DH and the noise... Struggling to cope

[Courgeon]

The thread title sounds a bit dramatic but I'm really beginning to find DH noisiness impossible to cope with. He never stops talking, mindless banal chatter constantly about whatever comes into his head. Since lockdown and WFH it's escalated to the point I feel like screaming. His job is very solitary and quiet, this does not suit him. Previous jobs were the opposite and he was less intense with the talking, the ranting, the overly detailed explanations.

He's an extrovert++. I'm more introverted but reasonably sociable but now I just can't stand it. Today for example he asked me to go for a walk with him ds (who's also quite quiet) asked about all the places he'd lived as we were walking. He proceeded to talk in intense detail about every single one for about 20 minutes until I had to interject and say something. I feel really rude but I end up snapping as he literally doesn't stop.

A song comes on in an advert and he'll start chuntering away, the cat comes in mewling and he starts miaowing back really loudly! His interpersonal world is now very small, no work colleagues as such and one very tight knit group of friends who he sees a lot but who are all very similar to him and then just me and DS and DD. They are pretty quiet too and sometimes snap at him esp when we're trying to chat normally and he demands we repeat whole sections of conversations as he feels he's not being included. I do wonder if we're all quiet as a way of coping with his intensity.

Other people think he's vibrant and funny which he can be but the constant noise is just getting too much. Esp as he's at home all the time. I work out of home mostly thank God but it means when I'm at home I'm never alone.

I try to make light of him being a "chatterbox" but it's getting to the point of us arguing as I'll end up snapping telling him to shut up. His need to recount everything in detail is almost a kind of mania. I don't want to affect his self esteem or make him change his naturally "exuberant" personality but we all need a break.. his family are similar, his mum and brother go on and on and on. Any idea as to how to address this?

Oh that's quite sad - most of us weren't meant to work from home or be cloistered away from the world. I would probably get very annoying if didn't work with a group of talkative people who interrupt me after 12 seconds.

If he hasn't worked recognised what is happening, I would tell him. He needs to find an outlet for his personality other than you - a different job, a new hobby, enter politics...a safe space to talk shite in.

But first, is there some way of checking other people feel the same way as you? And it's not just you liking him less and therefore finding him annoying?

Friends of ours have described him as "manic" "chatterbox", "gosh he can talk can't he" and similar. All since he's been WFH although he has always been known as very sociable and "life and soul of the party". I was very quiet as a teenager, more gregarious 20 and 30s and now am retreating into solitude again in my 40s. He's been talking to dd and her friends for 3 hours now, and every question he asks them he interrupts whilst they're answering to give his opinion/ask another question. So yet another day of his voice booming non stop through the house even though mostly not to me.

Thank God me and DS are on our way out soon. However I just want to get ready for our trip in peace without him and DDS friends yattering away to each other in our communal space.

And to a pp point, I think perimenopause makes you (me) less tolerant of this.

That's definitely the case for me...

"We tried to watch a film we liked but it was punctuated by her constant chatter and huffing and puffing that she couldn't understand the storyline/didn't like the film and that she was "bored". Never again."

Yes yes yes. Same with my MIL. She can't bear for others to be distracted from her verbal diarrhoea. Should anyone interject with "does anyone want to hear a joke about x, y or z?", she'll say why she doesn't like jokes/doesn't approve of x, y or z. Even once said she had no idea who Kermit was as had never watched or heard of Sesame Street. So a Kermit-based joke was banned.

shock "She can't bear for others to be distracted from her verbal diarrhoea."

tbh OP DH sounds like. One post says he doesn't listen to similar family members. I guess two people wanting everyone to listen to them just won't work.

meanwhile, a life without Kermit...? Unthinkable!

I agree with this. There are a couple of people I work with (not closely, thankfully) who have this verbal diarrhea. Constantly talking absolute shite, as everybody else around them backs away, puts on headphones, rolls their eyes, or 'jokily' asks to get a word in edgeways. They don't notice, just keep droning on. Nobody can stand to work with them, it's selfish and rude.

I couldn't tolerate your husband Op and I feel sorry for your daughter that her time with her friends is being ruined by her dad monopolising the conversation. Can't you tell him to leave her alone for a while? Her friends came to play with your DD, not to be a captive audience for an attention seeking middle aged man.

In the longer term maybe suggest he gets a different job that suits his need for constant interaction, and therapy so he can try to become more considerate of other people. Him dominating the communal spaces in the house is not ok. You and the children need time and space to breathe and relax too.

@shockthemonkey that's made me smile!
He does seem less verbose today.
I feel a bit bad for getting annoyed as he's been really helpful as well.
I think peri is making me less tolerant. When colleagues start going on with themselves in meetings I find myself inwardly eye rolling.

I remember working with 2 (male) colleagues in a previous role. Shared office, about 8 of us. They declared they "didn't like emails" so every communication was a long, drawn out phone exchange with loads of "banter". Whereas I'd send an email that took 5 minutes peacefully and unobtrusively to multiple recipients using succinct language.

He sounds exhausting and barging in while you are in the bath for a chat. I admire your patience as I would have locked the door and had music on or a sig on the door do not disturb. Yes get one of them signs to hang on your door when you need time out as surely he can take the hint. I had an ex who went on and on with long drawn out monologues about people I did not know or care about and if I tried to talk he said do not interrupt but I said a conversation is 2 sided not just listening to you droning on and on as boring. As I have got older say what I think but did not when younger. Enjoy your trip and peace and quiet. He will be talking to the plants when you are gone, they will be like beanstalks upon your return. Have fun. Interesting thread and funny reading all the comments.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · Today 13:19
The thing is these chatterers are not communicating.

