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Would you put up with this?
80

Gr4insp4in · 05/08/2022 12:41

So, my boyfriend and I agrue a LOT. But not in a normal way I don't think...

He talks over me all the time. Even when we aren't arguing I'll be mid sentence and he will go off speaking for ages. Its got to the point where I struggle to converse with him, and he makes me feel guilty for losing focus.

He argues with so many people. Extremely confrontational guy, which brings problems and drama my way. But I'm 'fake' because I don't do that. I gossip at times and am nice to people, but the way I see it, you can gossip with people you love to avoid popping off at someone (which means you lose your job or get yourself into a really uncomfortable situation).

During an argument, he ALWAYS tries to make it seem as though he's just trying to get through his day and I'm this psycho making it hard for him. For example "what do you want from me", "you're actually crazy" "you need to listen to yourself because you're being a dick", when im literally just trying to talk about how I feel. He will zoom in on specific words I say, but the other way around it's different. The other day I asked if he was annoyed about something and he said yes. But minutes later in the convo I addressed that he said he was annoyed. And he goes: "no you're not listening to me I said it was annoying not that I AM annoyed" and guys I can't stress how he denies the tone of his voice and such... I KNOW WHEN SOMEONES BEING OFF WITH ME so for him to deny it all makes me look like the crazy one. Everything's vague, a riddle, never ever apologises even when he's been fucking awful in the past. He says manipulative and that I use certain tactics, and I've really tried to think if I am but honestly I really don't think so. I'm always "twisting his words" or "not listening", those comments are usually made when I disagree with him. Its so painful to explain something and for them to just say "well you clearly haven't listened".

Need the advice cause I just don't know how to discuss it all with him. I know it's gonna get thrown in my face the nice things he's done. He's gonna make me feel like a shit person. And I'm gonna feel bad i know I am.

Where do I start when it comes to talking about this without it being a huge mind game?

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EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 05/08/2022 12:45

Why bother discussing it? Just dump this bad tempered aggressive windbag.,

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Cantbeliveyoufakeit · 05/08/2022 12:49

Honestly OP, you don't, relationships are not meant to be this hard and you are wasting your time waiting for him to be 'normal'. He does this shit on purpose, being passive aggressive and creating moods, gaslighting you and fucking with your head, it's all deliberate and designed to confuse you and keep you in line. You need to leave him or he will melt your head completely, so what help do you need to do that? Do you live together, have DC together? Are you financially or physically dependant on him at all? Do you have friends and family to support you?

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Mmmmdanone · 05/08/2022 12:49

He's gaslighting you, and a narcissist. I'm divorcing one. He was the same. Denied being off when he clearly was (words and actions not matching- massive red flag), he would twist my words and say i was doing that to him. I often wished I could replay the arguments we had as I felt like i was going insane. Please reconsider your relationship. Don't end up with 20 years of this like I did.

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Watchkeys · 05/08/2022 12:53

Need the advice cause I just don't know how to discuss it all with him

Why do you need to discuss it with him? So that he'll finally understand, and he'll tell you you're right and he was wrong all along? So that he'll say sorry?

Where do I start when it comes to talking about this without it being a huge mind game

You know already that when you simply say how you feel, he turns it into a mind game. This isn't a puzzle to work out where to start to stop that from happening, this is a life lesson for you in working out where there's no point in starting at all.

What was your parents' relationship like when you were growing up, @Gr4insp4in ? How did they treat you? Did you feel like your feelings were important and respected? Did they listen to you when you expressed how you felt?

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Mmmmdanone · 05/08/2022 12:54

Oh, and he was never in the wrong. If he had behaved badly- it wasn't that, it was something else I.e "no I didn't storm off, I had to do something urgently and a breeze must have slammed the door when I left" when he was clearly in a massive strop. So I wasn't even allowed to be annoyed at his behaviour and I was over sensitive.

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lastminutedotcom22 · 05/08/2022 12:54

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 05/08/2022 12:45

Why bother discussing it? Just dump this bad tempered aggressive windbag.,

Exactly this

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Wellthatgotbetter · 05/08/2022 12:55

I read your title and thought “no.”

Then I read your post. What in the name of god are you doing with such a toxic person? The stress must be making you unwell. Is this all that you think you deserve?

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Gr4insp4in · 05/08/2022 12:56

Noo were young, but he's older and is looking for something more serious I imagine. It's just a case of wondering how I'd go about getting out. It feels impossible because he does do nice things but it's all shadowed by the fact that he clearly doesn't like me speaking up and defending myself. He has said it before that he thinks I'm trying outsmart him. I don't play those games I really dont

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JorisBonson · 05/08/2022 12:57

I don't play those games I really dont

By staying with him, you're enabling those games. Get rid and don't look back.

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Watchkeys · 05/08/2022 12:59

It's just a case of wondering how I'd go about getting out

'This relationship isn't making me happy, so I'm leaving.'

Could you say that? He can argue if he wants, but how would that stop you? He's not going to lock you in, is he?

