How did you find out your husband/partner was having an affair?

[sundaysomeday2022]

NC for this...

I'm intrigued as so many discoveries seem to be linked to phones these days.

I found out when my exDH accidently sent the OW a message to our family facebook chat. This meant that the kids saw it as well !

We’d be discussing doing another round of IVF and as we’d not been getting on we went out for dinner to discuss.

Whilst waiting for our main courses, I said lets defer doing the next round for 6 months (although I was keen to do it). He said, as calmly as you like, I cant commit to that as Ive met someone else.

I was shocked and tearful of course and ran home. I was slightly conscious that a guy from work was at next table in pub.

exh didnt bother following me, I suspect he went out with her and came home really late. He lasted a couple of years with OW bought a house and had a baby (none of which he wanted apparently). He’s on his own now I think.

A few years later I went out with that guy from work at the next table for a few dates but nothing more.

Whilst life has been a bit bumpy since I’m really glad that exh broke up our marriage. PS I had a baby in the end!

He didn't shut the laptop down properly so l clicked on restore last session and it was on fb instant messenger a conversation between them arranging their plans for when l happened to be away.
Proper sliding doors moment cos l very nearly clicked on say new session.
Did me a favour to be honest.

@TheGetaway Good for you- I feel like that too- although I wouldn't say my marriage is stronger- it is though definitely more on my terms

@Thewookiemustgo @MissedItByThisMuch @TheGetaway

Thank you for posting on here that you are still with your husbands. I am at a much earlier stage than either of you. Mine walked out and has been living with his OW for 7 months while still saying to me he wanted to fix our relationship. I only found out the truth of where he was living about 8 weeks ago. He finally moved out from there yesterday, to a place local to home, and has again said he wants to try to make a go of things with me, but will not confirm he has ended his affair yet. My experience is what @Thewookiemustgo says about the lies continuing. He is struggling to come to terms with what he has done, while I try and protect our sons.
I don't know if he will ever come home, fool that I am, I still hope so. It is good to see others have also taken this path. Hard, slow and painful as it will be, I still see it as preferable to divorce.

With my first, I saw him openly texting another girl while I was in mid labour. He was cheating with 8 other girls at the time, found out through Snapchat and Instagram.

With my second he admitted he was cheating because I wasn't good enough for him.

In my current relationship I got told he was all over another girl at a pub by multiple people and the girl herself. He denied everything and I stupidly believed him and now I can't trust him with anything anymore. He also drove around with multiple girls at the beginning and I have suspicions that he got one pregnant as he said she took one of my pregnancy tests that was in his car. Never will know the whole truth though

How on earth are you still with this person?

Don't waste one more day on them!

I never got actual proof that's the problem. The people who told me aren't known for being a reliable source, they've been trying to break us up for the 7 years we've been together so I just shrugged it off

@Fuzzyhippo

He also drove around with multiple girls at the beginning

Why would he have done this if not to cheat with them? Unless he's a taxi driver that's exactly what he was doing.

You've had two arsehole exes and are with an arsehole now, and have been for seven years 😞

You don't trust him. That's more than enough reason to break up.

You'll feel this anxiety for the rest of your life otherwise.

And the longer you stay, the less time you have to work on being strong and single until your boundaries are rebuilt and you can date again if you wish to.

Then your kids can see their mum happy and single, potentially in a happy relationship later down the line.

Rather than them thinking that unhappy relationships are normal and acceptable.

Why are they trying to break you up?

@Picksomethingatrandom mine did that- said he wanted to work it out with me rather than being with ow. I said i’ll be willing to discuss when he ended it with ow but he kept making excuses not to end it, her dad ill etc etc and after about 2 months I realised he never would, so I told him no more. we had no kids. He was with ow for a couple of years after that.

You may well turn out to be right. Given he only finally moved yesterday, he has a small grace period remaining. He has been told that if it does not end, he has to tell our children himself and deal with their reaction. And it will not be pretty.

Whilst I want to work it out with him and am being ultra accepting at the moment, given the circumstances that led to him leaving, I will turn into a raging hell bitch if she does not get jettisoned very soon or if she ever reappears... a divorce is going to cost him dearly.

The friend he is now staying with is professionally qualified to provide MH support, which he badly needed when he left. We will see what transpires over the next week or two...

@Picksomethingatrandom I’m so sorry, that sounds like pure hell. Pm me if you want to.

@Thewookiemustgo my god you are so spot on with so much that you have said.
I am 7 years post affair and I was lying to myself after he lied to me.
I stayed because I was scared, I didn't want our family to be destroyed, I was utterly ashamed.
It's taken 7 years of being triggered every year around the time I found out along with personal therapy for me to force the issue as I want the whole truth.
I still care for him so we have just started counselling together. I think he will be shocked at what he has done to me as he never attempted to make it up, there was no change in behaviour, no feeling like he was going above and beyond to prove himself.
I'm not sure he gets it and only last month (it happened summer 2015) he finally confessed that he thinks he touched her breasts and clitoris/vulva/labia etc. Not sure he shoved any of his digits further in, but no sex as they commented that it was lucky he kept his bottoms on.
Therapist said in 6 weeks we will know what we want to do. I am very much leaning towards a split, but it's the financial aspect and after everything he did, I genuinely don't want to hurt him.

