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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this abusive?

105 replies

MilliwaysUniverse · 30/07/2022 20:33

I've nc for this, I have really bad anxiety and worry that I'm overreacting but don't want to be identified.

I've been with my DP for 7 months. We don't live together or even in the same city, I have an adult DC and he has one adult and one teen. He's just signed the final papers for his divorce before court grants the decree absolute. I'm widowed. We met after his divorce started.

He has a temper, but has only directed it at me once. He has apologised for that and I know he regrets what he says - he has adhd so his emotional dysregulation is part and parcel of his neurodiversity. He rarely wants sex, but tells me he loves me for everything that I am, not my body but the whole package.

He's very affectionate with me, holds my hand everywhere, has introduced me to lots of people in his life as his partner.

What worries me is that he can be very blunt, and I don't know if it's abusive or just him pointing stuff out. Like he thinks I'm self sabotaging by putting extra cheese on pizza, because I'm overweight and it's a bad choice. He got me to stop biting my nails because he likes them a bit longer. He bought me a hair removing device as a gift. He has introduced me to weed as a way to combat my panic attacks. My mum thinks he's controlling, but I don't think he is - he encourages me to go out without him, we only see each other once a week generally due to work commitments and geography, and when we are together he is lovely most of the time. I just think he can be a bit critical. We have only had one argument and I felt free to voice my frustration and tell him he was being an arsehole, there was no problem after we made up, he's not offended, he owns his shit and admitted I was right. So it could be that blunt criticism is what he actually responds to, and because he does, he thinks everyone does. So it's not abusive, it's just different communication styles?

I love him and can see a future together with him. I feel self conscious about my weight but I always have. My late DH never commented on it so in a way it's refreshing to be able to talk about it, I just watch what I eat around him now.

We have a very open way of communication where nothing is taboo, so maybe this is part and parcel of that? Am I being blinded by the attention? Sorry this is so long!

OP posts:

wellhelloitsme · 31/07/2022 00:51

He "smokes constantly".

He's addicted to weed.

Relationships with active addicts (of anything) are never healthy.

You don't seem ready to properly take on board the fact that all but one poster has said this guy is really bad news.

Hopefully at some point you will as you sound lovely.

He doesn't. At all.

beastlyslumber · 31/07/2022 10:13

I asked him if he liked a Disney t shirt I was wearing (which I really liked) and he said he wasn't a fan of Disney clothing on adults. He hadn't said anything about it until I raised the subject.

So you are asking for his approval, and he gives his disapproval. That's harsh. Or maybe you're looking for a compliment, but instead he looks down on you. Why does he need to voice his disapproval at all? Why can't he say, "you look lovely." Or even, "well I wouldn't have chosen it, but it looks great on you." Why can't he just be supportive? He sounds like such a knob.

hamdden12 · 31/07/2022 10:23

Enough red flags to make bunting and decorate a village with here.

Ask yourself if you were reading this and another person wrote it what would you think? Sometimes it's easier to see other peoples problems and not your own.

Watchkeys · 31/07/2022 10:32

People in healthy relationships don't question whether their partner's behaviour is abusive.

MakeadealwithGod · 31/07/2022 10:36

You are a grown woman with an adult child and this bloke has got you on weed.

He doesn’t sound very sophisticated or professional.

Watchkeys · 31/07/2022 10:46

I have also had an abusive relationship where I was controlled to the point of not being allowed to leave the house alone

Did you look into/work out why this happened to you? You need to find out before having another relationship. If you had found out, you wouldn't be asking the question you're asking now.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/07/2022 10:58

The weed and sporadic sex aren't the real issues, the real issues are that he's hyper critical, has a 'temper' that he's already directed at you and controls what you eat.
I get that he's exciting and spontaneous and loving but the other side of his coin is abusive and dangerous. Be very wary.

Antigonesaunt · 31/07/2022 11:04

Red flag bunting
Sounds like he's laying the groundwork for thoroughly abusing you down the line
At the moment he's just testing you to see if you're going to be the right victim, I'm afraid

beastlyslumber · 31/07/2022 11:19

At the moment he's just testing you to see if you're going to be the right victim, I'm afraid

Agreed. But this is good news, because it means you can get out now before it's too late.

OldFan · 31/07/2022 11:43

He has introduced me to weed as a way to combat my panic attacks

Hell no OP. Stoners like your boyfriend might think that helps people's mental health, but it really doesn't. Your GP is the one you need to go to for evidence based treatment. If you've been then go again as there are loads of things they can try.

It's not ok for him to pick on your weight/food choices, especially after just 7 months dating.

I have some ADHD and people genuinely can learn to improve how they express their emotions if they try, with therapy ideally but maybe self-help. But abusers will use any supposed mental health problem/neural divergence to excuse being abusive.

OldFan · 31/07/2022 11:47

Even passive smoking and being given an occasional spliff by a boyfriend landed me in hospital with my mental health for the first time.

Weemummykay · 31/07/2022 11:48

My DP knows I want to lose weight and agreed to be supportive. His view is that by pointing things out, it's supporting me to make better choices. So I'm conflicted on whether this is controlling - isn't it just doing what I asked him to?

No op this is controlling you! I put on a lot of weight during 3rd pregnancy and although I have lost some I am still very insecure about my size and although I try to watch what I eat oh always come hom with takeaways. And wen am having a bad day moaning about my size oh tells me to shut up and that I am perfect the way I am.

