Advice for dating ex military with ptsd and adjustment disorder

[ineedsleepandbooze]

I would like to hear others thoughts and feelings to do with dating military/ex military with ptsd and adjustment disorder.

I have been with my partner 5 years and it has been rocky. He was just leaving the army when we met and was medically discharged due to PTSD. We moved in after a year together and he was horrendous to live with, he was selfish, grumpy and would not talk to be for days, he could also be manipulative. I moved out and we broke up. He admitted he had problems and had been emotionally abusive to me. He decided to do the perpetrators program through a domestic abuse charity and start counselling. I have kept him at arms length for 3 years, but we remained in contact, but he hasn't really shown any abusive behaviour and anything borderline we have discussed it and its stopped. He grew up witnessing domestic abuse (his sister told me) and he is starting to open up more and more, whilst developing good self awareness. He also has some traits of autism, which have hindered communication at times, but this has improved lots.

He has asked for relationship counselling to see if we can get everything sorted before we progress. Things have got to a point of we either move back in together and give the relationship a proper go or we walk away.

My question is do people ever really change or am I kidding myself. I love him deeply, enjoy his company and would really like my future with him.

I worked with the military for over 10 years as a civvy dealing with ex service personal who I would say 90% of suffered from PTSD.
It effected every aspect of their life from employment to relationships, alcohol, drugs and sadly in many cases suicide.

Many of the people I worked with I did so for many years and witnessed and sometimes was part of their journey. The ones who were able to live a decent happy life with their PTSD and be good partners, parents etc were the ones who accessed all the help available. Those people had good support around them and put effort in to helping themselves.
I have so many positive stories but I also have sad ones. Ones where they just gave up, stopped accepting help, blamed PTSD for everything and refused to try.

Don't stay in this relationship if he is one of the latter but if you believe he is putting his all in to helping himself and you have your own separate support then I would not think you were foolish.

Obviously if the relationship is harmful in any way then you need to end it.

@Jellycatspyjamas Experience is exactly that and "professionals" should never seek to deride it thanks

Thanks for that helpful comment. I never knew the stats were so huge in the military. As a different kind of PTSD sufferer I have often wondered @CrossStichQueen

Hern many assume military PTSD is a direct result of serving during conflict/fighting but it really isn't.
Sometimes it's because of the atrocious things they have seen/been apart of as peace keepers, or the regime of forces life such as the training, the change over from forces to civvy so many reasons.

I had a few guys who didn't serve during conflict but their training in particular spotting snipers/threats on the street made it impossible for them to just casually walk up a high street as they were hyper focused and on the brink of panic at every movement.

It's called Hypervigilance by some books and it's exhausting and awful

Why are you asking if you (think) you already know the answer?

@ineedsleepandbooze I have dated an ex-Army man, we lived together for 10 years.

He was the most terrifying man I've ever met. There wasn't one type of abuse he didn't put me through.

More than once I thought he was going to end my life. He did the whole PTSD counselling thing and perhaps he wanted to change, but ultimately he couldn't.

I'd walk away if I was you.

I'm sorry, for me it would just be a no.

Too risky. And sadly I think he has too much baggage.

Find someone secure who can offer you a nice life. You deserve it.

My ex's ptsd is from seeing conflict on the front line when serving, which he has tried to talk briefly about with me. He has accessed all help available and has made massive improvements. As long as he's working and also exercising he does well. He knows this himself and does stay motivated in that area. He still speaks with someone every week for his therapy. He did used to get frustrated and angry when he was struggling, but now he tends to go away, reflect and then comes back to talk.

If you're so confident that your ex has changed, why are you even asking for advice on Mumsnet? This feels like quite a passive-aggressive response - you didn't get the reassurance you wanted, so now you're putting words in people's mouths. The question is not an abstract "can people change". Of course we can. The real question is twofold: a.) "Has this particular person made significant, sustainable changes?" and b.) "Is this enough for me to want a relationship with him?"

I developed PTSD from being in an abusive relationship. Like you, I also work in a helping profession. As I recovered, I realised that part of my attachment to my abusive ex was driven by a romantic desire to "love him better". I wanted to see him get well and part of me viewed my enduring attachment as a sign of my patience and capacity to see the good in people. In reality it was a trauma bond. Accepting that was painful. I think this is a pitfall that women in the caring professions often fall into. I'm not saying that you are doing the same, but it's an important thing to be aware of. Secondly, even if he really has changed, that doesn't mean a relationship with him would be a good idea. In a professional context I'm sure you see that all the time - just because a client has made progress doesn't mean he automatically becomes a good dating prospect for women he hurt in the past. Sometimes progress means moving on.

On a separate note, my brother is ex-military. He also joined at 16. He has significant mental health problems. He's abusive to his girlfriend and he neglects his kids. So many of our relatives go through spells of thinking he's changed, denying and minimising everything he does, until the behaviour once again escalates to a point they can't ignore. When I moved house my dad invited him to come and help, and was hurt when I refused. I know my brother still has problems with gambling and alcohol and I wasn't letting him near my possessions. Our dad said reproachfully that I need to give him a chance. I replied that I am giving him a chance by staying realistic about his current situation and having firm boundaries, something that he really needs. He is very good at convincing the family that things are different when he wants something, and when he's got it, he relapses. I would be doing him any favours if I went along with that. Believing in a person's capacity to change does not mean repeatedly handing them the same chances to hurt you.