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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

married, but have feelings for married male friend :(

156 replies

notagreatsituation · 31/07/2022 22:57

I've been using mumsnet for nearly a decade at this point, but have had to sign up again as I don't post much and forgot my old account details. I'd appreciate people going easy on me here as I'm feeling bad, but I know what the internet in general can be like, so I'll try and brace myself. Would be grateful for advice either way.

The title sums it up. We're not really longstanding friends, less than 2 years. The attraction was (I strongly suspect) mutual initially, but it seems to have worn off for him - I expected it to dissipate for me as well, but unfortunately it's gone the other way and developed into something that feels more significant. I don't think he's remotely aware of this.

I need to extricate myself, but I can't figure out the best way to do it; if we were both single I'd just be honest, but we're not. We don't even see each other that much - our main contact is texting a few times a week, with occasional calls and much less frequent meets, but he would notice and question it if I suddenly pulled back: for the last year, there hasn't been a single full week that we've been out of contact, and my feeling is that I'd need significantly longer than a week of absolute zero communication to get past this.

Can anyone please help me decide what to do? Obviously I shouldn't have let it get this far in the first place, but here I am. He's been a good friend to me and has done nothing wrong, so I don't want to abruptly fade him out without explanation. Perhaps there are people could could pull it off without being too obvious/offensive, but I'm quite socially clumsy and not good at stuff like this.

Do I need to go with an extremely slow fade and just deal with the emotional stress in the meantime? That's the 'best' solution I can think of, but I really want to have space from this more immediately than that would allow. I've been putting off doing anything about it for months in the vague hope that it'll just resolve itself, but that clearly isn't going to happen, and it is affecting my mental health.

If anyone else has dealt with something similar, I'd find it helpful to know how it panned out, if you'd be willing to share.

OP posts:
AramintaLee · 31/07/2022 23:20

Honestly, as the friendship isn't that long and you don't see each other often... what do you really have to lose by just cutting him off now? That would be the end goal anyway wouldn't it? I say rip the band aid off and be done with it.

You can always message him and explain but I think that's opening a can of worms and maybe part of you would hope he'd be like "I have feelings for you too" which would then escalate into EA territory.

Block and be done with it, for both your sakes. Good luck!

brimfulofnamechange · 31/07/2022 23:27

Hmmm yes am currently dealing with a similar situation, but in my case my husband and I are both friends with the couple. We hang out/socialise as a four - I adore my female friend (and my own husband!) but unfortunately have a strong attraction to the husband…and I’ve been around long enough to know it’s mutual.

It has thrown me I’ll admit, and been frustrating…I’ve been married a long time and never felt quite so attracted to anyone else. HOWEVER, I’m not willing to throw a grenade into my life and act on it. I/we muddle along with it, and I try to avoid drinking/late nights around him etc, as it is too dangerous.

in all honesty, it takes up too much headspace, and if he was just an individual in my life (ie someone I worked with for example), I’d do my best to cut contact, as even if you are highly determined not to have an affair, it’s still painful. Good luck and stay strong xxx

Dery · 31/07/2022 23:30

“Honestly, as the friendship isn't that long and you don't see each other often... what do you really have to lose by just cutting him off now? That would be the end goal anyway wouldn't it? I say rip the band aid off and be done with it.”

This. You owe your DH more care and loyalty than you do to this man. Now is the time to prioritise your DH (even if your DH knows nothing about this).

Original poster
notagreatsituation · 01/08/2022 00:10

Thanks so much for the responses so far.

@AramintaLee and @Dery - to be honest, outright blocking would be a huge relief, but I've held back so far because I know I'd feel absolutely horrible if I was blocked by a friend with no explanation. He has a few stress factors in his life (don't we all...) and I really wouldn't want to add to them. I'd be interested to know if anyone else thinks this is the way to go?

@brimfulofnamechange ah sorry to hear you're dealing with similar - yes, it takes up a ridiculous amount of headspace, doesn't it? Best of luck with it all to you as well.

OP posts:
TillyTheTeddy · 01/08/2022 00:34

You said the attraction is wearing off for him so why is he still texting several times a week? Do your partners know you do this?

MissTrip82 · 01/08/2022 00:41

Do what you’d want your husband to do if the roles were reversed. Which I’m imagining isn’t ‘put more time and effort into protecting the feelings of the person you’re not married to than the person you are married to’.

No more phone calls. Leave the texts. It’s normal for a friendship to have quiet periods when you get busy. Let this be one of them, then don’t pick it back up again.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/08/2022 00:47

"After a lot of soul searching, I have come to realise that our friendship isn't healthy for me. Please know this is in no way because of something you have said or done. I wish you nothing but the very best."

Then block. Something along those lines, but you have got to stop communicating with this man before it damages your marriage. You are on a very slippery slope.

girlfrien · 01/08/2022 00:54

Stop texting etc, cut it out and it will get better in time. You will need to disengage though.