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Gr4insp4in · 05/08/2022 12:59

Mmmmdanone - YES! Exactly the same! It's bloody crazy but so reassuring to hear that I'm not alone. If I dare to cry then im really being a horrible cunt. I always end up saying sorry. He's the only person in my life at the moment and it's killing me slowly.

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JorisBonson · 05/08/2022 12:59

Do you live together? How long have you been together?

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Gr4insp4in · 05/08/2022 13:00

Wellthatgotbetter · 05/08/2022 12:55

I read your title and thought “no.”

Then I read your post. What in the name of god are you doing with such a toxic person? The stress must be making you unwell. Is this all that you think you deserve?

It really is my body feels weak from it all

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Passtherioja · 05/08/2022 13:02

Please leave him. If you live together it will be harder but you need to find a way. If you don't live together just finish it and don't engage in any discussion with him-no doubt he'll swear he'll change however they rarely do for any length of time.

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Mmmmdanone · 05/08/2022 13:04

Definitely not alone. They're everywhere. I'm still processing it all and actual tik tok helped me a lot with this. If you search narcissists on there there are a lot of descriptions about the behaviours you're dealing with. I'm no longer in the relationship but I still wanted to know why. I think my ex had some childhood trauma but that's no excuse to make someone else miserable and Im so happy now I don't have to deal with him any more (well, we have kids so I do but I don't have to live in the same house!) Good luck.

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Gr4insp4in · 05/08/2022 13:04

@Watchkeys you're spot on, I don't know how I've let it get to the point where I can't see right or wrong.

Father was a crackhead, stepdad was emotionally abusive and mother was both clingy and distant at the same time. I don't have friends... it does make a lot of sense..

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Cantbeliveyoufakeit · 05/08/2022 13:05

I don't play those games I really dont

You don't, but he does and his behaviour will be so ingrained by now that it would take years of therapy to unpick, and how likely is he to get therapy do you think? So he will not change and all you can do is bow out and leave him to it. You can't fix this OP, he is fundamentally abusive and it's not remotely within your capability to change that.

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AmeAmy · 05/08/2022 13:06

If anyone called me -

crazy

or a

dick

that would be the end right there.

there’s nothing to “discuss”.

this is who he is and he sounds horrible and disrespectful.

i’d get rid ‘pronto’.

why tie yourself to such a person?

there are nice people out there, a whole big world of them. People who do t call you names for a start.

there are lovely things to do on your own.

but you won’t meet them or have the time to enjoy your own activities - whilst stuck to this loser.

it’s a stark choice

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Gr4insp4in · 05/08/2022 13:06

@Mmmmdanone it's good hearing that you're free relieved from it all, did the guilt just drop off you when you broke up?

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AmeAmy · 05/08/2022 13:06

don’t call you names (autocorrect)

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Gr4insp4in · 05/08/2022 13:08

@AmeAmy interesting, I've really been convinced that I was a piece of work. I'm actually incapable of defending myself nowadays.

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Watchkeys · 05/08/2022 13:09

He's the only person in my life at the moment and it's killing me slowly

What you need to realise is that you are a person in your life. You can support you. You can understand and believe in the things you think and feel. You can be on your side, and take action so that your life is the right shape for you.

You're in charge. You're the authority on whether your views are crazy or not. You decide what you'll accept in the way you're treated.

If he told you that you were a 6 legged martian, you'd laugh him out of the room, because you know for sure that that's not true. But if he tells you you're crazy, it feels different, because you don't have faith in yourself enough to know that you aren't. Develop your faith in yourself. He wants to say you're a martian? That's his choice, right? He can think what he likes, but he just makes himself look like a loon if he spouts nonsense like that. He wants to say you're crazy? He wants to say you're trying to manipulate him? He can think what he likes, but he just makes himself look like a loon if he spouts nonsense like that.

If he keeps insisting that a perfectly nice person is twisting his words and is essentially out to piss him off, then he looks like a prat. All you have to do is have resolve that you're ok, and tell him that you accept his opinion. That's it. You don't have to agree with his opinion.

Once you've started doing that, you'll have more time to plan your departure, because you won't be spending your time defending yourself.

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Mmmmdanone · 05/08/2022 13:09

Pretty much! I'm lucky that our teenage daughter also so his behaviour and was a massive support for me. People don't generally see it so you feel so alone. I was ending it for her sake as well so the guilt, although present, had to take a back seat.

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AmeAmy · 05/08/2022 13:11

Father was a crackhead, stepdad was emotionally abusive and mother was both clingy and distant at the same time. I don't have friends... it does make a lot of sense..

^ all the more reason to take extra care of yourself and not put up with this awfulness. You are courageous to have overcome the difficulties you have had.

There are many worse things than being alone. Being alone for a while can help you get better in contact with who you are and your needs, always a good foundation.

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Gr4insp4in · 05/08/2022 13:11

@Cantbeliveyoufakeit you're right I suppose there's always hope there after an argument when he doesn't address it just starts acting completely normal. I'm thinking "what the hell" but just glad he's being nice. I think 'ah, maybe he feels bad and is trying to be nice' but that exact behaviour is how he gets away with it.

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