My BF says he's not sure he wants kids anymore

[NYAM123]

I need to talk to someone about this or I might burst! Sorry for what's about to come but I'm not sure how else I can process this right now.

My boyfriend (M39, soon to be 40) and I (F28, soon to be 29) have been together for almost 2 years now. We dated casually a bit beforehand so we've known each other for 2-3 years. When we started dating we had a fairly thorough talk about what we wanted and both agreed we'd like a relationship that would turn into marriage and kids.

We've lived together for a year and we got a dog in November. While we both love him, a few times my partner's mentioned that he finds looking after the dog challenging and that some days he just doesn't have capacity. We manage just fine between us. He works in an office whereas I WFH, so at least three days of the week it's me and doggo at home all day whereas the other four my partner is home too, but overall I would say I get more one-on-one time with the dog and I'm fine with that as he's the dog I always wanted to get. I know a dog is not the same as a child but to me it's a taste of committing to putting someone else first and you can't just go out all day and night without making sure the dog is sorted.

A few weeks ago we went away for the weekend and were chit chatting one evening. I asked him where he saw himself in five years time. He told me he didn't know. I asked again if he thought he'd be in the same job or married and have kids or would do more travelling and he said again that he didn't know, he "hadn't thought about it", then he said it: he had changed his mind somewhat on wanting kids and wasn't so sure anymore it was what he wanted. I asked him how much he wanted it vs didn't want it and he said it was 30/70 in favour of not. I was absolutely bowled over.

Since he dropped that on me we've had multiple conversations about it. He says he doesn't feel we're in the best place to have a child right now (which I agree with and I don't want children right now) and that he's worried that if he had them, he wouldn't be mentally capable of the lack of sleep and freedom and constant changes and worries. He says he wants to go out and do things with his life, for it to be all about the adventure. Three of his best friends are all having kids, two of them are having their second next year but he says he doesn't see them particularly happy for having had them compared to his friends who are not married and not having kids and just living with their long term partners. He suffers with anxiety and is currently undergoing assessments for ADD so I can see that his mental health is a major concern and support that he shouldn't do anything he doesn't want to do. For as long as we've been dating he's regularly gone to therapy and works on keeping tabs on his anxiety, so it's not a new thing that's developed but obviously is an important factor.

But here's the thing. What the eff, do I do now? We could stay together for five years and it not be a problem but then I risk ending up in a situation where I'm 33/34 and he still doesn't really want kids and I have to start again because of it. I don't want kids right this second but I could see myself wanting them in my early to mid 30s. I feel like I'm risking throwing away what is otherwise a good life with someone I love for something that's not going to be a priority for a while. However, I would never marry someone who didn't want to start a family with me or at least want the same things I did in that area so where does that leave us in the meantime, what are we even working towards anymore? I'm so confused.

I feel like I've been thrown a curveball here. Please give me your advice. Do I wait it out and if so how long do I wait and what do I wait for? Am I overreacting and this should be a problem for another time? The fact he said he's 30/70 in favour of not having kids feels like a huge mountain to overcome. Or do I cut my losses now and deal with the heartbreak sooner rather than later?

What you do now is, you believe him, and make some decisions on the back of what he's telling you now, not what you hope the situation might possibly be in the future.

70% no is shit odds and I'd say that the 30% is to keep you hooked for a slow drawn out exit. If you definitely want children and he's not enough to keep you interested without them, then you know what you need to do. You're young and have time. Get out there, don't sit around waiting for this one man to hopefully change his mind. He won't.

I wouldn't recommend an ultimatum. If he doesn't want children he doesn't want children. Someone saying "I'm setting a timeline for you to change your mind" is either going to result in him lying to keep you and then having kids he isn't committed about or lying to keep you until it's too late for you to have the children you want.

He doesn't want children. As PPs have said, if he isn't a definite yes then he's really saying no. Move on. Sad though it is.

He has as much intention of having children as I have about taking up mountaineering (and I'm scared of heights). Don't listen to any 30-70 rubbish as he is just stringing you along. If you leave now, you have plenty of time to find somebody else without it being a dreadful panicked rush. The fact that at 40 he struggles to cope with a dog makes me think he wouldn't be much good as a father either. If you did strong arm him into it, I can see you being left to do most of the childcare - like you do with the dog.

