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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend says he's addicted to escorts

134 replies

Ineedhelp91 · 01/08/2022 18:49

So I met my current boyfriend of 3 years. not long after I had split up with my narcissistic ex of 13 years.

It was probably the first time I have been truly happy in years probably since I was
a teenager im now 31.

Anyway about a year in I discover that he had been cheating on me with escorts. I knew he had seen some before he met me. I discovered this by doing a simple Google search as he used the same username name he had used for a pof account. Anyway I found an account on an escort site which the escorts and clients leave reviews for each other and had seen that he cheated on me within the first 3 months of the relationship. He denied this at first and admitted it eventually. Probably about a month later i noticed he didnt delete his account and just changed the username and saw that he had webcamed an escort. Confronted him again and he told me he just has an addiction to porn. A few months
after that he suggested we tried swinging. I told him I wasn't interested in doing that, so he dropped it.
I found out he had done it again but claimed this was just a massage and nothing else happened I found out it was a massage with a happy ending confronted him and he admitted. Suggested to him
that I thought he might have a problem but he shrugged this off and said he found it hard to break the routine. I've broke up with him several times over this as it's absolutely devastating and he knew I was devastated and said he won't do it again. He even suggested that I became an escourt.

Anyway a couple if months ago we went on holiday and he was showing me something on his phone when an escort sent him a message saying im not free until Saturday or whatever he claimed that he had message her ages ago. So after the holiday I broke up with him. Be said he was going to get help. Eventually got back together with him. I moaned at him for not even looking to get help after being back from holiday for 2 weeks then he decided to look things up and took a test online which suggested he had an addiction to sex but still didn't contact anyone. We
recently went to a music festival together he left his phone unattended so I snooped and saw loads of naked photos of escorts that
he has seen , some new and some a few years old. But he also has a a couple of just normal face pictures. I confronted him about it and asked why he keeps them if he felt that guilty about cheating on me why would he want reminding of that time. He replied I guess there trophies" I asked him why he had face photos of a certain one as I thought it might have been his ex girlfriend as they had the same name. I was like is that your ex
he said " phw I'd never be able to pull someone like that she's good looking". I'm so angry and hurt I just can't cope he wants me to support him but does nothing to help himself. And to top it all off he told me a few days ago that when he masterbates he wears escorts bra and knickers which he had bought of them. He said he was a teenager when he felt like he should have been a women because of all the attention they get. He says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. I just think he's been taking me for a mug this whole time.

We live 45 minutes away from him I see him twice a week it was once until I moaned, he never makes the effort to come down my way but can travel all over for these escorts.
He puts me through hell and then has the audacity to ask me for help. Anyone going through anything similar to give me some advice?

OP posts:
orangeisthenewpuce · 01/08/2022 19:55

He's creepy and sleazy. Why have you even been with him this long. He's not addicted, he's just a sleazebag who likes spending his money on prostitutes.

NrlySp · 01/08/2022 19:57
  1. Block him
  2. take a look and participate in the freedom Programme. I really think you would benefit from it
Oblomov22 · 01/08/2022 19:58

I don't think you are in any fit state mentally to be having a relationship with anyone. This is not good. Abc the fact you can't see this, makes it worse. Please see your GP for support.

Randomthoughts992 · 01/08/2022 20:14

Then stop going back. just move on and block him from getting back in again for another round.

newnamethanks · 01/08/2022 20:20

He hasn't got a problem. You have. A big problem. Lose him immediately and leave him to his tribe of prostitutes. That's the way he likes it and you won't change it. Get out immediately, he is endangering your health in many ways.

StaunchMomma · 01/08/2022 20:35

How many times are you going to dump him for the same thing then take him back, OP?!

He doesn't have a 'problem', he's just a dirty bastard and he's not going to stop because he enjoys it he doesn't want to give it up.

Tell him to sod off & get yourself tested!

