Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 6

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

I don’t think I said prejudiced did I?

Sorry, I wasn't referring to your recent post. I just meant there are a lot of accusations about people being ableist on here for discussing things like this and several attempts at correction haven't really been strictly correct.

There have been ableist posts. Talking about not recommending having children with ND person because it’s genetic…. I have made a more general comment originally about the thread but I thought it better to comment as they come up after I joined in. To avoid any more arguing about past comments. I haven’t always felt this happy with my relationship and we did break up for a bit many years ago, so if sharing helps one person then that’s my only aim. I’m sure some days I’ll get pissed off and want to share that with people that understand. I’m in a house now which most of the time is two ND adults plus me! I def have moments. Probably more with my DD than DH. Maybe I’m more affected because it’s my child.

Yes, I agree, there have been ableist posts. I'm ND in a relationship with an NT and I'm the one that needs a ton of understanding in my own relationship so I'm very much against ableism of any sort. I'm all for you sharing your experience on here!

Thank you @chachachaboomboom I’m really trying to write things carefully!

I think what I’m trying to say that yes some issues can be found in an NT/NT relationship. They are similar and there is no reason why they wouldn’t happen in an ASD/NT marriage.

But imo it doesn’t mean that it’s ‘just’ a normal relationship issue because communication within the relationship is different and imo harder (because you have two people living in different ‘worlds’ communication wise).
You cant remove the autism from an autistic person. Which also means you can’t remove autism from a couple’s issues. It will still influence everything, even when they are ‘normal’ relationship issues. By that I mean the way the two people are communicating and understanding or not each other. Triggers on both sides. Etc…. It’s not just about knowing what the needs if the autistic person are. Or that they need you to be direct etc….

Oh yes I see what you mean. The way you write it, that makes sense. Although I personally don’t always find communicating with my DH harder, sometimes it’s easier and sometimes autism makes the issue easier to deal with because there’s not two people being led and ruled by emotions. But yes you’re right, normal relationship issues but being dealt with often quite differently within a ND/NT couple. This can feel lonely if you don’t have friends in the same type of relationship. I had a good friend married to someone who is ND who I could discuss it with a lot, our DHs even in same industry. Their relationship didn’t make it though.

You cant remove the autism from an autistic person. Which also means you can’t remove autism from a couple’s issues. It will still influence everything, even when they are ‘normal’ relationship issues.

This. It's always going to be an extra burden. Sorry but there it is. My kids, though I adore every cell of their little bodies, have been extra work, by far, compared to the NT kids I see around me.

They will have a harder time in romantic relationships. God knows, even friendship is hard for them. Both still struggling desperately to make friends and keep them.

Can we stop pretending that a ND-NT relationship is "just the same" as a NT-NT relationship, because it isn't.

It's much harder work. Much like being a mother to my kids.

It doesn't mean to say you love them any less. But can we just say it for what it is. Bloody. Hard. Work.

On the other hand, I'm enormously proud of my husband and my children. I think they are all wonderful. They fascinate me day and night. But the house is loaded with emotion and drama and yes it's hard hard work supporting this very wobbly boat that careers from one side to another. I get tired of the boat listing. I get tired of holding the rudder. Sometimes I'd like a calm quiet day on the sea but it rarely happens.

Anyway. Enough. I am not leaving. For now. I will soldier on. And yes there is an element of soldering because I rarely get to rest. If ever. There is a huge amount of giving of oneself I notice and that's where the resentment comes from.

Can we stop pretending that a ND-NT relationship is "just the same" as a NT-NT relationship, because it isn't.

Can you stop telling other people what to say? This is about sharing your own experience. The OP just reminded everyone of that. What I share is mine, and in fact nobody is saying they are the same. Just because somebody has a more positive experience than you doesn’t mean they can’t share it.

@BleuNoir I will NOT say it is ‘blood hard work’ either as the mother or wife, because for me it isn’t. That’s my truth, whether you like it or not.

Then you are enormously blessed. As you can see from this thread the majority of us don’t fall into your camp. I really do wish that I did though. As I’m sure most on here do too.

