Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 6

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

changeover22

The biggest thing I had to learn was to value myself through my own eyes. This may sound odd as surely this is something I already knew and had?

I think this is very valid. I don't think I valued myself properly in the first place because of a fairly traumatic childhood. By learning to value myself more, I hope things will become clearer...but expectations in terms of relationships might rise as a consequence (and so might dissatisfaction). I suppose I fear it could makes things worse for me as I really value stability, particularly as I have youngish dc.

I also have a horrible feeling I might go round in circles with therapy, does it feel like this for you too or do you feel you have benefited from it?

I've also taken a back seat work-wise as I realise I need to direct my energy to supporting dc. and going through the peri-menopause, I feel I need to reserve as much energy as I can.

Yes energy conservation has been key all the way along to cope with a very absent and unaffectionate and un-understanding DH. I do EVERYTHING for me and the children.

Ive not had traditional counselling for coming to terms with our dysfunctional relationship.

Ive had a lot of self esteem coaching. Mindset coaching. Self-love coaching. I had a wonderful coach from America who taught me to love myself. It sounds really corny but it cost in total, the whole thing which went on for about 2 or 3 years, about £10k.

I also didn’t learn it as a child. My mum was and is an amazing mum but there was trauma, a lot from my dad. So I had to learn what love is first of all and many of us are not conscious of what love really is.

I’ve also read a vast amount of self-help books, used audible too. Listened to them on repeat at night and hypnosis to give me back my self worth and self esteem.

DH doesn’t make me feel like I am worthy of his love. I know he loves me but it’s how you show it.

I found books like the five love languages.

DH would never ever countenance counselling so I know I’m on my own.

I had a choice: split the family or work on myself so much that I could function (just) within the relationship. I realised DH was never going to validate me so I needed to validate myself.

Coaching helped me identify what brought me joy, what my identity was - and also most importantly who I wanted to become.

im not a fan of classic therapy. Bern through two lots and it can help reveal unhelpful patterns and details but it won’t fix you. Well that was my experience.

coaching on the other hand helped me put one foot in front of the other and believe in myself.

I was doing pretty well but then covid came. Life was getting back to normal but my mum got stage 4 cancer and I’ve been in a hole since. DH has tried a little to help but I can see he’s fed up with the tears. He can’t understand it he’s not close to his parents. They also are held at arms length.

My mum was more like my life partner. Now she is leaving this planet and I must look again at my relationship and face the reality.

that’s why I’m on this thread.

The 80% divorce rate is interesting but probably not accurate as many adults are not diagnosed.

The 80% divorce rate figure is probably pulled out of the air for the most part.

Some googling suggests that the original claim was probably an 80% divorce rate for parents with a child with autism. But there no real evidence for that. I suspect that myth has morphed a bit to 80% divorce rate for autistic people.

also looking online, it seems there’s are lots of claims about ND marriages that are probably not well evidenced. Including that only 5% of autistic people have ever been married (which seems to be doing the rounds despite being based on a small study in Utah in the 80s).

So, while there are reasons that NT/ASC marriages may have particular challenges, the flashy sounding stats thrown around are probably more than a little dubious.

@ChangeOver22 I’m sorry your mum is very ill xx

@SudocremOnEverything you're right about random statistics off the internet.

changeover I am so sorry to hear your mum is so ill.

I have had to face grief in the past and it was quite a lonely process as my dh didn't seem to understand what I was going through.

Thank you for your reply, it is really helpful and I am going back to re-read. I don't have any support in real life - no family to speak to (sibling not on doorstep/own trauma issues) so I was relieved to come across this thread. I have friends but I see them on a random basis. Having therapy seems to be my lifeline currently. Sometimes I feel like I exist in a bit of an echo chamber so having somewhere to put my thoughts - journaling is great but actually verbalising them feels more therapeautic. The therapist I see specialises in family systems, so looking at the inner child etc. hopefully, this will strengthen my sense of self worth from the inside out.

I have developed my interests/hobbies over the past couple of years and this has really helped - creative ones mainly have been a great source of comfort. I wrap myself up in supporting dc (one dc awaiting assessment as mentioned). I think I need to get more involved with the community/see people on a more regular basis perhaps through voluntary work but (I believe) thanks to the peri-menopause, I seem to have become far more insular and less tolerant of people which doesn't help the situation.

Reading this thread with interest.

Hello all, I hope it's okay to join. I found this thread over the weekend and was so thankful to know there is some support on here and just to know I'm not alone in living this way is comforting.

I have been married close to 11 years to my husband and it is the loneliest place to be. He isn't able to communicate or hold a conversation and is incredibly angry quickly if anything breaks his routine or rigid pattern of thinking.

