Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 6

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

@jamoncrumpets Equally, we don't tell you how to be a life partner. So we don't appreciate you telling us how we should be partners. And how awful that is. You're not in any way qualified to do so anyway.

What I really struggled with, when I was ending my marriage was, if I’m ending it because of behaviours which my children also demonstrate, then what does that say about me?

In the end I had to prioritise my mental health and decided that I was no good as a mother if I remained mentally shattered.

The behaviours which I’m referring to were/are;

My ex’s Special Interest which absolutely eclipsed all other priorities. He admitted it did, would listen when I’d patiently explain the consequences of his choices, and then get upset and his other maladaptive behaviours would increase, noisy stims, meltdowns etc. It was easier to give in to the Special Interest.

Inability to see my choices as valid if they weren’t the same as his, especially financially. How could he be wrong when he had researched for HOURS on minute detail of investments and strategies? My opinion was negated by his “rightness.” He wasn’t trying to be difficult, he was simply pointing out the “rightness.”

Inability to socialise - which meant we either didn’t socialise or I went alone. On the occasions when he HAD to attend he would mask and then explode when we got home, and be switched off for the next day.

None of this was done with malice.

The thing I find funniest in this is: people are here to try and preserve our marriages and make things better.

Ploppers are here to help us end them by showing the absolute impossibility of ever feeling seen and heard, be it in our marriages or indeed on a support thread. Because we just don't matter.

The moment that hit me will stay with me.

But you're 'plopping', for want of a better word, me in with your deadbeat husbands. Just because I am autistic.

If only life were that simple.

Mine wasn’t and isn’t a deadbeat! I bent myself out of shape trying to get him to understand and he COULD NOT. He couldn’t do it any more than my 10 year old can stop talking about Minecraft.

Also referring to autistic people here who challenge your views as 'ploppers' is interesting, no?

Demeaning. Infantilising. Scatological.

Interesting...

God all of this bar the stims and meltdowns. He just hyperfocused on work instead. Work is the special interest actually.

You tried to change him, @Chuntypops, and it didn't work. That's something that happens in NT relationships too. The thing you object to, clearly, is his autism. And you expected him to become less autistic?

How?

My husband is anything but a deadbeat actually but by all means label him if it makes you feel comfortable 🤷‍♀️ I wish he was a deadbeat really, I wouldn't have kept valiantly trying to save my marriage this long.

I didn’t expect him to become “less” anything. I pointed out that he was behaving in ways, as a consequence of his autism, that were and are incompatible with marriage and family life.

What else should or could I have done? I’m genuinely interested in your insight.

You asked a square peg to become round @Chuntypops

This, eight thousand times over.

That doesn’t answer my question!

Firstly, his square peggedness wasn’t a problem until suddenly it was - with the arrival of children/noise/responsibility/sensory overload

Secondly what could I have done? What should I have done?

Of course it wasn't an answer, there's never an answer other than: bend over backwards to meet his needs while negating your own.

Which is quite clearly what a vocal minority on this thread want. For the non-autistic partner to just STFU about their own needs and just endlessly validate the needs of the autistic partner because that is definitely EVERYONE'S idea of partnership!

Or just leave of course except so many of us have tried not to for so long.

You leave, @Chuntypops. Nobody is saying it's wrong to leave.

It's wrong to place blame entirely on autism.

@Chuntypops I think that is a bit of thing. When we are young free and single we are all square pegs to some extent, but if there's no relationship hole it isn't necessarily a big deal. But throw in a mortgage, careers, kids, disability and some very weird shaped holes appear that we absolutely have to get through.

I think most of us, NT or ND, adapt to some extent to fit the hole. Others don't, some even refuse to. At a great great cost to those around them.

Some obviously couldn't care less about others NT or ND.

Jamon, why is it wrong to blame the autism when it was the behaviours which are caused by/a part of autism, which were the problem?

please help me understand your position.

The issue wasn't the autism. The issue was you being unable to live with his autism.

Yep.

DH knows he's fucked up today. He knows. I had the chance to make it all OK and I decided to be more DH. Just do my own sweet thing instead of playing happy families.

Something has fundamentally shifted and I don't know if there's a way back from it. I don't think there is. It's more about finding strength now to do what has to be done.

If you asked my husband who I am he literally could not even answer.

I’m reading, and re-reading.

So my choices were ;

1. put up with the autism
2. end my marriage

And yet I’m not actually allowed to blame the condition that caused the behaviours which were incompatible with a marriage and children?

Have I got that right?

Randomly came across your post and not the point... but if you ever wanted help to fill in any forms I'd be happy for you to private message me. Not sure if that's allowed... but I've filled them out for myself and others in my day to day work.

🤦‍♀️😂

Yes yes we get it. It's all our faults 😂 It is most definitely never the autistic individual being objectively difficult to live with.

That is very, very kind of you. Just that offer means a lot.

Isn't that marriage? Put up with some things, accept others? If you can't continue to put up, you get out?

In your case you couldn't live with his autism. He, of course, lives with it every day.