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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you put up with this?

107 replies

Gr4insp4in · 05/08/2022 12:41

So, my boyfriend and I agrue a LOT. But not in a normal way I don't think...

He talks over me all the time. Even when we aren't arguing I'll be mid sentence and he will go off speaking for ages. Its got to the point where I struggle to converse with him, and he makes me feel guilty for losing focus.

He argues with so many people. Extremely confrontational guy, which brings problems and drama my way. But I'm 'fake' because I don't do that. I gossip at times and am nice to people, but the way I see it, you can gossip with people you love to avoid popping off at someone (which means you lose your job or get yourself into a really uncomfortable situation).

During an argument, he ALWAYS tries to make it seem as though he's just trying to get through his day and I'm this psycho making it hard for him. For example "what do you want from me", "you're actually crazy" "you need to listen to yourself because you're being a dick", when im literally just trying to talk about how I feel. He will zoom in on specific words I say, but the other way around it's different. The other day I asked if he was annoyed about something and he said yes. But minutes later in the convo I addressed that he said he was annoyed. And he goes: "no you're not listening to me I said it was annoying not that I AM annoyed" and guys I can't stress how he denies the tone of his voice and such... I KNOW WHEN SOMEONES BEING OFF WITH ME so for him to deny it all makes me look like the crazy one. Everything's vague, a riddle, never ever apologises even when he's been fucking awful in the past. He says manipulative and that I use certain tactics, and I've really tried to think if I am but honestly I really don't think so. I'm always "twisting his words" or "not listening", those comments are usually made when I disagree with him. Its so painful to explain something and for them to just say "well you clearly haven't listened".

Need the advice cause I just don't know how to discuss it all with him. I know it's gonna get thrown in my face the nice things he's done. He's gonna make me feel like a shit person. And I'm gonna feel bad i know I am.

Where do I start when it comes to talking about this without it being a huge mind game?

OP posts:
TheDogsMother · 05/08/2022 16:00

I think you have been gaslighted so much you can't see what decent behaviour should look like and I can assure you its not a bit like this. This comment also worried me "a bit a couple of times where he's driven fast and smashed bottles". This is not going to get better, in fact it may even get worse. Please just stop questioning yourself over and over and get away from this person.

40sNonBlondes · 05/08/2022 16:02

YY to pp

One of the easiest ways I saw through the fog was when a friend advised that I replace the word "you" with "I" when he speaks or messages. Talk about clarity!

Original poster
Gr4insp4in · 05/08/2022 16:07

@TheDogsMother when I look back at our arguments he really took advantage of my naivity. I'm a lot younger than him and only now that I've turned 20 (i know...baby). You're spot on its been so long I've forgot what it felt like to feel calm and happy. Really has helped talking though to rational people. I've literally kept this to myself for years

OP posts:
Mmmmdanone · 05/08/2022 16:21

Didn't realise you were so young and he is much older. The imbalance of power is worrying. Please try and get away from him. He's trying to make you believe this is normal. It's not. You'd be so much happier without him.

TailSpinner · 05/08/2022 16:37

He doesn’t sound like a good person in general, never mind a good partner. Dump.

maybesomedayiwill · 05/08/2022 17:49

@KettrickenSmiled thanks for that. I definitely will leave, it's only a matter of time.

maybesomedayiwill · 05/08/2022 17:54

@Gr4insp4in at 20, you are right about still being a baby ( sorry not being patronising). I've been with H since I was 23, now 44 and looking back at the last 21 years it's been mostly miserable. Don't make the same mistake, get out of this abusive relationship now. You will meet someone else who will love and treat you with respect Flowers

bloodyunicorns · 05/08/2022 17:56

Why bother? Just dump him.

Relationships should not be this hard. He sounds like a dick.

bloodyunicorns · 05/08/2022 17:57

Do the Freedom Programme. That will help you to spot abusers in future.

