Page 30 | Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 6

Daftasabroom · 2022-08-03T10:33:35+00:00

New thread, and as previously: ^This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).^

Regularnewname · 15/11/2022 17:37

WakingUpDistress · 15/11/2022 17:14

So my question is, and I know there may be no yes or no answer, but if he cares and is aware of the issue, which he is, does he, as an undiagnosed person with autism or other ND, have the ability to change if they want to?

Tbh I think it depends on what that thing is.
if it is let’s say ‘can’t stand the feeling of labels on my skin’, I don’t expect him to change.
if it’s about the ability to read facial expressions etc… I actually don’t think they can change as such.
Some stuff though I think they can learn, like some social rules that says you actually warn your partner ahead if time if you are going to be busy/going away etc…. Or as a PP said learning that if you cry, then they should give a hug etc….
The other side of things is the cost to them of ‘changing’ because they won’t change as such, that’s the way they are wired. But they can put things in place to ease the burden (on us as NT partners). This comes as a cost to them though (see also trying to pass as NT and ‘hide’ their quirkiness etc….).

IF you can have a conversation with him, I’d tell him very pragmatically what you need (I’ve learnt a long time ago that was I thought was obvious was clear as mud to DH). I’d check with him his understanding and ask him if he thinks he can do that. See what he says. I often find with DH that he might agree in principle but nothing ever happens because it doesn’t look that important to him so he forgets….
@Regularnewname What have you tried so far? It will be pretty important for you if you are thinking I’d separating over it.

Thank you, that makes sense.

We have had many talks about this issue, and he says that he will step up/take on board my feelings/insert placation of choice

I did break things off last year, we had many chats and I agreed to try again. I was very clear with him that if he did nothing to alter the situation then next time I would not talk to him, that would be the end. I think that was clear enough, but who knows as here we are again.

It is an intimacy issue. His way of showing his love, these are his words, are by digging my garden/helping me to do the decorating etc. He is tactile but is lacking in the ability to connect emotionally and also other factors.

He did tell me on out first date that he cannot read subtleties in text messages etc, at least he was honest!

Regularnewname · 15/11/2022 17:40

WakingUpDistress · 15/11/2022 16:55

About what will happen if you separate…

FIL was most definitively on the spectrum. He died about 1 year ago.
MIL has always said she has no regret in life apart from not having found her soul mate….
Recently she was saying how nice ut was to have found a friend in ‘Brian’, a man her age that she can actually talk to and he LISTENS. She is gushing at the emotional connexion as something amazing and rare…

What I’m taking from that is

it is possible to find a partner/friend again, even later on.
maybe waiting until your partner has died is leaving it too late.
She is still craving connexion in a way other people don’t seem to crave it.
i don’t want to live like her but… it seems I’m taking that route :(. Nit sure how to deal with that tbh.

Aww as sad as it is for your MIL to lose her husband, I’m so glad that she had found a person that can meet all of her needs in later life for her.

I understand about craving that connection.

Regularnewname · 15/11/2022 17:43

@Notahappychick its so difficult isn’t it? One the one hand he can offer you kindness and other qualities that you value. But there will always be that missing piece, and the piece is really important to your well-being.

Regularnewname · 15/11/2022 18:01

@WakingUpDistress also, part of that issue is my perceived lack of consideration of the impact his non action has on me. But, as he possibly has no perception of the meaning of this, he cannot change as he cannot process what I mean?

Notahappychick · 15/11/2022 21:02

@Regularnewname I know what you mean, my OH works late several nights a week so will come in and get food and drink but leaves the dirty dishes and an assortment of workwear in the lounge overnight….meaning I can no longer ‘prep’ my workspace for the morning but have to come down early to tidy and prepare for work. Which really pisses me off as he never did that in his other place where he was lodging with a friend. So in my eyes he thinks me and my home/ business are not worth any effort and so what if I have to tidy up after him? Every time I ask him not to do this he forgets. The question I struggle with is is that his possible ND behaviour or him just being an arse?? And actually should that make any difference anyway?

SquirrelSoShiny · 15/11/2022 22:23

Notahappychick · 15/11/2022 21:02

@Regularnewname I know what you mean, my OH works late several nights a week so will come in and get food and drink but leaves the dirty dishes and an assortment of workwear in the lounge overnight….meaning I can no longer ‘prep’ my workspace for the morning but have to come down early to tidy and prepare for work. Which really pisses me off as he never did that in his other place where he was lodging with a friend. So in my eyes he thinks me and my home/ business are not worth any effort and so what if I have to tidy up after him? Every time I ask him not to do this he forgets. The question I struggle with is is that his possible ND behaviour or him just being an arse?? And actually should that make any difference anyway?