We come with the same tales of woe, the same frustrations and sadnesses. That is OUR truth. It repeats too often for it to be a one-off. The articles online alone that summarise our feelings are evidence enough. Many of us nodding our heads. Troubled but relieved to find that we are not alone. It’s good to find someone who can finally voice our thoughts and all the questions we’ve had for years and years about what feels off, what feels wrong. To know we are not going completely mad. Yes, mad.

Yours is an unusual tale of happiness. I am delighted to hear it. It gives me hope for my children.

I’m on team ‘bloody hard work’

Well good for you. It's beyond me why you are on a thread where people are looking for support with their NT/ND relationships though when you find it all so easy? You seem to have missed the bit where it says that it is a 'support thread and a safe space to have a bit of a rant'. My relationship with my ASD husband bumbles along ok, we've reached an understanding of sorts after 20 years together but I don't feel the need to dominate a thread written by people who haven't reached that place yet. It's like me plopping on a thread where someone says their husband has cheated and saying mine hasn't. What is the point? That's my truth, whether you like it or not.

What you keep doing is trying to minimise the impact of autism on relationships and shut this discussion down. Just stop. Im
delighted your happy but let others have their place to talk about their difficulties.

Well good for you. It's beyond me why you are on a thread where people are looking for support with their NT/ND relationships though when you find it all so easy? You seem to have missed the bit where it says that it is a 'support thread

Does it say, people in difficult relationships only? I’m here offering support, advice, and I share MY story. I’m allowed to do that. I’m only dominating the last few pages because other people just will not allow someone with a positive experience on here at all. I mean what the fuck! Never said it was easy. Read what I wrote. It’s been 30 years.

I am sick of being bullied on this thread just because I want to share a positive experience anger my 3 decades of wisdom of making it work. I’m so very sorry I don’t just want to bitch and moan about autism. Heaven forbid someone thinks this can work well. If you don’t find my posts helpful, then ignore them and leave me the fuck alone.

We all read your positive experience which was lovely and briefly uplifting. Great. You’ve figured it out.

But we haven’t.

the main gripe is your only drum to bang is to say it’s not autism it’s just relationships.

I’ve yet to see any golden nuggets of wisdom you have shared so that you can transform our relationships from your 30 years of work?

if you’d like to post how you’d arrived at this place and the work you’ve both done I’d willingly read it. Post away.

I will not engage with you again. I have shared. You have done nothing but attack me for it.

You’re the one using all the swear words and all the fucks, not me. I’m not angry myself but you seem to be mighty riled up. Not sure why.

this is my safe space and you are invading it. I won’t tolerate someone shutting down the ONLY PLACE I have to talk freely about this and minimise what’s happening. So you can keep posting but yes I think to ignore this poster from now on would be beneficial for all of us.

I replied this to you 2 days ago:

Nobody, least of all me, is asking you to defend your lived experience. I am sharing mine and had thought I had words of wisdom within my shared lived experience. Or is thread only for you? Just your kind of perspective?? I don’t think that’s how it works. I went to great pains to try and be respectful to both sides and you have done nothing but attack me. Feel free to ignore my posts if you find nothing useful in them. But I’ve as much right to post here as you do. My experience has been up and down, mostly up for 15 years so who knows, maybe someone else will find my contributions useful.

I have zero clue why you still continue to engage at all. I am not shutting you down. Continue to share what you want. I’m not responding to you. You cannot stake a claim here and control what people are allowed to say, or who can join in. You can’t bully me off either.

I swear. So what. You’ve spent days badgering me.

And I’ve not attacked you. What nonsense. I’ve just said it’s not what most of us experience on here. Great that you’re in a happy relationship. There I’ve said it again. You keep missing that part that I wish you well and pleased for you. Dear oh dear.

Wow @Daftasabroom well, neither have a lot of posters. That is really out of order. I am being constantly sniped at here. I’m reporting this thread. This is wrong.

There it is 🙈

I see this support thread as a both an opportunity to vent about the difficulties of each of our NT/ND relationships and also a chance to learn how to improve them whether staying together or co-parenting separately.

Can we accept both please without undermining either?

I'm keen to hear ideas for better balancing both NT and ND needs within a family.