married, but have feelings for married male friend :(

[notagreatsituation]

I've been using mumsnet for nearly a decade at this point, but have had to sign up again as I don't post much and forgot my old account details. I'd appreciate people going easy on me here as I'm feeling bad, but I know what the internet in general can be like, so I'll try and brace myself. Would be grateful for advice either way.

The title sums it up. We're not really longstanding friends, less than 2 years. The attraction was (I strongly suspect) mutual initially, but it seems to have worn off for him - I expected it to dissipate for me as well, but unfortunately it's gone the other way and developed into something that feels more significant. I don't think he's remotely aware of this.

I need to extricate myself, but I can't figure out the best way to do it; if we were both single I'd just be honest, but we're not. We don't even see each other that much - our main contact is texting a few times a week, with occasional calls and much less frequent meets, but he would notice and question it if I suddenly pulled back: for the last year, there hasn't been a single full week that we've been out of contact, and my feeling is that I'd need significantly longer than a week of absolute zero communication to get past this.

Can anyone please help me decide what to do? Obviously I shouldn't have let it get this far in the first place, but here I am. He's been a good friend to me and has done nothing wrong, so I don't want to abruptly fade him out without explanation. Perhaps there are people could could pull it off without being too obvious/offensive, but I'm quite socially clumsy and not good at stuff like this.

Do I need to go with an extremely slow fade and just deal with the emotional stress in the meantime? That's the 'best' solution I can think of, but I really want to have space from this more immediately than that would allow. I've been putting off doing anything about it for months in the vague hope that it'll just resolve itself, but that clearly isn't going to happen, and it is affecting my mental health.

If anyone else has dealt with something similar, I'd find it helpful to know how it panned out, if you'd be willing to share.

@notagreatsituation

I had just split with my child's father and I went off the rails. I was dating and met several guys online. I met this male friend and wasn't exactly into him much. I must of been seeing someone else so turned him down. After wasting my time of some idiots I went back to talk to him but he said sorry getting married. Not sure what I was looking for as didn't fancy him.
Then bumped into him and thought I know that guy it's him off so and so. Then he didn't seem happy when he said hi and I said didn't you get married. Then he came to my flat bug had said he was separated. We kissed, danced and he wanted to go further I said no. I was upset to realize he still with his wife. He had a call had to leave. I wasn't happy cut him off.
Years later he message me he was at this even he knew I would be there. I met him and was going round the event thought not feeling this went back to family house. Next year same happened I was dating someone.
This was 2018 and I am like at this point what's with this guy he won't leave me alone. Then 2020 received a text message this how he communicated with me. We spoke about Covid and he actually remembered so much about me. Never ever have I met a guy to pay so attention to everything about me. I was shocked had forgotten so much about him. Then we grew closer after adding him to one of my social media sites. I grew closer to him through conversations and he did say we are friends so that's what I went with. We spoke about our partners and our children. Then he would say stuff which made me think he still after me. Then I stupidly told him where I worked and he would come in and say hi and that put me on edge.
I must admit I started to like him more and more than friends. I was having problems in current and yes did tell him my issues. He knows a lot more than my female friends.
Then because of my feelings for him I had to meet up and ask if he still wanted to sleep with me. I had to ask even though I had those feelings myself. He said no we are friends and asked about why you show up here and there then.
Your my friend and he said yes I do flirt that's it. Because he did back off through conversations and it was me messaging him first when it was normally me.
I am married and he married so I have been so confused. But I just distance myself and sometimes stopped contacting him first and realized maybe we are just friends.
I think he realized I totally backed off from him and he realized and does message to see how I am doing.
Then I was going through stressful situation and caved in and contacted him and told him my worries.
I feel like there could be more between us than friends but we can't. I know he loves his wife and I love my husband..
For me never had a male friend or anyone like him before.
Always there when I need to talk to him. I think after that talk he know maybe I like him more than friends. He said we have a connection because we are similar so trying to go with that. It's very hard not easy when he on my mind all the time.
I think distance myself when I personally feel weak is best. Contact by this site best only and leave him be.
He is always there for me and says I can talk to him anytime.

I hope your situation resolved it's not easy at all.

I do agree with op's in that you are trying to come across as innocent, when in fact your real motives are very predatory.

