Would you put up with this?

[Gr4insp4in]

So, my boyfriend and I agrue a LOT. But not in a normal way I don't think...

He talks over me all the time. Even when we aren't arguing I'll be mid sentence and he will go off speaking for ages. Its got to the point where I struggle to converse with him, and he makes me feel guilty for losing focus.

He argues with so many people. Extremely confrontational guy, which brings problems and drama my way. But I'm 'fake' because I don't do that. I gossip at times and am nice to people, but the way I see it, you can gossip with people you love to avoid popping off at someone (which means you lose your job or get yourself into a really uncomfortable situation).

During an argument, he ALWAYS tries to make it seem as though he's just trying to get through his day and I'm this psycho making it hard for him. For example "what do you want from me", "you're actually crazy" "you need to listen to yourself because you're being a dick", when im literally just trying to talk about how I feel. He will zoom in on specific words I say, but the other way around it's different. The other day I asked if he was annoyed about something and he said yes. But minutes later in the convo I addressed that he said he was annoyed. And he goes: "no you're not listening to me I said it was annoying not that I AM annoyed" and guys I can't stress how he denies the tone of his voice and such... I KNOW WHEN SOMEONES BEING OFF WITH ME so for him to deny it all makes me look like the crazy one. Everything's vague, a riddle, never ever apologises even when he's been fucking awful in the past. He says manipulative and that I use certain tactics, and I've really tried to think if I am but honestly I really don't think so. I'm always "twisting his words" or "not listening", those comments are usually made when I disagree with him. Its so painful to explain something and for them to just say "well you clearly haven't listened".

Need the advice cause I just don't know how to discuss it all with him. I know it's gonna get thrown in my face the nice things he's done. He's gonna make me feel like a shit person. And I'm gonna feel bad i know I am.

Where do I start when it comes to talking about this without it being a huge mind game?

[ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus]

@TheDogsMother

He calls you a horrible cunt, crazy, won't let you speak, you're fake, you're being a dick ? Oh my Lovely, you are worth so much more than this. There is nothing nice about this man. Get rid of him out of your life and take some time to work on lifting your self esteem. You will feel so much better and your life will be happier if you are not being dragged down by a nasty, manipulative arsehole.

Exactly my thoughts too. OP, everyone here is giving good advice. You are worth so much more than this miserable life you're leading. I can see that, after your difficult childhood, you may have loved him because he seemed to care about you. But he is truly bad for you.

Reading how you feel guilty about him, and your sympathy because of his ill-health - you're far too kind to him! Don't try to patch things up so this toxic relationship can limp on for a few more years of your life. Just leave him.

And I do recommend getting some counselling for your self-esteem. Also, I hope you can surround yourself with kind and positive people who value you as you deserve to be valued.

[Twillow]

Where do I start when it comes to talking about this without it being a huge mind game?

You can't.
Put yourself first and think of what you would become after 40 yrs of this.

[Escapingafter50years]

If this man truly loved you, when you have a "difference of opinion", he would want to find some kind of resolution. But rather than caring how you feel, his entire focus is finding a way to escape taking responsibility and put 100% of the blame on you. This is not how a respectful relationship should work.

Be aware that if you try to end the relationship (you should!), he will pull a bunch of stunts generally known as "the script". He'll break down crying and tell you that without you he's nothing, or he only tells you these (awful untrue) things to "help" you be a better person, or he's going to kill himself or whatever. Do not let these sway you. If he threatens to harm himself, call emergency services, you are not equipped to handle this. After some time when he realises that these stunts aren't working, he'll start to get nasty. You need to stay strong, keep posting here for support, and importantly, tell people you trust so they can help you. You have not done anything wrong, so don't be embarrassed that this excuse of a man can't treat you with basic human respect. Take care.

[Catlover1970]

@Gr4insp4in

Noo were young, but he's older and is looking for something more serious I imagine. It's just a case of wondering how I'd go about getting out. It feels impossible because he does do nice things but it's all shadowed by the fact that he clearly doesn't like me speaking up and defending myself. He has said it before that he thinks I'm trying outsmart him. I don't play those games I really dont

He is a narcissistic tosser and you’re in a toxic relationship

[Dahliasandtea]

he sounds aggressive, antagonistic, baiting, gaslighting, condescending, toxic and antagonistic.

pack your stuff, leave don’t look back. Don’t explain it, but if you have to say something, just say ‘I’m leaving. This relationship isn’t working for me’.

[Gr4insp4in]

@Escapingafter50years I am having quite a hard time with it all. I'm kind of convinced I've got a lot wrong with me and that if I left my life would be really hard for a while. I'm aware the way he treats me isn't right, but I'm almost emotionless and feel like a shell of a person. I've gotten really used to it, especially considering I haven't really been an adult without him in my life. We work together, which is awful by the way, and I need this job. My bank is a mess, and I'm living away for it. My situation feels impossible to escape, but the first step was admitting it all on this website. I'm really getting there, trying to ignore his moods/not engage. But he is always there everywhere I go.

