Advice for dating ex military with ptsd and adjustment disorder

[ineedsleepandbooze]

I would like to hear others thoughts and feelings to do with dating military/ex military with ptsd and adjustment disorder.

I have been with my partner 5 years and it has been rocky. He was just leaving the army when we met and was medically discharged due to PTSD. We moved in after a year together and he was horrendous to live with, he was selfish, grumpy and would not talk to be for days, he could also be manipulative. I moved out and we broke up. He admitted he had problems and had been emotionally abusive to me. He decided to do the perpetrators program through a domestic abuse charity and start counselling. I have kept him at arms length for 3 years, but we remained in contact, but he hasn't really shown any abusive behaviour and anything borderline we have discussed it and its stopped. He grew up witnessing domestic abuse (his sister told me) and he is starting to open up more and more, whilst developing good self awareness. He also has some traits of autism, which have hindered communication at times, but this has improved lots.

He has asked for relationship counselling to see if we can get everything sorted before we progress. Things have got to a point of we either move back in together and give the relationship a proper go or we walk away.

My question is do people ever really change or am I kidding myself. I love him deeply, enjoy his company and would really like my future with him.

If you stick with him you’ll be back here once you’ve had kids. If he can be ‘difficult’ now, then he’ll be a nightmare then. Don’t be a rescuer.

My mum’s husband is ex-military. I don’t know if he has PTSD, I do know he is an emotionally abusive, alcoholic fuckwit.

There are so many red flags, walk while you can and do not inflict this man on any future children. My mum’s husbands children are no contact with him - good for them.

I would be so concerned about parenthood, are you sure he would cope? It's such a big life change.
Lack of sleep first of all is a huge factor that can make everything worse even in the healthiest of people.
Then there's things like the sound of a baby crying which can be incredibly triggering.
Honestly, I don't know if it's safe. Has he been assessed lately? Is there any professional saying he's doing well?
Everything goes out the window when a baby comes and you really need to be well.
I read something last week that said 20% of relationships break up in the first year after a baby is born, another that said how much arguing increases by - you've no way of knowing what the baby will be like and how easy or hard it can be. I don't know if you can make that decision, hence my question about reaching out to professionals whose care he has been under perhaps. I know you're probably thinking of your fertility but you really couldn't rush it if it's not right xx

This might be your interpretation of PTSD but is hugely insulting to people who actually have the condition and are fighting to get better and recover from awful trauma.

So you’ve already decided that he can change?
I’d be very wary. Having children with someone in this situation seems very risky.

OP you've been really defensive and dismissive of people's opinions at the beginning of this thread because they were not what you wanted to hear. Are you going to be as defensive and dismissive of his emotionally abusive behaviour? Are you going to minimise and find ways to defend and excuse that once you get back together? It doesn't look like you can be objective here to me, and that makes you vulnerable IMO.

I think you'll take him back but I think it's a terrible idea.

Your DP has childhood CPTSD (complex PTSD) AND PTSD related to his army experiences. This is a complex presentation that needs his strong motivation to change and work on himself, and a long term therapy engagement. His patterns run deep and will be difficult to change. The responsibility for change is 100% on him. Is he aware of all the above?

People can and do change, but just a tiny bit of change can take a tremendous amount of work. My ex-SIL was violent to my dd. I really, really hope he can change because he was lovely otherwise, but my dd would be an absolute fool to put herself back in the firing line.

Another woman will come along who hasn't your history and hopefully he will be able to prove that he can change, but why do you have to go back to what you know was harmful for you?

You have mentioned you have had counselling and that he did the perpetrators programme but has he had trauma therapy or is he currently getting it? I don't want to go in to detail here but happy to pm you my experience. Initially it was fine and he actually recovered but a decade later and its destroyed our family. He never got therapy the first time round and this time is far far worse. I can tell you what I wish I knew before that may have stopped it but everyone is different and it manifests in different ways. It isn't an easy relationship to maintain and it becomes even harder when kids are involved but yes with professional support and coping mechanisms it is possible to be happily married to ex military with ptsd

I grew up with a father who'd been in the military.
Each day was like navigating a minefield on tiptoe.
He should never have had children, and unfortunately my mother didn't realise what he was like when they married - no living together in those days.

