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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you put up with this?

107 replies

Gr4insp4in · 05/08/2022 12:41

So, my boyfriend and I agrue a LOT. But not in a normal way I don't think...

He talks over me all the time. Even when we aren't arguing I'll be mid sentence and he will go off speaking for ages. Its got to the point where I struggle to converse with him, and he makes me feel guilty for losing focus.

He argues with so many people. Extremely confrontational guy, which brings problems and drama my way. But I'm 'fake' because I don't do that. I gossip at times and am nice to people, but the way I see it, you can gossip with people you love to avoid popping off at someone (which means you lose your job or get yourself into a really uncomfortable situation).

During an argument, he ALWAYS tries to make it seem as though he's just trying to get through his day and I'm this psycho making it hard for him. For example "what do you want from me", "you're actually crazy" "you need to listen to yourself because you're being a dick", when im literally just trying to talk about how I feel. He will zoom in on specific words I say, but the other way around it's different. The other day I asked if he was annoyed about something and he said yes. But minutes later in the convo I addressed that he said he was annoyed. And he goes: "no you're not listening to me I said it was annoying not that I AM annoyed" and guys I can't stress how he denies the tone of his voice and such... I KNOW WHEN SOMEONES BEING OFF WITH ME so for him to deny it all makes me look like the crazy one. Everything's vague, a riddle, never ever apologises even when he's been fucking awful in the past. He says manipulative and that I use certain tactics, and I've really tried to think if I am but honestly I really don't think so. I'm always "twisting his words" or "not listening", those comments are usually made when I disagree with him. Its so painful to explain something and for them to just say "well you clearly haven't listened".

Need the advice cause I just don't know how to discuss it all with him. I know it's gonna get thrown in my face the nice things he's done. He's gonna make me feel like a shit person. And I'm gonna feel bad i know I am.

Where do I start when it comes to talking about this without it being a huge mind game?

OP posts:
THEDEACON · 05/08/2022 13:11

He's an abuser dump him NOW

TooHotToTangoToo · 05/08/2022 13:13

How do you tell him? Well you say 'this relationship isn't working for me, I'm leaving you'

If he tells you you're crazy - ok you're right, but I'm still leaving you

'You need to take a look at yourself' - yes you're right, I'm leaving you

You're being a manipulative cunt - ok, I'm leaving you

Rinse and repeat

Original poster
Gr4insp4in · 05/08/2022 13:14

@Watchkeys that's a really brilliant way to look at it that you so much. Even coming onto this forum and realising how many people care even more than he does. I'm so grateful

OP posts:
EVHead · 05/08/2022 13:16

Gr4insp4in · 05/08/2022 13:06

@Mmmmdanone it's good hearing that you're free relieved from it all, did the guilt just drop off you when you broke up?

Guilt for what? You don’t need to feel guilty for ending a bad relationship. If it’s not working for you for any reason, you’re allowed to end it.

You don’t need to give him a big long explanation. “This isn’t working for me so I’m ending it” is enough.

Original poster
Gr4insp4in · 05/08/2022 13:16

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 05/08/2022 12:45

Why bother discussing it? Just dump this bad tempered aggressive windbag.,

I like the way you put it lol :D

OP posts:
Original poster
Gr4insp4in · 05/08/2022 13:19

@EVHead you're so right... I suppose the guilt is from pitying him. I know, how bloody healthy hahah. He's not the healthiest and he's not really got many people. But I mean, me either, why should I put him before myself? :0

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 05/08/2022 13:20

So what's the plan @Gr4insp4in?

Opentooffers · 05/08/2022 13:24

Well, you can spend your time complaining about how he is, or vote with your feet, it really is that simple. You have a long list of things he does that pisses you off, so end it as people don't change, but you can change your life for the better by leaving him, so you can find someone who doesn't inspire a long list of gripes. Imagine just thinking someone is lovely and supportive, that could be you in the future, but the longer you are stuck in this, the further you get from achieving it.

Original poster
Gr4insp4in · 05/08/2022 13:28

@JorisBonson first step I think is telling my family, second will be packing my bags I imagine :S

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Original poster
Gr4insp4in · 05/08/2022 13:30

@Opentooffers you're right. I need to tell my loved ones ASAP and make my way to theirs...

OP posts:
Disguisedgift · 05/08/2022 13:35

Sounds like you're in an unhealthy relationship with a gaslighting narcissist. It's clear because he is abusing you and making you question yourself.

My advice - you pick up whatever is left of yourself and move on before he ruins you mentally. If you don't, he'd leave you when he's done damaging you and you may spend a lifetime trying to recover, trying to rediscover who you were meant to be before him.

Side note - You are much likely to be a better human being than that 'boy' is. You have the ability to reflect, you care about how you affect others, and you are open to feedback. I can imagine there's a better human out there for you.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/08/2022 13:59

Need the advice cause I just don't know how to discuss it all with him.

You don't discuss it with him.
He has proved that he is incapable of discussion.

Why are you looking to "fix" this instead of dumping the extremely confrontational guy?

Whitehorsegirl · 05/08/2022 14:04

Dump him.

