My BF says he's not sure he wants kids anymore

[NYAM123]

I need to talk to someone about this or I might burst! Sorry for what's about to come but I'm not sure how else I can process this right now.

My boyfriend (M39, soon to be 40) and I (F28, soon to be 29) have been together for almost 2 years now. We dated casually a bit beforehand so we've known each other for 2-3 years. When we started dating we had a fairly thorough talk about what we wanted and both agreed we'd like a relationship that would turn into marriage and kids.

We've lived together for a year and we got a dog in November. While we both love him, a few times my partner's mentioned that he finds looking after the dog challenging and that some days he just doesn't have capacity. We manage just fine between us. He works in an office whereas I WFH, so at least three days of the week it's me and doggo at home all day whereas the other four my partner is home too, but overall I would say I get more one-on-one time with the dog and I'm fine with that as he's the dog I always wanted to get. I know a dog is not the same as a child but to me it's a taste of committing to putting someone else first and you can't just go out all day and night without making sure the dog is sorted.

A few weeks ago we went away for the weekend and were chit chatting one evening. I asked him where he saw himself in five years time. He told me he didn't know. I asked again if he thought he'd be in the same job or married and have kids or would do more travelling and he said again that he didn't know, he "hadn't thought about it", then he said it: he had changed his mind somewhat on wanting kids and wasn't so sure anymore it was what he wanted. I asked him how much he wanted it vs didn't want it and he said it was 30/70 in favour of not. I was absolutely bowled over.

Since he dropped that on me we've had multiple conversations about it. He says he doesn't feel we're in the best place to have a child right now (which I agree with and I don't want children right now) and that he's worried that if he had them, he wouldn't be mentally capable of the lack of sleep and freedom and constant changes and worries. He says he wants to go out and do things with his life, for it to be all about the adventure. Three of his best friends are all having kids, two of them are having their second next year but he says he doesn't see them particularly happy for having had them compared to his friends who are not married and not having kids and just living with their long term partners. He suffers with anxiety and is currently undergoing assessments for ADD so I can see that his mental health is a major concern and support that he shouldn't do anything he doesn't want to do. For as long as we've been dating he's regularly gone to therapy and works on keeping tabs on his anxiety, so it's not a new thing that's developed but obviously is an important factor.

But here's the thing. What the eff, do I do now? We could stay together for five years and it not be a problem but then I risk ending up in a situation where I'm 33/34 and he still doesn't really want kids and I have to start again because of it. I don't want kids right this second but I could see myself wanting them in my early to mid 30s. I feel like I'm risking throwing away what is otherwise a good life with someone I love for something that's not going to be a priority for a while. However, I would never marry someone who didn't want to start a family with me or at least want the same things I did in that area so where does that leave us in the meantime, what are we even working towards anymore? I'm so confused.

I feel like I've been thrown a curveball here. Please give me your advice. Do I wait it out and if so how long do I wait and what do I wait for? Am I overreacting and this should be a problem for another time? The fact he said he's 30/70 in favour of not having kids feels like a huge mountain to overcome. Or do I cut my losses now and deal with the heartbreak sooner rather than later?

I did that same thing. Had a 7 year relationship with a lovely man ended with me at 34 years old desperately wanting a child and him saying he definitely does not want any. Absolutely awful and soul destroying.

Massive time waster. Dump him.

He's nearly 40, he would be ready to commit to the idea by now if he wanted kids. He's not, and that's absolutely fair enough.
If you definitely want children I would move on as it could take years to meet someone and conceive.

If you're also a 'go go go' person who's not so into staying at home, how do you see a child fitting into your life? Are you thinking you'll be happy to settle down a bit more once you're at the stage of having a baby, or are you hoping to continue in the same vein but now plus child? I'm asking because it seems like you both value similar things, and yet it's causing him to be spooked by the idea of having kids but not you. If you want to discuss it further with him I think maybe you need to figure out the reason for the difference.

Yeah sorry OP, but if you're reasonably certain you want children in the future, then you should end it.

Giving him deadlines etc. isn't going to work, at best he'll tell you clearly then that he doesn't want them, at worst he'll muddy up the waters and string you along for a while longer. I wouldn't want to have kids with someone who wasn't 100% as committed as I was.

He doesn't want them and it's fine, it's a legitimate choice, but it does mean you want different things in life and aren't compatible. At 40 he should know what he wants and whether that involves children, and I wouldn't be massively impressed with how little he has his own life figured out (all the "haven't thought about the future" is either immature or downright deceitful).

He can be a lovely person in other aspects, but if it's a dealbreaker then it is a dealbreaker.

Personally I wouldn't give up or even risk the chance to have children for a relationship that could break down anytime down the line. A friend of mine gave up having children to stay with a man who didn't want more (he already had one dc from a previous relationship). He ended up dying tragically at a young age. My friend was near 39 when it happened. She ended up without children and without the relationship. I'm not blaming the man in this scenario - he was upfront and honest about what he wanted and my friend made her own decisions. But sacrificing children to keep the relationship rarely ends well.

I’ve been in your shoes op so perhaps my advice is biased but I will tell you what happened to me.

I got with my ex at 27 and same as you was open from the beginning that I wanted marriage and children although I didn’t want children til my thirties. My ex claimed he wanted this too. I then got to 32 and he started saying he wasn’t sure. This dragged on for a year. I started considering whether I needed children - why throw away a relationship I was happy in with a man I fully loved and trusted for a chance with someone else and no guarantee?