[Gr4insp4in]

@Dahliasandtea @Catlover1970 I feel so too, its hard because I'm even thinking "did I leave out information just to make myself seedead nice and him to seem awful. I feel like I'm thinking in a distorted way though. I'm not sure :(

[Gr4insp4in]

@ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus I did think I need counselling but the NHS therapy doesn't work for me, it feels so clinical and distant...hoping to go private when I can afford it. But honestly after all this I could bloody do with it. Just wish I had a few good mates

[blueberry2105]

I was in this position with my partner. His actions would make me feel a certain way but my reaction was the "you're always causing trouble" despite it being him.

He would go to the pub for hours on end and get really drunk come home and be sick everywhere but if I mentioned it I was "controlling" and it's me just trying to "stop him seeing his friends" then it turned into "you need to go do your own things"

I would try talk to him and his constant talking over me and cutting me up would make me angry and frustrated to a point I would over react because I couldn't get my point across and then I would be "the crazy one"

It was constant and then I just stopped arguing with him because he was always right. Now I don't have the same feelings for him. If I have an argument at work it's my fault and I should stop but when he argues at work he was in the right and I don't understand how frustrating his colleagues are.

I feel lonely a lot and tired and frustrated. He's a good man in so many ways but this part of him is killing our relationship.

Hope you're able to work something out. Was so surreal reading your post as it's almost like I wrote it. I completely understand how you feel.

[Gr4insp4in]

@blueberry2105 it's strange though isn't it, how we still both felt the need to address that he's generally a good guy. Of course there is a good side to everyone, and a bad side. But I've harnessed my bad side and I try to control it, I understand when I'm being unreasonable, apologise and try my best do rectify. I think someone who doesn't even want to try can go fuck themselves really

Sometimes I think, are you actually that delusional? Do you live in a made up world?

I'm trying to teach myself that im allowed high standards. Boring? Go. Too moody? Go. Don't find him funny? You're allowed to just go. You deserve only someone who's going to better your life.

If your partner is just like mine, start thinking about your future without him. You are so much tougher than he will make out. Do not lose your bite in life, no one is allowed to silence you.

[KettrickenSmiled]

@Gr4insp4in

@Dahliasandtea @Catlover1970 I feel so too, its hard because I'm even thinking "did I leave out information just to make myself seedead nice and him to seem awful. I feel like I'm thinking in a distorted way though. I'm not sure :(

Of course you are OP (thinking in a disordered way).

This is something humans do when their self-esteem has been ground down by abusive people. You also wrote that you work with this guy & so are unable to escape his constant presence. Of course your thinking is compromised - you are stuck with a godawful bully & are under financial pressure making your escape route even harder to see.

So - enough about the twat that you are going to leave behind.
What about YOU? And the practical/logical steps you need to take in order to leave him?

I know you have a troubled family history, so no support there & are currently isolated. Have you made contact with any support agencies?
Your circumstances qualify you as someone who could call Shelter's emergency line btw - "use our helpline if you are at risk of harm or abuse in your home"
You can also tell Shelter that you have nowhere else to go so would be homeless if you left, without deposit/rental funds to secure yourself alternative accommodation.
england.shelter.org.uk/get_help

Please also contact Womens Aid - www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

It's great you are getting support here, but you also need strong, experienced people on Team You in real life. Once you have contacts at Shelter & WA, you will also benefit from the knowledge that you are not alone, that good people want better for you, that you deserve help ... in short, small steps that will improve your positivity & mental health, & therefore ability to plan your escape.

Keep plodding onward OP. Help is out there & you do NOT need to suffer in silence.

[KettrickenSmiled]

Ha! OP I love the advice you gave @blueberry2105 - so robust!

Can you please give yourself the same respect & loving kindness?

I hope you both escape, & I also hope you keep supporting each other here (even pm'ing) - sorry if this is an intrusive suggestion, but you are both in the same boat & will be so much stronger with each other's support & cheerleading xx

[billy1966]

@KettrickenSmiled

Ha! OP I love the advice you gave @blueberry2105 - so robust!

Can you please give yourself the same respect & loving kindness?

I hope you both escape, & I also hope you keep supporting each other here (even pm'ing) - sorry if this is an intrusive suggestion, but you are both in the same boat & will be so much stronger with each other's support & cheerleading xx

Great advice.

Keep posting but supporting each other through this could be a lovely too.

You both deserve so much more than these awful men.

[Gr4insp4in]

@KettrickenSmiled thank you so much for keeping posting I wish I could hug you now!! I'm honestly a lot more aware of what I need to do, it just feels possible sometimes...I'm in work with him now, I work with a bunch of guys i feel like I have no one. My world feels like its getting smaller and smaller. Today feels hard but I'm taking your advice

[Gr4insp4in]

Impossible**

[KettrickenSmiled]

My world feels like its getting smaller and smaller.

Did you move areas to be with this man OP?
Because a really common ploy of abusers is isolating their victim from any form of support. Tactics include acting up when she wants to see friends, creating discord between family members, sulking/punishing if she dares to want to go out without him ...

