Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 6

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

@IamSamantha Every 2 years weeks we hit a wall and every time it's me that's not happy while he thinks it's all brilliant and he loves me. I'm worn down by him but never want to hurt him.

When DW says I wouldn't be with you if I didn't love you, but cannot bring herself to say "I love you", she thinks that is okay because it suits her, she cannot understand why it wouldn't suit me. It isn't okay it so really isn't.

Oh this really hit home

”I have crushes on other men all the time”.

So do I!!! And it’s because my needs aren’t met as you say. I feel like a 16 year old around the men I fancy because I have no solid relationship to come at them from. I feel like they can see I’m in some way available and that makes me even more anxious. I want to be noticed but I’m also terrified because I haven’t been noticed for so long.

I got chatting to a man in a social place one day and he asked me for a coffee. I didn’t fancy him but what if I had?

I feel I give off available vibes all the time because in a sense part of me is available - the neglected Bleunoir that’s desperate for connection.

I’d never be unfaithful though. I couldn’t do that to DH. I feel torn 50/50 between wanting to meet someone and meet my own needs and never ever meeting someone so it doesn’t blow everything up.

So hard 😞

I also am not sure id do this relationship if I had my time over. I could stay with DH if those were the terms but the ND children have been the most painful thing I think I’ve ever encountered. It’s the relentless rejections and sadness I see in DC, their confusion and horror that this is their lot in life. NT children would have been a lot easier I imagine. Birthday parties, play dates, sleepovers, meeting up on the weekends, boyfriends and girlfriends, all the things I knew… I mourn all that has not and will not be.

I have one ND child and one NT. My ND dc is in mainstream school and manages well. Yes it challenging but my NT is challenging just in different ways. I worry less about my NT child but that's my issue not my dc's.

My problem is working out how much of my needs do I compromise on and how will this all end. I do love my dh but I definitely put in more than I get out.

Is the grass greener? Or would I regret leaving? It would hurt a lot and I'd forever feel terrible because he's just not able to meet what I need but whose to say anyone else could either. Nobody is perfect after all and once you build in the likelihood of a blended family it might be a terrible idea.

The blended family is the biggest reason I don’t pursue anything but what I have now.

i grew up with a blended family and I hated it. I could never put my children through that. So yes that’s a very large part of the reason I stay.

It's incredibly difficult being married to someone with ASD. And having a safe space to talk to others in the same space can be incredibly powerful. Not all people with ASD have the same behavioural traits. sometimes being on the the receiving end of their behaviour is like being in an abusive relationship where the abuser has no intent to hurt you. It can take great resolve and understanding not to hurt them back. Having others to talk to and release the pressure is vital if these relationships are to survive. Not everyone understands that the same partner that exhibits these difficult behaviours can be the most loyal, funny amazing partners too.

BleuNoir and IamSamantha your posts really resonate with me too. In fact I feel quite emotional because I have been feeling so alone with the crushes thing.

I had a lot of trauma growing up and I think in DH, I found my safe space and stability. Back then, I think I was fortunate to find this stability and it was something I really needed. I also went on to have my dc and I'm well aware this might not have happened either. Lost in trauma, I don't think I surfaced to really reflect that anything was missing. I also had a deep fear of being left alone (abandonment). I don't think, back then, I was in a good place to make an all round decision on what a relationship should consist of (although obviously many of those boxes were ticked) but not all, like a deep-seated connection. I question now, whether that is still too much to expect and of course there is that thing that no one person can meet all of your needs. But, I realise that a deeper connection is what I long for. It is not helped by the fact that dh and I don't share interests/hobbies. I think it is cruel fact, that spending time with dh makes me feel yet lonelier as I struggle to grasp connection. I also ask myself are men and women just different and this is the way it is.

Fast forward (and probably spurred on by the peri-menopause), I am receiving therapy, pursuing hobbies/interests that light me up (at the start of this process). Forming deeper connections with friends and I am beginning, very tentatively to push myself out of my comfort zone such as learning to express myself more. I am making decisions that fit right with me and walking away from others that don't. However, I feel I can't just walk away from my relationship. My dcs are still relatively young and I can't get my head around the blended families thing either. I can't press the button to detonate everything that we have built up and the family unit even though sometimes I feel like I exist inside of a gilded cage (re getting out and pursuing interests/friendship connections is my way of dealing with this). Longer term, I think this is something that probably needs to happen.

This crush thing is disconcerting. It feels addictive and it is not necessarily about the 'object' if this makes sense but all the stories we project onto the object. I think you are right Bleu, it is an unmet need and it keeps painfully flickering away. Not sure what the answer is. I'm kind of learning to live with it and trying not to let it throw me off balance from pursuing the other things in my life but it is difficult when it keeps resurfacing.

Thank you so much for posting. I'm sorry you are experiencing similar but it such a comforting read for one who understands and can relate.

I should also add that dh brings a lot of wonderful traits such as being hardworking, loyal and of course the aspect of stability. I can appreciate these things but they can't replace the deeper connection thing.

@jammywagonwheel and @Overthegate as so often on these threads I could write your posts word for word.

I value the honesty of every person on these threads. The commonality of our experiences is so striking.

Apologies for replying to this so late - it took me a while to think about what you might mean by seeing a partner as an extension of yourself. I would have said no, but there was an incident with my partner recently where I hurt his feelings by repeatedly doing something that I could not understand was a problem, because as far as I saw it, he would have agreed with me anyway so what difference did it make (something similar to changing the channel during something we were both watching without asking). It made me think of this thread, and made that phrase make more sense to me - my train of thought was as above, whereas he thought I was unfairly deciding for both of us. That phrase actually helped me understand why it was hurtful, because it doesn't make intuitive sense to me (another reason to please not shut these threads down!). So to take the very long way round, I thought I didn't, but I guess I do!

How do you interpret the idea, and what does it mean in your own relationship? Have you managed to convey the idea to your wife, and does she try not to do it?

Every second you mourn you are wasting an opportunity to appreciate your children for the brilliant people they are. You are choosing to live in pain. I choose not to.

I had no expectations whatsoever about what sort of people I would bring into the world, so there is nothing to mourn.

That's very noble of you guided, but when I look around at the vast number of NT kids that I know in NT families, I see that it's just an easier ride. Sure, they have their own issues - like we all do - but they haven't as a parent, spent literally THOUSANDS OF HOURS, supporting their kids, putting them back together, night after night, day after day, week after week, month after month and year after year, after a day at school being rejected, yet again. They haven't been rejected from adult friendship groups - because your child is the gatekeeper of your adult friendships at school and is dictated by who your children makes friends with - and I've been rejected repeatedly on account of my children's rejections.

So please don't tell me how to feel. I mourn the loss of having normal NT kids. It doesn't mean to say I don't love and adore and cherish my kids. I do. They are beautiful inside and out.

But I have found this an incredibly hard experience to handle. It's affected my mental health doubly, as I have no partner to share it with - DH is thoroughly absent physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

I have had had to phone, email and visit teachers, doctors, support staff for support for my children way over and above what most parents have to do.

So if I wish to mourn for a more normal childhood and parenthood experience for myself and my children, then I will do so.

But thanks anyway for the unsolicited advice.

That's the sort of statement that I always find goady tbh. I've heard the same thing in disability groups - you experience pain but you are chosing to suffer.

And yes, IF you set up the context. it can make sense. It certainly does make sense to me to separate the pain I experience from the suffering (thinking about how hard things are with that illness, will it ever end etc...).

However, I'd say that the way youve put it feels crass to me. Just another stick to bet people up for not being 'good enough' because they dare having dreams and expecations - we ALL have, regardless of what you think you did or didn't have. And then we have hopes, hopes that our dcs will be health and happy for example. and those hopes are not always fulfilled.

You are dismissing the pain we, as parents, can feel when seeing our dcs struggling. It's OK to grieve for a life that will be easier for them.
You are dismissing the pain of OUR life being shatered to pieces because of the work that WE, as parents, need to put in. The fact we end up stretched out to the liit. The fact us, as people, sort of disappear in front if the much bigger needs of our children. And please don't tell me, it's a choice or they don't need us more than an NT child....
So yes it's also OK to grieve that life, who we were, the dreams we had about what family life would be, what our life would be.

And that has NOTHING to do with how amazing our dcs are, how brilliant they are, their very special abilities, the way they look at life etc....

@BleuNoir

I mourn the loss of having normal NT kids

I though that you were not NT? I thought you too were ND as you have ADHD? I know there are many ADHD posters here.

Or did you mean “I mourn the loss of having normal non-autistic kids”?

Autistic children’s lives would be considerably easier if there was more tolerance and understanding of children who are not considered “normal”. And refraining from implying they are abnormal would be a good start.

it’s neurotypical, not neuronormal.

im autistic, I’m not abnormal.

I don’t know if I have ADHD but o don’t think I do. I find it hard to juggle three lives. I forgot my credit card when I went on holiday recently. But I have a mum with stage 4 cancer, two autistic children, an absent husband and one child going through the 11+. Packing and remembering everything in those circumstances would be a challenge for anyone. I don’t think it’s of significance.

I’ve never been referred or needed to be referred for a diagnosis of any sort. I’d say im NT mostly, like 98%. Teeny tiny traits but so minor as to be of no consequence. Life runs as normal for me.

I really wouldn’t assume everyone on here has ADHD. There are some but not all for sure.

You can dice up words all you like and allocate meanings and tell me what I should or shouldn’t say and what words mean something to you blah blah blah.

but overall this post was to say I hurt because I live a difficult stressful life that’s been exhausting and I do it alone and I lost the dream I see all of my friends living that I don’t get to have.

Im sad.

There’s a narrative in our society which you fully know about that consisted of the picture I painted above. Play dates, sleepovers, fun, parties, friends etc.

Not tears, sadness, rejections, endless discussions about self worth, coping with meltdowns and the autoimmune conditions and the endless trips to doctors and health professionals.

So…. It’s ok to not be ok, but if you’re talking about how difficult life is when coping with looking after those with autism, no then, you’re not allowed to say that?

Really, please, stop.

@BleuNoir I hear you. I really do. All of us just want our children to have happy, charmed lives and be the best they can be, and have “a life examined” to paraphrase. Neurodivergence makes that FAR harder.

I am neurodivergent and I have had a pretty good life. Yes parts have been hard - life is hard.

I have a DC who is autistic, with several other conditions, and significant learning disability. Never once mourned his life. He loves his life. He thinks he is the star of his own movie and that's how he wants life to be. He will probably never work, we don't care. Kitchen discos forever!

A neurodiverse life is no less than a neurotypical one. Each life is worth the same. The only difference is the mental adjustment you have to make as to what success and happiness might look like for them, not you.

If my husband posted in this thread I would divorce him. My neurodiversity benefits my family in so many ways. He loves me BECAUSE of it. My struggles are different to neurotypical ones, but no worse. Just different.

Each year as I get older I learn more and more about how to live a happy, autistic life, and that also benefits my children.

You could not meet happier kids than my two, one NT and one ND.

The only difference is the mental adjustment you have to make as to what success and happiness might look like for them, not you.

My pain is that THEIR pain of rejection and exclusion. How do you suggest I reframe that?

That's not the autism's fault. It's the ableist society we live in.

DS, 8, drew a figure with discernible features and arms/legs at school recently and wrote next to it in very spidery letters 'MAMA'.

Seeing that in his backpack at pickup was like winning the lottery.

Should I be sobbing in a corner because he should be composing sentences by now? Or going to scouts? Or playing outside with his mates instead of watching Teletubbies in his underpants? Hell no.

That’s bollocks. If they didn’t have autism they could have the skills which would enable them to fit in with the rest of society. They don’t. I love them because they are wonderful and my children but I can get totally why their peers give them a swerve.

That’s lovely and everything. And it sounds as though your child’s disability is more profound than mine so that sets up different expectations. Mine want to fit in with their peers.

Very. Well. Said.