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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this abusive?

105 replies

MilliwaysUniverse · 30/07/2022 20:33

I've nc for this, I have really bad anxiety and worry that I'm overreacting but don't want to be identified.

I've been with my DP for 7 months. We don't live together or even in the same city, I have an adult DC and he has one adult and one teen. He's just signed the final papers for his divorce before court grants the decree absolute. I'm widowed. We met after his divorce started.

He has a temper, but has only directed it at me once. He has apologised for that and I know he regrets what he says - he has adhd so his emotional dysregulation is part and parcel of his neurodiversity. He rarely wants sex, but tells me he loves me for everything that I am, not my body but the whole package.

He's very affectionate with me, holds my hand everywhere, has introduced me to lots of people in his life as his partner.

What worries me is that he can be very blunt, and I don't know if it's abusive or just him pointing stuff out. Like he thinks I'm self sabotaging by putting extra cheese on pizza, because I'm overweight and it's a bad choice. He got me to stop biting my nails because he likes them a bit longer. He bought me a hair removing device as a gift. He has introduced me to weed as a way to combat my panic attacks. My mum thinks he's controlling, but I don't think he is - he encourages me to go out without him, we only see each other once a week generally due to work commitments and geography, and when we are together he is lovely most of the time. I just think he can be a bit critical. We have only had one argument and I felt free to voice my frustration and tell him he was being an arsehole, there was no problem after we made up, he's not offended, he owns his shit and admitted I was right. So it could be that blunt criticism is what he actually responds to, and because he does, he thinks everyone does. So it's not abusive, it's just different communication styles?

I love him and can see a future together with him. I feel self conscious about my weight but I always have. My late DH never commented on it so in a way it's refreshing to be able to talk about it, I just watch what I eat around him now.

We have a very open way of communication where nothing is taboo, so maybe this is part and parcel of that? Am I being blinded by the attention? Sorry this is so long!

OP posts:
Original poster
MilliwaysUniverse · 30/07/2022 21:43

@IsThePopeCatholic no, some times we are away we have sex three or four times, other times I've been drunk and he didn't want to have sex if I couldn't consent, or he's had codeine and is sleepy. There's no coercion there, he's never implied more sex if I look a certain way. He isn't even interested in sexy lingerie.

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 30/07/2022 21:46

I'm surprised that so many people think his behaviour is abusive and not just forthright

Genuine question OP as I think you may be feeling a bit defensive (which is natural) - now that everyone has replied saying yes I see red flags and this is at the least an unhealthy relationship dynamic... can you believe that? Or do you still think everything is good and there is nothing to worry about?

Because you posted for a reason, which is probably that a little voice in you is feeling uncomfortable or worried that he might not be good for you.

Are you willing to listen to that voice and your mum and also to those of us who have responded, to at least consider that this might not be a healthy, safe relationship for you to be in?

He's introduced you to drugs and that should have been a big red flag. Do you smoke it together?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/07/2022 21:49

"I have also had an abusive relationship where I was controlled to the point of not being allowed to leave the house alone. My new relationship is nothing like this. Or even like the start of my relationship with my awful ex".

But there are similarities all the same and you cannot and should not deny those. How do you explain away in your head his attitude when he was standing outside the bookstore waiting for you?. How do you explain away his attitude re your eating?. Or he wanting you to have longer nails; its your body and not his. How do you explain your weed taking now; you did not take this drug prior to meeting him. Its going to give you a dependency issue.

Abusers do not all walk around with "abuser" written on their forehead; they can appear to be quite banal and or plausible to those in the outside world. Yet here he is, not even divorced and has already gone online hunting for another victim; this time its you in his firing line. He is going to ramp up the power and control a lot more against you as well to the point you will not know which way is up. This process has already started and is very much ongoing.

Denial is a powerful force OP and you need to wake up to the realities of what he is doing here. Life is really going to hit you between the eyes at some point.

wellhelloitsme · 30/07/2022 21:50

Oh and if he's got ADHD that causes him to have emotional dysregulation then smoking weed really isn't a great idea...

As with other popular substances, cannabis is commonly abused. In fact, the risk of developing cannabis use disorder (CUD), a problematic pattern of cannabis use linked to clinically significant impairment, is twice as high in people with ADHD.

Contrary to popular belief, individuals can be mentally and chemically dependent on and addicted to cannabis. Contemporary marijuana has concentrations of THC higher than historically reported, which exacerbates this. What’s more, the adverse effects of cannabis are especially amplified in people with ADHD.

The increased risk of suicide associated with cannabis use further complicates marijuana among individuals with ADHD, who already face an elevated risk for suicide compared to neurotypical individuals.

wellhelloitsme · 30/07/2022 21:52

wellhelloitsme · 30/07/2022 21:50

Oh and if he's got ADHD that causes him to have emotional dysregulation then smoking weed really isn't a great idea...

As with other popular substances, cannabis is commonly abused. In fact, the risk of developing cannabis use disorder (CUD), a problematic pattern of cannabis use linked to clinically significant impairment, is twice as high in people with ADHD.

Contrary to popular belief, individuals can be mentally and chemically dependent on and addicted to cannabis. Contemporary marijuana has concentrations of THC higher than historically reported, which exacerbates this. What’s more, the adverse effects of cannabis are especially amplified in people with ADHD.

The increased risk of suicide associated with cannabis use further complicates marijuana among individuals with ADHD, who already face an elevated risk for suicide compared to neurotypical individuals.

This info is from a site dedicated to ADD / ADHD featuring lots of information from experts and researchers.

YomAsalYomBasal · 30/07/2022 21:52

Red flags ahooooooyyyy

Original poster
MilliwaysUniverse · 30/07/2022 22:17

I think the reason I posted is because I'm confused. He is brilliant at making me feel motivated and great at my job. He has encouraged me to apply for promotion and was delighted for me when I got it. He is enthusiastic about my part time studies. He encourages me to be a better version of me. But what niggles me is I don't know what is in it for him if he's not being controlling?

His life is solidly middle class and he's sophisticated. I'm from a working class background but am in a middle class environment, he has a different life experience to me.

I am taking the advice on board. He's working away for a few weeks overseas and he's been in contact loads, I'm missing him but I'm also not missing the criticism.

OP posts:
lamaze1 · 30/07/2022 22:27

This stands out "I'm missing him but I'm also not missing the criticism."

wellhelloitsme · 30/07/2022 22:28

He encourages me to be a better version of me.

I appreciate it might be easier to think that but your later sentence sounds like it's much more accurate description of his behaviour:

I'm missing him but I'm also not missing the criticism.

It's seven months in. It's not normal to frequently criticise a partner about their diet, body hair, nails, timetable (the shop thing) and introduce them to drugs.

I think you were pleased to find someone who made you feel excited about life again, and that feeling you had was real.

But it doesn't mean that staying with the person who initially made you feel that way is healthy. At all.

Seven months in, if he's away you should be just missing him. Rather than missing him but not his criticism. His criticism shouldn't be anywhere near frequent enough for you to notice it's not around and be relieved you aren't being criticised.

You deserve to have autonomy. Peaceful autonomy. My abusive ex was romantic, charming, supportive about my work (on paper) but he was also an arsehole who slowly stripped away my confidence.

Abusive people tend to have a veneer of 'good' because if they were the worst parts of themselves all the time, nobody would stay with them.

OP please do listen to your mum and your own niggling doubt, even if you don't want to listen to strangers on the internet.

But hopefully it's telling that everyone has had the same reaction to this guy, which is "nope not a fucking good idea at all".

beastlyslumber · 30/07/2022 22:33

The criticism by itself is enough that I would walk away from this man. It sounds to me like he's love bombing you, being 'perfect', reflecting the kind of partner you wish for. The criticism, control and anger will only start ramping up once he senses you're not going to walk out on him. He's tested out his anger once and you pushed back. But there will be a next time.

Another red flag is that he overstepped your boundaries from the very beginning. A genuinely respectful man would not have done that. The whole 'uncontrollable love' thing is a line that he is spinning you. It's very attractive and powerful. But it's not real.

He does sound controlling, OP. I think you should use this time away from him to really consider what you want in a relationship. Honestly, do you want someone who criticises your personal appearance? Who has a temper? Who doesn't respect boundaries? Who doesn't want to have sex with you?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 30/07/2022 22:45

Why on earth would somebody who wants to support you in losing weight encourage you to start using a drug that causes the Munchies and completely fucks over sexual response and function?

At best, you're a toy for him.

Oh, and by the way, once you inevitably start stepping up on the spliff, you're going to start having whiteys, throw up and start feeling even more anxious/paranoid than you did in the first place.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 30/07/2022 22:45

MilliwaysUniverse · 30/07/2022 21:16

@wellhelloitsme he shouted at me to do something because I had been in the shop for longer than anticipated. I shouted back that I wouldn't accept being ordered about. We argued about me being ages in the shop for a few minutes, he then offered the olive branch and apologised. I told him he had been an arsehole and he agreed. I never felt at risk of harm. I've been in an abusive relationship before and I wouldn't have dared to argue back or even react. With my new DP I am myself and don't step on eggshells.

This is typical of the man I finished with last September after 20 years. He found fault with everything and when I challenged him and stuck up for myself he apologised for "being an arse" saying he knew he was an arse as if it was a get out of jail free card. Then he'd do the same again. I couldn't stand any more of it.

WidgetDigit2022 · 30/07/2022 22:59

Is it possible he's "helping" you with all these physical things because you've said you want to change them?

If you are down on yourself about your weight, it's a natural response for a partner to want to help you change it.

Being overweight is not just detrimental to your mood (as you've said it has been) but will also obviously impact your future health. Maybe he genuinely wants your health to improve - if this is your want?

Either way, it's not for other people of your mum to decide who you should be happy with.

Just make sure that he IS making you happy. And if, at any point you feel less than happy, end it.

Original poster
MilliwaysUniverse · 30/07/2022 23:06

The weed - I don't do it often. Maybe one spliff with him, at the weekend. He smokes constantly. I feel the effects very quickly so am too scared to do more than that, he respects that. The only other time I smoke it is if I am having intrusive thoughts at home in the evening. He shares his with me so I have some at home, I've never bought it and he has indicated he would always share. I like the relaxed feeling and being able to direct my thoughts and memories when I'm high. I can think about my late DH without being upset, because I can choose only the good memories to think about. It might mess with my therapy if I do that more. I'm committed to my counselling and working on myself and my grief. In some ways I am controlling towards him because of trauma with DH, but we are working on that.

OP posts:
WTH · 30/07/2022 23:10

He has a temper, but has only directed it at me once.

Wow… and you’ve known him for barely 7 months, jeeze please don’t put up with this. He sounds like a right nasty POS. Sorry OP, you deserve better.

wellhelloitsme · 30/07/2022 23:11

He smokes constantly.

Oh OP.

On top of everything you've said so far he's also a stoner.

Bloody hell.

I think you really need to reassess this relationship.

Original poster
MilliwaysUniverse · 30/07/2022 23:18

He's a stoner but holds down a steady professional job. It doesn't impair him, I wouldn't know he had smoked weed just by talking to him if I didn't know different.

OP posts:
netflixandnaps · 30/07/2022 23:25

If you feel it's a problem, then it's a problem...... don't let the relationship go any further!

My ex criticised everything down to the questions I asked him! Wasn't 'allowed' to ask questions... hell no! I regret not leaving sooner.

wellhelloitsme · 30/07/2022 23:25

I don't think you're ready to look at this objectively.

Functioning alcoholics who hold down professional jobs are still alcoholics addicted to weed. Addicts don't put other people first.

Stoners who hold down professional jobs are still stoners addicted to weed. Addicts don't put other people first.

He wouldn't choose you over weed.

And you know who alcoholics love? People who drink with them so they enable them rather than challenging them.

Ditto stoners. He's not only made you accept the fact he "smokes constantly" (your words), he's now made you complicit so you won't be able to moan about it when you start realising how shit it is that he's a stoner.

Hardly helping his sex drive either... see below.

Marijuana use can lead to a host of negative sexual health implications, especially for men. The potential long term effects can include decreased or nonexistent sexual pleasure. This can make men not want to enjoy intimate moments with their significant other.

Individuals might not have the same sensations when they’re touched because marijuana dulls the senses. This can lead to frustration in the bedroom because a man might feel aroused but not be able to find any satisfactory relief from the arousal.

In men, the use of marijuana can also lead to a decrease in testosterone levels. They may be unable to conceive children because of a lowered sperm count.

Daily use of marijuana may make it difficult to impossible for a man to reach orgasm during intimate activity. This could be due to a hormone imbalance, which is also associated with the growth of enlarged breasts in men who regularly use marijuana.

Some men experience erectile dysfunction when they use marijuana. This means they can’t get or keep an erection. This can make trying to have intimate relations frustrating for both partners.

Pixiedust1234 · 30/07/2022 23:38

Not sure why you have posted if he's that wonderful and supportive. Oh wait....its your inner voice trying to be heard. Listen to it.

Get off the weed as it can make anxiety worse over time, there's a reason its illegal ffs.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 31/07/2022 00:01

MilliwaysUniverse · 30/07/2022 23:18

He's a stoner but holds down a steady professional job. It doesn't impair him, I wouldn't know he had smoked weed just by talking to him if I didn't know different.

You mean he doesn't stink of the stuff?

Original poster
MilliwaysUniverse · 31/07/2022 00:08

Genuinely no, he doesn't smell of it. He smells of soap and aftershave. You can smell the weed when he opens his tin, but not clinging to him. Maybe it's because he only smokes outdoors?

OP posts:
ChickenBurgers · 31/07/2022 00:11

That’d be a hard pass for me, too many 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

wellhelloitsme · 31/07/2022 00:14

wellhelloitsme · 30/07/2022 23:25

I don't think you're ready to look at this objectively.

Functioning alcoholics who hold down professional jobs are still alcoholics addicted to weed. Addicts don't put other people first.

Stoners who hold down professional jobs are still stoners addicted to weed. Addicts don't put other people first.

He wouldn't choose you over weed.

And you know who alcoholics love? People who drink with them so they enable them rather than challenging them.

Ditto stoners. He's not only made you accept the fact he "smokes constantly" (your words), he's now made you complicit so you won't be able to moan about it when you start realising how shit it is that he's a stoner.

Hardly helping his sex drive either... see below.

Marijuana use can lead to a host of negative sexual health implications, especially for men. The potential long term effects can include decreased or nonexistent sexual pleasure. This can make men not want to enjoy intimate moments with their significant other.

Individuals might not have the same sensations when they’re touched because marijuana dulls the senses. This can lead to frustration in the bedroom because a man might feel aroused but not be able to find any satisfactory relief from the arousal.

In men, the use of marijuana can also lead to a decrease in testosterone levels. They may be unable to conceive children because of a lowered sperm count.

Daily use of marijuana may make it difficult to impossible for a man to reach orgasm during intimate activity. This could be due to a hormone imbalance, which is also associated with the growth of enlarged breasts in men who regularly use marijuana.

Some men experience erectile dysfunction when they use marijuana. This means they can’t get or keep an erection. This can make trying to have intimate relations frustrating for both partners.

Any thoughts on this OP?

You said "he smokes constantly".

This is really important.

Original poster
MilliwaysUniverse · 31/07/2022 00:47

I'm not sure what you want me to say. Yes, the weed may contribute to him not wanting sex. If I'm honest that reassures me because it's not personal if that makes sense. I enjoy sex but prior to meeting him hadn't had sex for 8 years due to DH's illness and then a 4 year period after his death. So occasional, passionate and satisfying sex, is better than no sex.

The sex isn't my main concern really. Or the weed - I don't mind that. It's more the blunt criticisms, which aren't all the time, and are usually if I ask a question so are not unsolicited iyswim. So for example, I asked him if he liked a Disney t shirt I was wearing (which I really liked) and he said he wasn't a fan of Disney clothing on adults. He hadn't said anything about it until I raised the subject.

OP posts:
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