This is why it is vital that you make contact with WA & Shelter.
Support workers there have heard it all before. There is nothing you can tell them that will shock them, they will be non-judgemental & supportive, & above all - they will be able to signpost you to resources that will give you a helping hand to get out.

Please don't fall into the trap of minimising the abuse you are living with.
You absolutely deserve support, but only YOU can arrange to receive it.
Will you be able to have private space away from your b/f to make calls/send messages to support orgs?

And thank you for the hug!
Now stop apologising for posting again & KEEP POSTING. You need this space to help you keep your head screwed on - ie it's not you, it's him, & PP have walked this path ahead of you - you are not alone.
Here's a hug right back at you.
You keep dreaming of your freedom. The more you visualise it, the closer it gets.

[Gr4insp4in]

@KettrickenSmiled yes I did, and it's manly work so I'm just seen as 's girlfriend rather than a person on my own. Feel extremely isolated, everytime I feel down there's something far worse going on in his life and he just "doesn't need any grumpiness" from me. Grumpiness as in major depression😂. As I say if it weren't for you guys chatting on here I'd probably feel mental..
Even just small things like letting me apologise for tiny things, not noticing my health declining, never even asking me something about myself. Always him him him even if it's about me it's him saying it. Unsolicited advice, explaining things as if I don't already know them, lying in stories.

I really appreciate that comment about minimising it because I just can't take myself seriously sometimes, but I have reached out to womens aid for advice

I know ill be fine and I still have high hopes for my future. I've been reassured that there are lovely sane people out there and I can't wait to meet them :D

Thank god for the Internet and wonderful humans!❤️

[KettrickenSmiled]

I really appreciate that comment about minimising it because I just can't take myself seriously sometimes,
This is another common response in abusive situations.
After all - it's easier to put yourself down for "making a fuss" than face the horrible reality that the man you chose has turned out to be an almighty cock, isn't it?

but I have reached out to womens aid for advice
Well done, this is such a positive step.
Next step - Shelter! You need there advice & signposting. You are in an abusive relationship with nobody you could go & stay with to escape, & please remember you DESERVE this support & you deserve to be free of your controlling man.
I hope you can find enough time & privacy to work out what your next practical steps should be.

fwiw - you sound so upbeat & sparky, despite everything.
Imagine what you are going to be like when you have finally lost the appalling weight of this man who is crushing you. That woman is waiting for you. You will barely recognise yourself when you are freed from the constant self-esteem battering of being continually undermined & unheard, & managing HIS feelings all the time because he makes you walk on eggshells.

[Gr4insp4in]

@KettrickenSmiled and everyone else whose been here for me on this forum..

I left.
I'm free.
It's gonna be a journey but I did what I thought was impossible.

You've no idea how much you guys played a part in that

Much love xxx

[fallfallfall]

Well done! Move forward, grow from this experience and set your bar high. You deserve to be happy 24/7x365.

[KettrickenSmiled]

Oh, OP.

I think there must be something in my eye ...

Frabjous day!
You are a total star, your strength is remarkable (yeah I know, you don't feel strong right now but ...) & your life & mental health are going to improve so much.

Thank you for taking time to update.
Have you moved away, & do you have a new source of work?
No need to respond unless/until you feel like it.
Bloody marvellous news 😀

[Whatisthegoss]

You know within yourself this is gaslighting and unhealthy.
His choice to behave towards you is his unhappiness? His control?
Respect is what he lacks by the sounds of it all the same as my long winded relationship
I too have held in and put up with its 'all in your head' I'm just telling you my opinion.
But then do you become annoyed or wait for the battle of trying to have your say?
He has got you in trapped in his small world of games.
Can you see yourself long term going through the same senerios?
Stay close to anyone supportive, call your family.
Ask him why he needs you to hear his version or opinion..we are all initiated to our own.
Ditch the toxic and be glad.
You owe it to Yourself
You owe him nothing
We all have choices!
I wonder if he is related to my very recent ex.

[MistyRock]

Well done. 😀

[JorisBonson]

@Whatisthegoss

You know within yourself this is gaslighting and unhealthy.
His choice to behave towards you is his unhappiness? His control?
Respect is what he lacks by the sounds of it all the same as my long winded relationship
I too have held in and put up with its 'all in your head' I'm just telling you my opinion.
But then do you become annoyed or wait for the battle of trying to have your say?
He has got you in trapped in his small world of games.
Can you see yourself long term going through the same senerios?
Stay close to anyone supportive, call your family.
Ask him why he needs you to hear his version or opinion..we are all initiated to our own.
Ditch the toxic and be glad.
You owe it to Yourself
You owe him nothing
We all have choices!
I wonder if he is related to my very recent ex.

Please RTFT.

Congratulations OP, really proud of you.

[OnTheBrinkOfChange]

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Why bother discussing it? Just dump this bad tempered aggressive windbag.,

Perfectly put.