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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend says he's addicted to escorts

134 replies

Ineedhelp91 · 01/08/2022 18:49

So I met my current boyfriend of 3 years. not long after I had split up with my narcissistic ex of 13 years.

It was probably the first time I have been truly happy in years probably since I was
a teenager im now 31.

Anyway about a year in I discover that he had been cheating on me with escorts. I knew he had seen some before he met me. I discovered this by doing a simple Google search as he used the same username name he had used for a pof account. Anyway I found an account on an escort site which the escorts and clients leave reviews for each other and had seen that he cheated on me within the first 3 months of the relationship. He denied this at first and admitted it eventually. Probably about a month later i noticed he didnt delete his account and just changed the username and saw that he had webcamed an escort. Confronted him again and he told me he just has an addiction to porn. A few months
after that he suggested we tried swinging. I told him I wasn't interested in doing that, so he dropped it.
I found out he had done it again but claimed this was just a massage and nothing else happened I found out it was a massage with a happy ending confronted him and he admitted. Suggested to him
that I thought he might have a problem but he shrugged this off and said he found it hard to break the routine. I've broke up with him several times over this as it's absolutely devastating and he knew I was devastated and said he won't do it again. He even suggested that I became an escourt.

Anyway a couple if months ago we went on holiday and he was showing me something on his phone when an escort sent him a message saying im not free until Saturday or whatever he claimed that he had message her ages ago. So after the holiday I broke up with him. Be said he was going to get help. Eventually got back together with him. I moaned at him for not even looking to get help after being back from holiday for 2 weeks then he decided to look things up and took a test online which suggested he had an addiction to sex but still didn't contact anyone. We
recently went to a music festival together he left his phone unattended so I snooped and saw loads of naked photos of escorts that
he has seen , some new and some a few years old. But he also has a a couple of just normal face pictures. I confronted him about it and asked why he keeps them if he felt that guilty about cheating on me why would he want reminding of that time. He replied I guess there trophies" I asked him why he had face photos of a certain one as I thought it might have been his ex girlfriend as they had the same name. I was like is that your ex
he said " phw I'd never be able to pull someone like that she's good looking". I'm so angry and hurt I just can't cope he wants me to support him but does nothing to help himself. And to top it all off he told me a few days ago that when he masterbates he wears escorts bra and knickers which he had bought of them. He said he was a teenager when he felt like he should have been a women because of all the attention they get. He says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. I just think he's been taking me for a mug this whole time.

We live 45 minutes away from him I see him twice a week it was once until I moaned, he never makes the effort to come down my way but can travel all over for these escorts.
He puts me through hell and then has the audacity to ask me for help. Anyone going through anything similar to give me some advice?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 02/08/2022 15:34

Ineedhelp91 · 02/08/2022 15:19

He stated that the escorts make him happy due to making him feel like a top man

Lots of people were bullied at school. They don't have to demean women to feel briefly good about themselves. And it's not even working. Because he still feels bad about himself and uses these women repeatedly.

What both of you needs is proper counselling and a break from relationships.

Sandra1984 · 02/08/2022 15:37

The question you should be asking yourself is: why are you still with this creep?

CantaloupeMelon · 02/08/2022 16:21

Anyone who needs validation from escorts, rather than their loving partner, needs to do something about it, rather than thinking it's ok for him to use and hurt other people. He's contemptible.

Funkykitty · 02/08/2022 16:26

Ardvark111 · 01/08/2022 21:26

@MrsTerryPratchett where the hell do you get off calling me a rapist.? Fcuking no need for that

Did it ever occur to you, that some of the prostitutes you use have been trafficed and coersed into it by unscrupulous pumps? Therefore not actually consenting to sex with you.

Funkykitty · 02/08/2022 16:34

Ineedhelp91 · 01/08/2022 19:49

Unfortunately it is real I know im seriously messed up.

OP you need to get yourself some therapy to work on yourself. Its not your fault men have taken advantage of you. However you don’t have to let it continue. Just work on yourself and your self esteem. You are worth a million times more any of those men. There all creeps who will never amount to much.

BecauseICan22 · 02/08/2022 16:44

Never have I ever read something more confusing! The part where you knew he'd created the first time is where this should have ended.

You don't value yourself, why not? There is no way you should be tolerating any of this or wasting anymore of your precious time on this walking, talking wank stain excuse of a man. You are worth so, so much more.

Walk away, don't look back, get tested and then build yourself up. I'm stunned that you're still with him....

BecauseICan22 · 02/08/2022 16:46

Cheated

LEAVE THE BASTARD.

Googlecanthelpme · 02/08/2022 16:56

OP you need to end this, you need to get away from him to allow yourself to see this properly for what it is.

Stop letting men dictate your happiness.

