Advice for dating ex military with ptsd and adjustment disorder

[ineedsleepandbooze]

I would like to hear others thoughts and feelings to do with dating military/ex military with ptsd and adjustment disorder.

I have been with my partner 5 years and it has been rocky. He was just leaving the army when we met and was medically discharged due to PTSD. We moved in after a year together and he was horrendous to live with, he was selfish, grumpy and would not talk to be for days, he could also be manipulative. I moved out and we broke up. He admitted he had problems and had been emotionally abusive to me. He decided to do the perpetrators program through a domestic abuse charity and start counselling. I have kept him at arms length for 3 years, but we remained in contact, but he hasn't really shown any abusive behaviour and anything borderline we have discussed it and its stopped. He grew up witnessing domestic abuse (his sister told me) and he is starting to open up more and more, whilst developing good self awareness. He also has some traits of autism, which have hindered communication at times, but this has improved lots.

He has asked for relationship counselling to see if we can get everything sorted before we progress. Things have got to a point of we either move back in together and give the relationship a proper go or we walk away.

My question is do people ever really change or am I kidding myself. I love him deeply, enjoy his company and would really like my future with him.

OP if you’re so convinced he’s a good bet why are you here?

From experience I would take this advice. Do not have children with this man. Nothing stopping you being friends.

He may be ok most of the time. But living together, getting married, having kids can bring out things in people you don’t always see.

if you must be with him, ensure you don’t have children.

Out of interest have you all dated someone or with someone who is actually military and has ptsd?

I have, it was awful and he was abusive.
but that’s a sample of one so not that helpful, as people who are military and have ptsd are not a homogenous lump

You have seen him once or twice a week for the past three years, that period would have included lockdowns. You did not know him as well as you think you did then and you still don’t know him now. He has likely not changed at all: such perpetrators programmes have very little success and are no answer to domestic violence.

Anyone can behave well if you are seeing them on such a basis.

@Maunderingdrunkenly thank you, your comment is helpful. I appreciate comments from people who have actually been in a similar situation.

@AttilaTheMeerkat my earlier comment stated we spent alot of time toegther in lockdown. Probably 60-70% as we both were furloughed.

Why is it now needed? Because he is pushing to move to your area?

Also in your work with probation services, you'll know that people are encouraged to break patterns; to move away from the circumstances that created the situation where they offended. As a PP said, there is a pattern of abuse between you. It's easy to slip back in to it and a LDR hasn't really given you the opportunity to see if his changes are real or sustainable.

People can change. That doesn't mean they do.

For your relationship to work - he needs to have fundamentally changed; you need to have fundamentally changed and the relationship dynamic between you both has to have changed. Those three big shifts aren't really coming across in your posts.

I would try your level best not to see him as a special case and self sacrificing as he’s military, loads of these types play on that and use it as a cover for generally being a dickhead.

it’s a job and don’t let him dress it up as more than it is (i say this additionally as a child of two forces parents) - non forces people have a weird reverence for it, which is not always deserved.

What have you learned about yourself in counselling, in particular around your need to rescue, put other's needs above your own, and codependent traits?

Can you apply that insight to this situation?

No he is not pushing to move to my area, but we have discussed things like that as you would. I asked if we did live together where would he like to go, and he responded that he was happy to move over this way. As he put it he came back to his area after the army, but as he hadn't lived there for 16 years he didn't feel he had put down roots. He is closest with him mum in the family and has friends dotted all around the country from the military.

I was raised by one. Be with him but do not have children with him.
It's not OK.

My ex H is military and has PTSD. He was so very difficult to live with. He also came from a family where domestic abuse was common. I should never have married him, but I was young and at the time had no children, it was just him and me and I thought we could be a team and overcome anything. Also, his PTSD was not known at that point and actually was compounded further with an Afghanistan tour about 6 years in to our marriage. When he came back from there he literally couldn't have given less of a shit about me and the kids or normal married life. Every little frustration of mine or appeal for help with housework, the children, support for me as a fellow human being was met with "what's the fucking problem it's not like anyone's gonna die if I don't do xyz" .

