Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 6

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

I think that anyone of us can despair about the adversity faced by our children.

it is always very important to assess - if possible - the source/cause of the despair. And advocate for them as much as possible to break down the barriers and prejudices they face. But that’s much much easier said than done I know.

You of course can feel sad. But examine it, preferably with a qualified therapist. Because if you are sad that your child is autistic you will be sad forever. And that's not helpful to you or your child.

My son had a bad weekend recently, he was dysregulated, sad, violent. I was obviously upset and concerned for him.

I spend a lot of this week pondering the whys and what the behaviour was telling me and put in place a few things, and this weekend he's been a dream.

Maybe he was just a bit ill last weekend. Or a bit tired. But one bad weekend wasn't going to have me despairing. One bad year of covid didn't have me despairing either.

I just keep on plugging away. He's who he has always been, from the moment of conception.

I never think of him without his autism. It'd be like thinking of him without one of his arms. Or with brown eyes. It wouldn't be him. I hate that idea.

@RelationshipOrNot this is my third attempt at replying to you, it is really hard to articulate. Thank you for replying, I don't have a good way of explaining it. I might have to get back to you.

Autism is a protected characteristic and there is a reason for this.

Grief and mourning for an autistic child is not about the child, it is about the setting / environment they are in. It is tougher being autistic because there is discrimination, and that is sad.

A social model of disability puts the emphasis on society to change / adapt. When society / the people in it don't change and don't include - and actively exclude - of course the mother mourns and is sad because it is not fair, because it is sad.

www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/seeking-help/asking-for-reasonable-adjustments
www.inclusionlondon.org.uk/about-us/disability-in-london/social-model/the-social-model-of-disability-and-the-cultural-model-of-deafness/

@guidedbythelightt @@Daftasabroom

The source of the sadness may be about discrimination and the impacts.

It may also be in some of the facts.

Facts - and particularly those issues disproportionately impacting autistic people and for which there are still no clear understandings...

"Suicide is when someone takes their own life. It’s more common for autistic people to think about suicide, and die by suicide, than the general population.

Research is helping us understand why that is, and what we can do to change it."

www.autistica.org.uk/what-is-autism/signs-and-symptoms/suicide-and-autism

Will this work when my teen ds wants friends? Can he say oh autism is a protected characteristic, you must be my friend? It's all well and good posting ideal world stuff but we don't live in one. Other teens aren't suddenly going to want to hang out with my ds and talk about the differences in Scandinavian languages for 6 hours.
You can't force people to like you, it isn't discrimination not to want endless conversations about obscure topics where you must agree with his point of view or he will get upset because he has done hours of research so can't possibly be wrong.

Is this a thread for people married to someone with autism?
and who have children with autism?

Or a thread for people married to someone with autism to hear the views of autistic people and receive advice from them?

It's not clear looking back over the thread what the boundaries are?

The two go hand in hand, it’s a support thread for those in that position.

Should say tend to go hand in hand.

This, so much this.

Thank you.

Autistic people coming on here and decreeing what IS doesn’t make it so.

my DD would be rid of the autism in an instant. Its like asking someone, hey would you like a large cross to bear your whole life or would you like to just get on with living?

she’s v high functioning, knows painfully she’s different and is having to learn all the social skills.

she just wants to fit in.saying to her oh you’re fine and everyone else is ableist is going to make her cry because it’s not helpful.

anyway I can see the self appointed thread police are out in force again. Let’s not derail the thread any further and ignore the baiters.

we know what we experience and to share it is enough.

my bad for engaging with the first poster. I should have ignored it.

There are autistic posters who post in good faith on this support thread in the spirit of support and understanding. They're always welcome here. Some have posted with huge compassion and helped explain behaviours without negating the experiences of people on these threads.

There are others who come with an agenda of their own and show a truly profound inability to 'read the room'. I believe we made a collective decision not to engage with those posters. I occasionally relish their totally unironic demonstration of the very behaviours many of us are struggling to cope with in our marriages.

If only some of the partners had been so upfront about these traits instead of masking! The astonishing lack of empathy for the deep feelings of loneliness and invisibility so many of us are experiencing in our marriages. The utter self-righteous self-absorption. The inability to step into another's shoes. Because, you see, it's all about THEM.

Back to the thread. I'm continuing to see a lot of the best of DH's behaviours. These are the times when I feel a fresh glimmer of hope and I remember the man I fell in love with. Sadly the wheel tends to turn full circle but I live in hope otherwise I'd be long gone.

@RelationshipOrNot I'm sorry things are difficult. You have been very open and honest about your difficulties and I always respect that.

I remember reading an article before about couples where both partners had autism and they had relationships on their own unique terms. Eg some were together for years but only physically met up once a week or communicated a lot online as avatars etc. They found a partner and also a way of working together that uniquely suited them.