If you want to you can, you don’t live together you don’t have any kids or ties - you can literally text him now and tell him it’s over and please never contact me again. Then block and delete him on every platform. It’ll hurt but it’d get better in no time.

this is not healthy, this is not love. It isn’t all you deserve and you don’t have to be part of it. It’s your choice

DarkComedy · 02/08/2022 17:03

On that subject, I was recently walking through Soho when a pimp came up and offered a good price, £130 for an hour. I was like, "How long do you think I last?😀"

easylisten · 02/08/2022 20:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

TisforTucan · 02/08/2022 20:38

He's not going to change, he doesn't respect you or your relationship and could be potentially putting your pysical health at risk.

I have a family member who's partner was like this for the whole 20 plus years of marriage, she knew about it, he didn't hide it and would tell her everything, walk around with his stds ( even gave the person some and she had to be checked for hiv as he declared he liked unprotected sex).

They went back so many times.. councilling, until he started bringing the escorts home when she was away having sex in their bed and doing drugs in the family home. Even then she wanted to go back when we all told her not to. This person is a shell of their former selves, it's destroyed her and she's had a very sad life of dealing with this and its destroyed her mental health.

You need to get rid.

balalake · 02/08/2022 21:00

End the relationship, now.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/08/2022 21:09

There, I've said it, let the games begin.

What's that saying about wresting a pig?

Buythebag40 · 02/08/2022 21:15

OP, I really hope you gather the self esteem - very soon - to dump this disgusting piece of shit's lowlife arse.

How you can let him even within arms length of you is beyond me, it really is. You deserve better - please tell yourself this over and over again until you start to believe it.

wellhelloitsme · 02/08/2022 21:16

Ardvark111 · 01/08/2022 21:26

@MrsTerryPratchett where the hell do you get off calling me a rapist.? Fcuking no need for that

Because you couldn't have known for sure whether the sex workers you paid to have sex with weren't trafficked, abused, addicts, coerced etc. Absolutely no way for you to know that with certainty.

But you were willing to run the risk.

It's disgusting. Truly.

Fucking vile.

Ineedhelp91 · 02/08/2022 21:31

Your all right thank you I am going to get rid and sort myself out properly

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 03/08/2022 00:00

Good for you. All the best!

SummerIsComingNowish · 03/08/2022 08:52

Pinkflipflop85 · 01/08/2022 18:53

Run for the fucking hills.

This!!!

ladygindiva · 03/08/2022 15:29

wellhelloitsme · 02/08/2022 21:16

Because you couldn't have known for sure whether the sex workers you paid to have sex with weren't trafficked, abused, addicts, coerced etc. Absolutely no way for you to know that with certainty.

But you were willing to run the risk.

It's disgusting. Truly.

Fucking vile.

Wellhelloitsme is correct in my view, totally agree. Fucking vile.

layladomino · 04/08/2022 19:48

I only read the title and I knew you needed to dump him.

He isn't 'addicted' to escorts. And even if he is - why would you stay around? I wouldn't be with an addict of any sort. Whether or not he can help it it is vile and damaging to you.

And if he honestly thinks it's an addiciton, I assume he's sought help for it so he can stop doing it?

You feel some sort of obligation to be there for this vile, selfish, offensive, self-centred, idiot who doesn't give a jot about you. He, on the other hand, doesn't care for you and is actively hurting you. WHy are you the one feeling bad? You deserve a million times more than this man is able or wants to give.

Dajeeling · 04/08/2022 20:14

What have I just read? Get some counseling please OP- his behaviour is outrageous but you are bizarre for even entertaining this once. Your self-esteem needs some real work.

Ineedhelp91 · 04/08/2022 20:37

Being treated like shit is all I've known in relationships I'm disgusted with myself for allowing this. I really am I will be hitting therapy HARD and won't even entertain the idea of another relationship ive had enough for a lifetime .

OP posts:
SuperCamp · 04/08/2022 20:44

OP, please, please do not be disgusted with yourself.

It is the behaviour of those who have abused and disrespected you that is disgusting. Their behaviour defines them, not you.

You will grow beyond this, and it is brilliant that you are getting the professional help that will help. Well done for starting this thread too.

I wish you the very best.

Popsicle33 · 04/08/2022 20:47

Tell him you're addicted to your self respect and allergic to cheating cunts who exploit women and reduce them to commodities.

Ardvark111 · 04/08/2022 20:56

@baileys6904 that’s convenient for you as a woman that you will ignore / overlook that other women choose this profession The escort I see has in 2 hours of work earned £250 in 1 night. She told me this herself. Whilst I realise other women are forced into it through no choice of there own. I also still resent being called a rapist by another poster. That’s quite a nasty. untrue allegation. My escort has not cried rape at any time. . So I’ll just put it down to her having limited intelligence

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