My BF says he's not sure he wants kids anymore

[NYAM123]

I need to talk to someone about this or I might burst! Sorry for what's about to come but I'm not sure how else I can process this right now.

My boyfriend (M39, soon to be 40) and I (F28, soon to be 29) have been together for almost 2 years now. We dated casually a bit beforehand so we've known each other for 2-3 years. When we started dating we had a fairly thorough talk about what we wanted and both agreed we'd like a relationship that would turn into marriage and kids.

We've lived together for a year and we got a dog in November. While we both love him, a few times my partner's mentioned that he finds looking after the dog challenging and that some days he just doesn't have capacity. We manage just fine between us. He works in an office whereas I WFH, so at least three days of the week it's me and doggo at home all day whereas the other four my partner is home too, but overall I would say I get more one-on-one time with the dog and I'm fine with that as he's the dog I always wanted to get. I know a dog is not the same as a child but to me it's a taste of committing to putting someone else first and you can't just go out all day and night without making sure the dog is sorted.

A few weeks ago we went away for the weekend and were chit chatting one evening. I asked him where he saw himself in five years time. He told me he didn't know. I asked again if he thought he'd be in the same job or married and have kids or would do more travelling and he said again that he didn't know, he "hadn't thought about it", then he said it: he had changed his mind somewhat on wanting kids and wasn't so sure anymore it was what he wanted. I asked him how much he wanted it vs didn't want it and he said it was 30/70 in favour of not. I was absolutely bowled over.

Since he dropped that on me we've had multiple conversations about it. He says he doesn't feel we're in the best place to have a child right now (which I agree with and I don't want children right now) and that he's worried that if he had them, he wouldn't be mentally capable of the lack of sleep and freedom and constant changes and worries. He says he wants to go out and do things with his life, for it to be all about the adventure. Three of his best friends are all having kids, two of them are having their second next year but he says he doesn't see them particularly happy for having had them compared to his friends who are not married and not having kids and just living with their long term partners. He suffers with anxiety and is currently undergoing assessments for ADD so I can see that his mental health is a major concern and support that he shouldn't do anything he doesn't want to do. For as long as we've been dating he's regularly gone to therapy and works on keeping tabs on his anxiety, so it's not a new thing that's developed but obviously is an important factor.

But here's the thing. What the eff, do I do now? We could stay together for five years and it not be a problem but then I risk ending up in a situation where I'm 33/34 and he still doesn't really want kids and I have to start again because of it. I don't want kids right this second but I could see myself wanting them in my early to mid 30s. I feel like I'm risking throwing away what is otherwise a good life with someone I love for something that's not going to be a priority for a while. However, I would never marry someone who didn't want to start a family with me or at least want the same things I did in that area so where does that leave us in the meantime, what are we even working towards anymore? I'm so confused.

I feel like I've been thrown a curveball here. Please give me your advice. Do I wait it out and if so how long do I wait and what do I wait for? Am I overreacting and this should be a problem for another time? The fact he said he's 30/70 in favour of not having kids feels like a huge mountain to overcome. Or do I cut my losses now and deal with the heartbreak sooner rather than later?

I think he’s actually playing down how much he doesn’t want kids because he doesn’t want to lose the relationship. But there’s no guarantee he’ll change his mind, he might go more towards 100% not wanting them. It’s hard but if you really want them you can’t take that risk. I would cut your losses now. I have some sympathy with him because I don’t want kids, and I’ve already made it clear to my partner that if he changes his mind and decides he wants them, we need to break up. Your bf is taking the cowardly way out imo by telling you this and expecting you to make the next move rather than ending things himself.

He's almost 40, he 100% doesn't want kids and he's using soft language in order to keep your hopes up and to keep you around.

FFS, don't fall for this. Have you not seen the countless posts on mn from women who sacrificed their fertile years, waiting for their partner to be "ready", only to then be told children will never happen. Don't be one of these women.

If I were you, I would be leaving him right now.

I did wonder if that was the case because 30 per cent 'wanting' kids seems really vague to me. I 100 per cent don't want them now but I am much more for having them when I've had time to develop my career and have a few more years being selfish. I don't think he's wrong to be cautious or worried but I'm just a little bit floored right now :/

His choices are perfectly valid, as are yours. If you do want children, you're young enough to find someone else who does.

Come up with some kind of deadline day - certainly not 5 years from now. Assess where he is around then. If views unchanged give him the ultimatum. If he’s certain he doesn’t want kids then leave.

Plenty of men out there who do want families and you will have time to meet someone nice and go for it

I would cut your losses now and find someone who wants the same as you do long term i.e marriage and children. Fundamentally you're incompatible and want different things.

Do not risk your fertile years on someone who is at the very least ambivalent about children. Given also that he's 40 soon, I doubt he will want to become a father by the time he is 45.

