Is this abusive?

[MilliwaysUniverse]

I've nc for this, I have really bad anxiety and worry that I'm overreacting but don't want to be identified.

I've been with my DP for 7 months. We don't live together or even in the same city, I have an adult DC and he has one adult and one teen. He's just signed the final papers for his divorce before court grants the decree absolute. I'm widowed. We met after his divorce started.

He has a temper, but has only directed it at me once. He has apologised for that and I know he regrets what he says - he has adhd so his emotional dysregulation is part and parcel of his neurodiversity. He rarely wants sex, but tells me he loves me for everything that I am, not my body but the whole package.

He's very affectionate with me, holds my hand everywhere, has introduced me to lots of people in his life as his partner.

What worries me is that he can be very blunt, and I don't know if it's abusive or just him pointing stuff out. Like he thinks I'm self sabotaging by putting extra cheese on pizza, because I'm overweight and it's a bad choice. He got me to stop biting my nails because he likes them a bit longer. He bought me a hair removing device as a gift. He has introduced me to weed as a way to combat my panic attacks. My mum thinks he's controlling, but I don't think he is - he encourages me to go out without him, we only see each other once a week generally due to work commitments and geography, and when we are together he is lovely most of the time. I just think he can be a bit critical. We have only had one argument and I felt free to voice my frustration and tell him he was being an arsehole, there was no problem after we made up, he's not offended, he owns his shit and admitted I was right. So it could be that blunt criticism is what he actually responds to, and because he does, he thinks everyone does. So it's not abusive, it's just different communication styles?

I love him and can see a future together with him. I feel self conscious about my weight but I always have. My late DH never commented on it so in a way it's refreshing to be able to talk about it, I just watch what I eat around him now.

We have a very open way of communication where nothing is taboo, so maybe this is part and parcel of that? Am I being blinded by the attention? Sorry this is so long!

It wouldn’t work for me. Why aren’t you listening to your mum? He’s controlling what you eat by making you change what you have in front of him, he’s trying to control your body through that and by telling you to remove body hair, he’s stopped you bit

Rarely wants sex but buys you something to remove body hair. Yes, he's controlling.

This is a massive red flag: He has introduced me to weed as a way to combat my panic attacks.

And what did he do when he lost his temper with you? He has a temper, but has only directed it at me once.

He sounds at best a rubbish partner who criticises you, is controlling in some ways and has introduced you to drugs.

At worst he's a nasty bastard just warming up.

Sorry. Have you started smoking weed because he does or has he just suggested it? It’s a terrible mix with existing anxiety! Are you usually very naive and trusting?

You’ve been together a matter of months and he’s trying to completely change you are. When he’s only seeing you once a week… Imagine what he’d be able to do to you if you lived together, you wouldn’t recognise yourself.

And you rarely have sex.

Unless you’re terrified to be on your own and think any man is better than no man I’m not sure why you think this a relationship worthy of you. Do you? Really?

You love him? After 7 months? He sounds like a horrible cunt. Why don’t you think you can do better?

I just watch what I eat around him now.

OP this isn't what a healthy relationship dynamic looks like 😞

Drugs? Weed is a drug regardless of it's 'properties'..
Get the fuck away op.

Rarely wants sex and is controlling?

No thanks.

Red flags I'm afraid, he introduces you to everyone as in his mind you are his property. You have grown your nails because he wants you to - this is not your choice OP

I was in a controlled relationship - 8mths in the guy was telling me who to talk to, what to wear and to not wear contact lenses .... he preferred me in glasses. Reason being no one would look twice at me in glasses.

Thankfully I saw the light and got out

Think of yourself OP not of what he wants you to do

He doesn’t get to tell you what to eat.
Or what to do with your body hair
Or how long your nails should be.
And I don’t know where to start with the stupid fucking idea of taking weed to combat anxiety. Seriously shit idea. Is he a stoner?
No wonder he’s divorced. Don’t be next.

Listen to your mum.

Your mum is right

Fucking hell I've been married almost thirty years and I'd walk if DH pulled any of those huge red flags he's displaying. Listen to your mum and get out before you have any real connections to him. He isn't your partner, just some random dickhead who thinks he can control you.

I presume you met this predator aka the Loser online. Read this article called the Loser

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

This individual is dangerous and has more red flags about him than are present in a Communist Party Committee meeting!.

He targeted you and deliberately so because you were particularly vulnerable after your husband died. Its not your fault you were charmed and flattered by him; these men are absolute master manipulators and know how to charm women into doing what they want them to do by degrees.

Your late husband probably never talked about your weight because it was not an issue in his eyes.

This man who is still not divorced (and there are good reasons why he is divorced too, he's behaved the same with her) has honed in on your insecurities re weight and appearance and made them a damn sight worse. He's now got you using weed for anxiety (does he buy this for you?) and this is only after meeting him once a week for the past 7 months. You still hardly know him and he's done this and far more besides already!!. Are you also confusing love with codependency here; his needs are not more important than your own here.

Your mother is right; controlling behaviour like he is showing you is rooted in abuse. You need to end this relationship and asap before he destroys you from the inside out mentally as well as physically.

When we met I was very lonely, he has expanded my social circle dramatically, any friend of his is a friend of mine and I am so much more confident now.

The sex is a bit sad, to be fair we have only managed a couple of holidays and a weekend a month away because we can't go to each other's houses. He has his own place now so I am hoping that will improve. We had sex in the car once and decided we definitely needed a bed! The hair removal thing is about hair on my face due to PCOS. He's not expecting me to use it on my fanny.