That just sounds like lazy, inconsiderate behaviour completely separate from any neurodivergence. If he was able to behave with his flatmate he can do it with you. That is him being an arsehole quite separate from his neurodivergence.

I would be laying down the law on that.

Regularnewname · 15/11/2022 22:41

@Notahappychick I agree with @SquirrelSoShiny. Your partner’s inconsiderate behaviour is not to do with his ND, more to do with his thinking that he can treat you and your home with so little respect.

Also, there are many levels of neurodivergence, and as such people are (forgive me if I am using the wrong language here) impacted differently by their ND. So for example, my partner can hold down a job, live alone, he was in the army in his younger years. This may be due to him learning to live with his ND from being a child without him really realising he had a difference to his peers. Certainly he thrived on the routine of army life.

However, many people with more severe autism will have a higher level of need that means they need to lead different lives.

I know this is a massive generalisation, but you get my drift.

Regularnewname · 16/11/2022 09:23

So can I please ask, would having autism mean that DP may agree to put into action some changes, but actually he is not able to do so because of his ND?

He says that he doesn’t need to analyse the way that he is around certain subjects, it’s just the way he is. And even if it means the end of our relationship then that would be ok for him.

Heldathunpoint2022 · 16/11/2022 11:05

It depends @Regularnewname what it is, for example stimming - DS wouldn’t be able to stop doing that even though I ask him not to because be jumps and gets hot and sweaty (and shakes the house) but that’s how he regulates so he can’t.

Anotherpairofshoes · 16/11/2022 11:05

I'm not able to help with any good advice but reading with interest because I am experiencing challenges with my DH as he is untidy and doesn't tidy up properly after himself which just leads to big arguments. I felt as though I was unreasonable because maybe he couldn't help it because of ND. Apparently he just forgets

Regularnewname · 16/11/2022 11:25

@Heldathunpoint2022 its an issue with intimacy. It’s as though he has done everything he needs to do to speak, and he doesn’t see the point of repeating those acts.
He shows affection, but he has no insight into the viewpoint that sex is important to some people in a relationship because to him it just isn’t.

Heldathunpoint2022 · 16/11/2022 11:39

Regularnewname · 16/11/2022 11:25

@Heldathunpoint2022 its an issue with intimacy. It’s as though he has done everything he needs to do to speak, and he doesn’t see the point of repeating those acts.
He shows affection, but he has no insight into the viewpoint that sex is important to some people in a relationship because to him it just isn’t.

It sounds like you are just mismatched in that department then, I wouldn’t say that’s an ASD thing.

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 16/11/2022 12:21

WakingUpDistress · 15/11/2022 16:55

About what will happen if you separate…

FIL was most definitively on the spectrum. He died about 1 year ago.
MIL has always said she has no regret in life apart from not having found her soul mate….
Recently she was saying how nice ut was to have found a friend in ‘Brian’, a man her age that she can actually talk to and he LISTENS. She is gushing at the emotional connexion as something amazing and rare…

What I’m taking from that is

it is possible to find a partner/friend again, even later on.
maybe waiting until your partner has died is leaving it too late.
She is still craving connexion in a way other people don’t seem to crave it.
i don’t want to live like her but… it seems I’m taking that route :(. Nit sure how to deal with that tbh.

thing is about this thread for me is that quite often people say things that resonate in a way that nowhere else does. Like what you said, @WakingUpDistress

....the dense fog I walked through for ten years. And the guilt, the guilt for wanting some basic attunment, the self doubt, the lack of understanding around me.

Yes. And this.
Not so much guilt, but the absolute longing for some basic attunment, and the self-doubt

Fourhorses · 16/11/2022 12:25

For me it was the guilt around the fact that fundamentally he is a good person and me needing more.

Regularnewname · 16/11/2022 13:02

@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar yes to the self doubt. I’m tying myself up in knots with this. But am also thinking, it shouldn’t be this hard.

And also what @Fourhorses says. He is such a decent chap, I trust him implicitly, he is kind to my daughter. On paper, why would I want anything else?

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 16/11/2022 13:09

Love, good boundaries and feeling a connection is essential to human beings' health. We are social / tribal creatures, from our earliest days.

We -need- connection to be healthy and content. Without it, we can't be. It's stronger in children but it's there in adults too.

So it's not about 'on paper why would I want anything else?"

It's about 'can you live without connection and emotional reciprocity'. For 99.999% of people the answer is no.

Regularnewname · 16/11/2022 13:21

Yes you are right. I don’t think I have been in a “healthy” long term relationship all of my adult life, so it’s difficult for me to know about that I guess.

We do have connection, he is able
to express his feelings to me.

BleuNoir · 16/11/2022 13:24

Fourhorses · 16/11/2022 12:25

For me it was the guilt around the fact that fundamentally he is a good person and me needing more.