That's the crux of it, Bethlehem. It's what annoys me the most about this behaviour. It's the selfish hogging of airspace with no thought for what others might want to discuss - or god forbid, no acceptance of the need for the odd space for quiet contemplation or enjoyment of a film on TV.

I don't see the inner distress aspect of it, at least in the case of my MIL, but I accept I might be biased by my frustration with her behaviour. It's an interesting point.

My brother is like this. He calls round once a week after I've just got home from work & does not stop - on & on, jokes & puns, general chat, all at high speed & top volume - I find it exhausting after a long & busy day.

I'd struggle to live with it all the time.

Agree. I find it self indulgent tbh and more than a bit selfish. And they never listen to you or anyone else - 1 min in and they are bored and have either taken over, shut you down or walked off to find another audience.

It's like dealing with someone who is perpetually drunk & always has a better story to tell.

If you start telling your DC off early enough, they will become self conscious enough to learn not to inconvenience the people around them.
Worked for me - I learned to always reign myself in and keep my flawed character in check.

I really think you should get a lock for the bathroom door and also record his monologues too. Use your phone. No need for cameras. Show him what he's doing. It's not funny. It's not entertaining. He's boring you all and causing stress. He's holding polite people captive. I agree he's like a stupid drunk who keeps on and on and on.

You need to intervene when he buttonholes DD and her friends.

You also need to tell your DD it's perfectly fine to stand up or leave the room, saying 'Later dad'.. Or put on noise canceling headphones and put up her hand. Three hours of listening to that would make me murderous.

Empower your daughter. Buy her noise canceling headphones, and buy some for you too.

To heck with politeness. You dont need to be polite or to model politeness here.

Snap away at this rude and very poorly brought up man.

Encourage your children to stop putting up with this bullshit, and if that takes snapping or downright 'STFU' then so be it

You are not going to change this man's terrible habit by continuing to do exactly as you have done for years now. If you want something to change you are going to have to change how you react.

You need to stand up to this if you want your children to visit your home once they leave for university and for jobs afterwards. They should not have to put up with three hours of boorish, bad behaviour on his part. Your daughter had friends over and instead of having a nice time together he inflicted a three hour (and ongoing) monologue on them?

And you think you need to be polite???

It sounds as though you’re not compatible at all, and that you don’t like your husband anymore

Prokupatuscrakedatus
If you start telling your DC off early enough, they will become self conscious enough to learn not to inconvenience the people around them.
Worked for me - I learned to always reign myself in and keep my flawed character in check.

huge hugs to you, I just realised recently I was stifling one of my ds’ personality, he told me he hadn’t said anything at a family gathering because he was sure he would get it all wrong and say the wrong thing. It was an eye opening moment, I don’t want to dictate my children’s personalities

‘To heck with politeness. You dont need to be polite or to model politeness here.

Snap away at this rude and very poorly brought up man.

Encourage your children to stop putting up with this bullshit, and if that takes snapping or downright 'STFU' then so be it

You are not going to change this man's terrible habit by continuing to do exactly as you have done for years now. If you want something to change you are going to have to change how you react.

You need to stand up to this if you want your children to visit your home once they leave for university and for jobs afterwards. They should not have to put up with three hours of boorish, bad behaviour on his part. Your daughter had friends over and instead of having a nice time together he inflicted a three hour (and ongoing) monologue on them?

And you think you need to be polite???’

yes the op’s family atmosphere will vastly improve with this advice lol

I think you're down the right track with neurodivergence, this isn't an extrovert introvert thing, this is a lack of social awareness thing. Sending him out for a shift in a cafe isn't going to change that.

Stayathomer, you asked whether the annoying MILs might be doing this because there is nobody to listen to them at home.

In the case of my MIL, she has a captive audience 24/7 in the shape of my lovely, kind, tolerant FIL. He has to listen to her all day and every day. It amazes us all that he can do it. I think he has just stopped "hearing" her - she is quite happy if he occasionally nods or adds a "yes dear" from time to time.

But math raises an interesting point. Is there a way to change them? It would only work if they can be made to understand why it's a problem and if they can be arsed to change, with family support.

Goodness knows I tried with my MIL: "in what way, if any, can I engage with this talk of yours? Are we on the same story as five minutes ago? Is 'he' the same person as last sentence, who do you mean by 'we' and who are 'they'?" She doesn't get it at all, it totally baffles her because her family has been subjected to this since the year dot and they all have their own ways of "tolerating" it - including just walking out on her mid-flow, frequently. They just don't engage at all, as it is impossible to do so.

@shockthemonkey Have you tried direct communication? As in ‘I don’t know who/what that is and I’d prefer to talk about something else’? Or, ‘I really don’t feel chatty at the moment, I’d just like to have a quiet moment to myself’. Or whatever.

You may already be doing this, but then you’d be in the minority on MN. It often seems like 90% of the posts on here wouldn’t exist if people were able to communicate what they wanted.

Probably not often enough, spice - but I have several times posed the questions in my post above:

"In what way, if any, can I engage with this talk of yours?" OK maybe I put it a little less bluntly than that...

"Are we on the same story as five minutes ago?"

"Is 'he' the same person as last sentence... who do you mean by 'we' and who are 'they'?"

She just looks totally baffled... She may supply the information eg "Oh, 'he' is Peter Smith of course" - the fact that I have never met this person does not bother her at all and as soon as she's replied she continues with the same "story"

She has openly criticised me in the past for "not talking enough" and pronounced that my kids would be behind in their speech because I didn't prattle on at them all day. So once or twice, when she has paused for breath, I have asked her what she thinks of people who are sometimes "quiet". She replies that she thinks it's rude to be silent, the sign of a closed mind, and I feel like saying isn't it a bit rude to monopolise all talk... but I don't dare.

Sorry to derail! OP I hope you are able to talk to your DH and get him to see the problem.

This reminds me of this thread

And this