DH and the noise... Struggling to cope

[Courgeon]

The thread title sounds a bit dramatic but I'm really beginning to find DH noisiness impossible to cope with. He never stops talking, mindless banal chatter constantly about whatever comes into his head. Since lockdown and WFH it's escalated to the point I feel like screaming. His job is very solitary and quiet, this does not suit him. Previous jobs were the opposite and he was less intense with the talking, the ranting, the overly detailed explanations.

He's an extrovert++. I'm more introverted but reasonably sociable but now I just can't stand it. Today for example he asked me to go for a walk with him ds (who's also quite quiet) asked about all the places he'd lived as we were walking. He proceeded to talk in intense detail about every single one for about 20 minutes until I had to interject and say something. I feel really rude but I end up snapping as he literally doesn't stop.

A song comes on in an advert and he'll start chuntering away, the cat comes in mewling and he starts miaowing back really loudly! His interpersonal world is now very small, no work colleagues as such and one very tight knit group of friends who he sees a lot but who are all very similar to him and then just me and DS and DD. They are pretty quiet too and sometimes snap at him esp when we're trying to chat normally and he demands we repeat whole sections of conversations as he feels he's not being included. I do wonder if we're all quiet as a way of coping with his intensity.

Other people think he's vibrant and funny which he can be but the constant noise is just getting too much. Esp as he's at home all the time. I work out of home mostly thank God but it means when I'm at home I'm never alone.

I try to make light of him being a "chatterbox" but it's getting to the point of us arguing as I'll end up snapping telling him to shut up. His need to recount everything in detail is almost a kind of mania. I don't want to affect his self esteem or make him change his naturally "exuberant" personality but we all need a break.. his family are similar, his mum and brother go on and on and on. Any idea as to how to address this?

Yep I'm in that zone too! I don't think it's that he's interested though to be honest I think it's that he needs attention and someone to vent to constantly. Last time I tried to have a quiet bath he came in and tried to talk at me, he did actually pick up from my facial expression that I was stressed so I asked please could I just have a bath in peace, cue hurt look and dramatic exit from the bathroom. It's too much. He's very dramatic as well, all big adjectives and exaggerations.

My husband is exactly the same. I actually don’t think he realises he’s doing it.

On top of that he’s a big person and loud. He can’t physically whisper, I’ve tried to teach him. I’ll whisper a question to him if the kids are asleep for example and he’ll reply at his normal (loud) volume.

If I tell him he’s loud, I’m the bad guy. It’s hell.

My ex was like this. he also worked from home and couldn't stop talking when he visited me. Talked through tv programmes - constant explanations, questions, discussions. I became more introverted as I got older and found it impossible. We didn't break up because of it, but I did find him exhausting if I had to spend too much time with him!

Maybe she thinks she’s being interesting and that her chatter is appreciated. Have you pointed out to her that she really likes the sound of her own voice?

Another thing is when I come back into the room he says "hiya darl". I've literally only been out of the room for five minutes!

I've never read a post that I can relate to more than this!
I work in a really busy and noisy job. At home I just want peace and quiet.
My husband wfh since the pandemic and when I come home he just wants to speak, about anything! Not even conversations just noise. He also has the TV on for background noise and often music too. I just can't cope.
I too used to get up early, sit in the car when I got home, go to bed early.
We discussed it. He was lonely and bored, and I completely understand his point of view. And he realises now that I just need a mental break from time to time. Sometimes just going for a walk by myself.
And most importantly he left his job and is retraining in a job where he will be talking and interacting all day.

I feel like I've become more introverted as I've got older but on reflection I think I've just come to accept that being quiet and solitary is ok. When younger I felt obliged to perform socially and be "on" a lot of the time and now I put myself first a bit more and have quiet downtime to recharge. I do make an effort in company, I don't expect others to do all the social heavy lifting. One thing lockdown did do is stop the constant stream of visitors and "drop ins" to our house. I've put my foot down with this and said to DH that if he wants his loud, intrusive shout talking friends round it needs to be an equal split with him going to see them as well. Our house inadvertently got the reputation as the "party house" likely because of him!

Going against the grain here, I feel a bit sorry for the poor fella. Nobody in his house likes him, by the sound of it!

OP, if he drives you nuts, and you don’t even sleep together most of the time, may I ask what’s keeping you in the marriage?

I would suggest you have a serious conversation with him about your separate needs for social interaction and quietness. He needs to calculate how much he needs per day/week and really own it. Then implement it. If he’s craving noise and bustle and drama it’s ridiculous that he’s expecting all that from you.
A bit like having a broken leg and going to the cinema instead of the hospital.
Equally, he needs to really HEAR that you are not available as his venting, entertainment solution. You have different needs that are EQUALLY valid.
Sorry for the capitals, your description of him is making me want to shout.

@EveSix what a beautifully written and insightful post.

I think possibly you just need some space, in a nice way though- maybe a walk or reading a book or a new hobby would help you?Tbh to me he sounds great, I work and by the time I get home my dh is on a lot of work calls and then busy with other stuff and then I’m off to bed and I miss what you have.

A lot of this has kicked in sharply due to lockdown. The talking wasn't that much of an issue before and to b be honest I liked the fact he was sociable as it balanced out me being a bit more reserved. Re the sleeping together I don't think that's relevant, plenty of people sleep separately esp as they get older. I'm stupidly light sleeper and just need to be on my own.

Im pretty proactive with hobbies and similar, I go hiking, outdoor swimming, yoga, book group, bike rides. What I need, and never get is quiet calm space at home. The DC are older and more independent, but he's now taking up all the time and space with the noise and talking. I don't think an hour or so a day peace in my house is too much to ask.