Just to be clear I haven't pm you but will of you want to talk more

@Rowen32 apologies, I didn’t mean to cause any offence. I do appreciate that PTSD is real and was talking in terms of my experience with my ex and that he often used it as an excuse for bad behaviour. Sorry again.

I know someone who is ex Military and had PTSD. He is a great guy and happily married. However - he didn't also have the childhood abuse burden to carry. The latter I think is very difficult to overcome.

Hello, the situation you’ve described is my life. I married him and had children. I now have PTSD myself from what he’s put me through. I’ve lost so much including what should have been some of the happiest times of my life. Every single thing has been destroyed by his PTSD from the birth of the children to holidays. I’m currently rebuilding my life without him and realise how horrendous my life has been. Lockdown didn’t affect me as I’d been in lockdown dealing with him for years before.

You have no ties to this man. Please read what I’ve put and think hard about what you want.

My story has a happy ending Im now in a lovely relationship. I hope yours does too but without the horrible bit in between.

Great questions and yes I believe her has to all the above.

I just want to say I am taking everything in and I'm not being dismissive. Most of the positive stories I have received have been over PM rather than on the thread, but im not sure why. I am thinking long and hard about this and that's why I asked for advice from people who have been in the same situation as it is incredibly complex

Just don't let yourself get hooked into the positive stories by PM and dismiss the negative ones on this thread.

You don't want to find yourself 5 years down the line with kids, trying to divorce this man and wishing you'd never married him.

I am a survivor who has PTSD. My advice is to try and understand what his triggers are and try to avoid them, or warn him if they are likely to be any anywhere. You can get a lanyard to show to people if you are in a challenging environment or having flashbacks. Good luck with finding the right counsellor unless you can pay as free / low cost counsellors seem to be snowed under in Scotland. Hope this helps anyone with PTSD, as it is awful to live with or alongside. Now I am in a calmer place I am much better.

It’s a lot easier to mask for 2 or three times a week than 24/7. If he’s also masking at work it has to come out at some point. I do speak from experience and it’s very very difficult.

Whilst I believe people can use counselling etc to deal with issues I don’t believe that people can change personality. Especially if he has ASD.

I am a survivor who has PTSD. My advice is to try and understand what his triggers are and try to avoid them, or warn him if they are likely to be any anywhere.

With respect, that’s terrible advice. Triggers can be very difficult to know - very often the individual doesn’t really know the full extent of their triggers so someone else working it out has no chance. You also then commit to spending your life tip toeing round, trying to avoid perfectly normal situations and human interaction for fear of triggering the other. You leave yourself open to abuse and manipulation if the other tells you the your tone of voice, use of humour, the way you serve dinner etc are triggering.

Triggers are for the individual to identify where possible and for them to manage and learn to regulate their response. It’s one of the reasons PTSD often means long term therapy because it’s a tricky process to know you’ve been triggered and self regulate. I don’t know a therapist practicing with a good understanding of trauma who would suggest that a clients family and friends do the work of identifying and avoiding triggers.

@Almostthere1 I don't think it necessarily needs long term engagement, just a litle bit of sympathy and understanding. I had a chronic period of PTSD and owning and discussing it with friends and wider family was half the battle. If they don't get it, move on although it's hard.

@Jellycatspyjamas I honestly don't want to get drawn in to your debate, but if you learn to manage the triggers, it isn't permanent at all. Anyway what do I know?

@Jellycatspyjamas You sound really angry, and most of what youy say doesn't coincide with my own experience at all. Respect what suvivors tell you and we'll leave it at that thanks.

@Jellycatspyjamas I honestly don't want to get drawn in to your debate, but if you learn to manage the triggers, it isn't permanent at all.

Hence the need for ongoing therapy, because PTSD can be such a moveable feast. Clients often find themselves in and out of therapy over a long period of time as triggers become apparent and new strategies are needed.

@Jellycatspyjamas You sound really angry, and most of what youy say doesn't coincide with my own experience at all. Respect what suvivors tell you and we'll leave it at that thanks.

I’m not angry at all, and have extensive professional experience in this area as well as being a survivor myself. Your experience is exactly that, as is mine, you’re free to share and I’m free to disagree with you. Such is the nature of discussion boards.