DH and the noise... Struggling to cope

[Courgeon]

The thread title sounds a bit dramatic but I'm really beginning to find DH noisiness impossible to cope with. He never stops talking, mindless banal chatter constantly about whatever comes into his head. Since lockdown and WFH it's escalated to the point I feel like screaming. His job is very solitary and quiet, this does not suit him. Previous jobs were the opposite and he was less intense with the talking, the ranting, the overly detailed explanations.

He's an extrovert++. I'm more introverted but reasonably sociable but now I just can't stand it. Today for example he asked me to go for a walk with him ds (who's also quite quiet) asked about all the places he'd lived as we were walking. He proceeded to talk in intense detail about every single one for about 20 minutes until I had to interject and say something. I feel really rude but I end up snapping as he literally doesn't stop.

A song comes on in an advert and he'll start chuntering away, the cat comes in mewling and he starts miaowing back really loudly! His interpersonal world is now very small, no work colleagues as such and one very tight knit group of friends who he sees a lot but who are all very similar to him and then just me and DS and DD. They are pretty quiet too and sometimes snap at him esp when we're trying to chat normally and he demands we repeat whole sections of conversations as he feels he's not being included. I do wonder if we're all quiet as a way of coping with his intensity.

Other people think he's vibrant and funny which he can be but the constant noise is just getting too much. Esp as he's at home all the time. I work out of home mostly thank God but it means when I'm at home I'm never alone.

I try to make light of him being a "chatterbox" but it's getting to the point of us arguing as I'll end up snapping telling him to shut up. His need to recount everything in detail is almost a kind of mania. I don't want to affect his self esteem or make him change his naturally "exuberant" personality but we all need a break.. his family are similar, his mum and brother go on and on and on. Any idea as to how to address this?

Great links CruCru! I think I'll wander over to those threads too! Good to know we're not alone!

I think you're down the right track with neurodivergence

^this

I have great sympathy for you OP, my DH would appear to be a long lost sibling of your DH.

It's incessant, and for the most part just drivel, talking for the sake of talking.

I mentioned on another post recently when his sibling and partner came round, similar personalities / diversities and at one point in the 'conversation' all 3 of them were talking at once whilst I'm just sat there with my ears bleeding unable to believe how I'm the only one noticing that no one is listening they're just all talking. Incredible.

I have quite selective hearing nowadays, especially when he does the heavy sighing or 'oh no' exclamations - if I'm not feeling particularly patient he'll get a short tempered 'oh for goodness sake, what now' but mostly I try to ignore it.

It's a shame really as he didn't always seem this bad.

OP.....what are you going to do when both of you retire???

I don't see how this situation can improve. You find him draining, and on his side, it's very unpleasant to feel ashamed that your natural personality is bothering someone. He shouldn't have to tone it down - the idea of a relationship is that you can be yourself with the other person and that they like and love you for who you naturally are, mostly, with some minor changes maybe. I'm not sure if a minor change is going to be enough with him, and it might get worse as time goes on and you may become even more intolerant.

@CrystalCoco Lol....let me guess.....the 'oh nos' are him wanting you to aks what the matter is? XD

So he's got worse as he's got older? How did you tolerate even half of this when you first met him?

@shockthemonkey disorganised, meaningless rambling

I've met one or two like this. It's strange. I think we've all been in conversations that move swiftly along because everyone is having a good time, but I've met some people who's train of thought resembles marbles being dropped on a floor. Everything is just everywhere at once.

I've just come back from visiting my sister's house where my mum and my Bil have both talked at me for several hours. Two different conversations at the same time. My dMs conversation was all about her aches and pains and my Bils conversation was just complete jibber jabber about nothing in particular. They compete to see who can be the loudest. At one point my DM started singing while Bil continued to jibber jabber. No wonder my DSis has to disappear frequently to smoke a cigarette. Who was it who said "hell is other people"? I had total sensory overload and I came home feeling like a wrung out dishcloth.

Fortunately DH loves peace & quiet, like me. Its so much more restful.

@EarthSight that's exactly what the 'oh no's' are for lol

Definitely worse as he's gotten older, when we met he just came across as outgoing, interested and interesting and a bit of an extrovert.

You asked a good question in another post ref retirement - that's the stage we're in which is probably why it's worse now.
Luckily he's 'a busy person' with several hobbies that take him out of the house for hours at a time so I do get respite - and I plan my day around these too so some days we're like ships passing, it's not a great marriage to be fair, nor a great way to live, but like I said we're retired now so I feel the time has passed (financially) to make a move.

@CrystalCoco That's sad. You shouldn't feel like time away from him is respite. Part of me is surprised he's more like this now - it takes quite a bit of energy to talk a lot and be outgoing. I would expect him to slow down, not the other way around!

@EveSix what a fabulous answer! :-)