It is made more difficult as we have a very challenging 8 year old who has her own (undiagnosed) issues which, considering they include hyperactivity / incessant chattering, clash massively with my husband's desire for peace and order. I find myself constantly walking on eggshells and trying to divert world war 3 - it's exhausting!

I try to start every day with a positive outlook that we'll have a good day, but usually by bedtime it's fallen apart as the two just don't seem to be able to function well together.

I'm not sure there's any solution really but it's just good to know I'm not alone in this as I said!

Hi everyone. I split from my ASD/schizoid husband a few months ago. I have two small kids.

I toiled through figure out what the issues could be and we’re for years, the whole process removed all the colour and joy from my life.

I am in the thick of it now. Struggling with two kids who miss the normal day to day with the Dad around. He is very good with them. We just could not communicate, or talk in any way. A sense of the future vanished or joy vanished or any big decision making as he just did not engage. Day to day I was extremely lonely and a part of me died.

That said he is a good man with good intentions. It was me I think who referred to Planet Flat in the previous thread.

I am utterly struggling with guilt. Guilt that we are all going to have what seems to be some sort of second rate life. Especially him and the kids as the family unit and day to day life has changed so much. I have exchanged one hard to another really hard. It just feels like a curse I can’t seem to get past.

I became so lost having kids and dealing with big issues completely on my own emotionally. I reckon I’ve lost a few friends as my mood was so low for so long. I just don’t know how to start again. Sometimes I think, was it so bad could I not just put up with it. Has anyone decided to do this?

last night my youngest was crying in his sleep for his Dad, I’m not sure I can deal with the heartache.

Sorry tons of typos.

I just feel like any chance of a good life is doomed.

@StopHateAgainstAutisticPeople

why don’t you stop the hate and bitterness against nt partners.

By splitting the family though for good reason I feel like I’ve failed my family, my kids and ultimately a decent man.

Hi sorry I posted the other day as my husband and I decided to separate. I think he's now having second thoughts, or worrying about being alone again. He said he can't cope without me. I'm not sure what to do, he initially seemed pleased with the decision. He was back in his own country visiting family for several months and I think we both liked being apart. But now in the cold light of day he's realising what he's going to lose. Crying every morning. I just feel numb. And very sad of course. I tried so hard to make things work. But what am I getting out of this marriage? Very little. The loneliness is so much worse than being single.

We had the added pressure of an upcoming expensive visa to apply for so he could stay here. If that wasn't needing done we'd have likely plodded on. But I'm so stressed out. It sucks and he's a good guy. I just want us both to get through this OK.

For what it’s worth, I made the decision years ago to stay in my marriage. My husband, too, is a good man and nobody’s perfect.

It doesn’t mean it didn’t come without a price, but it’s a choice I made in full knowledge of the facts. The grass isn’t greener.

It helped when I saw my husband behave in the same way towards our children. That confirmed that it wasn’t about love. My husband adores our children. He adores me: he just does a rubbish job of showing it!

Only you know what you can live with x

And if the title isn't acceptable, does that mean the Relationships board should be renamed 'Relationship Problems'?

This is such an interesting debate from a psych perspective- although a support thread is, I imagine not the best place!
not dh, so I don’t really belong here, but find it equal amounts pain and enlightening to read as both parents are now diagnosed with nd, as is a sibling and I have had to unlearn some pretty dire expectations re relationships.
I would say that there is no reason to believe nd characteristics cause abusive behaviour.
however, there is a more nuanced position to describe: for instance a nd partner may have very little intrinsic motivation for ‘pro social’ behaviour (compromising in a debate with a family member or child, even though they are convinced they are right, etc) - bc the nd partner doesn’t expect, value or benefit from (or even perhaps notice!) the same pro-social behaviour when it is directed at them- which when built up results in the nt partner interpreting the lack of pro-social behaviour as lack of care, and when there is a power imbalance, can make the nt feel trapped in the way an abusive partner can.

@Wishiwasatsoftplay this is very interesting. Lack of interest/awareness of pro social behaviour…I can identify with this so much.

Because our relationship is generally good and we trust each other, my husband is open to me leaning over and quietly reframing a social situation. This has supported his relationships with his family and children. Trouble is, no one is there to whisper in his ear when it’s directed at me.

Yes- similarities here with dm - I could tell her, I just feel like it would be coaching her to show me care and there is something pretty hollow about that!

@Fourhorses am sorry to hear. I split recently with an under two and a baby due in 8 weeks.

The irony is he divorced me in late 2020 after abandoning me 11 weeks pregnant in April of said year. His reason for the divorce? ‘When I abandoned you, you weren’t shocked’. I chose to reconcile for the sake of my child but in hindsight it was the wrong decision.
His denial of his nd is meant/means no communication, awareness or willingness to work within the strengths and weaknesses of our relationship.

