married, but have feelings for married male friend :(

[notagreatsituation]

I've been using mumsnet for nearly a decade at this point, but have had to sign up again as I don't post much and forgot my old account details. I'd appreciate people going easy on me here as I'm feeling bad, but I know what the internet in general can be like, so I'll try and brace myself. Would be grateful for advice either way.

The title sums it up. We're not really longstanding friends, less than 2 years. The attraction was (I strongly suspect) mutual initially, but it seems to have worn off for him - I expected it to dissipate for me as well, but unfortunately it's gone the other way and developed into something that feels more significant. I don't think he's remotely aware of this.

I need to extricate myself, but I can't figure out the best way to do it; if we were both single I'd just be honest, but we're not. We don't even see each other that much - our main contact is texting a few times a week, with occasional calls and much less frequent meets, but he would notice and question it if I suddenly pulled back: for the last year, there hasn't been a single full week that we've been out of contact, and my feeling is that I'd need significantly longer than a week of absolute zero communication to get past this.

Can anyone please help me decide what to do? Obviously I shouldn't have let it get this far in the first place, but here I am. He's been a good friend to me and has done nothing wrong, so I don't want to abruptly fade him out without explanation. Perhaps there are people could could pull it off without being too obvious/offensive, but I'm quite socially clumsy and not good at stuff like this.

Do I need to go with an extremely slow fade and just deal with the emotional stress in the meantime? That's the 'best' solution I can think of, but I really want to have space from this more immediately than that would allow. I've been putting off doing anything about it for months in the vague hope that it'll just resolve itself, but that clearly isn't going to happen, and it is affecting my mental health.

If anyone else has dealt with something similar, I'd find it helpful to know how it panned out, if you'd be willing to share.

But are you happy in your marriage? Does that need working on?
I'm wondering if there's a reason you're so attracted to someone else and it's highlighting something lacking in your life.

Affairs are never a solution. I don't agree with blocking your feelings and pretending this isn't happening though. Use this experience to work out of your marriage needs help.

There is little mention of the man's wife in all this. It's like the wife is a bit player.
That is intriguing.

I definitely don't consider his wife a bit player (or my husband). I've just been wanting to focus on the reason I posted the thread, which is figuring out the best way to exit the whole situation.

I'm advocating awareness. Now you're aware.
I'm aware, of the dynamics of attraction and have been since the age of 11.
I do not misunderstand you at all.
You're just in denial, minimizing.

Just posting as I'm tempted to text so I'm doing this instead. I think maybe there's been an addictive element to it, dopamine cycle or whatever (not a scientist). Some posters have suggested maybe I've just been bored, and I think there's probably truth in that.

Don’t tell him. He’ll tell his wife who will quite rightly be furious with you for your attempted homewrecking, and she might well, and justifiably imo, forward that message to your husband.
The whole ‘Oh, he’ll be so gutted if I ghost him’ line is ridiculous, it’s just an excuse.
Just fade him out, stop giving yourself so much false importance in his life.

I agree, not going to tell him.
It's not that I think he'll be gutted to not have me in his life, it's that I think the act of ghosting is in itself hurtful. I think fading out will be easier than I initially thought though so I'm going with that.

No need for drama.

Just take longer and longer to reply. He'll probably do the same.

A man with a partner who you say you're pretty certain has no feelings for you is extremely unlikely to say anything about it if done gradually over time (or at all).

And there def is a dopamine element to this sort of thing.

Clearly we’re very different people. Your idea of ‘awareness’ is very different to my own, which has served me well for thirty odd years of opposite-sex adult friendships. I’m of course aware that men and women, even attached, committed ones, can find one another attractive. This has never caused the remotest concern in any of my longtime friendships with ample opportunity for illicit sex, eg holidays, lots of time alone. The friendship that is causing me internal discomfort has (partly because of Covid) been conducted entirely in the company of other people, with no solo messaging, calls or encounters. and would not have raised the eyebrow of a Victorian aunt. ‘Awareness’ is irrelevant. I’ve done nothing to cause or encourage it. Neither has he. I assume it will pass in time.

Just had an argument with my husband in which he made his lack of respect for me hugely apparent. I don't want to focus on my marriage as it's complex and not something that can be fixed by an online forum but this is the kind of situation where I'd normally text my friend, and I really want to. Feeling low.

Not that I'd tell my friend about the argument. I never talk about that stuff with him. I'd just text him for a bit of distraction.

There you have your answer.

Yeah. I've been aware from the start that this has come about partly because of issues with my marriage. It's just there's not much I can do about those issues.

‘Awareness’ is irrelevant. I’ve done nothing to cause or encourage it. Neither has he. I assume it will pass in time.

I don't think you understand what I mean by awareness. I didn't say you encouraged, it either.

If anyone's about I could do with being told that texting him is still a bad idea. None of my other friends are reliable/quick at texting back, and I don't work during the school holidays so that social contact has dropped off too. Honestly not feeling great.

STOP!

Talk to me instead

@mosex thank you. I was feeling pretty positive about the whole fading out plan but this argument has set me back. Hopefully just temporarily. How are things going with you?

Your thread has messed with my head a bit to be honest! Really made me think about my own situation and face up to it a bit.
I will say, in case it helps, that this happened to me before and I became quite obsessed with my crush, it was very difficult. I did distance myself (much easier than this time for me) and now I look at her and wonder what on earth I'd been thinking! No feelings whatsoever other than friendship

Also having a bit of a rough patch with my DH

It sounds like you need a distraction. He's always available, as is my crush. Always replies really quickly.

Argh op. I'm sorry to hear about your husband and it makes sense why you have a crush on this man.

But it is a bad idea because the issue is your husband. It probably isn't about your friend. If you were single or happy in your relationship you wouldn't consider a married person when there are plenty of single people available.

It is also safe because you know that nothing will come of it as he's married. So you are focusing on the wrong thing.

Complicated or not you need to fix your marriage or arrange to split.

Otherwise you will be the bad guy.

It will be your fault and not your husband's behaviour.

Yes the other thing therapist said was that I'd chosen her because she was unobtainable

@mosex Do you remember what the time frame was for losing your obsession with the other person once you'd distanced yourself?
Having issues with my actual relationship really isn't helping. Makes me feel stupid for ditching a quality friend because I really need them tbh.
Yeah he texts back really quickly and he's really funny, interesting etc. Blah.

@Vikinga thank you. everything you've said is absolutely right.

It was probably about two months, I also put some more effort into my relationship at that time.

I know the feeling, mine is also interesting, clever, funny but also very caring. She just wants a friend and is a really good one to me, shame I'm fucking it up