EveSix
I am the partner of a fairly quiet, introverted person who can find chatty people very draining if not in the mood. He wouldn't use 10 words if 2 will suffice.

We've been together for 20 years.

I was always quite identified with my 'bubbly, animated' persona when I was younger, it was a convenient social lubricant and enabled me to have a busy social life and 'get on' at work. Definitely a 'vibrant' extroverted type like your DH.

I remember feeling as if my abundant sociability was wasted on DH, and as if he wasn't 'getting' what others could clearly see was this great gift and enhanced capacity for affability, entertaining and self expression. I felt he was a bit lacklustre and dull by comparison.
Gentle reflection from DH enabled me to explore my need for experiencing myself as 'outgoing' and always 'on'; no judgement, just an invitation to look at what fuelled this particular mode of self expression. It was definitely about the gratification of instant positive feedback a particular type of social engagement can bring, as well as feeling like it was my 'personality'. Realising that there is more to relating than constant 'expressing', that reciprocity does not have to look like animated agreement and that the quiet moments hold so much richness and, if desired, such potential for deeper connection with both my DH, friends, family, colleagues and not least myself, was a true gift. I can still decide to be bubbly and chatty in some contexts, of course, but it is not driven from a place of social reflex or a desire for a validation or affirmation of a social identity or idea of who I am. I now think of it as a life-skill which I apply when useful, but not just for the sake of it.

Invite your DH to really feel into what drives his need to be so 'out there' and to see what lies beneath. Ironically, in being so superficially engaged and responsive, he's missing out on you and what connecting with you in a 'quieter' way might look like. It'll take a lot of trust for him not to feel 'shut down' but he might really welcome the opportunity to step off the hamster wheel of incessant on it-ness and rest in what is always there.

This is great if you feel it works for you but I find it sad here that so many people feel it’s an annoyance or irritation to them that someone is chatty, outgoing or loud, and that there’s something wrong with it. Everyone is different and different pairings of couples click for different reasons. I find it sad that some people can’t be themselves and that people dismiss their observations as rubbish. The poster above that says they try to get off the phone from their exh and how their ds finds him irritating that he’s chatting. I find this so sad!

You have my sympathies as I work with someone just like this. Talks non stop (20min + easily) which in itself is annoying but neither do they listen. Or if they do, it is to find an opportunity to interrupt and talk over the top of you. Then have the cheek to ask 'was that what you were about to say?'

I have stopped been polite about it now. It does my head in. I wfh so able to go on mute & head into the kitchen to make a coffee etc..when the call is supposed to end I just hang up.Our manager knows this & still working on a strategy on how to handle.

My only suggestion is to walk off - they sometimes get the hint.

Are you married to Brian Blessed😁

This is so interesting because I've never really understood why I am exhausted by constant conversations and chit chat. I always put it down to feeling stressed, tired or preoccupied but as it's all the time I am probably just an introvert! Don't know if it's helpful but I'm very straightforward about it. I'll say I need quiet, I'll talk later, my head hurts with all the noise or whatever I'm feeling & my family get it and are not offended (I hope). I do try and dig deep for my six year old though. Deffo deserve (a large cash) prize as he fires questions at me all day. Anything from 'what are all the different colours cats can be?' to 'how many minutes does it take to get to Antarctica?'

I tell mine I'm half hour quiet time, he knows that's code for be quiet!

Oh dear ,my ds is like this ,he's only 8 ! I love him for it and its a family trait but it is wearing.
You and your husband sound like very different people now , you need to either have a big talk ( ironic) or make some big decisions

Instead of snapping at him and telling him to shut up, and asking him to leave the room with your facial expressions, why not talk to him when you're not feeling so murderous about what you need.
You're aleady getting 8hours ish alone time overnight so could you top and tail that with some morning yoga in your room, and some reading?
I'm not sure about your age but peri/menopause can send tolerance and irritation levels through the roof, no judgement, I've been there.
A sudden interest in running and a lockable woman cave at the end of the garden sounds like a plan!

@BellePeppa It feels like it!!

I have to go around closing windows when he’s discussing anything sensitive so that the neighbours don’t hear.

No volume control AT ALL.

Haha my husband is exactly like this and it can do my head in. He works on his own all day and will get in from work and just jibber jabber on endlessly. I'm an introvert and around people all day and all I want is peace and quiet in the evening. What's worse lately is that he's also started following me around when I'm pottering around the house...to continue the nattering.

What's helped with us is both having separate 'hobbies' that we do in the house in the evenings, I sew or study and he's 3D printing bits in his office. I also literally take myself off upstairs at about 9pm to bed to get some quiet.

Sounds daft but we also have firm jibber jabber time, when we're cooking dinner, eating dinner, driving anywhere or if we're out for the day somewhere....then he knows it's fair game and he can witter on as much as he wants. I can also just say to him that I need some quiet for a while and he does understand. It's mainly evenings though and we rub along well for the most part.

OP - are you peri menopause age by any chance ?
My DH became irritating at this stage. Even hearing him breathe made me want to stab him 🤣🤣🤣

This sounds so like me and my DH. I have really sensitive hearing and tinnitus and he insists on shouting (he says he's not shouting) sports news at me on a morning. I WFH and need to be able to concentrate and when he starts going on mid way through a calculation I can get snappy. He also has the TV so bloody loud.

He had changed jobs before the pandemic and ended up working from home too with only me to talk at. God knows how we didn't get divorced. He changed jobs again last year and now works in sales and it's the best thing that's ever happened to our relationship. He can go out to work and spend all day talking the hind leg off a donkey while I work in peace and quiet and by the time he gets home it's all out of his system!

Maybe one to suggest OP!

He really needs to change jobs to sales or something where he can talk alot and work in an office.
He probably be much happier.