OldFan · 31/07/2022 11:53

My DP knows I want to lose weight and agreed to be supportive. His view is that by pointing things out, it's supporting me to make better choices.

Sorry I forgot to say- that's what they all say.

pinkyredrose · 31/07/2022 11:56

So many red flags. What is it you love about him? Tbh if you're modifying your behaviour around a partner then they're not the right one for you, you should feel free to be yourself.

Antigonesaunt · 31/07/2022 12:29

Thanks to mumsnet and your women's intuition you have the opportunity to get out before the rot really sets in!

Agreed @beastlyslumber

loveislouderthanwar · 31/07/2022 12:31

I'm not sure what you want OP.

You asked for advice, it's been given in droves and you have replied with praise and excuses for your partner.

I see red flags, I've lived that life...my dad, my ex husband. It's been 7 months and he's still in the love bombing stage, this will end around 9/10 months...come back and post then.

Original poster

MilliwaysUniverse · 31/07/2022 12:49

I'm not intending to excuse him. I'm genuinely trying to figure things out. I'm not unhappy. He makes me feel safe and like a woman, not just a mother or widow. There is undeniable chemistry between us.

However I have been (probably unfairly) comparing him to my DH and his total lack of interest in my weight, diet, appearance, and wondering if he was just incredibly laid back or didn't care, because I have lost lots of weight since he died and am still overweight, or if my new DP is just critical. It's such a different approach.

I can (and do) push back against my DP if I don't want to do something, same as he does with me. We have a very equal say in arranging dates and he is always keen to meet. This is sort of why I'm confused because I do believe he loves me, and don't know whether it's best to talk to him about the criticism or just finish things. I've only ever had two relationships before this one and the abusive one broke me.

I've had a lot of sobering advice and I'm going to think it all through and talk to my therapist. So far she has been of the opinion that he is showing me he is making room for me in his life and I've not done the same, and I need to trust his actions instead of doubting his words. I will talk through the criticism when I see her on Thursday.

OP posts:

wellhelloitsme · 31/07/2022 12:56

Have you honestly told your therapist that he's introduced you to weed and that he "smokes it constantly"?

OldFan · 31/07/2022 12:57

So far she has been of the opinion that he is showing me he is making room for me in his life and I've not done the same, and I need to trust his actions instead of doubting his words.

I think you should find another therapist @MilliwaysUniverse . I don't see how you're making less room for him than he is for you- you're even putting up with this stuff from him.

Abusers will give their target/supply lavish amounts of attention when they feel they need to to keep the target sweet. It doesn't mean that's necessarily a good thing.

And words are actions. Talk like this is not ok.

Jugglingeggs · 31/07/2022 12:59

Yes I would defiantly call him abusive , he’s judging you , your weight , your personality , your looks
7 months in and you have experienced his rage ?
god I’ve been with my partner over 10 years and we have never argued let alone raged at each other
he’s one to pop back into the pond ( perhaps with your therapist if she is saying he’s making room in his life for you !?…)
I say get rid and stop walking on egg shells

OldFan · 31/07/2022 13:00

Have you honestly told your therapist that he's introduced you to weed and that he "smokes it constantly"?

@wellhelloitsme A lot of basic therapy training is about allowing people to do their thing. So a lot of therapists wouldn't say anything when it comes to pot unfortunately, especially if OP says to the therapist that it helps her (which I disagree with of course.)

They might say something if it were cocaine or heroin, as people are more aware that those don't make for a good partner in numerous ways (pot doesn't in my experience either.)

Watchkeys · 31/07/2022 13:01

I'm not unhappy

People in happy relationships don't suspect that their partners might be abusing them, OP. Something in you is very unhappy, simply because you're posing the question.

Original poster

MilliwaysUniverse · 31/07/2022 13:24

@OldFan re: making room in my life - I've met his sibling, most of his friends, stayed at his house a couple of times, he asks my advice on pretty much everything in his life (from work issues to disagreements with his kids to financial issues), I've met his colleagues, he takes me to his favourite places and has repeatedly expressed an interest in meeting my family. He's met two family members (my DC on 3 occasions for about 15 minutes in total, and my cousin who we visited when we were on holiday) and my best friend and her DH. I have, in return, been very guarded because my family is still grieving and he has been respectful of that. He tells me he always wants me in his life. He's a bit of a collector of people in a nice way, his network is huge and they all speak fondly of him. I've been welcomed with open arms as though I had always been part of his circle, with invitations to visit whether with or without him, and me being reached out to recently by one of them when they lost a family member, because I understand grief. So my therapist says that he seems to be building the blocks of a relationship but being mindful that I'm not ready to cement between them in some sections. It's not a great analogy but I know what she means.

She knows about the weed. She isn't concerned other than for me getting into trouble legally. I am not worried about that. He obtains the stuff for me to keep at home nefariously but has a legitimate reason to possess weed in general. And what he gave me to keep at home comes in a format that doesn't smell and you wouldn't know what it was necessarily. And it never leaves the house so the risk is miniscule.

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 31/07/2022 13:39

my DH and his total lack of interest in my weight, diet, appearance, and wondering if he was just incredibly laid back or didn't care

Maybe he just accepted you the way you were?

wellhelloitsme · 31/07/2022 13:46

I don't think you're ready to really take on board what people (everyone on here) has said about this man being bad news for you.

He's at best a drug addict who (in your words) "has a temper" and criticises you so often that you are relieved when he's away because you "don't miss the criticism". That's best case scenario based on undeniable facts.

I wish you well

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