Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 6

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

It might be @SquirrelSoShiny.

im also reminded that men don’t tend to go to see a GP if they are depressed whereas women do…

I know DH told me before that yes he is doing a lot if things in his own (walking, camping etc….) but that’s because he had to learn to as no one would go those things with him. Basically he had (and has) no friends to share that with.
He wasn’t happy about it, rather he was quite sad. But had taken the decision to make the best out if it instead.
I have to say my heart broke a bit when I heard him :( Now he is enrolling the dcs to do those things. Ben though this will be harder soon with both dcs at Uni living their own life.

i classify myself as disabled, I struggle with many things, but being called “abnormal” is not something I’m going to accept. Disabled yes. Abnormal no.

Actually I agree with that.

I do too. abnormal no. Disabled. Yes.

One thing though.
Ive read the thread again and the two posters who have used to word ‘abnormal’ have been AUTISTIC posters describing how THEY felt.

In that case, I think this is ok to use that word as it’s describing their reality, rather than everyone’s reality.

I don’t think it’s ok to police how other people feel about their own life.

I'll address the 'policy' thing once for the new arrivals. There are longstanding posters on this thread who gain support from one another.

Then there are bad faith posters who land on the thread with their own agenda which is basically that their viewpoint and experience matters more than the lived reality of people on these threads.

After a while we realised that some of these posters were apparently incapable of showing any empathy or considering other viewpoints. So, some of us decided not to engage with such posters because they're not posting in good faith. They're ploppers. They can plop away really.

It's not a law or anything. But this thread is a specific support thread. We're here to support each other. So, that's what we try to do and if ploppers plop? Plop away. Just don't expect meaningful engagement or for this thread to be all about YOU and YOUR NEEDS.

It's a pattern so exhaustingly familiar to us in our marriages. I hope it sheds sunlight on our experiences to be honest.

As you were.

@HypocrisyHere I have never once used the word abnormal to describe autism. Two autistic posters used it to describe themselves as is their right. I quite often see abnormalities in my ADHD for example. My behaviours are in fact abnormal, consistent with my disorder.

@Jam you could equally of course just hide the thread or avoid it couldn't you? But no because YOUR agenda is of course the most important thing here. No one is stopping you posting. We're not the ones trying to curtail free discussion. We just generally don't engage when it's clear that it's pointless and in bad faith. I hope that clarifies.

😂 Neah, I'm a lifer on here as I am in my marriage... thus far.

I do like your username though. Maybe we will build peace and understanding over a plate of jammy crumpets though I must insist on butter under the jam.

@Surreality22 im sorry I miss your last post in the middle of all that.

Your sadness at things not working out shines through your post. As well as the fact you did and still care for him.

I hope you will find you nice peaceful place and find joy again.

Do you think you will sat in touch with your DP? Sorry I missed if you have dcs together etc… too.

I'm the one protected under the Equality Act (2010).

Me too! Do we get a sticker?

Mine isn't for ADHD btw.

Definition of irony right here.

After a while we realised that some of these posters were apparently incapable of showing any empathy or considering other viewpoints.

I get protected under multiple characteristics. Not sure why that's relevant on this thread.

I share your confusion 🤷‍♀️ Was merely responding. Which I won't be after this.

My irony alert needs a whole new decibel level for this. Why don't YOU go meet in a space not populated by people you are offending?

@Medicated we save our empathy for our partners and children in the main but also for each other because we spend pretty much our entire lives feeling like our needs matter less.

I'll be plop ignoring now. Damn you, ADHD!

I don't mean this in the way it's going to come across but this thread is in relationships. It's not on a board specifically for those with the challenges you have - such as black mumsnetters, or neurodiverse mumsnetters. Maybe you could ask for a board?

We're allowed anywhere.

I know @jamoncrumpets but I'm just thinking of how it would come across if I started a thread in relationships, which came up in active, about how horrible it was for me to be in a relationship with someone who I thought was NT.

Could mumsnet even hide it from active?

Mumsnet are very aware that this thread is on thin ice for even existing.

I've been thinking about this a bit recently. I was incredibly social before marriage. DH has literally one friend who lives in another country.

You know what happens of course when you get married. There's a fair bit of couple socialising, it's a good way to make friends especially when you move to a new area as I did for DH. Except it never happened for me because my DH doesn't seek friendships and even though he's social in one way he doesn't have the social skills to form friendships.

If I leave him he would be very alone in the world but by staying I'm the one becoming alone in the world. I basically socialise like a single woman but without any of the advantages of being single. And I wasn't made to be this alone. It's not natural to me.

I suddenly realise my whole life has been hijacked. It's quite profound really.

This is wrong (as is @SquirrelSoShiny who said the same thing)

At 10:47 19th Nov one post referred to mourning the fact they did not have “normal NT kids”

I challenged this at 14:44

at 10:59 ChuntyPops referred to autistic people being abnormal (I reported post and it has now been deleted)

At 17:59 ChuntyPops replied to my post supporting her position.

I see one autistic poster describe themselves as abnormal. That is fine if they choose to define themselves as that. The second poster said they FELT abnormal until the had a diagnosis - then they felt understood. That’s a huge difference.

No non-autistic person has the right to call an autistic person abnormal unless that autistic person has given them express permission to do so. There are many extremely derogatory terms used to describe different races. Sometimes people from these races use these terms themselves. That does not mean these abhorrent terms the become acceptable at all.

So I am not policing anyone about how they want to describe themselves - that is entirely for them to decide - but just as I don’t get to define you or any other non-autistic person - you do not get to define me, as an autistic person, as abnormal. The policing of language is necessary when it is applied in an ableist and pejorative manner in a generalised way.

But I am absolutely not policing your feelings. As I said in my previous post:

we do not have the right to tell you that you are wrong about your relationships. Or that you need to put up with your partners, autistic or not. Some of the behaviours mentioned sound horrific and no-one should have to accept that.

I get it.

Sometimes it feels like Stockholm Syndrome.

Essentially his needs always matter more than mine. Only staying this long has contributed to my health breaking which makes me feel more stuck. It won't always be this way though.

Is it fuck Stockholm syndrome. You are not being held against your will. I'm sorry but that is ableist and offensive