Dump him and find someone who does want children while you still have a reasonable time frame to do it.
You’re 29 and not ready yet and that’s fine. But it’s usually considered a good idea to let the a relationship develop for a year or two before TTC which would put you in your early thirties when you have said you’d like to have kids and when medically you still stand an excellent chance of being able to have them.
Not wanting to stay in this relationship for another 5years when you are much less likely to be able to have the family you want is sensible.

You need to make a hard decision.

You can stay with him in the hope he might change his mind. However, you need to accept you may not ever have kids if you do this

Or

You break up and you find someone else who is willing to have children.

I did think about this and obviously this is all kind of new and I'm not in the mainframe to do anything rash. I need to think clearly but sometimes a wave of fresh panic hits me (like today). What's a viable timeline do you think? He changed his mind in the space of a year once already, I wonder if he'd change his mind again in another year?

If he doesn't want children, he's not going to change his mind - so a deadline may not be a great idea.

I would not want to hang around another year to see if he has any sort of epiphany.

Your fertile years are finite in number. He's got to the age of nearly 40 without marriage and or children; why is this?. He is not really relationship material, let alone father material. If he already finds dog ownership challenging (with the upshot that its you mainly looking after this animal) he in all likelihood won't be all that bothered about a baby either.

He is softballing you.

He is nearly 40 and hasn't a notion of having children and you will only be also lying to yourself if you don't accept that.

Not everyone wants children and it is a legitimate choice.

This is obviously very difficult for you to hear but you are in a position that if you take a chance on his 30%🙄, you will end up realising it was actually 100%.

He has a diagnosis which he is trying to figure out, and I think he is indeed being honest and realistic that he may not be suited to the undoubted stress and sleeplessness that having children does bring.

This is the time to be brave and make a tough decision for YOUR future.

If you don't you are most likely going to find yourself bitterly regretful.

You already have different values. If you met him now and he said 30/70 in favour of not having children, would you even continue dating?

You want marriage and children, but I assume you want a husband who is 100% committed to the child/ren you have - someone who is an equal partner, who does their share of all the difficult parts, the getting up early / cleaning up puke / routine life and family admin; someone who parents in the same way as you do; someone who puts 'family' needs before their own. Of course it doesn't always end up like that, but surely you've both got to be wanting that before you start?

I know a dog is not the same as a child, but there is something about the relentlessness of those puppy days that can feel like a similar commitment. I think it is good that he has noticed what is going on for him and that this has made him reconsider his priorities. Not the outcome you wanted, of course.

You could stay together in the meantime, but to be honest I think the relationship would die a natural death anyway. You are going to be questioning the basis of it and how long it might last, he is going to be wondering whether you are going to push for children (and that's not going to help his anxiety).

I think it's a 'cruel to be kind' situation - kind to both of you - to find a deecnt way to end the realtionship (maybe get some counselling support through it).

Above all, don't just hope he's going to change his mind back again and fall in love with the idea and reality of being a Dad. Sorry

Giving him an ultimatum is an absolute waste of your time. It's already over, just leave him.

Cut your losses and leave him.

In my experience a man dating a woman 10 years his junior doesn't want a serious commitment or children with her. He knows though that he has time before it becomes a 'thing'.

At his age, he know what he wants re kids. If you want children some day, it's time to go and find someone in your wavelength. Don't waste the next 4-5 years waiting for him.

He's nearly 40, if he wanted children he would have had them by now. If you want them, leave now while you have time.

If he has not said yes to kids, he means no

He doesn't particularly want the dog, let alone children.

If children are that important to you then he's not the one for you

"In my experience a man dating a woman 10 years his junior doesn't want a serious commitment or children with her. He knows though that he has time before it becomes a 'thing'.

This too from Twizbe.

Like I said I think it's thrown me to go from, "yes I want this too" to "I only kind of want this." I mean better to learn now than later or worse, when the situation is right on top of us but yeah the change has thrown me.

What's his history like with previous girlfriends? I bet you any money this is repeat behaviour... pretends he wants kids, then say he's not sure, string that out for a while, then say he definitely doesn't want them. The relationship then implodes and on to the next girlfriend.

Has he talked about a previous relationship or relationships at all?

What the eff, do I do now?
The planning to break things off. That's what you do. Make sure you have somewhere to live, close down any joint accounts etc, go.
You really, honestly, only get one life. And you want to spend it with someone who deals with you straight.

I don't get that impression. He said he'd talked about having kids with a previous girlfriend and wanted to have them but then they split up and actually funny thing is she's pregnant now. I know her very well we all get along and they just weren't compatible, I think she was much happier to stay at home whereas he is much more about going out and doing things, which is what attracted me to him in the first place, he's not about sitting on his butt and not making the most of his life and wants to be active. We have that in common we're very 'go, go, go' people.