married, but have feelings for married male friend :(

[notagreatsituation]

I've been using mumsnet for nearly a decade at this point, but have had to sign up again as I don't post much and forgot my old account details. I'd appreciate people going easy on me here as I'm feeling bad, but I know what the internet in general can be like, so I'll try and brace myself. Would be grateful for advice either way.

The title sums it up. We're not really longstanding friends, less than 2 years. The attraction was (I strongly suspect) mutual initially, but it seems to have worn off for him - I expected it to dissipate for me as well, but unfortunately it's gone the other way and developed into something that feels more significant. I don't think he's remotely aware of this.

I need to extricate myself, but I can't figure out the best way to do it; if we were both single I'd just be honest, but we're not. We don't even see each other that much - our main contact is texting a few times a week, with occasional calls and much less frequent meets, but he would notice and question it if I suddenly pulled back: for the last year, there hasn't been a single full week that we've been out of contact, and my feeling is that I'd need significantly longer than a week of absolute zero communication to get past this.

Can anyone please help me decide what to do? Obviously I shouldn't have let it get this far in the first place, but here I am. He's been a good friend to me and has done nothing wrong, so I don't want to abruptly fade him out without explanation. Perhaps there are people could could pull it off without being too obvious/offensive, but I'm quite socially clumsy and not good at stuff like this.

Do I need to go with an extremely slow fade and just deal with the emotional stress in the meantime? That's the 'best' solution I can think of, but I really want to have space from this more immediately than that would allow. I've been putting off doing anything about it for months in the vague hope that it'll just resolve itself, but that clearly isn't going to happen, and it is affecting my mental health.

If anyone else has dealt with something similar, I'd find it helpful to know how it panned out, if you'd be willing to share.

To clarify, OP, you've met alone? Just the two of you? Was it an arranged meeting, like a date?

Just fade it out.
and if he’s not invested he will fade out his contact too.
no need for drama or telling him how you feel - what we be the gain in that?
the more you contact each other , the more you feed into it - the more your feeling will take root and grow.
it will hurt at first - but not half as much as letting it drag on and letting it causing further upset

I'm inclined to try the no texting first and short replies for a couple of weeks - there's always a chance he won't question it after all and it'll be easier than I'm expecting. If he does raise it with me, or keeps texting etc for longer than that, then I'll be honest (?) and then block. How does that sound?

That sounds perfect.

Thank you, I'll go with this. To answer your other question, we did meet on our own, but it was in public for a shared hobby rather than just dinner or similar.

Appreciate all the replies. I'll probably update this thread once things are resolved either way as I'll want to process it. If anyone has any other thoughts or suggestions in the meantime I'd still be interested in hearing them.

It might also help you to think about why your feelings have developed towards him. What does he represent? E.g., if you think fondly of him because he helped you with your hobby, then perhaps you are lacking support from those closest to you in this regard?

Gosh I think it would be very unfair of you to tell him the real reason.
If your friend told other people that you had distanced yourself from him because of feelings from him , imagine how humiliating that would be for your husband.
You can't be 100% certain that he won't tell anyone else and I would be utterly devastated and humiliated if I thought that my circle of friends knew that my husband had developed feelings for someone else and were discussing it.

You need just to fade him out gently citing work being mad busy etc

@Crazycrazylady I can see where you're coming from and have similar reservations. If it makes a difference, we have no mutual friends at all, and he's a very trustworthy person - though as you say, I could never be 100% sure. I'm definitely going to try phasing things out for a couple of weeks first though, so I'll see how I feel once that time has passed.

I really don't want to make this thread about my marriage as that would be a whole other conversation, but I'm not convinced this is a good idea for a few reasons. I understand why you're saying it though.

Do not say anything to him!! It opens the doors for tortured discussions and will make it all much harder

I'm almost certain it's not reciprocated if that makes a difference?

Another option would be to simply say you have some stuff going on in your life atm and need to take some time out from friendships etc to focus on your own well-being. You could block him shortly afterwards then without it necessarily seeming personal, just you reinforcing that you need time to yourself.

If he notices that the messaging has dropped down and asks just say that life is busy and at the moment you are prioritising your family and therefore not as responsive and won't be for a while. No need to make declarations about feelings and it is true, you not messaging him is prioritising your family.

God no, don't tell him you have feelings for him. That's going to open a whole can of worms potentially. He could be aghast, he could be encouraged to start something, he could feel very awkward. He might tell his wife and there will be unpleasantness. If you are genuinely not wanting to start an affair, say nothing. Let texting fizzle out, be slower to reply, don't initiate a new one.

Some good ideas, thank you.

Nope, doesn't make any difference to my advice whatsoever. A text explaining why is introducing the possibility. No matter what you protest.

Least said, soonest mended. And quickly.

But you still think he’ll notice and challenge you on not replying to his texts, or not texting him yourself? I mean, I have close friends of 25 years’ standing or more and all I’d think was that they must have stuff going on and I should give them space.

You say you think the attraction was initially mutual — was this when you first met two years ago? What made you think that? And what made you think it wore off for him? When you say you’re ‘nearly certain’ it’s not reciprocated any more, are you still hoping it is?

I’m sympathetic to an extent, as I’ve also developed feelings for a friend, though I’m quite certain that it’s never occurred to him (a) to think of me sexually and (b) or that I am attracted to him. I’m quite unattractive, though, which probably makes a difference.

I don't think you should tell him the real reason you want to cut contact. Firstly, it opens the door to him saying he feels the same- I know you think this is unlikely, but it's possible and that will create a whole heap of trouble.

