DH and the noise... Struggling to cope

[Courgeon]

The thread title sounds a bit dramatic but I'm really beginning to find DH noisiness impossible to cope with. He never stops talking, mindless banal chatter constantly about whatever comes into his head. Since lockdown and WFH it's escalated to the point I feel like screaming. His job is very solitary and quiet, this does not suit him. Previous jobs were the opposite and he was less intense with the talking, the ranting, the overly detailed explanations.

He's an extrovert++. I'm more introverted but reasonably sociable but now I just can't stand it. Today for example he asked me to go for a walk with him ds (who's also quite quiet) asked about all the places he'd lived as we were walking. He proceeded to talk in intense detail about every single one for about 20 minutes until I had to interject and say something. I feel really rude but I end up snapping as he literally doesn't stop.

A song comes on in an advert and he'll start chuntering away, the cat comes in mewling and he starts miaowing back really loudly! His interpersonal world is now very small, no work colleagues as such and one very tight knit group of friends who he sees a lot but who are all very similar to him and then just me and DS and DD. They are pretty quiet too and sometimes snap at him esp when we're trying to chat normally and he demands we repeat whole sections of conversations as he feels he's not being included. I do wonder if we're all quiet as a way of coping with his intensity.

Other people think he's vibrant and funny which he can be but the constant noise is just getting too much. Esp as he's at home all the time. I work out of home mostly thank God but it means when I'm at home I'm never alone.

I try to make light of him being a "chatterbox" but it's getting to the point of us arguing as I'll end up snapping telling him to shut up. His need to recount everything in detail is almost a kind of mania. I don't want to affect his self esteem or make him change his naturally "exuberant" personality but we all need a break.. his family are similar, his mum and brother go on and on and on. Any idea as to how to address this?

Last time I tried to have a quiet bath he came in and tried to talk at me

This is mad! How have you not killed him?

Sounds like he is going deaf.

Sympathies, OP. My MIL is just like this. I can only take it in infrequent, short doses.

The thing that bugs me the most is that she never bothers to ask herself whether her incessant verbal meanderings are in any way interesting to anyone around her. She begins with one topic, then segues off into another without getting to the point of story number one. You're supposed to be fascinated and listen to what some person you never met and will never expect to meet had for lunch seven years ago while on a coach trip to a part of the world you have never been, or even worse, to a part of the world you may know very well but your input is not required because SHE has to fill the air with her disorganised, meaningless rambling.

I used to say, at the beginning, whom is this story about, do I know her, what restaurant is this about, where are we now on the coach trip, is there a point to this story etc but she doesn't care. We even listen to her in shifts - one person leaving the room as another enters, MIL in full flow not even seemingly aware that the audience has changed mid-story.

If you find the answer to getting him to shut up, please come back and let us know!

Yep. Very familiar, closing windows and the big french doors if it's anything if a sensitive or contentious nature as otherwise both sets of neighbours will hear. I'm constantly saying you don't need to shout, I'm only here etc etc.

Yesterday was a really tricky day, hence the post..I went to bed mentally exhausted. I'm on annual leave at the mo and trying to enjoy it but getting very minimal peace unless I go out and do something on my own. He has agreed to go and work in a cafe one day and also to try to be more mindful of the monologues/endless questions. But I doubt he will.

His mum says he's always been like that, chattering away to people on the bus and people in shops as a child, going over to groups of people and joining in, welcome or not! I think she thought it was sweet so never talked to him about how it could be intrusive/unwelcome. Both my DC's are pretty shy so that would never happen, in fact I have to encourage them to chat to adults more! When there with me on their own they open up but as a family group they're pretty quiet. I think we're all just overwhelmed by his incessant chatter. They both do snap at him a bit sometimes which isn't nice which they've picked up from me so I am mindful to try to be more polite.

@shockthemonkey yep his mum my MIL is exactly that too.... As is his brother... It's draining and relentless! The problem is ironically he finds them draining too and will switch off and pick his phone up when they're here leaving me to do do all the social heavy lifting with their endless drivel. I've tried to use it as a reflective tool so he can empathise with my position! I've been firm from now on he goes to see his mum on his own regularly and if she comes here he stays and chats with her, doesn't just find an excuse to peel off and do his own thing.

At Xmas him and DS went upstairs to watch something they wanted on the iPad leaving me and dd with mil downstairs. We tried to watch a film we liked but it was punctuated by her constant chatter and huffing and puffing that she couldn't understand the storyline/didn't like the film and that she was "bored". Never again.

You've described my DH to a T.
He was diagnosed with ADHD in recent years (during the pandemic when he began WFH full time) and it was the incessant talking that was one of the signifiers.
Maybe that's something to consider?
We now have ground rules about the noise he makes and I have a great pair of noise cancelling headphones 😅
He doesn't get offended when I politely tell him he's being noisy and understands when I need to go into another room and shut the door behind me for a while.

I can't add to any of the advice, but I can sympathise.

I am reasonably sociable when I need to be, but I am normally introverted. I find people who chatter constantly extremely wearing and if I have come up against one I get very impatient because I can't wait to get away to be on my own.

I'm sure your DH is a lovely man, but the incessant background noise and talking drivel would drive me round the bend.

Lots of people have said to talk to him about your feelings (as opposed to snapping about specific incidents) and given suggestions as to how. You don’t seem to like that advice, so I’m not sure how else you can address it.

I agree about trying to talk to him, this morning we've had a chat about the difference between introverts and extroverts and how that relates to us.

