Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 6

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

Allistic or Neurotypical? asdmarriage.com/neurotypes/

What term is the most helpful for spouses and partners?

"an autistic spouse without intellectual deficit is still capable of asking his wife if she needs a hug when she’s crying. Just as he learns other scripts within the broader social world, so too can he build his repertoire of scripts and rules in responding to his wife."

And this is what I have taught my darling wonderful DD to do who now automatically comes in immediately for a hug if she sees me crying. She knows how much it helps me. I had to explain when she was about 10 that I needed hugs when I cried as it helped so much. And she's been AMAZING. Honestly one thousand percent amazing. Holds space so beautifully. Doesn't rush things. She is such a wonderful and special person.

And we have such a beautiful relationship. And we have so many hugs - of her volition also. Many many happy hugs and tearful hugs also. And she is very happy to be held when she is sad and crying.

I do think it's possible to learn and to become more harmonious but perhaps like anything in life it is easier when we are young.

She hugged me yesterday in front of DH who didn't immediately come for a hug. It took him until much later in the day to respond to my tears.

If he'd had an mother who had been able to help him know that for some of us, this is the response we require, it would have made my life so much better (I miss hugs very much from him) but of course none of this was talked about then. And his Mum had four other kids and worked full-time so there was no chance for her to support him in the way I have my DD.

@BleuNoir Your relationship with your daughter is a source of such joy. I am happy for you :)
How lovely she comes to give you hugs.

You miss hugs with your Husband, which means he knew how to do them once? and he lost / stopped that along the way?
It is sad that you don't get hugs from your spouse as you do deserve and need them.

The support you give your daughter sounds very nurturing. That relationship is a warm source.

How lovely @BleuNoir ☺️

That post has reminded me how I’ve had to teach DH how to engage with the dcs. To ask them how their day was, if there was something different/special etc…
He now has a set of 3~4 questions he always asks.

@creideamhdóchasgrá I had forgotten about the Cassandra syndrome! I remember when I first joined those threads on MN, Oh a good 10~15 years ago, many autistic posters were very offended by the idea.

An ASD man often presents in therapy as a calm, collected and a quiet sufferer of his wife’s tantrums

That’s from another if the blog post in the sue @creideamhdóchasgrá linked to.
It reminded me how DH is always so calm and composed when I ended up in a mess crying and begging him, fir example, to just talk to me rather than decide stuff on his own.
I ended up feeling I was the crazy one, tantruming and over the top. So at some point, I stopped. I certainly dented my confidence and my ability to set boundaries.

There's an article on Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome here

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/identifying-the-partner-of-someone-who-may-be-autistic-theyre-usually-misdiagnosed-0205205

From the article

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/identifying-the-partner-of-someone-who-may-be-autistic-theyre-usually-misdiagnosed-0205205

"When this woman comes in for individual counseling, she may have a flat affect. Her presenting concerns might sound vague, including hints of depression or anxiety. She may be self-effacing and ready to blame herself. She may stop and start, not seeming to know how to explain herself. She may appear embarrassed to be taking up your time.

Or she may seem full of rage. Her language might sound pressured, disorganized. She may be close to tears. She is the victim here, and she is furious.

Or she may simply present as hopeless.

I am not describing three separate women. You are likely to see all of this in the same woman in one session. Would you know how to understand her and offer her the support she needs?"

I'm going to take a break now. Thanks for sharing :)

It’s an interesting point about age, I suppose when we are young our default setting it to learn and change behaviours.

It also comes down to the ND partner’s willingness to follow a script, which I assume is akin to masking. After time the mask drops.

I feel like it is the NT partner’s job then to mask more. I felt like a was being less/dimming my light for my ex.

I was thinking of a very good friend of mine who is autistic/PDA.
She is one if the nicest person I’ve met. She used to work the healthcare sector and has this unbanning ability to make people at ease and zoom in their deepest issues. I’ve seen her having people disclosing abuse, sexual abuse etc… they never talked about to ANYONE before.
And yet, she is still in the spectrum, can misread stuff, take some stuff literally etc… And yes the PDA stuff too!

It reminded me how much if spectrum autism is.
It also made me wonder how much this is a man vs woman thing too (and the cultural expectations around their respective role and attitude/behaviour)

@Heldathunpoint2022

I feel like it is the NT partner’s job then to mask more. I felt like a was being less/dimming my light for my ex.

Sad and sorry to hear you felt like you were being less / dimming your light in your previous relationship. I hope you are shining bright today :)

I was reminded of this poem:

Our Deepest Fear
By Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small

Does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking

So that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,

As children do.

We were born to make manifest

The glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us;

It's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we're liberated from our own fear,

Our presence automatically liberates others.

Some really interesting posts recently thanks all for your honesty.

Thank you for your kindness @creideamhdóchasgrá but the last 3 years have knocked it out of me, life’s hard at the moment.

@Heldathunpoint2022I appreciate the impact of trauma takes years to process let alone dealing with what daily life throws at people.

I am so sad to hear life is hard for you at the moment and on top of the impacts of a complex, painful, traumatic relationship. Moving away from immediate trauma does not take away the impact. There is still grief to carry and care about and look after.

Take really good care of yourself :) and thanks for replying.

Talking to Grief by Denise Levertov

Ah, Grief, I should not treat you
like a homeless dog
who comes to the back door
for a crust, for a meatless bone.
I should trust you.

I should coax you
into the house and give you
your own corner,
a worn mat to lie on,
your own water dish.

You think I don't know you've been living
under my porch.
You long for your real place to be readied
before winter comes. You need
your name,
your collar and tag. You need
the right to warn off intruders,
to consider
my house your own
and me your person
and yourself
my own dog.

@Heldathunpoint2022 are you separated now? If you don't mind my asking?

@BleuNoir yes but counting down the years until DC is an adult so I never have to hear from him again.

Oh for goodness sake. Plenty of autistic people have too much emotional intelligence and empathy. Many are very tactile. To posit that autistic people all need to follow a script for this is ridiculous. Some might. Just as some neurotypical people are totally devoid of any empathy or not tactile. Both sets of behaviours exist in abundance in both neurotypes. You are making a false equivalence and spreading these misunderstandings. Up to date research does not support that autistic people lack empathy any more than neurotypical people.

Autistic people have no less empathy then neurotypical people. This has been debunked many years ago. Stop spreading hate.

I'd be really genuinely interested to read about recent research/findings on autism. I'm trying to educate myself and understand but I don't know what to read and what not to!

Empathy and emotional reciprocation are not the same thing.

Yes agreed.

I'm actually glad you said that because it has helped me understand how my husband can be so kind and caring while simultaneously making me and DC feel emotionally invisible.

Ah yes that makes sense @SudocremOnEverything thanks for that. My DH is kind in his own way to me. Rang me yesterday from work to check I'm ok because I was feeling poorly. However he is unable (or unwilling) to connect with me on an emotional level.

Agree.