Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 6

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

Thank you from me too.

I’ve always said I e reason I haven’t left is because I KNOW DH is a kind, gentle man. And yes he is compassionate too etc…
Still doesn’t stop me from feeling lonely in the relationship. It doesn’t make him able to read facial expressions. It doesn’t help him make sense if his own feelings, let alone being able to express them. All things that would help me feel seen, heard and cared.

How are we all doing folks? Things fairly peaceful here and I've seen a lot of my husband's best qualities recently. Emotional needs I'm meeting elsewhere which clearly isn't sustainable in a marriage but I live in hope!

Thank you Squirrel for asking.

Pretty down at the moment. Life at the moment is hard going. Never known a period like it and as DH doesn't do the whole emotional support thing, I feel lonelier than ever.

I wish I could be more positive but no.

I keep wondering what life would look like without him in it. If I'd get any free time at all, how the children would take it, what our new set up would be like, how I'd cope for money and starting a job etc. I feel so unemployable at 47 having not had a full-time job since early 2000s. I guess I could get something somewhere but it's the effort of going through ALL THAT and then still not knowing if on the other side I'd be happier. Part of me would love to meet someone else. I remember when I was dating back in my 20s and it was such fun.

But then I remember the world has moved on massively. Social media, dating apps, pornography etc. How on earth would I navigate all of that? All the couples I look at, ND or NT all seem to have a few issues.

I wonder if perhaps your 20s is just a carefree time and you don't get another go at that sense of freedom when there are no kids and no worries, it's just you and you can focus on yourself?

And yes, I hear a lot of women my age asking themselves the same thing - even in NT marriages - what about me? When is it my turn? Menopause biting, kids still needing relentless support, no aims or goals in my life that I have the energy to pursue. Sorry i'm a bundle of laughs today, aren't I?

Anyone else in a better place and can offer advice? Or anyone else low and want to join in with my downer? Thank you for this thread. It's always a comfort to know it's here.

My husband is leaving next week, he's from overseas so is flying back there. I'm feeling awful in spite of how hard it's been. We still care for each other. I work full time (no kids) and am feeling very low motivation wise. Everything is just blah just now. Going through the motions and dreading next week even though I know it's for the best. I keep thinking of happy times we've had and feel sad but then I also remember all the ups and downs and the way he is and know it has to happen. I just hope he'll be ok too, he gets very depressed.

I don't think I'll bother trying to find someone new later - I was never popular with men and online dating was bad enough 10 plus years ago, it seems even worse now. Need to try and create a happy life for myself and get myself back as I have lost myself over the years in this relationship.

I've posted here before but have name changed.

I could have written much of your post BleuNoir. Sorry to hear you are having a difficult time. Similar age, considering job prospects versus my age/age of children and menopause situtation. I think I've come to a similar conclusion as well. Feeling a bit restless and getting the 'is this it' thoughts in terms of relationships. I am also coming to the conclusion that a lot of people are struggling within relationships be it NT or ND.

But on a positive note, I am really getting into discovering more about me through creativity in spite of having youngish dc. One thing for not working at the moment is it is giving me the space and time for this. I might also be trying to use this as a bit of situational avoidance/escapism though but still, it appears to be keeping me afloat.

I feel the same @BleuNoir I'm about to turn 40 and I just think where the hell has my life gone? I used to laugh and be able to be lighthearted about stuff but everything just feels so oppressive and joyless now.

A good friend has just had a baby and I've not told my husband even though he knows her because it just feels like that's my life and he has his. The group chat I'm in is full of 'DH says that's such a great name' 'we're so pleased for you both' etc and I don't want to feel bitter or resentful about my lovely friends. Except I am, there are no photos of me holding my babies in the delivery room, because he didn't take any. He didn't ask a midwife to take one of the three of us, the idea of it would never ever occur to him.

I've disconnected as much as I can because if I mention separation/divorce head on he just stonewalls me more than ever and refuses to discuss anything so I'm divorced in my head. It's stupid but it works for me.

Sorry @smallbox no pictures of me either but I have taken pains to explain to the kids behind every picture of them is me grinning away. I know I have got older and they will never remember me being in my youth rolling around with them but I did inject a lot of fun into them that they carry to this day.

Just watching the latest season of The Crown, S5 Episode 9, hearing a fictional Diana talk about her marriage makes me suspect she could have been on this thread.

A new low!

The Crown is fictional.

You now want to diagnose autism based on a fictional drama?