2022NewTimes · 05/08/2022 18:32

@Gr4insp4in Definitely leave now - once you have kids its is much harder leave - he wont change - he sees nothing wrong with how he treats you.
It will only get worse - he has shown you who he is - believe him and leave - once you have left he might try to get you back ( look up hoovering) - he may cry and promise he will change - he will not - he might be able to pretend to change till he feels comfy again or you are pregnant - he will then revert to his previous behaviour

Love yourself enough to not waste any more of your life on this miserable abusive sod

Disguisedgift · 05/08/2022 19:36

Gr4insp4in · 05/08/2022 15:30

@Disguisedgift I've googled it so much and the checklists for an abuser it's just like check....check...check... but its so hard to actually consider the person you've put your trust into as an abuser. Plus, he's made it really hard for me to feel bad for myself. In my eyes I'm no victim...

You've got this. Trust your instinct!

Disguisedgift · 05/08/2022 19:43

KettrickenSmiled · 05/08/2022 15:41

I feel like such a let down to the kids, I would hate for them to resent me for staying when they are older but i will be screwing them up financially if I walk now. H earns considerably more and we have a mortgage in his name. From reading other threads, the person initiating the split should be the one to leave.

@maybesomedayiwill - it doesn't matter that the mortgage is in his sole name, the house still belongs to both of you jointly, because you are married. The starting point is 50/50 but you may be surprised - if you are the majority childcare provider & have sacrificed your career to it, your share could be more.
There is absolutely NO rule that the person who initiates the split should be the one to leave the marital home. The person who is going to be primary carer for the children is the one who gets to stay. Conversely, the home could be sold & if there is enough equity, a new home bought for each of you.

Appreciate you don't want to hijack OP's thread but I'm sure she won't mind you getting some support here too - the very best thing you could do for yourself now is have a secret appointment with a lawyer & find out what you could be entitled to. It would be the first step in the journey away from your abuser, & knowledge is power: you will have more confidence when you can start making concrete plans based on financial & legal facts. Good luck Flowers

I don't have the answers. But I think sharing my childhood experience can help put things into perspective for you about how these things impact girls. I think @maybesomedayiwill has given some really good practical advice.

By the way, my mom also didn't leave my dad for similar reasons- he was the breadwinner and she retired early.

A few years ago, I bought her a house. And she finally was able to move out of the house and get out of the marriage.

layladomino · 05/08/2022 19:58

I can understand why you have ended up in this situation.... you were young, much younger than him, and not much by way of close family and friends. That will be how he likes it by the way... much easier to control and manipulate a younger person without close support.

If I could give you one but of advice for relationships, it would be 'If your OH doesn't make your life better then you shouldn't be with them'. Obvious really isn't it? What's the point of a partner if they make you miserable / sad / lonely / desperate / question your sanity?

Life is to be enjoyed. Only accept relationships with people who make your life better (and vice versa of course), with people who respect you and see you as their equal. People who support you, build you up, make you feel more confident and better about yourself.

He is none of these things. He is an abuser. He will always care only for himself. He puts himself first every time. Put yourself first for once (and keep doing it!) and leave him. You deserve so much better. This is not what a good relationship looks like.

Take care and be happy. You have a full life ahead of you. It's there to be grabbed and enjoyed.

Original poster
Gr4insp4in · 06/08/2022 11:53

@layladomino when I look back at hiw we'd argue when I was younger it cringes me out so much, I was like a little mouse afraid of upsetting anyone. I was so easier to manipulate. I don't think he likes that I getting more insightful and trusting of myself... you're right though. I'm genuinely excited to feel like I'm living my life again.

OP posts:
gwenneh · 06/08/2022 11:58

Gr4insp4in · 06/08/2022 11:53

@layladomino when I look back at hiw we'd argue when I was younger it cringes me out so much, I was like a little mouse afraid of upsetting anyone. I was so easier to manipulate. I don't think he likes that I getting more insightful and trusting of myself... you're right though. I'm genuinely excited to feel like I'm living my life again.