@helphere my very personal opinion is that anyone who comes here with some empathy is welcome.
By empathy I mean being ready to listen and accept other people’s living reality as their reality, with no question as to whether this is real, right etc….

What I find much harder is people coming over and giving us advice as in a lecture. Or telling is off for being whatever because our experiences don’t fit the reality they WANT.

Thats true regardless of whether people are ND or NT etc….

"If only some of the partners had been so upfront about these traits instead of masking!"

You say this like masking is a choice.

I'm hearing on here that you guys want a safe space to make ignorant and ableist comments about autism, and are then upset that autistic people come and point out how ignorant and ableist you are being. Then you're angry that people are trivialising your experience.

You're not autistic. You don't get to say that autism is shit.

Thank you. I've only told a few close friends, my family and my manager. We are still friends, we recently went out for dinner and a walk and lunch together. I cried during our walk and said I still care for him and I'll miss him. He said he thought I didn't like him. Not the case. Our relationship just wasn't working. I'd told him a few weeks before we decided to separate that I wanted a "peaceful life" meaning that I was sick of drama, mood swings, angry outbursts and the constant push-pull he does. I think I mentioned the drama at the time. Anyway at our meal last week he mentioned that again but said my "peaceful life" meant I was wanting to just sit on my phone or laptop all night and not do anything else. So he got that wrong. Anyway he is constantly on his phone and computer and I don't do that with friends, we. With him if I didn't do that I'd be sitting staring into space as he only talks to me if he wants to talk about something, no reciprocation and I just get a "hmm" if I start chatting about stuff.

He's packing today and I'm in tears. I just hope he'll be ok I worry about him. He seems ok now but at the time we first decided to separate he cried for about a week and said he can't cope without me. And I do think he'll struggle. He's going back to live with his mother and I know that he struggles having her around too. I hope he will be well. We've had some good times among the bad, he was an amazing sense of humour and is so smart, has a great job and intellect. Just the lack of emotional intelligence that was missing, he inability to see things from my POV and react appropriately. It's sad.

Indeed @WakingUpDistress

Just going to remind people of the plop policy we collectively agreed.

This is an open forum, you don't get to agree policy. 😂

"Suicide is when someone takes their own life. It’s more common for autistic people to think about suicide, and die by suicide, than the general population

Two things there for me.
Suicidal thoughts isn’t something that only autistic people experience.

One poster on here has bravely shared her experience of being suicidal, from a mix of her own childhood trauma and living with her DH.
I have a chronic illness that also has a very high level of suicide. We are 6 times more likely to commit suicide than the general population for example.

So yes autistic people are clearly suffering in a MH pov, no one is disputing that, but please don’t assume that people on here don’t also struggle with their MH and suicidal thoughts.

Second, I’m struggling to reconcile the idea that you wish your dc/DH wasn’t autistic because it’s making things harder for them is utterly wrong and ableist AND the idea that many people with autism will commit suicide.
Surely, if one commits or tries to commit suicide, it’s because they are struggling and finding things hard??

Very well put @SquirrelSoShiny the inability to see how their feelings or actions affect other people very much how my ex and DS are.

Being autistic doesn't make me depressed.

Reading all about how people blame my condition for their miserable married lives/miserable child raising experience makes me very depressed.

ADHD also has a high suicide risk rate, specifically in women. I remember being really shocked when I read some stats. I was also interested that the figures for male suicides with ADHD were actually lower than expected. Of course this might be because those men may engage in high risk behaviours instead. Did 'John' die speeding on his motorbike at 120 mph by accident or was it suicide by motorbike? Very difficult to tell.

Policy you agreed? With who? You're just posters the same as any of the rest of us.

Hiding the thread is always an option of course.

My husband probably blames my ADHD for many things, including the state of the house. It would be fair to a point to do so. Unpleasant for me to read? Undoubtedly.

Does it make him wrong? Nope. He's just making observations. This thread is just lots of people making observations and finding strength to continue in their relationships.

Absolutely this. Some of the posts on this thread are disgusting

@SquirrelSoShiny

i posted here challenging the reference to autistic people as “abnormal”. I also suggested that using such negative descriptors was damaging for our autistic children who are desperately trying to fit in.

i classify myself as disabled, I struggle with many things, but being called “abnormal” is not something I’m going to accept. Disabled yes. Abnormal no.

You have the right to discuss your partners of course, but you do not have the right to talk about autistic people in a derogatory manner, to propagate negative and inaccurate stereotypes.

we do not have the right to tell you that you are wrong about your relationships. Or that you need to put up with your partners, autistic or not. Some of the behaviours mentioned sound horrific and no-one should have to accept that.

But you are being completely disingenuous by suggesting that my posts are “demonstrating an astonishing lack of empathy” when all I have done is ask that autistic people are not referred to as abnormal.