Bad enough with the armchair diagnoses of people's own family members, by ignorant people posting horrendous stereotypes who clearly in many cases know next to nothing about autism.

Astonishing that Mumsnet still haven't taken these abusive threads down.

I don’t think she’s saying anything bad about autism per se.

but she’s likening the feeling of loneliness that Diana felt to what we feel on occasion with our partners.

it might be hard to hear it but people with ASD lack emotional reciprocity and while Charles’ ignoring of his wife was deliberate and ASD may not be intentional with regards to this, the sum effect is the same.

we feel ignored, unappreciated, transparent and like we don’t exist.

not all of the time but enough of the time for it to hurt, painfully, and make us question if we matter.

that’s why this thread exists. To support the NT partners who feel sad and lonely and unloved. Even though that’s not the intention of their partner. It’s no one’s fault but we need support and sharing our difficulties and what has worked or not worked is very powerful.

As I said very carefully in my post, (I'm very good at nailing minutae, a positive spin on being with DH for so long)

A FICTIONAL Diana in a TV DRAMA series.... It's not a new low it's like identifying with a Thomas Hardy character or finding echos of your life in Verdi or Shakespeare.

I've been really careful to raise my diagnosed Asperger's (pre 2013) daughter with all the great stories crossing hundreds of years of people and problems and lifetimes. I feel it's really important, we are never the first or last of our type.

Oh my heart sank when I read this. I’ve no pictures either, lots of him, none of me. Like you say it wouldn’t occur to him. Glennon Doyle and her podcast we can do hard things has a great episode on this. When I see mums and their kids I often offer to take a picture.

I separated this year from my exDH a really good man, but no connection at all, formality and politeness. It has broken my heart and I even though things are going okay for me and my kids and us as parents, I’m still scared of the life ahead. But every now then less scared, when I hear something or notice something or remember something that bring me back to the dense fog I walked through for ten years. And the guilt, the guilt for wanting some basic attunment, the self doubt, the lack of understanding around me.

The fog is only beginning to lift so slowly. I know I am a totally different person to who I was. I kidded myself that I’d be able to flick the lights back on just like that but it’s much slower, which is a hard pill to swallow. Plus the loneliness of being alone without fully intact confidence to out yourself out in the world is a pergotry, but only a temporary one and that’s what the different is.

i so sad life won’t be normal for my kids. But it was never going to be either way. I had to chose our hard.

sending all the best to everyone. I actually get quite emotional when I think of what I’ve been though. Your comment about the picture really rung home. Even during those bliss moments of your brand new baby I felt that punch in my tummy of disappointment in feeling so alone in the relationship.

x

That was in response to @SmallBox xx

@Fourhorses im so sorry for all you’ve been through. It sounds like it’s very early days. How old are your children?

I really identify with the formality side of things. And the self-doubt. I think this is the hardest for me. I’m full of self-doubt so DH’s dismissal of my presence and feelings is very hard. It just reconfirms I’m worthless.

id also be very scared of being alone so I think you’re really brave. Very proud (if that’s the right word) for doing it.

I don’t feel guilty for wanting connection though. I just miss it desperately. I remember it in other relationships with men before DH. Yes there were other issues but there was an ease of flow which doesn’t exist with DH.

I wonder what it must be like to have that again. Just to laugh. DH does laugh but it’s so rare.

more than anything I miss laughing. That was always a big connection thing for me.

as for photos, I had to point it out repeatedly to DH. These days he does take photos but on his phone and then never sends them on to me 🙄😞

I keep trying to fix things but it’s hard work.

@Surreality22

your post yesterday - there was a lot of sadness in it. I'm sorry you got to the end of the road like this, and I hope that the actual separation and flight out goes as well as it can.

You will need a time, but I hope things can begin to grow again for you afterwards.

Can I please join and ask some questions?
I’ve been with my DP for 5 years, he is late 50’s. No formal autism diagnosis but he has strong traits.
He is very aware of this.

We are basically very happy, shared interests, he gets on with my DD very well, all good.

We live apart and things work well for us. He needs his time alone when he is working as he has his routine and likes to stick to this, although when I am child free and stay with him he is ok with this.

We really only argue about one issue in the relationship, don’t get me wrong we of course have our differences of opinion. But this one issue is causing an ever widening chasm, at least that is how I feel.

So my question is, and I know there may be no yes or no answer, but if he cares and is aware of the issue, which he is, does he, as an undiagnosed person with autism or other ND, have the ability to change if they want to? I know there are a lot of unknown factors here, so any advice is appreciated. Thank you.