You say that you’re a lot younger than him. Hopefully you can see how disgusting it is that he prefers the passive child version of you to the independent adult.

Get rid of that one. There is more rotten there than you perceive.

layladomino · 06/08/2022 12:06

Hold on to that excitement. I feel it for you. The world is there for you to grab. You are worthy. You are important. You are a one-off. You deserve only good people in your life. Take control (you can! you've started already!)

Vainandjustrealised · 06/08/2022 13:17

Stopped reading at 'he speaks over me at times'

Nope.

Fundamentally thinks he is more important than you - thats it

Vainandjustrealised · 06/08/2022 13:23

Gr4insp4in · 06/08/2022 11:53

@layladomino when I look back at hiw we'd argue when I was younger it cringes me out so much, I was like a little mouse afraid of upsetting anyone. I was so easier to manipulate. I don't think he likes that I getting more insightful and trusting of myself... you're right though. I'm genuinely excited to feel like I'm living my life again.

God love you

This dynamic plays out constantly

When I see a 38 year old man dating a 22 year old woman I know what is happening and it is generally this. You are not alone
(Not all men before anyone jumps down my throat)

Once you reach 25/26 your brain is developed fully and you start to question things more and get a clearer view of reality:

I remember meeting one of these pricks on Bumble during the pandemic. He was 38 and his last girlfriend was 24. He had been with her four years. So she was 20 when he met and he was 34. He openly admitted during out first date he found younger woman more attractive because 'they do as they are told'. I walked away from him there and then and took a bus home. Disgusting good for nothing man. The poor lassie had a lucky escape.

Blueuggboots · 06/08/2022 13:25

So much good advice on this thread.

So many men like this aim for younger, less self assured girls because they know a woman their own age would see straight through it and dump them.

Please get out. You deserve so much more.

Expect him to put on a charm offensive when you leave to try and reel you back in.

Good luck!!

BlueSuffragette · 06/08/2022 13:37

OP I agree with what everybody else is saying. Healthy relationships aren't this difficult. Time to dump him and move on.

FictionalCharacter · 06/08/2022 13:48

This is heartbreaking. He's a nightmare, won't change and you'll be so much happier when you've got rid of him.
I'm so pleased you're listening to what people are saying in this thread. Please don't lose your nerve - just do it. He'll make a fuss, blame you, pretend he can't live without you and all kinds of nonsense, but you'll just need to remind yourself that this is all part of how he is (an abuser) and tell yourself not to listen.
Please let us know how you get on 💐

billy1966 · 06/08/2022 14:31

Great advice being given here OP.

You sound so lovely but your first post is absolutely terrifying reading.

Please get away from him safely asap.

Don't be persuaded to stay with this highly abusive deranged man.

rumplestiltskinp · 06/08/2022 14:34

Your question shouldn't be would I put up with this, or would anyone on here put up with this.

Your question should be 'do I put up with this forever?' and if the answer is no then dump him.

There is no magic other solution here. You can sit there in ten years' time and wonder why you stayed with this person when the warning signs were there, or you can sit in ten years' time with your nice (green flag) man happy with a loving family.

There are many decent men out there. This guy is in the way between you and one of them.

Original poster
Gr4insp4in · 07/08/2022 08:32

@FictionalCharacter you were spot on there!! Lots of blame, I'm obviously the horrible one. Guilt trips. Confused. "Well you're not the only one that's confused!". if it weren't for everyone here on this thread I honestly would've gotten so much more upset. But I'm staying strong. Thank you everyone xxx

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 07/08/2022 22:52

Gr4insp4in · 07/08/2022 08:32

@FictionalCharacter you were spot on there!! Lots of blame, I'm obviously the horrible one. Guilt trips. Confused. "Well you're not the only one that's confused!". if it weren't for everyone here on this thread I honestly would've gotten so much more upset. But I'm staying strong. Thank you everyone xxx

Yep, predictable! Well done. You will be OK.

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