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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend says he's addicted to escorts

134 replies

Ineedhelp91 · 01/08/2022 18:49

So I met my current boyfriend of 3 years. not long after I had split up with my narcissistic ex of 13 years.

It was probably the first time I have been truly happy in years probably since I was
a teenager im now 31.

Anyway about a year in I discover that he had been cheating on me with escorts. I knew he had seen some before he met me. I discovered this by doing a simple Google search as he used the same username name he had used for a pof account. Anyway I found an account on an escort site which the escorts and clients leave reviews for each other and had seen that he cheated on me within the first 3 months of the relationship. He denied this at first and admitted it eventually. Probably about a month later i noticed he didnt delete his account and just changed the username and saw that he had webcamed an escort. Confronted him again and he told me he just has an addiction to porn. A few months
after that he suggested we tried swinging. I told him I wasn't interested in doing that, so he dropped it.
I found out he had done it again but claimed this was just a massage and nothing else happened I found out it was a massage with a happy ending confronted him and he admitted. Suggested to him
that I thought he might have a problem but he shrugged this off and said he found it hard to break the routine. I've broke up with him several times over this as it's absolutely devastating and he knew I was devastated and said he won't do it again. He even suggested that I became an escourt.

Anyway a couple if months ago we went on holiday and he was showing me something on his phone when an escort sent him a message saying im not free until Saturday or whatever he claimed that he had message her ages ago. So after the holiday I broke up with him. Be said he was going to get help. Eventually got back together with him. I moaned at him for not even looking to get help after being back from holiday for 2 weeks then he decided to look things up and took a test online which suggested he had an addiction to sex but still didn't contact anyone. We
recently went to a music festival together he left his phone unattended so I snooped and saw loads of naked photos of escorts that
he has seen , some new and some a few years old. But he also has a a couple of just normal face pictures. I confronted him about it and asked why he keeps them if he felt that guilty about cheating on me why would he want reminding of that time. He replied I guess there trophies" I asked him why he had face photos of a certain one as I thought it might have been his ex girlfriend as they had the same name. I was like is that your ex
he said " phw I'd never be able to pull someone like that she's good looking". I'm so angry and hurt I just can't cope he wants me to support him but does nothing to help himself. And to top it all off he told me a few days ago that when he masterbates he wears escorts bra and knickers which he had bought of them. He said he was a teenager when he felt like he should have been a women because of all the attention they get. He says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. I just think he's been taking me for a mug this whole time.

We live 45 minutes away from him I see him twice a week it was once until I moaned, he never makes the effort to come down my way but can travel all over for these escorts.
He puts me through hell and then has the audacity to ask me for help. Anyone going through anything similar to give me some advice?

OP posts:
lovesicksucker · 01/08/2022 19:15

What are you even asking us? Leave him now or live your life in misery, with the added bonus of an STI or two.

Whitehorsegirl · 01/08/2022 19:16

OP you really need to look at your dating history so far and spend time working out why you are ending up with men who treat you appalling.

It looks like you have pattern of putting up with dodgy men and that is just not healthy.

Dump this vile cheat, get yourself an STIs test and spend time working on your self-esteem before you go back into the dating game.

Gingermoth · 01/08/2022 19:17

Nook in for a full STI check, and leave the twat.

Notbeinfunnehbut · 01/08/2022 19:17

It doesn’t even really sound like a relationship tbh u see each other so rarely just dump him and move on

Letussee · 01/08/2022 19:18

Good luck OP! You will be so much happier without that utter twit. I hope you look after yourself

ScattyHattie · 01/08/2022 19:20

Dump him & look into getting some therapy to help yourself so can understand why your accepting this crap, when you feel it is a deal breaker and learn how to change so can avoid getting shit on by more people in future. He doesn't respect you and isn't even making much effort to hide his escort use, he will continue to see escorts because he wants to and you've shown he can get caught out and you'll stay with him.