His whole ‘woe is me’ I feel overwhelmed, life over takes me in words and actions/ inactions just wore me down.
So @StopHateAgainstAutisticPeople you can explain this away as just nasty behaviour but you will never succeed in invalidating my lived experience as a direct result of my he’s nd and his denial of it.

@Fourhorses i thought many many times about splitting but in the end I felt I couldn’t break up the family and I sacrificed myself.

my parents divorced and I knew how hard life was with two households and I didn’t want that for my kids. I hated my blended family. It was awful.

I went through A LOT of therapy/coaching about 7 years ago to find a steady place where I could function each day and still find joy.

i’m going through a rough patch at the moment because my mum has a terminal illness and she’s always been an emotionally extremely supportive partner who has essentially taken the place of DH.

I decided that in a lifetime of hopefully 80 years I would spend 20 years or 1/4 of my life bringing up my children and I was prepared to sacrifice my happiness so that they could enjoy what I hadn’t as a child, a family unit.

Others have said on here that the way to stay sane and feel appreciated it’s to have a busy outside life. The worst years for me were what you are going through now.

The children were very young and I never had any time to myself and this caused me to feel depressed much of the time. I don’t think I suffered from clinical depression because I got out of bed every day, but every day was a slog and I don’t remember good times ever. DH was absent. Constantly working. At least your DH is engaged with your children!

When my youngest finally went to school full-time life opened up. I could breathe again. This is when I started therapy and I felt much more positive over time. I accepted DH as he is and came to terms with a failed marriage (as far as I could see it) but decided I would soldier on for the childrens sake. I feel that all relationships have problems. DH is not perfect but he has enough solid qualities that I decided to stay at least for now until the children leave for uni.

What I would say is that you need time to yourself. If you want to go back to your marriage and stay in it you need as much time to yourself as possible because these sorts of relationships are not possible without women like us having plenty of time to revitalise ourselves outside of the family unit. If you want to go back to your DH this must be the cornerstone of whatever is agreed.

I put my children my youngest in full time nursery at a young age. Two days a week. This gave me time to remember who I was.

if you have the money, this is definitely something to consider. More than anything we need time away to recharge.

anyway I wish you all the best. It too feels like a long shadow I can never be rid of. I do wish frequently that I’d married someone else but no life is perfect no matter what we see online. Everyone has problems so I accept this as my cross to bear. For now.

Thank you 🙏
it’s the hardest time I can remember. She’s still alive for now and still being the best mum ever ❤️ I know I’ve been so lucky to have her. I don’t know how I will cope when she’s gone. Xx

I sacrificed myself partly for financial security. I own that and don’t regret it.

Me too. My DH was/is so driven it was impossible to work in my old role of travelling overseas. Who would have looked after the children? I never through I’d be the traditional wife but in the end the kids needed so much support I’d have done very badly at any kind of work anyway.

i do regret it a bit though as I’d like financial freedom on my own terms. Sometimes it contributes to the feeling of being trapped and stuck. DH can be very controlling with money and our arguments have been explosive. I once spent £250 on a garden tidy up (it was out of control) and he tore into me and threatened divorce. Where DH doesn’t see value, angels fear to tread. He earns in the top 1%. It’s not like we are on the breadline. But he thinks having a nice looking garden is a waste of time. There’s no “return”.

and this is it. There is no compromise. Just a black and white knee jerk reaction. Boiling fury. And it was MY MONEY.

I agreed to divorce in the argument. He soon cooled off as he knows deep down he has far more to lose than me.

What I would say is that you need time to yourself. If you want to go back to your marriage and stay in it you need as much time to yourself as possible because these sorts of relationships are not possible without women like us having plenty of time to revitalise ourselves outside of the family unit. If you want to go back to your DH this must be the cornerstone of whatever is agreed.

Changeover I was going to ask for your tips for having the best life within a relationship where these difficulties exist. I am currently not working and grateful to be a sahm (due to a combination of DC and SEN and the onslaught of peri-menopause - can't take HRT). The fact that my DH is intelligent and has had a good career has affored me this, so I am grateful to DH for this (it is not all negative, there are good things too). I'm currently trying to work out what my next step is - I'm in a funny push/pull situtation in relation to developing friendships (probably thanks to the peri.) but want more laughter and fun so considering the right sort of volunteer post/social group to join. I have enough solo interests (mainly creative) and can happily entertain myself but this doesn't involve much human contact so not much balance. How do you revitalise and recharge Changeover or anyone else who has found a way to do this? Sorry Changeover, I've asked you so many questions over the past few days but I've found your posts extremely helpful (and comforting)

Also, I have just come out of the very young child stage (3 dc). Youngest dc recently started school and it has made a huge difference to the state of my mental health (no family support and sahm, so childcare has solely fallen to me when not working). Would absolutely agree with gaining as much space as possible.