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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH and the noise... Struggling to cope

110 replies

Courgeon · 01/08/2022 23:52

The thread title sounds a bit dramatic but I'm really beginning to find DH noisiness impossible to cope with. He never stops talking, mindless banal chatter constantly about whatever comes into his head. Since lockdown and WFH it's escalated to the point I feel like screaming. His job is very solitary and quiet, this does not suit him. Previous jobs were the opposite and he was less intense with the talking, the ranting, the overly detailed explanations.

He's an extrovert++. I'm more introverted but reasonably sociable but now I just can't stand it. Today for example he asked me to go for a walk with him ds (who's also quite quiet) asked about all the places he'd lived as we were walking. He proceeded to talk in intense detail about every single one for about 20 minutes until I had to interject and say something. I feel really rude but I end up snapping as he literally doesn't stop.

A song comes on in an advert and he'll start chuntering away, the cat comes in mewling and he starts miaowing back really loudly! His interpersonal world is now very small, no work colleagues as such and one very tight knit group of friends who he sees a lot but who are all very similar to him and then just me and DS and DD. They are pretty quiet too and sometimes snap at him esp when we're trying to chat normally and he demands we repeat whole sections of conversations as he feels he's not being included. I do wonder if we're all quiet as a way of coping with his intensity.

Other people think he's vibrant and funny which he can be but the constant noise is just getting too much. Esp as he's at home all the time. I work out of home mostly thank God but it means when I'm at home I'm never alone.

I try to make light of him being a "chatterbox" but it's getting to the point of us arguing as I'll end up snapping telling him to shut up. His need to recount everything in detail is almost a kind of mania. I don't want to affect his self esteem or make him change his naturally "exuberant" personality but we all need a break.. his family are similar, his mum and brother go on and on and on. Any idea as to how to address this?

OP posts:
limitededitionbarbie · 02/08/2022 00:01

He needs a more social job to get his energy out

limitededitionbarbie · 02/08/2022 00:02

My DH witters on as does my Dd. Drives me fucking mad at times.

notangelinajolie · 02/08/2022 00:08

No help but my sympathies- my adult DD is exactly the same. She never stops. It’s relentless and exhausting and makes me feel like the worst mum in the world for wishing she would shut up.
Interested to hear comments.

Cherchezlaspice · 02/08/2022 00:18

You tell him. ‘I’m not feeling chatty right now/I’d really just like a moment to myself/etc’

Communicate what you need to him before you feel the need to snap. Be consistent about it. Explain that you need regular quiet times and stop trying to make light of it.

I'm exactly like you (fairly sociable introvert) and some of my nearest and dearest would never shut up if they didn’t occasionally need to sleep. So, I explained what I needed.

EncantoAGAIN · 02/08/2022 00:30

Does he also cut you up a lot when you're talking?

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/08/2022 00:31

You just have to talk to him very honestly about what you need, and why.

Otherwise it will lead to the break up of your marriage for a very good reason.

Explain it in terms of introversion and extroversion - the need you have for quiet and space, as well as connection with him.

limitededitionbarbie · 02/08/2022 00:37

notangelinajolie · 02/08/2022 00:08

No help but my sympathies- my adult DD is exactly the same. She never stops. It’s relentless and exhausting and makes me feel like the worst mum in the world for wishing she would shut up.
Interested to hear comments.

I feel the same with my 9 years old. Witter witter all day. She probably getsit from me!

friendtodinosaurs · 02/08/2022 00:39

Oh god! OP I'm so sorry to hear this. Looking inwardly too as I think I may be very like your DH and didn't realise how it may negatively impact those around me...will watch these comments closely!

D0lphine · 02/08/2022 00:41

He just needs to get out more and do a chattier more sociable job. Can you suggest that.

D0lphine · 02/08/2022 00:42

Also wondering how 2 people who are so very different managed to live together get married have kids etc without realising how very different they are.

Personally I love chatty people because I don't have to fill the silence and can just "yep" my way through conversations (lazy!)

