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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice for dating ex military with ptsd and adjustment disorder

110 replies

ineedsleepandbooze · 27/07/2022 11:14

I would like to hear others thoughts and feelings to do with dating military/ex military with ptsd and adjustment disorder.

I have been with my partner 5 years and it has been rocky. He was just leaving the army when we met and was medically discharged due to PTSD. We moved in after a year together and he was horrendous to live with, he was selfish, grumpy and would not talk to be for days, he could also be manipulative. I moved out and we broke up. He admitted he had problems and had been emotionally abusive to me. He decided to do the perpetrators program through a domestic abuse charity and start counselling. I have kept him at arms length for 3 years, but we remained in contact, but he hasn't really shown any abusive behaviour and anything borderline we have discussed it and its stopped. He grew up witnessing domestic abuse (his sister told me) and he is starting to open up more and more, whilst developing good self awareness. He also has some traits of autism, which have hindered communication at times, but this has improved lots.

He has asked for relationship counselling to see if we can get everything sorted before we progress. Things have got to a point of we either move back in together and give the relationship a proper go or we walk away.

My question is do people ever really change or am I kidding myself. I love him deeply, enjoy his company and would really like my future with him.

OP posts:
MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 27/07/2022 11:20

Sounds like WAY too much hard work to me. You don't have children, you have no obligation to try and 'make it work' - there will be hundreds of other men out there you can love and enjoy the company of who don't have these issues.

Besides which it seems your whole relationship to this point has been about him, his issues and his needs. Even with the best possible outcomes, that's a pattern that will be hard to change. It will never be about you. You will never be the focus.

Find someone else, or just enjoy the freedom of no longer being responsible for 'saving' him.

Pootles34 · 27/07/2022 11:21

Gosh that's a lot, isn't it. Are you in a relationship now? How often do you see him?

I would perhaps consider some counselling for you on your own, if you can afford it, alongside couples counselling? I would be worried about how supported you would be if you did move back in with him, and he became abusive again. If you do do it (and I personally wouldn't, whilst having every sympathy with his PTSD) you need to do it with a clear exit route. You need to be able to move out immediately should you need to, etc.

Are there any kids involved?

DazzlePaintedBattlePants · 27/07/2022 11:21

Oh FGS, it sounds so not worth it! What on earth do you get out of it?

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 27/07/2022 11:21

I'll tell you my story.

Approx 30 years ago when PTSD wasn't a thing I was engaged to a man in the army (he was actually in UN Peacekeeping Forces) who was in Yugoslavia on his first tour. He saw a lot of things which he wasn't prepared for and suffered PTSD and this was diagnosed when this first became a thing.

It didn't help that his DF had serious issues with alcohol amongst other things.

I'm so pleased that I didn't end up marrying this man because though he's been married and divorced once and also has a young daughter from a relationship, he's now retired from the army and still undergoing therapy for PTSD and yes, it has affected his relationships with women.

Personally for me, now, I'd run a mile from this sort of relationship.

How old are you?

DragonflyNights · 27/07/2022 11:29

People can change after working through trauma and PTSD can be managed with effort and good self-care. It sounds like he’s taken responsibility and worked hard and has made improvements. However, why is it move back in or end things? If things are going well now, why add moving in to the mix? Can’t you continue to work on your relationship via counselling for a while first? That seems more sensible if you want to stay with him.

AlexandriasWindmill · 27/07/2022 11:31

He's been manipulative and emotionally abusive in the past so couples' counselling isn't really appropriate. I agree with a PP that you'd benefit from counselling on your own.

My ex had PTSD. Even with long-term counselling, it still impacted him and our lives. But it's not why we split up.

People can change but only if they do the work and if they're changing for the right reasons. If this was all about 'winning' you back, then imo it won't stick. If it was about him functioning better and being healthier and he's committed to ongoing counselling, then maybe. I'm wondering if he gave you the ultimatum of you either get back together now or it all ends. It's a red flag to me if he did.

Original poster
ineedsleepandbooze · 27/07/2022 11:39

I am 33. The last 3 years we have dated and seen each other 1 or 2 times a week, but I have had a wall up to protect myself. Things have been good, we always have fun together. He lives pretty far away and wants to move to the area I live in. He has a good job, as do I, which I think has helped him a lot. I have had counselling myself for 2 years. He has been very helpful to my needs especially the last 2 years. We both want the same thing which is marriage and kids, which financially we could do now, but I'm not in a massive rush and happy to wait another year or two.

He joined the army at 16 and I feel he has changed a lot the last 5 years since leaving and really wants to improve himself. My question is can people really unlearn bad behaviour and change.

OP posts:
Original poster
ineedsleepandbooze · 27/07/2022 11:41

No ultimatum he's very much respected my choice to wait, but it feels like it is now needed. I don't want to waste mine or his time and carry it on if it doesn't have a future.

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 27/07/2022 11:42

This is not a man you should have children with, I'm sorry.

JanglyBeads · 27/07/2022 11:44

Lundy Bancroft in one of his books (Why does he do that?, probably) has an excellent series of questions to ask yourself to ascertain whether an abuser has really changed.

I'd suggest finding them and working through them in your head, honestly.

