Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My BF says he's not sure he wants kids anymore

116 replies

NYAM123 · 31/07/2022 16:03

I need to talk to someone about this or I might burst! Sorry for what's about to come but I'm not sure how else I can process this right now.

My boyfriend (M39, soon to be 40) and I (F28, soon to be 29) have been together for almost 2 years now. We dated casually a bit beforehand so we've known each other for 2-3 years. When we started dating we had a fairly thorough talk about what we wanted and both agreed we'd like a relationship that would turn into marriage and kids.

We've lived together for a year and we got a dog in November. While we both love him, a few times my partner's mentioned that he finds looking after the dog challenging and that some days he just doesn't have capacity. We manage just fine between us. He works in an office whereas I WFH, so at least three days of the week it's me and doggo at home all day whereas the other four my partner is home too, but overall I would say I get more one-on-one time with the dog and I'm fine with that as he's the dog I always wanted to get. I know a dog is not the same as a child but to me it's a taste of committing to putting someone else first and you can't just go out all day and night without making sure the dog is sorted.

A few weeks ago we went away for the weekend and were chit chatting one evening. I asked him where he saw himself in five years time. He told me he didn't know. I asked again if he thought he'd be in the same job or married and have kids or would do more travelling and he said again that he didn't know, he "hadn't thought about it", then he said it: he had changed his mind somewhat on wanting kids and wasn't so sure anymore it was what he wanted. I asked him how much he wanted it vs didn't want it and he said it was 30/70 in favour of not. I was absolutely bowled over.

Since he dropped that on me we've had multiple conversations about it. He says he doesn't feel we're in the best place to have a child right now (which I agree with and I don't want children right now) and that he's worried that if he had them, he wouldn't be mentally capable of the lack of sleep and freedom and constant changes and worries. He says he wants to go out and do things with his life, for it to be all about the adventure. Three of his best friends are all having kids, two of them are having their second next year but he says he doesn't see them particularly happy for having had them compared to his friends who are not married and not having kids and just living with their long term partners. He suffers with anxiety and is currently undergoing assessments for ADD so I can see that his mental health is a major concern and support that he shouldn't do anything he doesn't want to do. For as long as we've been dating he's regularly gone to therapy and works on keeping tabs on his anxiety, so it's not a new thing that's developed but obviously is an important factor.

But here's the thing. What the eff, do I do now? We could stay together for five years and it not be a problem but then I risk ending up in a situation where I'm 33/34 and he still doesn't really want kids and I have to start again because of it. I don't want kids right this second but I could see myself wanting them in my early to mid 30s. I feel like I'm risking throwing away what is otherwise a good life with someone I love for something that's not going to be a priority for a while. However, I would never marry someone who didn't want to start a family with me or at least want the same things I did in that area so where does that leave us in the meantime, what are we even working towards anymore? I'm so confused.

I feel like I've been thrown a curveball here. Please give me your advice. Do I wait it out and if so how long do I wait and what do I wait for? Am I overreacting and this should be a problem for another time? The fact he said he's 30/70 in favour of not having kids feels like a huge mountain to overcome. Or do I cut my losses now and deal with the heartbreak sooner rather than later?

OP posts:
Original poster
NYAM123 · 31/07/2022 20:31

EarthSight · 31/07/2022 20:16

I note that you've been together/known each other for 2-3 years, but there's not mention of marriage? Just straight from relationship into having children?

If he went into this relationship with a sort of 'Well, she'll do' and 'I suppose I have to settle down at one point' sort of attitude, then he's seriously being tested now.

He was about 36 when you first met, and you were only 25. That's a big age gap OP and a big difference in life situations. Some flaky, non-commited men go for younger women because they think it'll buy them time before they have to have 'The Talk'. They string them along with future-faking...and then when the time finally comes to make a decision, they suddenly get cold feet and 'have to think things through', or they keep delaying and keep saying 'next year' until the poor woman has run out of time.

I know what it's like to be on the fence regarding children or not be keen on the idea, so I'm not unsympathetic for how confusing and distressing that can be. However, I think you have to consider the possibility of either a) He doesn't want children, maybe he never really did, or b) He just doesn't want to have children with you because you are Ms Good-Enough-for-Now or c) He'll always be confused or have mixed feelings about this topic and that will never change.

He's almost 40. If he really wanted children with you, you wouldn't be going through this.

Sorry perhaps I didn't make the distinction in my OP. There's no mention of marriage yet. But yeah now we're fast approaching two years together and naturally I'm thinking about what's coming next, if it's two more years of dating before a proposal then fine, but as I mentioned, I wouldn't marry anyone anyway who didn't want children so this has thrown me a little.

When we met it was the beginning of the pandemic, no one really knew what the future held. I was 27 and he was 37, I'm now 28 almost 29 and he's 39.

