Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 6

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

I agree with you there @LoveFoolMe

I don't see anything to suggest her tale of happiness is unusual.

Please share your experience then. I’d like to know where I’ve been going wrong all these years.

i also want suggestions and help.

But so far all I get is to be told that I’m conflating the two and I’m wrong. That my lived experience is wrong because someone else has managed to make it work.

The last time I checked autism is communication disorder.

www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/autism/hcp-dsm.html

please can you stop minimising and start helping.

Share what you are doing that has worked for you. Help us!!

@WahineToa

It makes such a refreshing change to see an NT person posting about their ND partner/husband in such a kind, caring, compassionate and understanding way. It's clear that you value your relationship with your DH (and he you) and perhaps the flak you're getting on here is due to envy and bitterness?

Don't allow others to drive you out from this thread. You have as much right to post your experiences, with the beauty of your posts being the total absence of ableism.

WahineToa · Today 16:21
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I’m not trying to shut it down. She is welcome to post. What she is not welcome to do is come along in this thread and say that autism has nothing to do with the difficulty I experience.

And others on here too.

Can we agree that NTNT relationships will run differently to NDNT relationships on account of autism being a communication disorder, falling into the DSM 5 category?

if this gets deleted then I now know that Mumsnet won’t accept the official diagnosis that all doctors use to diagnose autism and that using the words “communication disorder” and the very mention of DSM 5 is deemed ableist by autistic people.

Evening, all.

We're popping in to appeal for a bit of peace and love here. Please do remember to post civilly. If you see a post which you feel breaks our Talk Guidelines, then always report it to us in the first instance rather than addressing it on the thread.

Thank you.

@WahineToa

"I haven’t always felt this happy with my relationship and we did break up for a bit many years ago"

If you are comfortable with it would you share something helpful from your own journey - I see you broke up and reunited?

Genuine ask. Thank you :)

@creideamhdóchasgrá happy to get back to you tomorrow :) a few pages back I touched on hearing/noise and executive function.

Lol. Your an angry one huh?! Seems like you believe your entitled to your feelings but others aren't. Like I said my NT/ASD relationship works too, I'm not here bitching but I'm not here minimising what others are going through or pretending to be am oracle of all NT/ASD relationships.

No envy or bitterness on my side.
No more than anyone posting on the relationship threads would be envious and jealous of posters who are happily married.

Why do you assume that posters in here do?

There is, imo, a big issue underlying the ‘fight’ just now. That’s the constant criticism NT partner faces outside of this thread. The one where they are told autistic people are kind and lovely and therefore it is just nit possible the issues they have have anything to do with autism. The one where the NT partner is supposed to bend over backward to ease things of for their autistic partner but there is very rarely any talk of the autistic partner making an effort because ‘they spend their time doing so everyday anyway’ so NT can cope with them.
Note I said OUTSIDE OF THIS THREAD (and MN for that matter).

The minimising of the impact autism has in relationship is more often than not minimised. People are told they normal relationship issues etc….

So you end up with people who are easily over reacting because they feel any talk about autism and the potential issue in an NT/ASD marriage is a personal attack and an attack on all autistic people.
And a group of people who over reacting because they feel that once again they are told their experience is wrong. They are ableist. It has to be them. They use try to emotions.LT manipulate etc…. Basically they are not listened and feel gaslighted.

All of this in spades. Thank you WakingUp

How about you stop spamming the thread with your "it's this way for me, so it's this way for everyone"? @WahineToa

I started off reading your posts with a degree of agreement, but you seem to be unable to perceive that your experience is not the same as everyone's, as I say, and anyone who points this out is according to you attacking you.

My ex-H literally said to me in marriage counselling "that he didn't think he had to listen to anything I had to say".

that included not listening to me when I said that I had to go to hospital, because I had sepsis. I had to beg him for half an hour when I was literally too weak to get off the floor My younger son had only a 5% chance of survival and mine was at risk.

His 'autistic honesty' is so extraordinary that when my son said to him (he's assessed on the edge of the spectrum' "who would you choose to save if one of us was dying me or your girlfriend?" He said "my girlfriend". My son is devastated.

So I'm glad for you saying that you have a happy marriage but this is the wrong thread for you because its for people who are struggling.

Yes, some of us NT partners have flaws. Yes, sometimes we are difficult to live with too. But if you step back and look at what people are -saying-, at the specific incidents, then it's clear that your experience is not the same as others' and coming in with this patronizing attitude is not helping.

I won't engage with you again. But please take your Pollyanna attitude elsewhere.

my younger son* is assessed on the edge of the spectrum, my older son is assessed autistic. Their father won't go for an assessment but it's extremely clear that he is.