I do think he needs a more sociable job as well though. And there are some things he just can't help himself with, like today as soon as I went in the kitchen he opened up an email and started chuntering about it, e.g. "oh gosh what's this then, well that's interesting, hmm hmm let's see". He doesn't do it when he's on his own, it's his cue for me to enquire what he's on about. That's the kind of thing that needs to stop, I wouldn't try and involve him in the contents of my work emails, I just quietly get on with them. Same with phone calls, if I get a call I go in a different room to take it. If he does he has a loud, shouty conversation in our communal space so we're all sat quietly listening to said phone call.

I don't think 'being an extrovert' or 'being sociable and affable' can be used as an excuse for the poor behaviour he's showing here. He clearly dominates the space in the house, so his kids and wife don't get to choose what they do, what they talk about. People who fill the air like this deprive everyone else of the opportunity to start a conversation about things that interest them. There's no chance to quietly explore different points of view. It's 'talk loud and long' or 'be silent'!

So rude to ignore the needs of the people around you in this way. Selfish.

I think he's neurodivergent. I know a fair bit about this for personal and professional reasons. He's obsessive and hyperfocussed but also flits from one thing to another and is crap with time management. Completely over books himself with the amount of tasks he wants to complete then gets very agitated when he doesn't get through them all. Poor boundaries with work, often WFH late into the evening. This is where being in an office with some stricter parameters would work.

I agree about trying to talk to him, this morning we've had a chat about the difference between introverts and extroverts and how that relates to us.

Oh, good! That sounds positive. What was the outcome of this? Did you tell him what you needed? What was his response?

The people with mils who irritate them, am honestly just wondering, do they have people at home who listen to them talk at all? Because when my dad died my mum went from having a sounding board to nobody, so we get all of her thoughts on everything and it just hit me one day the amount of bits and pieces myself and dh comment on over a day and I realised one day one of us will have nobody to share those silly little things or the annoyances that you have because something won’t work etc

I live alone and I love it

now my dad is gone, when I am with mum - which is a lot more often - I wonder how he tuned out her incessant wittering.

but I have asked her to cool it and she has.

OP I think you can only be blunt with your DH. Tell him you need quiet like he needs noise. He might relate to that.

is there no way he can go to a workspace? Though he was the person I needed to STFU when I worked in offices!

I think this is a very valid point. MIL lives on her own and has done for 25+ years. Her ex (DH father) is dead now but they split due to him just not speaking to her or engaging with her (amongst other things). She is definitely very lonely but she drives people away as she's so intense and incessant with her chatter. She's also always falling out with people. Her and brother in law have no idea of when enough is enough, they'll sit talking in the same room for literally 6 hours. She also accuses DH and bro in law of abandoning her by moving away and is very resentful. She wasn't even happy with DH moving away to go to university, she expected him home each weekend and when he wasn't sure projected it all onto him. Very needy.

@EmmaH2022 I have suggested a workspace. There are several great ones near us. However he refuses as it's too much hassle for him....
The compromise is him working from a cafe one day a week which he's agreed to but I get all the mutterings and rantings when he comes home about how difficult it was for him....

@Cherchezlaspice it went ok. He's accepted the constant chatter needs to reduce a bit. I've also said I'll try and ask politely rather than snapping. He's offered to go shopping for me for my camping trip (he's not coming just me and quiet DS...yay!). I'm a bit wrecked with tiredness today so didn't really have energy to discuss much but it's a start.

Not much of a compromise

re the phone calls, that's such bad manners. Have you told him that? I just can't fathom someone subjecting everyone to that unless they have a huge ego, that's not going to help his relationships with anyone, least of all his family.

Yes but as a nine year old, she doesn't have a full grasp on social norms and probably will become more self aware as she becomes older

@EmmaH2022 yes have told him but still have to give him the hint mid conversation to go to another room. To be honest both brothers in law do it too and I have a friend who does it. Some people just aren't that socially aware and/or are arrogant enough to think everyone else is interested in their conversation.

Oh OP you have sympathy. My Ex (note, ex) used to work for a car hire company. Every evening I would get a full verbal list of every car he'd dealt with, make, model, color and registration number. I dreaded it. Utterly mind numbing. Then he went to work somewhere where he made food for people and I got the evening run down of what he'd made (in huge detail) for which person and how much they ate. Eventually I just screamed "I DON'T CARE" and divorced him. Well, he had committed other crimes as well.

I chat and enjoy Chatters but they have to have interesting chat. His chatter sounds awful. He definitely needs to find another job with people in it.

The thing is these chatterers are not communicating. They are not telling you anything interesting or even inviting conversation and they are certainly not sharing their inner selves. They are just running off at the mouth with verbal diarrhea that has nothing whatsoever to do with the interests and needs of the listener. I don't think they would even really be classed as extraverts. It seems they are expressing some inner distress with this behaviour, like for instance, people rocking themselves, or hair chewing. The difference being that they seem to need an audience for the behaviour. I think this is the reason that it is so hard to listen to - you are hearing their masked distress, that they are entirely unaware of, but it presses all your distress alarms too.

Defo irritating when my bf makes noises to prompt me to ask what's going on.

For example "oh no would you look at that". Expects me to say "what's up".

So annoying. Just spit it out if you want me to say something.

My ex was much better when he had gone into his office. He did tell me though that his colleagues put him on a different table to them(on his own) as he was so annoying!

I always wondered whether he had adhd.

And to a pp point, I think perimenopause makes you (me) less tolerant of this.