OP posts:
morescrummythanyummy · 31/07/2022 20:51

I think you have missed a big one OP, he didn't say that in five years he could see being married to you and not the kids, did he? Tbh, I'd say he doesn't want either so ditch him now

Original poster
NYAM123 · 31/07/2022 20:57

morescrummythanyummy · 31/07/2022 20:51

I think you have missed a big one OP, he didn't say that in five years he could see being married to you and not the kids, did he? Tbh, I'd say he doesn't want either so ditch him now

I asked him if he could see himself being married and with kids (as well as other things) and he said he didn't know, then came out with the stuff about not being sure he wanted kids. I've asked him to elaborate and he says he can see us having a future together, not really much else as to what that looks like and how it works but just that there is one.

OP posts:
ipswi · 31/07/2022 21:03

Obviously anyone has the right to change their mind at anytime and you can never predict what you want in the future...

if he has changed his mind from wanting kids (or telling you he wants kids) that's completely his prerogative.

However, the bit I find unacceptable is that he's changed his mind, or at the very least been having doubts, and he's not had the decency to communicate this without you asking directly. If you hadn't brought it up when would he even have told you? Or would he have just coasted along for years leading you on?

This would be the biggest issue for me

Aquamarine1029 · 31/07/2022 21:10

I've asked him to elaborate and he says he can see us having a future together

Yes, op, the future he wants, not the one you want. I get the feeling you think you can get him to change his mind. You won't. He's future faking you.

Original poster
NYAM123 · 31/07/2022 21:16

Aquamarine1029 · 31/07/2022 21:10

I've asked him to elaborate and he says he can see us having a future together

Yes, op, the future he wants, not the one you want. I get the feeling you think you can get him to change his mind. You won't. He's future faking you.

Not necessarily change his mind I'm just aware we've only been together two years so it's not a long time in the grand scheme of things but I'd like to think my future hubby and BD would be thinking about our future at least?

OP posts:
morescrummythanyummy · 31/07/2022 21:27

Hmmm, yeah, I think that is pretty weak for a 40 year old man. Manchild really. I know a few couples with similar gaps and kids - those older guys who actively wanted to be married and kids who thought they were with the right ladies actually proposed and wanted to settle down very quickly. They'd had 20 years of messing around.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/07/2022 21:36

Not necessarily change his mind I'm just aware we've only been together two years so it's not a long time in the grand scheme of things

Two years is more than enough time for a 40 year old man to know what he wants for his future. You and baby aren't it.

LilyMarshall · 31/07/2022 21:40

Leave. Dont waste more time.

peepshow97 · 31/07/2022 21:45

My BIL did this to his long term girlfriend.

He then left her when she was 42 and he has a baby with a younger model.

My SIL will never be a mother now.

Moonshine5 · 31/07/2022 21:47

OP with all due respect, he's telling you he doesn't want children with you. Full stop. If you don't believe any of us then Believe him.

SkankingWombat · 31/07/2022 22:01

Honestly? I'd run for the hills. At 40 he knows what he wants, and I also suspect he is letting you in on his feelings gently either so he doesn't appear an arsehole or with a view to string you along a bit.

As a comparison, I have a similar age gap with DH. When I was your age, we were very clear where we were heading. We had bought a house together, we were planning our wedding, and we 100% both wanted DCs even if we were also slightly terrified by the idea! DH was older to get married (40) and have DCs (42), but that was completely down to how life had panned out for him with a mix of being very young for his age (was 28 before he knuckled down to a career), 2 closely-spaced bereavements and a period of adjustment following them, and a poor previous choice of long term partner. It was quite clear he wasn't a Peter Pan type.

I've seen a lot mentioned on MN that older men will happily marry and have DCs very quickly, when previously they've claimed to not want these things, having finally met The One. This also holds true of my experience with friends who have met their now-DHs later on, when the DH had previously been seen as a commitment-phobe. Until that point they are happy ticking along in a relationship/FWB that gives them plenty of benefits without needing to properly commit. Your BF may genuinely not want DCs or may be in the latter camp, but either way it doesn't make for the future together you want. You are better to cut your losses and give yourself the best chance of meeting someone whose plans match yours.

SkankingWombat · 31/07/2022 22:01

Honestly? I'd run for the hills. At 40 he knows what he wants, and I also suspect he is letting you in on his feelings gently either so he doesn't appear an arsehole or with a view to string you along a bit.

As a comparison, I have a similar age gap with DH. When I was your age, we were very clear where we were heading. We had bought a house together, we were planning our wedding, and we 100% both wanted DCs even if we were also slightly terrified by the idea! DH was older to get married (40) and have DCs (42), but that was completely down to how life had panned out for him with a mix of being very young for his age (was 28 before he knuckled down to a career), 2 closely-spaced bereavements and a period of adjustment following them, and a poor previous choice of long term partner. It was quite clear he wasn't a Peter Pan type.