You want him to state his feelings, his intentions, his desires before time dictates the friendship ends. This was never a friendship, I don't know why his wife and your husband know that you both communicate, I should imagine it is some shared project that will naturally end, henceforth your need to find answers pretty quickly.

You know this 'friendship" will have to die out as there will be no more excuses for communication, at present you have been fooling others and more importantly yourself that you have not been chasing him.

It sounds as though your dreams of him declaring undying love not have not come to fruition and your dissapointment is tangible.

Let him down, if that's what you want to call it, he's probably just been kind to you because of work and your ego has run away with you. It's not nice to realise you are not important but to be fair your thoughts regarding his wife and your husband have been absent, you have only thought of yourself.

Stop trying to play the victim and own your actions.

@PiecesofFive My husband knows I communicate with him because he's a friend, and we communicate as friends. "How's your week been?" "Look at this picture" "Did you hear about XYZ at work?" - that kind of thing, nothing underhand. I imagine it's the same situation with him and his wife.
I really don't understand where this accusation of playing innocent is coming from. Is it something specific I've said, or just the way I come across as a whole?

@WhyI That sounds really complicated - thanks for sharing, it's helpful to hear about other people's experiences. I hope your situation is resolved too.

@Kharybdis All input appreciated. "You have a player on your hands" - what makes you say this?

Oh my God, seriously woman! The communication you have with this man looks very different within the context of you being attracted to him. There’s a reason you haven’t told your H about your feelings for this man and that’s so you can continue doing what your doing in plain sight.

”Slow fade” my arse, you pull away just enough to trigger the chase reflex in him, thus making the ‘slow fade ‘ a cynical attempt to get him off the fence and into your arms.. Urgh, the level of contempt on display towards your H and his wife is staggering.

I do hope you you end up with this guy because your H and his wife deserve better.

@AgentJohnson I was mainly responding to the other poster, who thought there must be some sort of time-dependent pretext for our communication. There isn't, it's all just open-ended. Obviously the texting isn't good but that's why I came on here for advice in the first place. Is there a part of me that would be bothered if I pulled away and he didn't notice? Yes (same as with any friend, but unfortunately amplified in this situation, as much as it shouldn't be) but I didn't expect that to be the case in the first place. The term 'chase reflex,' though, implies some sort of romantic feeling on his part, which I genuinely don't think he has.
I really am trying to fade him out. I haven't done a great job so far, but this thread has re-focused me and I'll make less of a hash of it from this point onwards. I do probably need to drop the 'slow' part.

Oh I think there is a rush, you sound impatient and want results, but definitely don't want this to end, it's just escalating.

Your poor husband, 'he's disrespectful of you', you're having a laugh arn't you.
What's the real plan then, to discard the husband and use this poor woman's husband to act as chaperone or knight in shining armour to ease you through the separation.

Cool.

I find you devious and highly manipulative.
I should imagine the wife will be on to you soon, if not already.

As I said predatory, a wolf in sheeps clothing.

You are addicted to this and the drama of it and by posting this you get to talk about him even more which you love as you are unable to discuss this with your partner.

@notagreatsituation

Haven't really slept as I wasn't feeling too good. My DP is working away and he quite busy.

So today feeling overtired and emotional message this male friend. I asked what he doing. He said they were taking their boy out somewhere.
Then I said have a good day.

If my Dp thought of me when away or payed attention to me like this male friend wouldn't feel like this.

I do know we are just friends apart of all this is having issues in my current relationship. Like you another thread.

I can't trust my own feelings because think they are not love. I don't really want this male friend like that. But our history had confused me what he wanted he made it perfectly clear now what we are and just friends.

Why do you like talking to him so much?

One of the things I first noticed about him is how caring and respectful he is of her.
Ah! You want that for yourself @notagreatsituation . How sad for you.

If you and your dh don't fulfil each other's needs and aren't a good match, it's best to leave your relationship, do some therapy to help you be more realistic and and become a nicer person, and then maybe try online dating.

One of the things I first noticed about him is how caring and respectful he is of her.

Now why would you want to come between that ? Why would you want to destroy what they have.

“Then because of my feelings for him I had to meet up and ask if he still wanted to sleep with me. I had to ask even though I had those feelings myself. He said no we are friends”

You offered to sleep with a married man with a kid? 🤢

@Beefcurtains79

I actually met up to see what was going on between us.
If he was still after me for that. He like no we friends. Do I believe he still would f me if he could. Yes I do.
There's a lot been said that made weary of him.