Bleunoir

There are things about your latest post that resonate with me. One of them being, I am also full of self doubt (but I'm working on this and things have improved). I second question myself a lot and end up feeling stuck, it's almost like I need a third part to witness our interactions and say yes, that is how it is. The nearest I've come to this is a friend who has witnessed my husband in interactions and has validated some comments I made about difficulties.

I wonder what it must be like to have that again. Just to laugh. DH does laugh but it’s so rare.
more than anything I miss laughing. That was always a big connection thing for me.

Also this. I have only just realised how much laughter is important to me and I'm seizing any opportunity for laughter/joy (and cherishing it when it occurs). I have a sense of humour/am quite playful but I have been consumed with so much anxiety over the years, it has been squashed a bit. I can feel this side of me emerging much more now.

I understand what you are saying about being alone. I used to feel like this but me, by myself isn't such a terrifying prospect now, it is me managing the practacalites of having two relatively young dc by myself that would be a concern as I have no other support in real life.

@Regularnewname this almost could have been my post! I joined this thread near the start to ask questions as your partner sounds very similar to mine. However we do live together which is what causes the problems sometimes, he is such a workaholic, but when he is here leaves stuff lying around and causes chaos. Which is a huge issue for me as I work from home and need it ready for my clients. We have had the conversation about him potentially having ADHD, he doesn’t think he does. He tries bless him, but in a lot of ways it’s like having a child around, constantly having to remind and correct him. We have a laugh, enjoy doing things together- when he decides he has time. Also a huge issue for me as I struggle to understand that if I’m as important to him as he says then why can’t he find the time and make the effort?

@Notahappychick ah thank you so much for your response! It is the making an effort factor/says I am important to him that I really struggle with.

I’m at the point where I don’t know if I can continue in the relationship, which is such a shame as it works well with the exception of this one issue and his reaction/non remedy of it.

I don’t think we will ever live together, but that is ok as I don’t really want to live with a partner again.

As an NT person, I do really try to understand his viewpoint but it isn’t easy.

About what will happen if you separate…

FIL was most definitively on the spectrum. He died about 1 year ago.
MIL has always said she has no regret in life apart from not having found her soul mate….
Recently she was saying how nice ut was to have found a friend in ‘Brian’, a man her age that she can actually talk to and he LISTENS. She is gushing at the emotional connexion as something amazing and rare…

What I’m taking from that is

• it is possible to find a partner/friend again, even later on.
• maybe waiting until your partner has died is leaving it too late.
• She is still craving connexion in a way other people don’t seem to crave it.
• i don’t want to live like her but… it seems I’m taking that route :(. Nit sure how to deal with that tbh.

So my question is, and I know there may be no yes or no answer, but if he cares and is aware of the issue, which he is, does he, as an undiagnosed person with autism or other ND, have the ability to change if they want to?

Tbh I think it depends on what that thing is.
if it is let’s say ‘can’t stand the feeling of labels on my skin’, I don’t expect him to change.
if it’s about the ability to read facial expressions etc… I actually don’t think they can change as such.
Some stuff though I think they can learn, like some social rules that says you actually warn your partner ahead if time if you are going to be busy/going away etc…. Or as a PP said learning that if you cry, then they should give a hug etc….
The other side of things is the cost to them of ‘changing’ because they won’t change as such, that’s the way they are wired. But they can put things in place to ease the burden (on us as NT partners). This comes as a cost to them though (see also trying to pass as NT and ‘hide’ their quirkiness etc….).

IF you can have a conversation with him, I’d tell him very pragmatically what you need (I’ve learnt a long time ago that was I thought was obvious was clear as mud to DH). I’d check with him his understanding and ask him if he thinks he can do that. See what he says. I often find with DH that he might agree in principle but nothing ever happens because it doesn’t look that important to him so he forgets….
@Regularnewname What have you tried so far? It will be pretty important for you if you are thinking I’d separating over it.

@Regularnewname same here, not sure if I want to continue. He ended up moving in with me a couple of years ago as he had to leave where he was renting, it was a bit soon for me but he didn’t really have any other options. He did produce a ring and propose shortly after but in hindsight I wonder if he did that because he thought it was the right thing to do? I said yes but it was in front of some of his family so didn’t really feel I could say no. And in so many ways he is a kind man, but apparently only in the ways that are important to him and not actually in the way I need.

@WakingUpDistress that makes a lot of sense, thank you.

God that is really thought-provoking. I understand that craving so very, very much.