RelentlessForwardProgress · 01/08/2022 00:54

I'm not trying to be unkind but I think you might be kidding yourself a little bit here. Is it really that you don't want to cut off contact in case it injures his feelings/causes him stress?

Do you think it might be that the feelings it creates has a payoff for you? Have a think about that. Because I really can't see why you'd be playing with fire like this unless it was doing something for you. And you need to find more productive/less dangerous ways of 'escaping' the humdrum of the everyday, because you deserve to be happy in your marriage, and so does your husband. And all this mental energy is seeping out of you elsewhere at the moment.

Original poster
notagreatsituation · 01/08/2022 09:01

Thanks for all the additional replies, I'm finding this really helpful.

@TillyTheTeddy he's just texting as a friend, I really don't get the impression it's anything more than that. The conversations are relatively short and light. Our partners do know we're in touch.

@Aquamarine1029 I really like that message, but would it be obvious why I'm sending it?

@RelentlessForwardProgress It's always nice to some extent to see his name flash up on my phone, which is probably why I've let this go on for too long. But not wanting to hurt him is a huge motivation. I actually did some googling on how to end a friendship (lol), and a lot of comments/articles talk about how painful it is to be blocked or faded out when you don't understand why. I would never do it to someone normally. But you're right, the mental energy expenditure here is really not ok.

OP posts:
Marluuu · 01/08/2022 09:10

I agree that ghosting can be hurtful, I wouldn’t do that. I think I would send a message along the lines of PP, even if obvious what the reason is. Still seems to be the best option to me. Good luck!

TillyTheTeddy · 01/08/2022 09:32

Maybe you are overthinking all of this and he is replying out of politeness? Just drop it down - no need for dramatics.

newbiename · 01/08/2022 09:37

Stop texting him , he'll probably stop too. Or just don't answer immediately. Fade it out.
Don't tell him how you feel , too cringey all round.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 01/08/2022 09:39

Tell him you've developed feelings for him and for everyone's sake you're going to cut contact, then do it.

Adversity · 01/08/2022 09:44

How did you become friends? Through work or a chance meeting?

If you write anything down about any type of non friend feeling there is always the chance it can be found out so don’t do that.

Just let it fade.

TillyTheTeddy · 01/08/2022 09:44

How do you know his wife knows? Are the meets as couples or on your own? Do your spouses know about them?

Original poster
notagreatsituation · 01/08/2022 09:59

Thanks again all. Mixed responses. I'm taking it all in, it's definitely helping me process.

@TillyTheTeddy It's definitely entirely possible that he's maintaining things out of politeness (or habit) to an extent. We've met both on our own and as couples. I have no way of knowing if his wife is aware that we text and call each other, but nothing has suggested he's being secretive about it.

@Adversity We met through work, but it's unlikely we'll cross paths there again any time soon.

OP posts:
Eto · 01/08/2022 10:00

No advice, OP, but I’ve been wrestling with a similar situation since the spring, only he’s single (I’m married) and there’s no sign of attraction on his side — my sense is that he’s completely oblivious, as well as very busy with work, and dealing with a divorce and three children. Our lives are also much more entangled than yours. Our sons are friends, we help one another out with holiday childcare and lifts, and he and DH also work on projects together.

All I can do is keep my feelings to myself and wait till they pass.

Staynow · 01/08/2022 10:08

You could message him to say the friendship isn't working for you anymore or you could stop messaging him unless he messages you, and then only reply very briefly until he gets the message. It's pretty easy really.......but you've got to want to do it.

TillyTheTeddy · 01/08/2022 10:13

You could of course discuss this with your H? See what he suggests?

Jewel7 · 01/08/2022 10:23

Sometimes I think life can become a bit boring. And then your mind starts to wander. Maybe you need to look at your marriage and concentrate on that. Ease off with the other man…..

Chasingclouds100 · 01/08/2022 10:25

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 01/08/2022 09:39

Tell him you've developed feelings for him and for everyone's sake you're going to cut contact, then do it.

Exactly this

Original poster
notagreatsituation · 01/08/2022 10:38

Chasingclouds100 · 01/08/2022 10:25

Exactly this

Show quote history

Does this really seem like an option? I assumed everyone would be massively against it. It does seem like the most honest/straightforward way to do things.

OP posts:
Cheminaufaules · 01/08/2022 10:45

Being honest seems to be the noble thing to do but how do you think he would take this? Do you think it would embarrass him or make him feel awkward? Would choosing this option mean the end of the friendship of four? What if you tell him you've developed feelings and he then finds himself in the difficult position of telling his wife or not? Even if he's just a friendly guy, any wife hearing this news might well wonder if there is more to it than that.
If you are honest with him you will be creating heaps of problems.
Can't you just not text him? Only respond if he texts you and only respond as a friend?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 01/08/2022 10:46

Of course you should tell him. Ghosting would be shitty and continuing is out of the question.