married, but have feelings for married male friend :(

[notagreatsituation]

I've been using mumsnet for nearly a decade at this point, but have had to sign up again as I don't post much and forgot my old account details. I'd appreciate people going easy on me here as I'm feeling bad, but I know what the internet in general can be like, so I'll try and brace myself. Would be grateful for advice either way.

The title sums it up. We're not really longstanding friends, less than 2 years. The attraction was (I strongly suspect) mutual initially, but it seems to have worn off for him - I expected it to dissipate for me as well, but unfortunately it's gone the other way and developed into something that feels more significant. I don't think he's remotely aware of this.

I need to extricate myself, but I can't figure out the best way to do it; if we were both single I'd just be honest, but we're not. We don't even see each other that much - our main contact is texting a few times a week, with occasional calls and much less frequent meets, but he would notice and question it if I suddenly pulled back: for the last year, there hasn't been a single full week that we've been out of contact, and my feeling is that I'd need significantly longer than a week of absolute zero communication to get past this.

Can anyone please help me decide what to do? Obviously I shouldn't have let it get this far in the first place, but here I am. He's been a good friend to me and has done nothing wrong, so I don't want to abruptly fade him out without explanation. Perhaps there are people could could pull it off without being too obvious/offensive, but I'm quite socially clumsy and not good at stuff like this.

Do I need to go with an extremely slow fade and just deal with the emotional stress in the meantime? That's the 'best' solution I can think of, but I really want to have space from this more immediately than that would allow. I've been putting off doing anything about it for months in the vague hope that it'll just resolve itself, but that clearly isn't going to happen, and it is affecting my mental health.

If anyone else has dealt with something similar, I'd find it helpful to know how it panned out, if you'd be willing to share.

Don’t text! Addictive behaviour needs these hurdles to be leapt over when they come up. You’ll feel better short term, but much worse long term. Go for a run, listen to a podcast cook a meal. Don’t text!

I think it's the kindest and most clear cut way. Obv there's a risk he'll declare feelings back and you'll be firmly into should we have an affair territory

@mosex yeah that's how I feel, potential for a nice friendship and I'm just fucking it all up, slow clap.

@WarnerSisters thank you, it really does feel like an addiction.

As someone in a similar situation, I would definitely not message him. There are no wins — either (a) he doesn’t reciprocate your feelings and either pities you or is mortified and possibly cross you’ve put him in this position, losing you the friendship and also possibly his wife’s, or (b) he doesn’t reciprocate your feelings but is egotistically up for some no-strings-attached sex which wrecks your head and potentially your marriages, or (c) he does reciprocate your feelings, declares his love, you have a full-blown affair and end both your marriages to be together — think about that last one. Is that really what you want? Or is it more one of the things that came up repeatedly in the current ‘secret confessions’ bread, a desire for a few hours with someone which would magically have no impact on the rest of your life or his?

How are you doing OP?

Hey, thanks for asking. I haven't texted him. But (I'm going to be completely honest here because it's anonymous) here's some of the stuff I have done:

• Impulsively deleted every single file he's ever sent me off my phone - pictures, gifs, videos, the lot.
• Sat for a full 10 minutes staring at the word 'online' under his name on our chat, wishing it would change to 'typing'.
• Wondered at length if it was a woman he was talking to and, if so, if he likes her more than me.
• Wondered at length why he lost his attraction towards me and if I did something specifically to turn him off.
• Deleted the chat altogether and deleted him as a contact from my phone.

So yeah, doing pretty fucking pathetically. This is why I need to be zero contact as quickly as possible. What the fuck is wrong with me.

@Eto I'm under absolutely zero illusions that he would leave his wife anyway tbh. One of the things I first noticed about him is how caring and respectful he is of her.

is it possible to change how you think about him?
can you think of him just as a good friend who you cant think of as a lover/partner?