I stuck around for far too long believing his bullshit that he wanted to change, but ultimately in the end he met someone new and dumped his family who had stuck by him and taken all the crap.

He's married her and recreated the exact same life (right down to road they live in!) with her, only its a different wife. I guess I'm telling you this to illustrate that sometimes the problems just run way too deep and the behaviour they display is beyond comprehension, even if you've given your all to them.

It sounds good on paper that this man has seemingly done lots to better himself, but what does he bring to you, and what will he bring to you in your future? If you want to give him another chance, hell, who am I to tell you not to? My ex still to this day denies his abuse to me, at least this man has taken steps to address that. But if I were you, knowing what I know and the experiences I have been through, I would be walking away.

It's certainly possible for people to change, but sustaining it is something else.

I think the question I'd be asking is, has he changed because its the right thing to do? Or because he's been chasing the carrot of a relationship with you?

Bear in mind that just because he has changed, doesn't mean you owe him a relationship.

I think for myself, I'd be wary of moving back in. It's relatively easy to keep up an appearance for 1-2 dates a week. Is there a possibility he could move closer without moving in together?

Others have pointed out that having children adds new stressors into your lives and abuse often ramps up in pregnancy/newborn stages. It's something you'd have to be aware of going forward.

For me personally, I'd walk away. I would feel I was always on the alert for red flags, and that hypervigilance, which is such a common factor in PTSD, is exhausting.

There is a general belief on MN that "leopards don't change their spots" and when it comes to abusive men, statistically that is unfortunately true. That's not to say they can't - but it's rare. When you make your decision, make it with your probation officer head on, not the one that loves him.

Not military but I have been in a lot of therapy for very severe ptsd (family murder related, I was present). I've never been abusive.

@ArcticSkewer I am well aware of my rescuing tendencies, but he has made changes off his own back and I haven't swept him up and tried to fix him. I have left him too it to make changes, which he has. I am not co-dependant, I questioned this myself, but I enjoy my own company and I am very independent. All my relationships I have with family and friends have been very healthy as have previous relationships.

@onthinice thank you for sharing, your comment has been most helpful and I appreciate it. Some great food for thought.

@stayinghometoday I am so sorry to hear of what you went though (f)

What hooked you into being with him initially?. We’re you hoping he would make up for something that you felt was lacking?.

@AttilaTheMeerkat to be perfectly honest, good sex. I wasn't looking for a relationship, but was very attracted to him and we were very much sexually compatible and feelings developed from both sides. Nothing was lacking in my life.

when it Comes to abusers, yes.

read the Lundy Bancroft book. He’ll show you the minuscule possibilities of where an abuser stops abusing, and NONE of the reasons are present in your scenario

you clearly have a vulnerability that draws abusers to you. Work on your zero tolerance of manipulation, set and police very clear boundaries and you’ll build the force field you need to protect yourself in the future

Abuse can start (or in your situation resume) once you're 'trapped' - so living together/pregnant/married. The risk will increase for you.

Thought so, sex can be very powerful. I think that you remain very much trauma bonded to him. Now that you managed to get away from him once already he has now gone back to the courtship to potentially win you back and you are very vulnerable to such efforts. Trauma bonds are hard to break but are even harder to live with.

Is your own counselling properly addressing your rescuing tendencies and where that all started with you?. Did you for instance have a family dynamic where you were obligated to care for a sibling or parent ?.

It feels as though you want to try again. If you do, then put boundaries in place now. You don't need to tell him about them. The thing about abusive relationships is they're often structured around what he wants; what he thinks; what he does; whether he's changed, etc. Put you back at the centre of your life. Consider your needs, wants and wishes. Write them down.
Then do the same for your deal breakers; your lines in the sand. It will make it easier for you to spot if it slips back into an abusive relationship.
Finally, think about whether this is the relationship you'd want your DD or best friend to have. What advice would you be giving them? Then take that advice.