Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 6

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

Positivity about their condition has to start with you @Chuntypops because that's where they look for their gauge on everything. And you could lie through your teeth to them about how marvellous they are and how brilliant their lives could be, but they will know.

Your kids can have wonderful lives. I did. In the end.

The only difference is the mental adjustment you have to make as to what success and happiness might look like for them, not you

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

this needs to be said so much. Thank you

I'm looking forward to making Teletubby cookies in 2032, 2042 and beyond @HypocrisyHere - I can think of much worse things to be doing!

@Chuntypops

*Mine want to fit in with their peers•

i hope you know this for sure, because for many autistic people, it’s not about fitting in by conforming, it’s about fitting in and being accepted without having to conform

my parents were desperate for me to fit in and as a result I spent my teens, twenties and thirties feeling like an utter social failure.

(and your comment about autistic people being abnormal is absolutely appalling - would you describe a gay person as abnormal as most people are heterosexual? I sincerely hope that’s not the message your kids are hearing)

We are not abnormal, we are different.

You’re getting hung up on semantics. The “norm” is to not have ASD.

what I’m observing here is once more that my experience as an NT person is being invalidated. The rejection of my children is painful for me. I can make their lives as easy as possible but it’s their autism which causes them to have traits which NT people find difficult. That’s not ableism. That’s just the nature of the condition- one of them is very controlling and demand avoidant- that makes the reciprocity of relationships incredibly difficult, even with a neuro divergent peer group.

Please don’t tell me that if we all JUST embraced neurodivergence it would all be ok. It wouldn’t. You would still have NT people feeling whatever they feel when exposed to the trickier traits of divergence.

Don't speak for all autistic people. I certainly feel abnormal, and my autism would make me unhappy in any society, ableist or not, because of things like sensory issues and some meltdown/shutdown triggers that aren't linked to the way society works. I hate this enforced positivity narrative about autism. It's great for you if you feel that way, but not all of us do. I'd lose this autism in an instant if I could (I think this is largely because I am "high-functioning" or whatever term enough to see how much of life I'm missing and how lacking I am, and it sucks).

Again, well said.

I felt abnormal for such a long time. Now I feel understood. Now I can advocate for myself better and manage my life better because I know I don't have to live up to all the expectations society has of me. I can live my life my way and it will be happy.

And I never compare. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Yes, I know for sure they want to fit in. And be invited to places. And have friends.

I can manage that to some extent and also to some degree they have found their tribe a bit too. But there still remains the bits of autism which ARE a problem. Sensory issues, and the urge to bore the arse off people who aren’t interested in their special topic that day. Or conversely, understanding why they can’t say, play a board game with someone and then just walk off and do something else without the other person being upset.

Again, how the hell do you reframe this stuff as anything other than negative???

There are other people out there that LIKE the things your children 'bore the arses off' people about.

They might even marry them, I did!

What are the chances, though, that they will meet and gel with others who share their special interests, though? Who will think of the world like they do? That's it isn't it? It's a numbers game. I know.my DS probably isn't going to gel with 95 out of every 100 people he meets. That might be absolutely fine for him. Or it might not. He might be lonely.

That's what I'm saying, I don't think there is a way I could live my life and be happy, because of something that is intrinsic to me. Not to my circumstances, or society (although I agree we live in a society that makes it even harder for autistic people to thrive), but something about the way my brain works.

I would LOVE to not be so rigid, so intolerant to so many things (sensory things, or changes to how I need things to be done so I don't melt down), to be able to do those things that NT people say they miss in their relationships with autistic people - like enjoying going on holiday, feeling carefree, taking impromptu trips, enjoying feeling the sun on my skin. Not to hold my loved ones back by being that awful stick-in-the-mud person. Not to come across as a weirdo when I talk to strangers no matter how hard I try and mimic and mask. I think it's ok to hate the fact that a huge part of normal (the forbidden word, so fine, typical) human experience is out of reach to me, like looking at it through glass. It's patronising to act like those of us who are unhappy about being autistic are only unhappy because we don't frame our responses to our disability correctly in our minds.

In my experience LOTS of ND people find their ND people by adulthood. Most of my friends are ND.

@guidedbythelightt I’ll let my DS know that the next time he wants to kill himself, I’m sure that will make a big difference to him and his unique and very unhappy view of the world.

Most of my friends are ND.

My OH is as well.

We are not abnormal.

It certainly might be more helpful than 'I hate autism, it's the source of everything that's wrong with you'

You’re not answering the point though - WHAT IF IT IS the source of everything that’s wrong?

Why would you think I say anything remotely close to that to him? He’s surrounded by ND people, his family.

He’s surrounded by ND people

but is he surrounded by autistic people? Neurodiversity is a very wide catch-all descriptor.

It isn't @Chuntypops - and if you believe that then you need to do a bit more work. It's a different way of operating and seeing the world. But it's not incompatible with the world. It doesn't have to be.

I was raised in the 80s and 90s when female high functioning autism just wasn't a thing and I struggled. I struggled with peers, school, pressure. I thought I was broken. I was diagnosed as bipolar. BPD. I tried to take my own life twice. No interventions that worked for most people worked for me.

I learned how to survive in a world that I felt at odds with. Then I had my son and learned about autism, real autism, not Rain Man autism. Realised I was autistic. Eventually diagnosed by NHS.

I wasn't broken. I was never broken.

I was just on a different operating system. Knowing that and being empowered by it would have been absolutely huge.

And despite those hard things that happened I achieved two degrees. Held down a profession. Bought a home, got married, had two kids. Danced in Madrid until 4am. Drank wine in Umbria. Danced on the big piano in FAO Schwartz in NYC. The amazing things didn't happen IN SPITE, of my autism. They happened BECAUSE of it.

You say your children's autism is a blight on their lives. I say it's so much more in every way.

Yes, unfortunately we have also of clashing Autistic personalities.

*a lot

That’s very tough for you all then.

being suicidal is endless darkness. I hope one day he is able to see beyond it. I have been there so nothing but 💐from me.

Once again, can you not see that that might not be the case for everyone? "Blight" is the perfect word I've been looking for. Autism holds me back, not my way of thinking about autism.

It is, thank you, I’ve a friend who lost a child to it. But apparently us parents aren’t allowed to be sad about their child’s autism.