Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 6

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

I agree that we should stay focused on what this thread is for xxx

@MomentOfCalm , it’s interesting that the positive attributes come in clusters that are recognisable by other posters on this thread as well as the negatives.

@QualifiedDys your husband sounds lovely.

Mine is hardworking, steadfast and loyal.

He just is rigid with his thinking. He recognises it though and we do have a laugh about it.

Before Covid, he went with his siblings on a family trip. They are all autistic. He said it was really funny as they ALL thought they were completely right about everything, which led to fun and games sat chatting about things!

@7eleven Your husband sounds really lovely.

I think this would be a game changer for me if my husband could recognise how he is and we could laugh about it together.

For now I have to laugh to myself while he denies all of his autistic traits and calls me "the mental one"!

@7eleven* when I step back from it all, I can see that he is lovely and that was my first impression of him when I met him. It seems to be the first impression for many people who meet him for the first time. And, although he often seems very socially awkward, he has interest groups which give him more defined friendships than me. He really could have found a more compatible partner than me, but at the point that we met we both had big gaps in our lives. Had it been otherwise, I think we would both have moved on separately. That’s probably true for many NT couples as well, but the important thing for this thread is the commonality of experiences here.

I'll agree with this. Great idea.

I think this would be a game changer for me if my husband could recognise how he is and we could laugh about it together

Same here.

Now we have the diagnosis though, I have phoned our local (generic/ gateway) family support number and explained I want a family / couples service specialising in working with a parent/ partner with autism. They have given me a number to try so I will call them Monday and see what they say. I hope that something like this will help him to realise how his autism is impacting his interactions with me and the kids, and my relationship with him. I realise it could backfire badly though and that is my fear.

Its my last ditch attempt to make things better/ bearable!

Yep I’m up for it too.

i love how it has given more visibility fir the thread and has allowed other people to find this thread though.
Thats how I found the very first threads on AS/NT (as they were called then) support thread. That’s a long time ago….

@Regretthisfish a word of warning - I saw (over a few years) 3 therapists specialising in Autism and couples. One was NHS recommended. Only the last one understood the impact on me. The first 2 were very much of the ilk of 'you need to change because they can't' and it felt like the 2 of them ganging up on me. I even had homework! At the time i was trying to support an Autistic child out of school too (alone pretty much) so it was a bit of a slap in the face. There was nothing on the impact on me. The final one we saw during the lead up to divorce asked to see me separately and then progress was made.
Unfortunately my ex is also part of an adult support group connected to one of early (post diagnosis) counsellors. I am pleased this is the case. But some of the people on there have very much fed her the line that I'm the evil one (they told her i must have another partner etc). Everything is so black and white.
The mediator for divorce was also shockingly ignorant despite claiming they weren't. She even made us attend a session when my ex was in full on crisis mode. We wasted £££ going through line by line of finances etc that was unnecessary. It was highly unprofessional. I asked for it to be postponed and wasn't believed. There are a lot of people who have set themselves up as Autism experts. Turns out they either are Autistic OR have an Autistic child. You don't have to practice long to be a counsellor. I have stopped counselling for now but would like to go back. If someone isn't prepared to reflect and change then I dont think relationship counselling will work.

I've been pondering the variability in the effects of autism on an individual over time both short term and long term as i can see clear differences in both DW and DS1 as they respond and adjust to their environments.

DW definitely struggled to cope with a "career" job, and once we had children they became her only focus, to the detriment of pretty much everything else. Now that DS1 is settled at uni she has more time for herself and seems to be picking up on some of the activities she has avoided for so long. There was some mention of menopause on one or two of the other threads and anecdotally I'd suggest hormone variation has had a significant impact, both through the menstrual cycle and now with HRT. Pre-menopause I could always tell exactly when she was due and strangely she always more volatile post period.

I'd be really interested to hear from anyone with thoughts or experience.

Hormones definitely impact ADHD. A lot of evidence and in US they medicate to cycles. There's no formal link to Autism from adhd but vagus nerve/CNS is cited as potential common links as perhaps not as simple as first thought.. there is very likely to be a hormonal impact on ASC but that's just my opinion.

Please can I join in?

The mm app is a bit tricky to follow everything, but oh, this is me and my life with my DH.

We learnt this year that he has ADHD, but now we're pretty sure he has ASD too - albeit very high functioning.

Life is HARD. This thread is golden ❤️

welcome shizzle

The first 2 were very much of the ilk of 'you need to change because they can't' and it felt like the 2 of them ganging up on me. I even had homework!