Even if he doesn't tell other people, he may well feel obliged to tell his wife in the name of transparency. I would definitely tell my DH in his situation, because I'd want to be upfront in case he found out another way and it looked like I'd been up to no good. He might not spread it around, but I imagine his wife would be mightily annoyed. I also wouldn't say anything like that if there was even the remotest chance that we would cross paths again at work.

I think overall I would just stop instigating texting, give short but not rude replies to any he sends, and make sure I'm busy if he suggests meeting up. If he asks, you can just say things are frantic at work/home whatever.

I had this situation but in reverse- an old uni friend that got back in touch and it seemed that he was pretty keen. I wasn't interest (and was also married, he was single.) I did the gradual fading out thing and he stopped messaging within a month or so, with no big drama.

Also, I think that would be horrible for your husband if you actually tell this man you have feelings for him. I'm not judging you for having the feelings- it could happen to anyone- but I think expressing your feelings to him is crossing a big boundary, even if your husband wouldn't ever know.

Yes - at least he would know the reason why you have gone cold on the friendship. It is tricky I know, I talk from experience. Good luck with whatever you decide

I guess maybe he won't notice - it's possible that I'm basing this on the fact that I would, but I'm obviously overinvested! Yes, by initially I mean when we first met, based on a comment he made and the general vibe (you know how you can just tell sometimes). That vibe definitely is not there any more. Sorry you're dealing with something similar - it is difficult. Good luck with your situation.

I can definitely see where people are coming from with the not telling him. I don't want to outright lie, but if it doesn't fade out on its own, I guess I'll try and say something that's true but not the whole story.

@notagreatsituation I wouldn't say anything to him to explain a change in your pattern of communication - it might open the door to conversations on another level and my instinct here tells me that you probably won't know how to deal with that if you started talking more openly about your feelings for him - it might be like opening Pandora's box - maybe he would just take advantage of the situation - never look a gift horse and all that - can you can gauge what his reaction might be and how you would handle it if he said he had strong feelings for you? Don't put yourself in a situation you can't handle - it seems like you can't even handle the situation as it stands.

It sounds like you are admitting that you don't feel in control of the communication - I think this is where you need to ask yourself twice - "Do I really need to send this message?" to start or continue a conversation and "Do I really need to reply to this?" - you don't even have to offer explanations or make up reasons for gaps in communications - you need to try and put some distance between the two of you and get used to having control over what is happening.

I think you need to quieten down the communication gradually if you still want this friendship and can learn to handle it/manage it as a friendship.

The big question you need to answer if why are you feeling like this - why are you in this situation? Be specific - what exactly do you mean by "there was an attraction" - just looks/physical, intellect, humour, listening skills, practical skills, common interests, deep thinking, light hearted, friendly, insightful, subtle - it's fine to see, like and appreciate some aspects of a person but that wouldn't always mean a relationship would work - I'd have a lot of questions for you because relationships are often very complex and difficult to understand - can you break it down and work out what's going on? A friend of mine of 30 years is funny, quirky, demonstrative, open, loud, vivacious, sometimes embarrassing to be around - I love her company - she's also thoughtful, kind, generous, disarming - as a friend I love her to bits - but would I want her as my partner? Hell no! She'd be a nightmare and she's not what I want from a partner on many levels - yet she has been there for me (and my wife who is also her friend) on so many occasions as we would be (and have been) for her - so you see - you have to discriminate between these real, precious, deep, genuine relationships and that one exclusive relationship you have with your partner. What is it you like or want from this relationship - I imagine there are some very obvious aspects that have got you hooked on this guy - if that's the right way to phrase it - but even if there are certain aspects you like about someone or connections you have on certain levels - it doesn't mean a fully fledged all-in relationship would work or is even needed for you to have a friendship with someone that means something or that you enjoy in some way. I have women friends that I connect to on certain levels because they are creative people - writers, painters, musicians, singers, etc - we connect on those levels for instance in ways that I don't connect with my wife - but that's no problem - we're different thank God - I love, value, enjoy my friendships but I don't feel the urge, need or want to have any other kind of relationship with them - I already have the one important relationship in my life that I want. Is it perfect? No. We just keep working on it. I wonder if you've just not got much relationship experience - and that doesn't mean the history of people you've dated - you can have personally meaningful, possibly deep relationships with people other than your partner - but - I think you just have to adult enough, experienced and self-aware enough to know how to handle these without putting yourself, your friend, your relationship with your friend or your relationship with your partner at any risk. Like I say - it could be complicated if you don't know how to control boundaries - it would be a mistake to think that any real friendship is simple. I respect my relationship with my partner by not discussing my/our problems with other people - if I have a problem with my partner it's her I have to talk to and work things out with. I don't write or say anything about her or us that I wouldn't be happy for her to read or hear - so I keep my personal relationship out of my other friendships - that's part of how I maintain boundaries - that's what works for me/us. My wife is slightly different but generally we're on the same page - if she feels the need to talk about something that's fine by me - I trust what she will say (about me/us) and trust who she will choose to talk to - like I say - we're different.

In short - you probably need to try and handle your friendship in a more adult way and understand that relationships are complicated things that work on many different levels - you can connect to different people on many different levels - just because you connect on one or two it doesn't mean you have to be in a full blown relationship with them or that it would work anyway.

HTH

@larkstar Thanks so much for that response, I think you've hit the nail on the head with a lot of it. I don't feel in control at all and it feels both uncomfortable and fairly undignified, which is a big part of why I want out altogether. I tend to find close relationships overwhelming in general and am a huge overthinker. To be honest, there are noticeable ways in which I don't connect with my friend and I can see that they would be a problem if we were actually in a relationship, but for some reason that doesn't stop me feeling how I feel.