@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar my father said that to me when I was a child too - because he chose my mother and not me so he would save her over me.

Well - you, and my son, know where father's priority lies grimly

I'm sorry. I hope that your mother managed to make you feel you mattered. I'm working very very hard on our younger and his feeling of being unworthy at the moment, it'll be the work of years.

Your poor DS @ReleaseTheDucksOfWar. And you. But it’s always so hard when you see your children suffering and you can’t do anything about it like.

I had my STBXH tell me that our son is less important than his other two children because there are two of them. He has told me several times that the other children are just an obligation to him - he needs to do what’s required until they’re old enough and he can do what he wants. So he clearly sees all his children that way. But our DS is less important because the numbers are against him. ☹️

DS is too young to realise as yet, but he’s going to have many horrible disappointments as grows up because of how his father is. It saddens and frightens me that there’s nothing much I can do to prevent it.

(And for the posters threatening to pounce at all times on this thread, that’s simply my experience of the man I was silly enough to marry. How much of it is autism and how much is a really disposition/character that brings out the worst of his autism, I don’t know. But it’s my experience of him. He masked this stuff extremely effectively until we were married and had a baby.)

Your poor DS. He will need you so much.

if it's any help, the very very experienced lady who assessed my two said that it can be enough to have one emotionally-sensitive and nurturing parent (which can sometimes be the father actually, tho often it's the mother)

Even though it hurts, the children can blossom later.

@WahineToa I do get what you're saying but there is value in this thread for people who are struggling.

It's great you're happy. But you wouldn't go on to any other thread about eg relationships where people were having problems, and say, "ah, I'm in a similar situation but don't have those problems, I think you probably just need to try harder"... Would you? That is a bit how it comes across.

Thanks@WahineToa

I read your posts on noise and executive function - thanks for signposting me to them.

As you’ve said you want to share your wisdom and learning I’ve posted some questions. I hope these are helpful to all :)

(If any Qs are too personal / public forum, just skip them)

Reading your posts you say (paraphrasing so bear with me)

On noise – you are a chatty, vivacious, and loud character - in a good way :)
You make yourself quiet(er) at home and in your garden to accommodate your husband, and he takes off his headphones as a compromise while you are quiet(er).

In a marriage to what extend do you think a partner should become ‘less themselves’ and make their personality smaller to accommodate their spouse?

To what extent do you think the "success" of an ASD-context marriage relies on one partner doing this more than the other?

What negative impacts do you think there are on a person who suppresses their full self at home? (inc psychologically / emotionally)

If any, what have been the negative impacts of making yourself quiet(er) at home, and how have you mitigated them?

On executive function – you say you do all your husband’s life admin (as well as your own and for the children I assume).

In a marriage do you think there should be parity / a fair sharing of tasks so that one partner is not overloaded? (50/50)

To what extent do you think the "success" of an ASD-context marriage relies on one partner doing this more than the other?

In a marriage, what tasks do you think are equivalent to doing all the other person’s life admin?
(Doing someone else’s life admin is a huge task I believe – practically and emotionally) - even if dealing with "life admin" it is a talent and they find it enjoyable - I'm thinking PAs and EAs.

In a marriage do you think a partner should do the equivalent swap if their spouse is doing all the life admin for them?
Is this realistic in the context of an ASD-context marriage? (considering exhaustion and burnout etc)

In a marriage, do you think a partner be compensated or paid for doing the other person’s life admin?
In a marriage, do you think they be given space and time off to do the other person's life admin - away from other responsibilities and entitlements? (e.g. looking after children / work part-time / rest and holiday entitlement?)

Do you have a fair and successful arrangement for offsetting doing all your spouse's life admin? If so please advise. (wages/carer's allowance/time off and away).
How do you avoid overload and burnout?
Any advice for mumsnetters who are doing all their partner’s life admin - and a larger proportion of the childcare, and arranging/nurturing social life and social connections etc?

I understand you are in a harmonious season in your relationship, and this has not always been the case. Thanks for sharing that :)

A couple of personal questions (no pressure to answer / private info / public forum etc - just skip them if you want)

Reflecting on the previous break up, what disharmony can you attribute to the ASD-context marriage?

Reflecting on the reunion, what were the changes and compromises made following disharmonies you attribute to the ASD context?
Was there a fair share and how did you manage them?

What 3 practical tips would you advise someone entering an ASD-context marriage?

Thanks again for offering to post your experience and wisdom here - looking forward to reading later :)

I am so sorry and sad to read the painful things posters and their children have heard from husbands and partners. I have no words, just prayers x

and for those remembering harsh and painful words from their parents - it's a sadness and pain that is carried and endured. I'm so sorry and sad about that x