I actually posted for the OP to share my experience. I don't want to take over her thread.

@notagreatsituation

How is everything going?

I actually feel better and with all this confusion realized it's just a friendship. He is more open about his wife and son.

I think I just rely on him to much. He got his own family and he very understanding. Whatever happened in the past we have to move.

Come back for an update don't take no notice of negative people.

Hi @WhyI , glad you're feeling better! It sounds like maybe this can be just a normal friendship for you, which is great.

I'm feeling quite a lot clearer on things as well, which I think has been down to the reduced contact. I'm still not really sure how to drop down completely to nothing without causing offence, but I at least feel like it's definitely the right path. I don't think I can actually have a friendship with this person unfortunately.

The negative comments on here haven't bothered me so far ;) Overall I've found this thread extremely useful, not sure I'd actually be following through on the fading out without it.

@notagreatsituation

Just do what is best for you. It's really hard but sometimes you have to let people go.

It will be hard but get easier over time.

I do think whatever it was between us although not entirely 100% sure. It fizzled out and just a friendship. I am never good with males and I could of been reading too much into it. If anything will have to let him go and slowly distance myself from him. No contact.

I am glad your okay.

@notagreatsituation

Male friends I meant and never had this before.

@WhyI In all fairness, the remembering details about you, coming to your workplace etc all sounds very easy to read into! Especially after he went to your flat. I'd have been pretty confused in your position I think. It sounds like he's stopped sending mixed signals at least.

In my case he takes things personally quite easily, unfortunately, so I really feel like I need to be careful.

@notagreatsituation

In my case he takes things personally quite easily, unfortunately, so I really feel like I need to be careful.

That doesn't sound good at all.

It's like he seemed a bit interested in my my OH and I sex life. He would make some jokes that's why I thought is he jealous.
Once I met him outside where I work and he really gave me good advice suppose he knows too much. I could tell him standing there he meant every word he said. He actually was sticking up for my OH as he seemed to know the situation and hard it is.
He totally backed off communicating with me each day. It fizzled out on this site and I missed the conversation. I became to drawn in. I did only run to him when I had issues too. Think he picked up on that. I don't want to lose our friendship by saying something stupid.
This weekend he going to the same event apparently his wife and son away. He said he will be there all weekend. This when I would get a text each year if hadn't spoke in ages.I can't go with him in this event as I am pregnant and think he going with friends.
He knows where my family lives to.
When I decided a little while back let me back off he then started messaging how are you.
This really not something I am use too.
We are alike maybe that's why we click.

It will work itself out in time.

Why would you be worried about offending him? The excuses you are making are cringeworthy. Maybe worry about the offence his wife will undoubtedly take when she realises you are pursuing her husband and trying to break up her home.

I'm perplexed as to why this man's wife couldn't have been brought into the friendship.

In fairness — though it’s fairly obvious why not in the OP’s case! — I have friends of both sexes whose partners or spouses I either don’t know or don’t much like. I certainly wouldn’t automatically become friends with a friend’s OH unless I was genuinely drawn to them, and I absolutely wouldn’t become friends with a male friend’s wife to ‘prove’ my intentions weren’t sexual.

The one time I had feelings for a married friend, his wife was a good friend of mine too, and (looking back) was aware he had feelings for me. ( I was oblivious at the time). Fortunately she was a wise woman who trusted both of us to behave honourably, neither of us spoke a word about it, and it died down naturally by itself.

@Penseuse "In fairness — though it’s fairly obvious why not in the OP’s case! ..."
Honestly, why is it obvious? There are a few posters on this thread who seem absolutely certain that I'm actually chasing this person and that all my actions are motivated by that, but my reasoning here is largely the same as you've described: because I don't know her as well and we don't have as much in common. We have met on a fair few occasions as couples, so it's not that she hasn't been 'brought in', but you can't just conjure a friendship from thin air based on getting along with someone's spouse.

OP ... I hope you don't mind me saying this. To me it seems like it's been almost a month and you're no further on.

You're fuelling it with this thread and i think you're dancing around wanting to tell him in the hope he'll respond in the same vein, but if he did you wouldn't be really happy.

The thing is, you seriously need to tackle the problems in your marriage. Ironically I'd bet anything that the feelings for the friend would fade if you were out of it.