Flowersintheattic57 · 01/08/2022 20:37

Stick with your therapist for now and work on your issues and trauma. Give yourself time to grow strong and have better self esteem. Maybe do the freedom program so you get better at spotting the wrong ‘uns.
Ditch the deadbeat boyfriend.

Ardvark111 · 01/08/2022 20:54

Hi male pov. I used escorts when with long term gf at the time. He won’t stop tbh he is having his cake n eating it. As the saying goes.!!

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/08/2022 20:58

You're not weak, you have trauma. Don't go out with anyone until you've worked through that.

And @Ardvark111 Envy No one needs a male perspective thanks. Particularly not that of a rapist.

Rainbowqueeen · 01/08/2022 21:03

Block him. No contact going forward is the only way. If he comes to your house, refuse to let him in and call the police. Don’t accept him harassing you.

Yes to therapy. That’s a fantastic step for you. Well done. Also start finding other ways to fill your time that are healthy and support you in living your best life. Yoga, volunteering, exercise, study, meditation, new hobbies. You are not weak, you have a lot of learned behaviours that you need to unlearn. You are worthwhile and you got this. Best wishes

darlingdodo · 01/08/2022 21:08

If this is true what on earth are you thinking? He wants you to join him in his pathetic, nasty little proclivities . You don't have a relationship with him, you barely see him, he treats you with utter disrespect, he puts your health in danger. Just dump, block and spend some time building your confidence and self respect. You don't need a man, learn to love yourself.

coconotgrove · 01/08/2022 21:13

Once a punter, always a punter. He won’t change. Block him and move on with your life.

takeitandleaveit · 01/08/2022 21:21

Ineedhelp91 · 01/08/2022 19:33

I should have seeked help after my ex he done alot of damage I was 15 and groomed by a man 30 years older than my self. I hate being so weak

Oh sweetheart. You're not weak. You were a child who was deliberately targeted, groomed and abused by a paedophile. That's not being weak, that's being a victim.

Mistystar99 · 01/08/2022 21:22

Yep get rid!

KarlWrenbury · 01/08/2022 21:24

Op. Life doesn’t need to be this hard.

Ardvark111 · 01/08/2022 21:26

@MrsTerryPratchett where the hell do you get off calling me a rapist.? Fcuking no need for that

Ardvark111 · 01/08/2022 21:29

This reply has been deleted

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CandyLeBonBon · 01/08/2022 21:34

Ardvark111 · 01/08/2022 20:54

Hi male pov. I used escorts when with long term gf at the time. He won’t stop tbh he is having his cake n eating it. As the saying goes.!!

Not sure what you think you're adding here but I'd not be on a forum where women have been cheated on and abused, crowing about buying women's bodies.

Read the room dude.

CandyLeBonBon · 01/08/2022 21:34

Ardvark111 · 01/08/2022 21:26

@MrsTerryPratchett where the hell do you get off calling me a rapist.? Fcuking no need for that

If you have to buy consent, then it's not consent.

SuperCamp · 01/08/2022 21:37

His answer to you being upset about escorts (aka prostitutes / sex workers: why the euphemism?) was that you should become one?

OP I am really pleased you have some therapy booked. Don’t beat yourself up, just get support to rescue yourself.

ladygindiva · 01/08/2022 21:37

I'm not going through similar but you must dump this man. No question. And then have therapy to work out why you stayed with him this long.

Lochroy · 01/08/2022 21:38

My goodness. And what do you get out of this 'relationship'.

Please get rid of him. No one deserves to be spoken to or treated like you have been.

CandyLeBonBon · 01/08/2022 21:39

I just think he's been taking me for a mug this whole time.

Yes. Yes he has.

lamaze1 · 01/08/2022 21:43

You're not messed up. You've been treated badly so your boundaries aren't great. You can change this! You deserve better. You know this.

TokyoTen · 01/08/2022 22:03

Dump him. Go NC. Get tested. He will never change.

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