I've seen a lot mentioned on MN that older men will happily marry and have DCs very quickly, when previously they've claimed to not want these things, having finally met The One. This also holds true of my experience with friends who have met their now-DHs later on, when the DH had previously been seen as a commitment-phobe. Until that point they are happy ticking along in a relationship/FWB that gives them plenty of benefits without needing to properly commit. Your BF may genuinely not want DCs or may be in the latter camp, but either way it doesn't make for the future together you want. You are better to cut your losses and give yourself the best chance of meeting someone whose plans match yours.

Tickledtrout · 31/07/2022 22:22

Aquamarine1029 · 31/07/2022 16:32

Giving him an ultimatum is an absolute waste of your time. It's already over, just leave him.

Agree.

LampLighter414 · 01/08/2022 00:38

NYAM123 · 31/07/2022 16:22

I did think about this and obviously this is all kind of new and I'm not in the mainframe to do anything rash. I need to think clearly but sometimes a wave of fresh panic hits me (like today). What's a viable timeline do you think? He changed his mind in the space of a year once already, I wonder if he'd change his mind again in another year?

Show quote history

I was thinking more 3-4 months rather than a whole year.

could just be a blip with everything currently going on. Check in every couple of months and then say how important this all is to you. No change? Time to go

Loopyloopy · 01/08/2022 01:05

If you want more than one child, OP, you really don't have time to waste. He's telling you pretty clearly now that he doesn't want kids. People get pregnant in their 40s, yes, but it really can get harder as your 30s progress.

mackthepony · 01/08/2022 01:08

What's the point in a deadline?

If he can't handle the dog he can't handle a child

Move on

FreudayNight · 01/08/2022 01:14

NYAM123 · 31/07/2022 20:57

I asked him if he could see himself being married and with kids (as well as other things) and he said he didn't know, then came out with the stuff about not being sure he wanted kids. I've asked him to elaborate and he says he can see us having a future together, not really much else as to what that looks like and how it works but just that there is one.

Show quote history

What he means is he likes what you have now and doesn’t want it to change.

he has no intention of having kids, but is too chicken/comfortable to say.

I’d throw him back.

user1477391263 · 01/08/2022 01:18

Another one here saying, cut your losses and go.
Don't be one of those women who gets strung along and then has a massive panic in their early or mid 30s with no partner in sight.

Appleblum · 01/08/2022 01:34

Eh? He's nearly 40, he will know whether or not he wants kids. I think he's just doesn't have the balls to admit that he doesn't want kids because he knows it'll mean that you'll likely leave him.

MissTrip82 · 01/08/2022 02:36

Honestly if someone’s 40 and not sure, they have decided really.

Don’t buy into the misogynistic myth that men have all the time in the world - the fact he’s over 35 is already risking future healthy pregnancies because of the poor quality of ageing sperm. He may think he’s cheated that by taking up with someone so much younger, but he’s cheating you in the process.

BasiliskStare · 01/08/2022 03:14

Friend of mine had a lovely relationship with a chap but once marriage and children came up seriously - he ditched the whole thing . He was happy , very happy with a DP , they lived together , socialised together , but he wasn't up for marriage and children. My friend was sad but she moved on - he wanted a partner ( oftentimes she would be cooking for when he and his chums came back from the pub ) but he did not want a family ( by which I mean children. ) She was very very sad but they did not want the same things.

Scepticalwotsits · 01/08/2022 03:21

People are allowed to have opinions and are allowed to change said opinions Nothing wrong with that.

however you have to realise now that the chances of children with him are now small and you need to weigh up potentially giving up the last part of your fertile years to a man on the hope that he may change his mind vs understanding that all relationships have their time and place and this one has run it’s cause and it’s time to move on

maeveiscurious · 01/08/2022 06:52

Time to move on

MMmomDD · 01/08/2022 07:25

@NYAM123

Please don’t waste your time on a 40yo man who is dreaming of adventures in the future, and who thinks his friends who don’t have kids are happier than those who do.
He isn’t going to want to have kids. He maybe forced into it by fear of losing you - and that is the best case scenario here.

You are still young enough. But if you want to have kids in early 30s - you need to get over this relationship, meet someone new and spend some time with them. It all takes time.

So - hard as it is - you need to make a decision and make a move. In the end of the day - you’ve only dated for two years. It’s not a massive time invested on your side.

Dont let him keep you hanging and hoping he will change his mind. You need to be with someone on the same page as you - someone who definitely wants kids in a few years. It’s that simple if having kids is important to you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread