Is this abusive?

[MilliwaysUniverse]

I've nc for this, I have really bad anxiety and worry that I'm overreacting but don't want to be identified.

I've been with my DP for 7 months. We don't live together or even in the same city, I have an adult DC and he has one adult and one teen. He's just signed the final papers for his divorce before court grants the decree absolute. I'm widowed. We met after his divorce started.

He has a temper, but has only directed it at me once. He has apologised for that and I know he regrets what he says - he has adhd so his emotional dysregulation is part and parcel of his neurodiversity. He rarely wants sex, but tells me he loves me for everything that I am, not my body but the whole package.

He's very affectionate with me, holds my hand everywhere, has introduced me to lots of people in his life as his partner.

What worries me is that he can be very blunt, and I don't know if it's abusive or just him pointing stuff out. Like he thinks I'm self sabotaging by putting extra cheese on pizza, because I'm overweight and it's a bad choice. He got me to stop biting my nails because he likes them a bit longer. He bought me a hair removing device as a gift. He has introduced me to weed as a way to combat my panic attacks. My mum thinks he's controlling, but I don't think he is - he encourages me to go out without him, we only see each other once a week generally due to work commitments and geography, and when we are together he is lovely most of the time. I just think he can be a bit critical. We have only had one argument and I felt free to voice my frustration and tell him he was being an arsehole, there was no problem after we made up, he's not offended, he owns his shit and admitted I was right. So it could be that blunt criticism is what he actually responds to, and because he does, he thinks everyone does. So it's not abusive, it's just different communication styles?

I love him and can see a future together with him. I feel self conscious about my weight but I always have. My late DH never commented on it so in a way it's refreshing to be able to talk about it, I just watch what I eat around him now.

We have a very open way of communication where nothing is taboo, so maybe this is part and parcel of that? Am I being blinded by the attention? Sorry this is so long!

I typed a long response, but the short answer is I think temper losses and the self improvement talks will ramp up if/when you start seeing each other more often.

Have you been away on holiday for a week or a fortnight together?

It's up to you. He wouldn't be a good partner for me. My standards are rightly high. If you like him carry on. But I think you could probably do a lot better. Life is short.

How would he respond if you suddenly started not picking at the way he looks?

'Here's a nasal hair trimmer as a present' or 'I think that blue shirt makes you look old, wear the black one'.

I doubt he'd like it! Having ADHD is not a licence to be mean and rude.

My husband has the same way with words. I’m able to cope with this as I’m same, plus, I’m able to tell him if his words have hurt me and he’ll make an effort to make amends. We understand that we both have this weak point but the positives of our relationship outweigh the negatives.

Im also aware that if I need to have my emotional needs met on a deeper level it won’t be via my husband so I’ve developed other support networks for this.

In ten years I've never seen my DP lose his temper once. And neither have I.

Your bloke is permanently stoned when you are together, but he still manages to lose his temper twice in 26 weeks when you don't see him every day?