This is how a typical narcissist behaves:

  • tells you all the time that you are the one with the problem (''you are crazy'', ''you are too sensitive'')
  • manipulates you, tries to damage your self-confidence and slowly erodes your sense of yourself and of reality
  • Explodes when he does not get his way (and blames you for making him angry)
  • Makes sure he has moments where he is charming and kind to keep you hooked and confused.
You don't even need to discuss anything with him. He will never change. You need to protect yourself and run...
Evasmissingletter · 05/08/2022 14:15

OP you are in an abusive relationship. He won’t change. You deserve better. Good luck.

maybesomedayiwill · 05/08/2022 14:42

I am in the same boat as you OP and keenly following the thread as well as several similar ones. Only difference is we've been married for nearly 20 years with 3 kids. DD18 asked me the other day when we are getting divorced cos she knows we will eventually, she said we are obviously not happy together and she's known this for years. I felt so ashamed of myself. I know for one if she was in a similar situation I will be advising her to leave. I know I need to but just can't find the courage to take the necessary actions. It doesn't help he plays the loving husband in the kids presence and I cringe each time he comes near me. Children must think I'm a bitch for not reciprocating his gestures. Anyway, good luck and hope you find the courage to leave before things get too complicated. It does when there are kids involved and been together for so long.

Disguisedgift · 05/08/2022 14:57

maybesomedayiwill · 05/08/2022 14:42

I am in the same boat as you OP and keenly following the thread as well as several similar ones. Only difference is we've been married for nearly 20 years with 3 kids. DD18 asked me the other day when we are getting divorced cos she knows we will eventually, she said we are obviously not happy together and she's known this for years. I felt so ashamed of myself. I know for one if she was in a similar situation I will be advising her to leave. I know I need to but just can't find the courage to take the necessary actions. It doesn't help he plays the loving husband in the kids presence and I cringe each time he comes near me. Children must think I'm a bitch for not reciprocating his gestures. Anyway, good luck and hope you find the courage to leave before things get too complicated. It does when there are kids involved and been together for so long.

What are you going to do about yours? Don't underestimate the power you have.
My mom stayed in an abusive marriage for 40years. And I resent her for not showing me and teaching me how to not settle for crap. I'm in my mid-30s and have found myself in similar patterns. Being the empowered one in relationships doesn't come naturally to me and I see a lot of my mother in me.

maybesomedayiwill · 05/08/2022 15:30

@Disguisedgift I know I have to leave, timing just not great for now. The atmosphere is so much relaxed when he is not home and even DS15 who never leaves his room otherwise comes downstairs and engages with me and his siblings. The minute he's home the kids disappear one after the other, even the cats leave our room when he comes in, to be fair he's doesn't like cat hair in the bed and cats were mine and kids idea anyway.
I feel like such a let down to the kids, I would hate for them to resent me for staying when they are older but i will be screwing them up financially if I walk now. H earns considerably more and we have a mortgage in his name. From reading other threads, the person initiating the split should be the one to leave. I can't afford to comfortably house 3 kids on my salary (CS) and would rather die than leave my kids with him. Not trying to highjack your thread OP, sorry

Original poster
Gr4insp4in · 05/08/2022 15:30

@Disguisedgift I've googled it so much and the checklists for an abuser it's just like check....check...check... but its so hard to actually consider the person you've put your trust into as an abuser. Plus, he's made it really hard for me to feel bad for myself. In my eyes I'm no victim...

OP posts:
Original poster
Gr4insp4in · 05/08/2022 15:34

@maybesomedayiwill I completely understand when they're nice and reasonable to other people. We should keep in our minds that no matter our partners make us seem like the bad person we aren't and once we carve a better life for ourselves people will understand better. I'm trying to treat myself like I'm someone I really care about. You deserve that too :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Gr4insp4in · 05/08/2022 15:35

@maybesomedayiwill dont feel like you're hijacking though, it helps me too as we are in a similar situation

OP posts:
Original poster
Gr4insp4in · 05/08/2022 15:38

@KettrickenSmiled @Whitehorsegirl you're right guys if I tried to talk again it'd be the same as every other time

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 05/08/2022 15:41

I feel like such a let down to the kids, I would hate for them to resent me for staying when they are older but i will be screwing them up financially if I walk now. H earns considerably more and we have a mortgage in his name. From reading other threads, the person initiating the split should be the one to leave.

@maybesomedayiwill - it doesn't matter that the mortgage is in his sole name, the house still belongs to both of you jointly, because you are married. The starting point is 50/50 but you may be surprised - if you are the majority childcare provider & have sacrificed your career to it, your share could be more.
There is absolutely NO rule that the person who initiates the split should be the one to leave the marital home. The person who is going to be primary carer for the children is the one who gets to stay. Conversely, the home could be sold & if there is enough equity, a new home bought for each of you.

Appreciate you don't want to hijack OP's thread but I'm sure she won't mind you getting some support here too - the very best thing you could do for yourself now is have a secret appointment with a lawyer & find out what you could be entitled to. It would be the first step in the journey away from your abuser, & knowledge is power: you will have more confidence when you can start making concrete plans based on financial & legal facts. Good luck Flowers

TheDogsMother · 05/08/2022 15:43

He calls you a horrible cunt, crazy, won't let you speak, you're fake, you're being a dick ? Oh my Lovely, you are worth so much more than this. There is nothing nice about this man. Get rid of him out of your life and take some time to work on lifting your self esteem. You will feel so much better and your life will be happier if you are not being dragged down by a nasty, manipulative arsehole. Flowers

Original poster
Gr4insp4in · 05/08/2022 15:54

@TheDogsMother he always defends what he says with "I'm just being honest" so it confuses me cause I think hmm, does he want me to call him names? but God forbid if I did he'd go crazy, been a couple of times where he's driven fast and smashed bottles

OP posts:
Original poster
Gr4insp4in · 05/08/2022 15:57

@KettrickenSmiled absolutely, I'd want anyone going through this to reach out and get any help they need xx

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