My husband told me when we were going out he didn't think he wanted children. I told him that it was a deal breaker for me. He said instantly said that he'd rather have me and children than no me and no children. He has been a great dad but he never strung me along or warbled on about percentages (even though he is a a statistician). He has never said " but you were the one who wanted children" when they were particularly difficult.

I think you tell him that you 100% want kids by the time your (insert age) and that if he doesn't the best thing for both of you is to go your separate ways. If he can't say he will have kids and has to wait and see that isn't good enough. It needs to be a yes or no. To be honest from what he has said I would cut my losses now because from what he's said it doesn't sound like he wants children. I feel like he might say something vague that gives you hope and then he'll decide that he definitely doesn't want kids.

He's thrown you this curveball, then left YOU to 'deal with it' / make any 'decision' about the relationship based on his 'new stance'.

So now YOU need to be the one who throws it right back at HIM !

Simply say 'I hear what you've said about you now maybe not wanting kids in the future, and I need you to hear me too. I 100% DO want children, and marriage, sometime within the next 5 or so years, and I am 100% NON negotiable about this, so if you still feel 'unsure', then we don't have the same future 'vision' of our lives, and there would be no point in continuing this relationship when it doesn't have a 'future' either of us actually wants.'

Then agree to have a think for a couple of days, and plan to have another chat for a 'decision'.

This is NOT to 'blackmail' him, or to 'pressure' him. It's simply to be 100% honest and upfront about what YOU want, and the future YOU want to happen.

Men are quite happy to tell women what they do/don't/might want from a 'relationship' etc, and I never understand why so many women tie themselves in bloody knots trying to 'understand' and not 'pressure' their partners, instead of simply being 100% upfront and factual about what their visions/dreams/hopes etc actually ARE !

Don't 'settle', and don't keep going in a relationship because you 'hope' he'll change his mind, because there's only heartbreak, frustration and the 'sunken costs' fallacy that way. The ONLY way to get the 'future' YOU want, is to fight for it !

You have a tough decision to make, do you love him enough to not have children and be happy with your decision or do you give up on the relationship and find someone who loves you and has the same outlook on life as you?

It’s a real tough decision, for me having children was important so if dh didn’t have the same outlook then I would have had to have left whereas a friend was happy to focus on her career and the luxurious life of magnificent holiday, etc.

Thing is - he’s got a lot longer than you have. I know couples where he’s 20 years older than the new wife (30s) and they have kids, via ivf. The bloke ditches the long term gf when she’s 40 and starts over. Easy for him, with his ‘get up and go’.

If you want Kids then you need to find a new relationship. He’s been really clear, he doesn’t even want the dog that much. At 40 he knows what is involved and he is not bothered.

This.

I've been in your shoes. My (now) exH was all "yeah I want kids" which morphed to "I guess it would be ok" which gave way to "I'm not sure it's for us" type conversations. I was 31 when I finally left (he was 39). I thought it was nerves or apprehension but the reality was he lied for 10 years and had no intention of having a family.

It's so hard because you want to see the positives. You cling to the "well it's not an outright no!".

If I could offer myself any advice it would have been to leave sooner (but then maybe I wouldn't have met my partner 🤔...). I'm now expecting our first but getting pregnant has not been easy (I'm now 35 going on 36).

You need to decide what you want more. I knew in every fibre of my being I wanted a child, but as time moved on I resented the excuses and "reasoning" why trying was a bad idea. It massively intensified after getting married (people will ask you when are you going to have a family) and it hurt that my exH was not on board.

Xx

At nearly 40 he should know if he wants kids or not. I'm afraid he does know but is not being completely honest with you.

You need to decide if you are going to be happy never having children.

Is he enough, on his own, for you to be satisfied for the rest of your life?

For me I know that having children was what I wanted and a non negotiable part of our relationship. I would not have felt complete without my children.

It's going to be hard but you need to decide now.

At 28 you do have time to start again and find a partner who wants the same future as you. If you delay there may well be no going back.

What do you do now? You make plans to leave.

30% is high enough to give you hope and to stay and low enough for him to say I told you so when he doesn’t change his mind.

Kids are a huuuuge responsibility and he’s made it quite clear that he doesn’t want the responsibility.

I’d end it.

He doesn’t want kids. He doesn’t want marriage.