Well sadly, during all this ‘not sure’ and stringing me along he was lining up the 27 year old he cheated with. He’s just repeating the same process he did with me. I never saw him being the type to cheat, ever. But maybe it’s a blessing as I’m 34 now and there may still be time to meet someone and get married and have a family, hopefully. Better than if he’d strung me along even longer but I am worried it won’t happen for me now.

Basically, please don’t be me op. This man is nearly 40. He DOES know how he feels. As a pp said, 30% is enough to keep you hoping but low enough that when he still doesn’t want them he can claim he did tell you. Good luck.

If you want kids sack this relationship off. Don’t waste your child rearing years in limbo.

I'm very aware that to have kids means to give the things up and not be 'go, go, go', at least at that time, which is why now is not the time for it but I'd like a few years to get ahead in my career and do things, girly holidays, couple holidays, lazy Sundays etc. At his age he's had the time to do this and I'd be thinking about what comes next, as it is I'm still in that stage of being selfish and so is he but my window for doing so is. a lot shorter than his is.

I would never marry someone who didn't want to start a family with me or at least want the same things I did in that area

I think I would ask him to be honest with you and give you the chance to end it and have children with someone who wants them if he doesn't. Not that he probably will be honest, though.

He hasn't gone from sure to not sure BTW @NYAM123 . He's gone from supposedly sure to (at least) pretty sure he doesn't.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. What a total bell* your ex was to do that to you. No one deserves that. I can only imagine how angry and robbed you must have felt.

I sincerely hope you find someone who can give you the future you want. I don't believe him to be the type to cheat, but who really knows what will happen?

I don't want to be strung along and I think he knows that too. He's said he's working on figuring things out and I don't have the balls to hang around and wait years but it just seems like such a big decision. I love my career and I do it every day with passion so if I can be okay with giving that up then my partner should be supportive and committed to doing it too.

Thanks OP. I really hope things work out for you whether that be with him or finding the strength to leave and start again. I don’t want anyone else to have their time, and precious fertile years, wasted like I did. Don’t be passive and allow too much time to pass (although it doesn’t sound like you are). Sadly we see too many stories like mine shared on MN!

Honestly he’s not working on figuring things out. He’s 40 not 18. He knows.

The dog was him hoping it would be one a substitute

He’s 40. He is unlikely to want children in the future if he’s got to this age without wanting them. In the back of his mind is that he’ll possibly be in his 60s before any children get to adulthood.

You must listen to what he has said over and over again, and believe him.

A)This man is not going to give you babies. You are not going to be parents together.

B) it sounds as if he doesn't see any longterm future with you. He has other priorities of his own. They don't match yours.

You have to get your head round that.

I think that at his age and two years into a serious relationship, a 70% chance of not wanting kids is a really bad sign. Sorry OP

I say do yourself a favour and leave this time-waster, hes lying to you ultimately.

Exactly. He knows full well he's never getting married and he's never having kids.

He's almost 40. He can't even look after a dog. He ain't gonna change his mind, sorry op. I'd cut my losses.

This. But at 40 you should really be able to decide.... I would be worried about his health tbh so you need to listen to him. If a dog is too much well ....

“Working on figuring things out” is a total crock of shit. There isn’t anything to work out. It’s not a fucking plan to design and build a new city - it’s either he wants a child or not. He’s been an adult for 2 decades, apparently.

If he’s 40 and still “figuring things out” when there isn’t anything to figure out, you should get rid. You sound decent, honest and straightforward. He sounds like a 13 year old who likes you being his mummy whilst he is indecisive and self centred. If he can’t even be assed with the work of a dog, he’s going to make a useless father.

When you are a bit older, you will find it hard to love someone who is not an equal partner and who cannot just be straight with you.

He's certainly stringing you along, OP.

And I'd be binning him off now, personally. Your fertile years are numbered now, and at 40, frankly, The rate of Down syndrome for both maternal and paternal age greater than 40 years is approximately 60 per 10,000 births, which is a six-fold increase he is not a good bet for a trouble-free conception and birth, either.

https://www.nyp.org/news/male-biological-clock-may-be-ticking-for-down-syndrome-in

I think a relationship where both parties don’t share the same vision for it is always a little problematic. That’s kind of part of the point of relationships, working to achieve something together. The problem here is it’s coming up to crunch time for you and he must be able to see that too. He generally sounds quite self aware. What does he expect you to do with this information? If he wants to stay with you, then he’s going to need to rethink. If the kids are a non negotiable he actually needs to let you go.

I note that you've been together/known each other for 2-3 years, but there's not mention of marriage? Just straight from relationship into having children?

If he went into this relationship with a sort of 'Well, she'll do' and 'I suppose I have to settle down at one point' sort of attitude, then he's seriously being tested now.

He was about 36 when you first met, and you were only 25. That's a big age gap OP and a big difference in life situations. Some flaky, non-commited men go for younger women because they think it'll buy them time before they have to have 'The Talk'. They string them along with future-faking...and then when the time finally comes to make a decision, they suddenly get cold feet and 'have to think things through', or they keep delaying and keep saying 'next year' until the poor woman has run out of time.

I know what it's like to be on the fence regarding children or not be keen on the idea, so I'm not unsympathetic for how confusing and distressing that can be. However, I think you have to consider the possibility of either a) He doesn't want children, maybe he never really did, or b) He just doesn't want to have children with you because you are Ms Good-Enough-for-Now or c) He'll always be confused or have mixed feelings about this topic and that will never change.

He's almost 40. If he really wanted children with you, you wouldn't be going through this.