Nat6999 · 02/08/2022 01:46

My exh is like that, ds moans when he goes to see him that he never shuts up. On the rare occasions I have to speak to him what should be a 2 minute phone call can end up lasting an hour with him just prattling in about all kinds of rubbish. I end up making up any excuse to end the call.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2022 01:53

Fuck me. My anxiety went through the roof just reading that. Your husband clearly has nearly no social awareness. I completely sympathise with how frustrated you are, because I would go mad.

Forestgate · 02/08/2022 02:00

That would drive me absolutely insane

Sorry OP

Ilady · 02/08/2022 03:40

My feeling is that you and your husband are very different personalities. He needs to be in a job where he can meet people and talk to them and not working from home.
It just very hard for you because he needs chat and possibly to be involved a lot when you prefer quite and may not want people around you always.

At this stage I would say to him can you just leave me alone for the next 30 or 60 mins and go into another room. Say to him I just need a bit of time on my own after work each evening. She if you could get him involved with some night class, local group or organisation that would get him out of the house and a social outlet. Perhaps you could get involved in something that would get you out of the house for a few hours 1or 2 nights a week.

MsTSwift · 02/08/2022 04:03

My friends Dh is like this. Lovely chap but ultimate extrovert. Fortunately he has a very sociable job. She literally sends him out to the pub some evenings kindly but firmly with one of his numerous friends or acquaintances. I genuinely don’t think their marriage would survive if he had to wfh in a solitary role.

Charley50 · 02/08/2022 04:29

I have a sibling and a friend like this. Talking endlessly without stopping for replies, which is incredibly annoying and may be a sign of deep anxiety..

MiserableMillie · 02/08/2022 04:42

Oh god.

OP I‘ m massively extrovert and never shut up. I do have a job where I talk all day and meet many different people, so I have that outlet, but I would be really miserable if I didn’t. (I live alone and early lockdown was a massive struggle.)

Honestly I think you need to tell him. I grew up in a family of introverts who never shied away from telling me when I was being loud and annoying, so I think / hope I’m conscious of the fact not everyone wants to be sociable all the time, but I did need telling and I did grow up very aware of differing personalities.

Also, I’m delighted to say that, having waited 40 years for another extrovert in the family, my 8 year old nephew definitely takes after his auntie and we merrily dance around the living room together while everyone else takes shelter but… you need to talk to him about it.

i know I’d be like him if I didn’t talk all day for my job… I do think he needs another outlet but he might not be aware of that if you haven’t ‘fessed up about how you’re feeling about it.

good luck x

KnowButNeedU2TellMeAsItIs · 02/08/2022 04:50

Theres being extrovert and there’s being totally self absorbed. It would make me very unhappy to be around someone that selfish so when does he listen to you?

EveSix · 02/08/2022 04:53

I am the partner of a fairly quiet, introverted person who can find chatty people very draining if not in the mood. He wouldn't use 10 words if 2 will suffice.
We've been together for 20 years.
I was always quite identified with my 'bubbly, animated' persona when I was younger, it was a convenient social lubricant and enabled me to have a busy social life and 'get on' at work. Definitely a 'vibrant' extroverted type like your DH.
I remember feeling as if my abundant sociability was wasted on DH, and as if he wasn't 'getting' what others could clearly see was this great gift and enhanced capacity for affability, entertaining and self expression. I felt he was a bit lacklustre and dull by comparison.
Gentle reflection from DH enabled me to explore my need for experiencing myself as 'outgoing' and always 'on'; no judgement, just an invitation to look at what fuelled this particular mode of self expression. It was definitely about the gratification of instant positive feedback a particular type of social engagement can bring, as well as feeling like it was my 'personality'. Realising that there is more to relating than constant 'expressing', that reciprocity does not have to look like animated agreement and that the quiet moments hold so much richness and, if desired, such potential for deeper connection with both my DH, friends, family, colleagues and not least myself, was a true gift. I can still decide to be bubbly and chatty in some contexts, of course, but it is not driven from a place of social reflex or a desire for a validation or affirmation of a social identity or idea of who I am. I now think of it as a life-skill which I apply when useful, but not just for the sake of it.
Invite your DH to really feel into what drives his need to be so 'out there' and to see what lies beneath. Ironically, in being so superficially engaged and responsive, he's missing out on you and what connecting with you in a 'quieter' way might look like. It'll take a lot of trust for him not to feel 'shut down' but he might really welcome the opportunity to step off the hamster wheel of incessant on it-ness and rest in what is always there.