I think all this maybe is borne from a lack of hobbies or interests to occupy you? So when you're upset with DH, and your friends are busy, you should have a productive outlet to cheer you up. Doing an activity you love or a hobby you're passionate about. Learning something, experiencing something, exploring something. If your happiness relies on this man then you're not living life on your terms. And if not him, sooner or later it will be another man. I suspect it's the validation and attention you get from him that you don't feel from DH that is addictive.

Now imagine if you could get validation and joy from achieving something on your own. Maybe learning a new skill or running a race or volunteering, joining a social
club or travelling - whatever time and money allows. Something that will show you life isn't just about your DH and this man, it's about you and what you want/like/enjoy/care about. Do that and you'll realise you don't need him as much as you think.

In the meantime do cut contact. Throw yourself into revamping your life. And how you can either improve or leave your marriage. He's just a distraction.

Wondered at length if it was a woman he was talking to and, if so, if he likes her more than me.

I just noticed this. Isn't he married?? Why would you assume he's chatting to another woman (and not a male friend) - does he have form for messaging new women he's met so regularly? Seems a bit weird for a married man to only get friendly with women or weird you think he does and still like him.

By interacting with you like this and you seem to think other women?

Definitely not assuming it was a woman. I know it's unhealthy, but I've heard he's getting along really well with a new colleague and it's made me stupidly jealous. It's these kinds of intrusive, irrational feelings that have made me decide I need to cut things off.
Thank you for your other post as well, I think you're right, it's just there's nothing I'm particularly passionate about. I wouldn't know what to get into.

Do you think maybe you could talk to your husband about marriage counselling? It sounds like you need some. Do you have children?

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How are you doing Op?

I know you said you didn’t want to discuss your marriage here as it is not the problem at hand, but it clearly is, and this obsession with your male friend is just a symptom of that. Perhaps try to fix whatever is wrong with your marriage (even if that means leaving) and you might find this other issue goes away.

sounds like your competitive streak is coming out in you, vying for attention over a suspected new colleague.

Just step back and stop humiliating yourself by being beggy.

You don't need him.

Many moons ago I was in this position.
Just cut him out, it's hard but constant contact is just feeding the beast.

Hi @mosex , things are heading in the right direction but aren't exactly resolved. He did notice that we were talking less and started to compensate by texting more etc, which I stupidly reciprocated at one point because I felt guilty (he ended up disclosing some stuff about personal issues he's had) and also missed him. But the goal is still to fade out. I definitely feel more clear-headed about things now.
How are things going with your friend?

@PiecesofFive Yeah, the beggy feeling is not a good vibe. I haven't liked myself much throughout this.

You know what you should have done and what you now should be doing. The fact that you are making excuses for not having done or doing it, says all you need to know about this ‘friendship’. Tell him you are going to focus on your relationship and you can’t if you maintain contact with him and then block.

Most affairs start with people giving themselves permission to cross boundaries incrementally. You have been foolish, stop making excuses to continue being foolish.

Please stop without discussing too much, I wish I had. It's not respectful to the other partners involved and it's so much harder if you let it go on.

Did he mention you were talking less?

Could you not bring his wife into your conversations and start texting her instead of (or, as well as) this man?

You mentioned that ordinarily you would text this man about your relationship problems? Do you think it might be better to text another woman instead?

I hope you don’t mind my adding to the comments OP.

Do not tell him how you feel, just stop communicating. If you tell him you are attracted to him it will not end well (at least for your husband).

You have been texting several times a week to a man you find (very) attractive. Even if the texts are completely innocent how do you think your husband would feel if he knew (don’t tell him)? I think you might also be a little confused as to how men in general feel about friendships with women. I’m afraid most men do not have purely platonic feelings for their female friends. If he knows you are married he is behaving badly in texting so frequently, so I would not feel bad about stopping contact without explanation. He may try and hoover you back in but bear in mind his motives are questionable at best.

sorry I have only just read your post this morning. You have a player on your hands(or at least a trainee). If you value your marriage and peace of mind just stop communicating with him and block.