I’m very wary of counsellors generally. There are far too many dangerously misguided counsellors out there. And you don’t necessarily know until they’ve done you considerable harm.

I do think the ‘they can’t change’ idea in relation to ASC is harmful. It’s both deeply dismissive and insulting to autistic people (the idea that they’re too impaired and just always be tiptoed around and compensated for) and harmful to the partner being given all the responsibility too.

Of course you should be able to work together and find compromises that enable you to live together more happily. That will necessarily involve thinking about each person’s perspective and any challenges they may have. And how each of you might make changes to your behaviour because you love the other.

But no one should simply be given a free pass to never consider their partner by a relationship counsellor on the basis that they’re autistic.

@Changemyname1000x Thanks for the heads up. I have avoided all advice re counseling as other things I’ve tried ( pre diagnosis) just made things worse. I was hoping that an autism specialist would help. : ( I don’t want an autism advocate, I haven’t found the autism charity’s website helpful as they just seem to expect the NT partner to do all the accommodation, but was hoping for a neutral specialist. It’s noticeable on here that the people with the better relationships have ND partners with insight into how their autism affects their behaviour. It would so much if H could gain this insight!
I guess I can speak to them Monday to get a feel. They are actually a mediation service, but not sure how that works?
I am scared of things being made worse : (

@SudocremOnEverything My ex had tons of counselling pre diagnosis for anxiety and stress (common for late diagnosed women). It only came out during our divorce that during these sessions she'd never told the counsellor about any of the actual big issues like our child being on various diagnostic pathways and how hard home life was or her terrible family background and associated circumstances (some of her close family are also diagnosed which of course should have been a clue). When I asked her why not, she said 'oh I didn't think it was relevant to mention it!'

They dont actually recommend CBT for Autistic people. I think it's DBT.

Relate were actually pretty good. They allocated a national specialist via zoom. The local divorce mediators should be struck off..terrible! (Now they were ablest!)

*Changemename1000x" is it not the counsellor's job to ask about these things?!

You'd have thought so! My point is 'they take the money'.

Ha ha, yes, I suppose they do!

I have followed this thread for a very long time, but I have only occasionally contributed. I will say a bit more because my marriage (to ASD DW) is one that went through an extended difficult period but we ultimately came through it.

It's my hope that there may be a thing or two I learned from all this that could be useful to others on the thread. I will only two right now. For me it was acknowledging that DW's ASD is not some sort of pathology, but is an integral part of her. So even saying loving her = loving her ASD is wrong, because it is her - with all the reasons why I fell in love with her in the first place, and with all her imperfections - and every spouse has imperfections. It wouldn't help me or us if I simply blamed the ASD as some sort of separate thing if DW did something I didn't approve of. ASD in one's spouse is not an excuse or a reason to stay miserable or abused.

The other is the importance of private space. That's important in any relationship but was particularly important to me as for a long time I was simply overborne. Now I have my own activities and spaces that are just mine and I patrol the boundaries discreetly and very carefully - but very directly if necessary. A thread like this is also 'space'.

DW, unlike a lot of autistic people is very gregarious and that means she's been hurt again and again by other people. I'm determined that I'm not going to be one of them. We're both determined to make our marriage work and are more than usually loyal to each other, which helps.

Thanks for this and the other 'pact' messages. I suggest that if a flare-up begins someone posts a reminder not to engage.

@Regretthisfish if you talk about counselling, what helped me was to have counselling for myself.

Some PP have mentioned upthread possible issues with co dependency etc… In my case, I’ve had lovely but emotionally unavailable parents. Learning how to hold my boundaries at home has helped a lot. As well as venting. It has helped me finding ways where my needs are met whilst accepting some aspects of DH will never change because that’s who he is (I agree with @TomPinch there. DH and ASC are not two separate things).

And yes finding the right counsellor is hard. I went through about 4 of them before I found the one I’m currently seeing. If something doesn’t feel right or if you feel worse after the sessions, don’t assume it’s you!

Such good advice, wise words and shared support on here

Sometimes I'm simply too tired to listen to what I feel is a lecture from DH. It just makes me feel even more drained.

But if I try to change the conversation or move away he persists or sulks.

Things go much better if I point out that I'm tired, agree that the subject is important to him and tell him that I'll be able to listen once I've rested.

It feels like stating the obvious but I honestly think he doesn't realise it unless I say it.