AllAboutMargot · 02/08/2022 04:56

I started a thread about my H's incessant talking at me quite recently. It drives me mad, his need to comment on everything I do and the constant babble. If I open a cupboard he says "what are you after?". I settle down with my laptop to write an important email and he starts talking about someone he's met today and all their business. I ask him politely to just be quiet while I'm concentrating but he just won't stop sometimes.

mathanxiety · 02/08/2022 04:59

The person I knew who was a loud, persistent, and crushing bore turned out to have some hearing loss and was masking his inability to follow conversations by preventing them - filling every moment with his own monologues.

Original poster
Courgeon · 02/08/2022 05:32

AllAboutMargot · 02/08/2022 04:56

I started a thread about my H's incessant talking at me quite recently. It drives me mad, his need to comment on everything I do and the constant babble. If I open a cupboard he says "what are you after?". I settle down with my laptop to write an important email and he starts talking about someone he's met today and all their business. I ask him politely to just be quiet while I'm concentrating but he just won't stop sometimes.

Yep this. Be WFH in the kitchen so everytime I go in there its "what you after?" Open my laptop "what you up to" etc etc. I can't stand it. I've told him I don't think the current job suits him and he needs to try think about looking for something more interactive (all this is a lot worse since lockdown) and have some empathy as to my position, ie the fact I'm constantly surrounded by noise and chatter and it's proving really stressful.

I've noticed my tolerance for noise has gone down generally, ie I get irritable if I'm near people talking on a train/public transport which I never even used to notice! If I friend comes round he commandeers the conversation and takes over/interrupts so I no longer have people round for a brew as it's yet more noise. I feel I've become quite boring and a bit crap at conversation so when I do see my friends I don't have much to say.

OP posts:
mocktail · 02/08/2022 05:36

friendtodinosaurs · 02/08/2022 00:39

Oh god! OP I'm so sorry to hear this. Looking inwardly too as I think I may be very like your DH and didn't realise how it may negatively impact those around me...will watch these comments closely!

I recognise myself in the description too. I think my mum and sister are probably the same too. Blush

Original poster
Courgeon · 02/08/2022 05:41

Ilady · 02/08/2022 03:40

My feeling is that you and your husband are very different personalities. He needs to be in a job where he can meet people and talk to them and not working from home.
It just very hard for you because he needs chat and possibly to be involved a lot when you prefer quite and may not want people around you always.

At this stage I would say to him can you just leave me alone for the next 30 or 60 mins and go into another room. Say to him I just need a bit of time on my own after work each evening. She if you could get him involved with some night class, local group or organisation that would get him out of the house and a social outlet. Perhaps you could get involved in something that would get you out of the house for a few hours 1or 2 nights a week.

I have actually suggested he join a choir or local amateur dramatic society! He can actually sing and he loves a bit of drama! I feel it would be a good outlet for him. I sleep separately 5 nights a week, mostly as a result of his snoring (more noise!) But also so I can slink off to bed early and have an hour on my own no interruptions. Best part of the day. I also get up pretty early for the same reason.

OP posts:
BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 02/08/2022 05:57

On the positive side of things at least he is interested and still wants to talk to you but i would suggest buying Noise cancelling headset which are great as can not hear a thing with them on. Good if he joins something so you get a bit of peace and quiet. Think as we get older not sure of your age but in peri now and hate noise and people around me all the time.