I hadn't smoked weed before, my DH was very anti drugs and the one time I was offered it, he threatened the man that if i was ever offered drugs again, he would not be responsible for his actions. My DH was very mild mannered generally, the complete opposite of my new DP, who is impulsive and generous and always on the go. I haven't had a panic attack in a month so I don't think I can dismiss it as not helping.

My DP knows I want to lose weight and agreed to be supportive. His view is that by pointing things out, it's supporting me to make better choices. So I'm conflicted on whether this is controlling - isn't it just doing what I asked him to?

My mum is biased against anyone I date because she thinks 4 years is not long enough after my DH's death to be dating. She hasn't met him and refuses to.

And yes, I do love him. He's clever, really entertaining, loves nature and humours my love of books by taking me to lovely bookshops on every date. He makes me feel like I'm living again instead of existing like I have for the last 4 years. We talk about everything, there's no game playing, we have a whimsical in joke that we talk about quite a bit when we are talking between dates. He's so romantic, he brought candles and a telescope on holiday so we could stargaze by candle light. It sounds silly but it's like our hearts connected when we weren't paying attention. We didn't mean to fall in love, we had strict parameters from before we even met, and we broke those rules on our first date.

He has a temper, but has only directed it at me once. He has apologised for that and I know he regrets what he says

What did he say / do to you when he lost his temper OP?

@wellhelloitsme he shouted at me to do something because I had been in the shop for longer than anticipated. I shouted back that I wouldn't accept being ordered about. We argued about me being ages in the shop for a few minutes, he then offered the olive branch and apologised. I told him he had been an arsehole and he agreed. I never felt at risk of harm. I've been in an abusive relationship before and I wouldn't have dared to argue back or even react. With my new DP I am myself and don't step on eggshells.

With my new DP I am myself and don't step on eggshells.

With respect OP, you're not even eating what you want to eat around him.

I don't think he's as nice as you think he is.

And I think you should listen to the niggling voice that made you post on here and the voice of your mum who knows you very well.

he shouted at me to do something because I had been in the shop for longer than anticipated.

We argued about me being ages in the shop for a few minutes, he then offered the olive branch and apologised. I told him he had been an arsehole and he agreed.

Shouting at another adult because they took longer than you thought they would at the shop is batshit at best and abusive at worst.

A lot of this is control OP.

Hair removal - you didn't ask for it, he bought you something to remove hair from your body.

Diet - he has made you self conscious about what you eat to the point you now don't eat what you want to in front of him.

Drugs - he has introduced you to a drug to 'help with anxiety' despite the fact that for many people with anxiety, it exacerbates it either every time or sometimes.

Nails - he tells you to stop biting them because he likes them longer. He's not your dad and you're not a child.

All of this and he 'rarely' wants sex, seven months in...

This isn't what a healthy relationship looks like I'm afraid.

"My DP knows I want to lose weight and agreed to be supportive. His view is that by pointing things out, it's supporting me to make better choices. So I'm conflicted on whether this is controlling - isn't it just doing what I asked him to?"

In a word no. Its not up to him to tell you what to eat. I would think if you told him not to put more cheese on his pizza he'd feel quite affronted by your remark.

PCOS is a very individualistic disorder that affects each woman with it very differently. What he is doing here to you is all part and parcel of the manipulation under the guise of supporting you.

He is your charming and dangerous lover and a man at that who is playing you here like a violin. He is a despicable human being who targeted you because you were lonely; he likely played on that too. Now he has you thinking that his friends are your friends too; the man is truly despicable.

You say you love him but do you honestly know what love is or even what a mutually respectful relationship is like?. I do not think you do because no-one ever bothered to show you one of those is. What you describe is certainly not it what he is doing here to you is not loving you; you're being used by him for his own ends. Its no star crossed lovers tale BS, you need to take the rose tinted glasses off.

OP - why have you posted if everything is rosy between you !?!?

I can also see why he likes you; he likes supposedly "strong" women with little to no real self esteem who think they can assert themselves. Such types see women like you as an additional challenge to bring down. And indeed he is bringing you down in other ways. The hair removing tool he's brought you being just one example. His behaviour when standing outside the bookstore is another. Its all about control and over time you won't recognise yourself let alone know which way is up.

Your boundaries here, already skewed by previous abuse, are being further skewered by this man now. You've basically gone from one abusive relationship to yet another, albeit of a different stripe, but abusive all the same. Abuse like this as well takes time, years even, to recover from and you're still very much in the thick of it.

Right. Well it’s all obviously absolutely fine and romantic and the two of you will head off into the sunset to live happily ever after.

As long as you change your face and body and stay hooked on the weed and hardly ever have sex.

MN will be here for you if it all falls apart.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I was married for a long time and was so happy. We had a mutually respectful and loving relationship. I have also had an abusive relationship where I was controlled to the point of not being allowed to leave the house alone. My new relationship is nothing like this. Or even like the start of my relationship with my awful ex.

I'm not desperately clinging on because of loneliness, because I'm not lonely any more, I have a circle of friends in my workplace, who I socialise with, and friends in the community. Meeting so many of his friends helped me with my social anxiety so I summoned the courage to instigate friendships in my local area. All of the things he nudges me about, are things that I want to change about myself and have wanted to for a long time.

He is very good looking, and I feel very lucky to be at his side. Neither of us want to get married again or live together, so I have no worries about losing any assets. I'm surprised that so many people think his behaviour is abusive and not just forthright ☹️

Is he using sex as a weapon to control you? If you lose weight and get rid of facial hair, will you have more sex? Your relationship sounds unhealthy, op. I don’t think he’s going to make you happy.

My thoughts exactly! She's in such denial it's quite scary!

OP - you've posted for a reason and you have to listen to the comments!

Please dump him. So many red flags here, and that you've come onto a public forum to ask the questions suggests that underneath all the justifications, you are uneasy too.