My ex

god it pisses me off to admit I slept with such a creature (i was very young in my defence) but here goes

had a dd (aged 19) and while he wasn’t the best,he was her father and fell pregnant again,more or less straight away (aged 20)

he promptly quit his job and refused to get another one-meaning I had to go back long before I should have done-he’d refuse to do childcare but felt my money was his to go get weed and booze

he suddenly got a job,working on a market stall for £10 a day,cash in hand (1998) of course we didn’t see these riches as it was ‘his’ money but the money I was dragging in was ‘ours’

anyway,he’d fucked off out (again) leaving me at home with the kids-as soon as he walked in at about 11pm,I just knew there was someone else-just the look on his face-he smashed the house up,threw a £1 coin at me,told me ‘that’s all the money you’ll get out of me bitch’ (he wasn’t wrong) and walked out

i remember just standing there,stunned,baby hanging off my tit and a toddler clinging to my leg,screaming her head off

very long story cut short,he had been seeing someone else

And I mean a child of 14 and had got her pregnant-he was pushing 30

they where going to take my children and bring them up together-which wasn’t going to happen

he spent two years dragging me through the courts as ‘why not?its free’ and ‘another way to abuse her’

Suddenly he just stopped-didn’t hear a word from him-he’d got busted for dealing hard drugs and got 7 years (nobody seemed bothered about him abusing this 14 year old) and that’s the last we saw of him-until the kids got a bit older,but they don’t bother with him now

as far as I know,he’s not bothered with any of the kids he’s had since

Palg68

Sorry only just catching up on the thread now. By "they" visiting his mum I meant him and the dog. They didn't have a great relationship so I had only met her once. He told me she was unwell so was going to see her, he was with his girlfriend and he then grabbed her payslip by accident when packing. He was never at his Mums.

Why are you putting up with this??

It's right there at the end of my message. I see it as preferable to divorce. I don't expect most people to understand, but it is my life, my marriage, my choice. Divorce would be a lot harder for me in the long run. He was very clearly mentally unwell when he left me, and the relationship only started after he left, and as I said on another post, the friend he is now staying with is a counsellor, so hopefully he will finally get the support he needs.

mumbles well tbh your ex is right @Felixsmama If you really want to 'make progress' as a police teacher taught me, it's a safe way as long as you know where the speed cameras are.

Caught him having a naked zoom call with her during lockdown. He said it was cam girl, then said she was someone on comments on porn site. Eventually came out that it was wife of a friend, they had separated from husband but he hadn't told me that. He been meeting her to do climbing during covid as well. He'd been unemployed for 3 years, lost a lot of weight and started going to tanning salons - full mid-life crisis.

Finally found a message on his computer he'd left open, he'd deleted older conversations. I told him he had to leave, he couldn't be having this relationship while living in the family home. His mum said i couldn't kick him out of his own home, as he was only one on mortgage because I'd gone part time to raise the kids. Still absolutely disgusted with her attitude, we'd been together 20 years and didn't seem to consider that home to be mine as well.

He asked for me back a few weeks later, but figured out he actually hadn't split up with OW, obviously he wanted to monkey branch back home and wasn't willing to end it unless i agreed to take him back, which i did not.

Can't trust a word he says. He still looks sad about everything, i think things are over with OW, but i had thought that before then he introduced her to the kids without warning me. I haven't told the kids that he had affair, knowing my dad had affair changed how i felt about him for years.

It has been a year and a half since we split, I've had some dates and know there are good guys out there, but I'm happy on my own with the kids right now. I just feel sad as we had a real connection and he threw it all away, i never thought he'd be like that. Everyone is right with the gut feeling. I am glad to be out of it though, there were so many red flags in our relationship that i ignored, now I'm out i know I'll do better by myself with this knowledge.

Thank you for all your stories, I'm sorry to all of you having to go through this, it is an awful thing to do to someone you are supposed to love.

A friend's wife left because she didn't love him any more etc and moved straight in with the man he'd long suspected she'd been having an affair with.

Their daughter, who was about 20 at the time, then came forward and told him that her mother had had 12 affairs during the marriage, with both men and women, starting when the youngest was 2. She'd started confiding in the DD about it when she was 13 or 14 and sworn her to secrecy. The poor kid had been carrying this knowledge around with her for all those years!

You wouldn't believe me if you knew her - she's highly educated, pillar of the community type and very prim and proper. A less likely serial shagger you couldn't imagine. But what a way to find out. My friend has never confronted her about it though, because the DD made him promise he wouldn't.

His 10 year son said, "Did you take those DVDs back to Edwina's?"

Edwina was his ex girlfriend, always liking his FB posts and popping up in conversation. He had said he hadn't met up with her since starting to see me (over a year).

We were eating Sunday lunch at the time and he didn't answer but silently left the table and went upstairs.

They then got back together officially. She soon saw sense and found someone else! She died not long afterwards sadly.