These things only came up because you raised them so he gets no points for honesty from me. If he had changed his mind he should have let you know without you needing to ask about how he saw the future.
He is stringing you along with the 30-70 thing because he doesn’t want the relationship to end. It’s also a way to set things up so that if you fall pregnant accidentally, all the work and adjustments to life will be on you because he wasn’t sure he wanted kids. You wouldn’t be parenting as a team, he wouldn’t support you and he will be a crap dad. Don’t do that to a child.
Dont let him string you along and potentially lose your chance of having children for his own comfort and selfish reasons. A decent guy would get truly honest with you and end things because they would not want you to sacrifice your life long dreams for his vague notions of wanting adventure.

I'd never have given up the chance to have children for a man. He could be gone tomorrow, next week, next year or 10 or 20 years from now and you'll have given up the most precious experience for what? A few memories, holiday Knick knacks that will get stuck in a drawer and a load of deleted social media photos.

If he'd have wanted kids he wouldn't now be on the cusp of 40 without any

Your relationship is over. Take the dog and leave. The good thing is that you are on the right side of 30 to start over with someone who does want what you want

How much does he do in terms of responsibility for the dog, he will be that involved with the children - happy to play with them a bit but it will be you getting up at 5am.

Yes you could delay a year or two, but what if you miss out on someone else in that time who is right for you and does want children.

He doesn't want children. If you do, then end it now and give yourself time to find someone else who wants the same future as you. This man is ultimately very much wrapped up in himself and his needs. He doesn't sound father material at all.

Don't be that women that ends up with no children when she really wanted them, just because some guy kept telling her maybe next year.

I know some many women like this unfortunately.

He is a 40 year old grown ass adult, he knows his own mind at this stage and needs to stop pretending otherwise. He very clearly doesn't want children. He just would prefer if you were in agreement with him.

You are at any age where if you leave now, you still have plenty of time to meet someone who is on the same page as you. Every year you wait, the more difficult it will get.

He's very good with the dog. He does get up at 5am and sort him out if needs be (I'm a stupidly heavy sleeper so on more than a few occasions he's been up with him in the night) and walk him before work and when we took him to pup classes he was always there. I don't mean to give anyone the impression he's uncaring when it comes to his share of the responsibilities but yes he says mentally he finds the dog hard work and I worry that if the dog is hard work how would that translate to other responsibilities? It's a shame because he's a caring person and works hard to ensure I'm not left to deal with everything by myself but this has me a little freaked .

He is actually being realistic about what a child entails and is being honest with you that it’s probably not for him.

Be grateful for the honesty - many men would keep saying “next year” in his shoes.

If he feels this way at nearly 40, and having had the dog experience and seen friends having DC, it seems like a well thought through view. I reckon it’s very unlikely his views will change. If anything they are likely to firm up in favour of not having kids.

Maybe he’ll have a change of heart and feel ready in his 50s, who knows, but that’s too late for you.

It’s not what you wanted but at least he is giving you the option to get out now if you do want a family. And it sounds like you do.

He's future faking to keep you sweet.
If you stay be prepared not to ever have children.
It's tough. But I think he'll string you along.

I stayed with someone for longer than I should hoping he'd change his mind - he didn't and I wasted previous years on someone that I ultimately didn't have a future with.

Ending things with him now will be awful for you - but it won't be any less awful in a year or two years. The only thing is is you'll be under a lot more pressure time wise. As hard as it is, I think you should leave the relationship sooner rather than later. Find someone who is 100% they want marriage and children. Not someone who is happy to string you along.

Like I said I think it's thrown me to go from, "yes I want this too" to "I only kind of want this."
The next step is inevitably "I don't want this". Cut your losses now, he won't change his mind on a 70/30 and you don't have time to hang on his line for years until he finally lets you know for sure.

He’s wasting your time. He’s 40, fgs.

Don’t waste five years with him waiting for him to change his mind and be left single and on a fertility panic in your mid thirties.

He’s telling you no. I wouldn’t wait, plenty of men out there.

Have a h2h with his ex if you are friends with her. That’ll inform you one way or the other.

I loved my high school sweetheart madly, but after over five years of dating, he told me he never wanted to get married or have children. I knew that if we stayed together, one of us would be very unhappy, and I wanted kids. So, we broke up then and there. By a twist of fate, we rekindled after my kids were mostly grown and my DH1 and I had split, and, as he had said, he had never married and never had children. Believe him what he tells you and don’t try to turn it into what you want to hear. Everything happens the way it’s meant to, but if children are non-negotiable for you, as they were for me, then make the split sooner, not later.