My BF says he's not sure he wants kids anymore

[NYAM123]

I need to talk to someone about this or I might burst! Sorry for what's about to come but I'm not sure how else I can process this right now.

My boyfriend (M39, soon to be 40) and I (F28, soon to be 29) have been together for almost 2 years now. We dated casually a bit beforehand so we've known each other for 2-3 years. When we started dating we had a fairly thorough talk about what we wanted and both agreed we'd like a relationship that would turn into marriage and kids.

We've lived together for a year and we got a dog in November. While we both love him, a few times my partner's mentioned that he finds looking after the dog challenging and that some days he just doesn't have capacity. We manage just fine between us. He works in an office whereas I WFH, so at least three days of the week it's me and doggo at home all day whereas the other four my partner is home too, but overall I would say I get more one-on-one time with the dog and I'm fine with that as he's the dog I always wanted to get. I know a dog is not the same as a child but to me it's a taste of committing to putting someone else first and you can't just go out all day and night without making sure the dog is sorted.

A few weeks ago we went away for the weekend and were chit chatting one evening. I asked him where he saw himself in five years time. He told me he didn't know. I asked again if he thought he'd be in the same job or married and have kids or would do more travelling and he said again that he didn't know, he "hadn't thought about it", then he said it: he had changed his mind somewhat on wanting kids and wasn't so sure anymore it was what he wanted. I asked him how much he wanted it vs didn't want it and he said it was 30/70 in favour of not. I was absolutely bowled over.

Since he dropped that on me we've had multiple conversations about it. He says he doesn't feel we're in the best place to have a child right now (which I agree with and I don't want children right now) and that he's worried that if he had them, he wouldn't be mentally capable of the lack of sleep and freedom and constant changes and worries. He says he wants to go out and do things with his life, for it to be all about the adventure. Three of his best friends are all having kids, two of them are having their second next year but he says he doesn't see them particularly happy for having had them compared to his friends who are not married and not having kids and just living with their long term partners. He suffers with anxiety and is currently undergoing assessments for ADD so I can see that his mental health is a major concern and support that he shouldn't do anything he doesn't want to do. For as long as we've been dating he's regularly gone to therapy and works on keeping tabs on his anxiety, so it's not a new thing that's developed but obviously is an important factor.

But here's the thing. What the eff, do I do now? We could stay together for five years and it not be a problem but then I risk ending up in a situation where I'm 33/34 and he still doesn't really want kids and I have to start again because of it. I don't want kids right this second but I could see myself wanting them in my early to mid 30s. I feel like I'm risking throwing away what is otherwise a good life with someone I love for something that's not going to be a priority for a while. However, I would never marry someone who didn't want to start a family with me or at least want the same things I did in that area so where does that leave us in the meantime, what are we even working towards anymore? I'm so confused.

I feel like I've been thrown a curveball here. Please give me your advice. Do I wait it out and if so how long do I wait and what do I wait for? Am I overreacting and this should be a problem for another time? The fact he said he's 30/70 in favour of not having kids feels like a huge mountain to overcome. Or do I cut my losses now and deal with the heartbreak sooner rather than later?

I met my now husband when I was 20, he was 36. I told him I wanted children and we now have 2.
My point is any man of your partners age knows if he wants marriage/children or not.
Your partner does not, leave now and don't miss your chance.

OP, I was at a friend's 31st birthday party yesterday. She split up from her bf a year ago because he didn't want kids. She doesn't right now either but she knows she wants them eventually. (Funnily, when she first told me they'd split because they couldn't agree on kids, I immediately assumed he wanted them and she didn't - she's very much a work hard, play hard type who's never once shown interest in children around me; he's very nurturing and domestic.)

Anyway, this is something that should give you hope: a year on they're both absolutely thriving. Her career's going from strength to strength, he's finished his Masters and is ready to transition into the industry he always wanted to. These are both things they encouraged each other to do and might not have done if they hadn't gone out with each other for a few years. She's dating and having a good time. They're both still good friends because even though their life goals aren't compatible they still like and respect each other - her ex was there yesterday too, they still go to gigs and exhibitions of the artists they both like. They're also both looking seriously hot these days, the kind of glow-up you just want to applaud it's so good.

My point is basically that splitting up when an incompatibility like this comes up is the right thing to do. You know it, he knows it. It's the mature decision and it doesn't have to be a catastrophe. The sooner you do it, the sooner you can both get on with living the lives you want. Do it with mutual respect and you can even still have each other in your lives as friends.

Cut your losses and find someone who does want kids. He doesn't and never will.

Don't waste your precious life on a commitment phobic manchild who doesn't have the decency to be honest with you and is quite happy to watch you age and become less infertile whilst knowing he has no intention of changing his mind. Have some agency and build a better life with someone who wants the same things as you.

About 6 weeks in Dh (both late twenties) and I had a day out and put our cards on the table. We agreed we both wanted kids. We both wanted to leave London in the next few years. Neither of us had a massive issue the other should know about. We sealed the deal basically. Ok we are both solicitors so that’s our nature 😁 but am going to advise my kids to do the same. Weeds out time wasters then you know before you are in too deep.

That's what we did. We spoke about what we wanted for the future but now it seems the tables have turned 😓

He is telling you loud & clear that he dies not want children

If you want children, end this relationship

The fact that he also didn't know if you would be in his life in 5 years time should tell you everything you want to know.

Someone who is 40 knows what they want (or don't want). He knows his own mind, he doesn't want DC. Accept that and leave him.

And even if he said 'alright then, we'll have a baby together'. ... do you honestly want someone who is so reluctant about having a DC to be the father of your baby?

I had a friend who basically got engaged after a couple of weeks BUT it was one of those situations where everyone had known each other for years and the wrong couple had got together initially...
I think "the serious talk" works much better when you have people who just clicked and felt right from the start, maybe knew, or knew of, each other before, when it's a,
"I know the area, I've seen the house and I like it, I'm sending the surveyor and builders in to do due diligence" matter, rather than "sending questions to the eBay vendor on the other side of the country" job.

This is a man who will happily waste your fertile years in order to keep the relationship. If he claims to have changed his mind, but wants to wait another few years, take it with a pinch of salt, because there is nothing to stop him a few years later from moving the goal posts again. He doesn’t want kids.

Two years is ample time to know if you are serious about someone and what you want.

I would say 1 year is ample time.

He's 40, he knows well what he wants.

By all means waste your fertile years on him stringing you along, it will be you who will be left with the consequences.

I know of several women that it happened to.
Wouldn't be told by friends and family.
They live with huge regret.

Madness to leave your chance of having a child that you want in the hands of any man.

Sorry OP. If he’s got to age 40 without having kids, he doesn’t want them. (And if he finds a dog challenging he’d be a crap dad anyway and you’d end up resenting him, that’s not a good life.)

You’re going to have to leave him. He’ll try to persuade you to wait, “maybe I’ll feel differently in a year” 🙄 hoping that you’ll
run out of time. Right now you have time to recover from heartbreak, be single for a year or two, date for a year or two, then have kids. If you stay with him another 5 yrs then leave, the odds of immediately finding a man you love who wants kids asap are not good odds. Possible, but not good.

Do the sensible thing. Take the heartbreak now and find a man who wants what you want.

Ps and get angry. You were clear about your plans. HE changed the deal and has been a lazy wimp about telling you. That’s pretty damn unattractive behaviour.

There's not much to add to this. He doesn't want them at 40, he's definitely not going to want them at 45. So it's up to you how many years you are going to waste until you face up to this.

Leave. Find someone else.