This is it. I realise DH isn’t a bad person at all. He’s just got some parts missing that mean he can’t ever understand how much he hurts me, even though it’s not his wish to do so.

I’ve realised there are probably many thousands of men on the spectrum trying to form relationships with NT women. Some of us are coping but others aren’t.

when I consider leaving DH I realise he’d go into this group of unattached ND men who are trying but can’t ever fully get there (at least with me) in terms of a full and rounded relationship and that he’d probably get very lonely without me and the children around. So leaving feels very hard to do.

And it really burns when I realise my DD is going to be the same. I’m not sure she’ll ever fully get it. I feel like I can never ever escape autism. It’s in my life forever. I can’t bear to think of how her love life might go… she can’t even make a friend. Sorry, just struggling at the moment.

Heldathunpoint2022 · 16/11/2022 13:52

I understand @BleuNoir I worry about my son in the same way 😕

Regularnewname · 16/11/2022 14:07

when I consider leaving DH I realise he’d go into this group of unattached ND men who are trying but can’t ever fully get there (at least with me) in terms of a full and rounded relationship and that he’d probably get very lonely without me and the children around. So leaving feels very hard to do.

I understand this part. When DP and I have considered separating in the past he has said to me that he will just end up being a hermit. I have no reason to think this is not true.
Then the guilt starts again

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 16/11/2022 14:19

I’ve realised there are probably many thousands of men on the spectrum trying to form relationships with NT women. Some of us are coping but others aren’t.

I'm told (and observe in one case) that if the autistic person ~accepts~ they are autistic and that that means there are communication difficulties with NT people and has the will to consciously adjust to the NT's need, and also that the NT adjusts to the ND person, then you can have successful marriages.

There are a lot of ND haters of this thread but there are quietly also quite a few ND people who pop in and say that this thread has really opened their eyes about how ND traits can impact on NT people. They've even said they appreciate them and have learned from them - which is one of the best things this thread could achieve imo.

Our son's support worker says that ND people often hook up with other ND becuase they get each other better. I hope so ... worry about my oldest too. He has a wonderful heart but the rest of him gets out of kilter rather often :/

Heldathunpoint2022 · 16/11/2022 15:18

I’m hoping that there is so much more awareness of ND now that any future partners would be more informed than we were when getting into the relationship and also maybe more practical help for our kids - we can dream!

WakingUpDistress · 16/11/2022 15:30

Our son's support worker says that ND people often hook up with other ND becuase they get each other better.

I don’t think it’s about getting each other as such. I think it’s about needs.
And often those don’t match, a bit like 2 persons with a mismatch libido. We have mismatch in emotional intimacy and connexion. (At least that’s where the biggest hurdle is for me!).

dc2 is on the spectrum too. My hope is that he will need an ND partner. I just think he is more likely to find someone where they will make each other happy than if the person is NT.

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 16/11/2022 16:49

Heldathunpoint2022 · 16/11/2022 15:18

I’m hoping that there is so much more awareness of ND now that any future partners would be more informed than we were when getting into the relationship and also maybe more practical help for our kids - we can dream!

our son is having large amounts of help and I hope that in ten years or so we'll see the benefit! I trust we will. His father got no help or acknowledgement in time and I think he would have greatly benefitted from it.

dc2 is on the spectrum too. My hope is that he will need an ND partner. I just think he is more likely to find someone where they will make each other happy than if the person is NT. yes, same here.

IamSamantha · 16/11/2022 18:05

Regularnewname · 16/11/2022 14:07

when I consider leaving DH I realise he’d go into this group of unattached ND men who are trying but can’t ever fully get there (at least with me) in terms of a full and rounded relationship and that he’d probably get very lonely without me and the children around. So leaving feels very hard to do.

I understand this part. When DP and I have considered separating in the past he has said to me that he will just end up being a hermit. I have no reason to think this is not true.
Then the guilt starts again

This is one of the main reasons I stay. If I left dh would be on his own, miserable and I'd feel terrible. But I miss conversation, banter and equal adult support in my marriage. I now know dh can never give me this or meet my needs fully.

I fancy other men all the time. They're charismatic, charming, socially aware and confident. I have crushes frequently because my needs aren't met. I've never acted on them but as the children grow and I'm facing years with only dh I increasingly think I can't do it anymore.

But dh is a lovely man. He's loyal, honest, gentle and loves me so much. I love him but I'm not in love with him anymore. He's not passionate, can't flirt, isn't physical with me anymore. He's my best friend but there is always that little bit missing for me and its scary for me.

Every 2 years we hit a wall and everytime it's me that's not happy while he thinks it's all brilliant and he loves me. Im worn down by him but never want to hurt him.

If I could go back to my younger self I don't think I'd have done this the same way.