LilyMarshall · 27/07/2022 11:48

he was horrendous to live with
and you stopped living with him. You made a good choice here.

he was selfish, grumpy and would not talk to me for days, he could also be manipulative. He admitted he had problems and had been emotionally abusive to me.
does this sound like a man a child deserves to have as a father?

you know he is abusive. Without a doubt. You've lived it. you cannot have had enough counselling or therapy to be seriously considering going back into a relationship you already freed yourself from, or to have a child. This is madness.

block him. Do not be so stupid or selfish as to purposefully give a child an abusive father.

Original poster
ineedsleepandbooze · 27/07/2022 11:55

I guess the sweeping consensus is that people can never really change then. Interesting, I guess my own self-development journey is a waste of time then and my work in the probation service has been wasted too.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/07/2022 11:56

You and he should not be together at all.

People do not generally change and he’s already shown you all too clearly who he is. Stop making excuses for him, what he did to you was wrong end of. He chose of his own free will to do what he did, no one forced him to.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

What sort of counselling are you undergoing?. It’s far better to work on yourself and address your own issues before embarking on any relationship with another person.

Joint counselling is a non starter here anyway because of the abuse he has meted out to you. You’re not safe with him now either. Why is he seemingly also pushing for a move nearer your home?. He’s testing your boundaries.

Why would you want to put yourself through this from him, is he all you think you deserve from a relationship?. Anyone can behave or otherwise come across well if you’re only seeing them once or twice a week. You did not know him as well as you think you did then and you don’t really know him now either. A person cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship as you are potentially doing here, neither approach works.

MolliciousIntent · 27/07/2022 11:59

ineedsleepandbooze · 27/07/2022 11:55

I guess the sweeping consensus is that people can never really change then. Interesting, I guess my own self-development journey is a waste of time then and my work in the probation service has been wasted too.

No, people can change, but it doesn't happen often, and you shouldn't waste your one precious life and your fertile years on such a bad prospect.

Original poster
ineedsleepandbooze · 27/07/2022 12:02

But I have seen lots of change the last two years. He is very different to the person I knew when we lived together. I'm sure I would have seen the mask slip by now. We spent a fair bit of time together during lockdown and I didn't see anything that would cause me concern.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/07/2022 12:02

What are you getting out of this with him?.

He grew up seeing abuse within his household and went onto do the same to you. He did not himself tell you about the domestic violence within this home, his sister did. Such men hate women, ALL of them starting in particular with his own mother.

You are also not qualified to diagnose any autistic traits in him so do not go assume that of him.

LooseGoose22 · 27/07/2022 12:02

ineedsleepandbooze · 27/07/2022 11:55

I guess the sweeping consensus is that people can never really change then. Interesting, I guess my own self-development journey is a waste of time then and my work in the probation service has been wasted too.

Quite sparky.

I'd say rather that the risk that they can't/won't change is quite high .. and the stakes high, when you're hotching your wagon to them as a life partner and co parent.

LooseGoose22 · 27/07/2022 12:03

*snarky

LooseGoose22 · 27/07/2022 12:05

What is the avg age of probation attendees anyway?

MolliciousIntent · 27/07/2022 12:05

It's your life. If you were my sister I'd be asking you if you're certain enough to stake your children's happiness and safety on it, and I'd be strongly encouraging you to look elsewhere.

He might have changed, but you and he have all this history of abuse and conflict and it is so easy to slide back into those patterns and habits. Why take the risk? Especially if you want kids.

LooseGoose22 · 27/07/2022 12:08

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 27/07/2022 11:20

Sounds like WAY too much hard work to me. You don't have children, you have no obligation to try and 'make it work' - there will be hundreds of other men out there you can love and enjoy the company of who don't have these issues.

Besides which it seems your whole relationship to this point has been about him, his issues and his needs. Even with the best possible outcomes, that's a pattern that will be hard to change. It will never be about you. You will never be the focus.

Find someone else, or just enjoy the freedom of no longer being responsible for 'saving' him.

This.

stayinghometoday · 27/07/2022 12:08

ineedsleepandbooze · 27/07/2022 11:55

I guess the sweeping consensus is that people can never really change then. Interesting, I guess my own self-development journey is a waste of time then and my work in the probation service has been wasted too.

If you don't want advice, then don't ask for it. Just don't be sarcastic if you don't like it. It's your life. You can choose to have kids with an emotionally stable man who has never been abusive, or this one. Abuse tends to start or ramp up during pregnancy, don't forget thst.

Throw your childrens chance of a stable home life away if that is what you want.

Original poster
ineedsleepandbooze · 27/07/2022 12:10

@AttilaTheMeerkat Yes I do know he has traits, I have read the medical paperwork stating this. I think it's you make assumptions.

What do I get from him? Well in the last 2-3 years I get good conversation, companionship, emotional support, practical support, banter and good sex.

OP posts:
Mydogatemypurse · 27/07/2022 12:11

Dont go back. You will regret it he has his own journey

FrownedUpon · 27/07/2022 12:11

So many red flags there-just no. Get out now & look forward to a happy, healthy life. Those issues will never be resolved and you will bare the brunt for the rest of your life if you stay with him.