It doesn't matter if it is sex addiction or just a fun hobby for him, your looking for an acceptable truth to make it ok to stay and try save him. He was happy to treat women as commodities on that very first visit which tells you all you need to know about his mindset and how he values women.

ladykatecatseyes · 01/08/2022 19:26

I personally know how easy it is to run back to a serial cheating boyfriend. Take my advice that dumping him was the best thing I'd ever done and only wish I done it sooner. Good luck x

Ihatethenewlook · 01/08/2022 19:27

CheshGirl · 01/08/2022 19:09

Get a bloody grip, if you put up with this you have yourself to blame

This. I can’t even begin to come up with a ‘nice’ comment when dealing with complete idiots. No ones going to be able to wave a magic wand and stop the op’s dp throwing his dick up prostitutes at every opportunity.

Aubree17 · 01/08/2022 19:30

Can you ever have peace of mind with this man?

It's hard to end things, but unfortunately I think it will be harder to stay in this relationship.

CantaloupeMelon · 01/08/2022 19:32

This relationship can't be salvaged OP.

Ineedhelp91 · 01/08/2022 19:33

I should have seeked help after my ex he done alot of damage I was 15 and groomed by a man 30 years older than my self. I hate being so weak

OP posts:
SlickShady · 01/08/2022 19:33

What's your question?

Whadda · 01/08/2022 19:33

See, you think you have a boyfriend when what you really have is a john who projects an air of respectability by having a girlfriend and appearing outwardly normal.

He’s using you so nobody suspects him of buying women’s bodies.

Penhaligon · 01/08/2022 19:35

He has absolutely no intention of stopping.
Please have higher expectations for yourself! You deserve so much more than this creep.

Unwavering721 · 01/08/2022 19:37

Wow. He has absolutely zero respect for you. That’s shocking he could treat you like that, and tbh I’m shocked you would allow it 😳

easylisten · 01/08/2022 19:37

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MmeMeursault · 01/08/2022 19:38

Sorry I read this far and didn't bother with the rest.

"So I met my current boyfriend of 3 years. not long after I had split up with my narcissistic ex of 13 years."

You really would benefit from working in yourself and your own boundaries before launching into any new relationship otherwise you'll end up in the same cycle again and again.

cockandball · 01/08/2022 19:42

Ditch him, he's dragging you down. Then you will feel lighter. Then you can start to work on yourself and positivity. Onwards and upwards gal!

Starlightstarbright1 · 01/08/2022 19:42

He doesn't care.. you need to dump and block..

You need to be single and work on yourself....

Summersdreaming · 01/08/2022 19:45

Wow every paragraph of that OP was worse than the last. You very casually mention him trying to prostitute you, and then drop cross dressing in at the end... you are either extremely messed up or on the wind up.. it's quite hard to believe anyone would stay with a guy like that

MadKittenWoman · 01/08/2022 19:46

If this is real, which I doubt, then get some self-respect and LTB,

Govesdancingpartner · 01/08/2022 19:49

WTAF why are you asking for advice
You are 31 surely you know this is not acceptable
Op LTB block him. A loving partner does not treat their partner like this.

Ineedhelp91 · 01/08/2022 19:49

Unfortunately it is real I know im seriously messed up.

OP posts:
Jewel7 · 01/08/2022 19:51

You said you had a narcissist ex before. There is a reason you are attracted to these kind of men. You need to understand yourself before getting involved with men.
He has major issues hence paying for sex etc. He isn’t respecting you or probably even himself.
I think the hardest relationships to walk away from are the ones where you are in love but there is a lack of respect. It hurts. But you can do it.

viques · 01/08/2022 19:52

Ineedhelp91 · 01/08/2022 19:14

Your all absolutely right. He needs to go. And I have no self worth or confidence and alot of other issues.I have an appointment with a therapist on Saturday.

Well done, and btw, stop putting yourself down, you have a lot more going for you than your last two boyfriends, one of whom got his rocks off by being an abusive narcissist and the second one who had so little confidence in his masculinity that he had to pay women to have sex with him! Do not judge yourself by their values. You are so far ahead of them in being a decent, caring ,valued human being - you are at the finish line while they are still in the starting blocks!