Heartbroken over sharing custody of kids

[Lill1e]

After going through months of a horrible separation when there were times I really thought I couldn’t go on because of the stress it was causing and the guilt over ending my marriage and “ruining” my children's lives, things have finally come to an end. The house is sold (ex insisted on this rather than see me stay there and “maybe one day bring in another man” - his words) , all forms signed and all arrangements agreed to. The thing is one of the requests by my ex was that he wanted shared custody and therefore wouldn’t need to pay maintenance. I believe this is why he wanted this, he says it’s cause he wants to see the kids. My solicitor and I suggested every second weekend and one day after school per week but he was having none of it. The separation was horrible I mean horrible the worst time of my life. He wouldn’t leave the house, watched me like a hawk, i was literally a prisoner in my own home. He would only leave if I agreed to the terms and so I did just to be able to move on with my life but I’m here now thinking about it and my heart is absolutely broken. How am I going to spend every second week without my kids. I will die not being able to see them every day. What have I done? I feel like I’ve sold them out just to be able to get on with my life. Has anyone on here shared custody with an ex and how did it go? I’m praying it won’t work out and they’ll want to be with me but I know that’s selfish but I will miss them so so so much. I feel even more guilty now than I did when I ended the marriage. should I go back to my solicitor and tell her I don’t want to share custody. Thanks everyone xx

What's unstable about it? I care about the children's right to see their dad more than EOW.

Haven't RTFT but feel your pain OP - you didn't have kids just to spend 50% of time with them. This was one of my biggest emotions when splitting up with ex-h.
In my case he moved 200 miles away so we just split half-terms & holidays
Does it have to be 1 week/1 week? A colleague has a set up where kids do Mon/Tues with 1 parent, Weds/Thurs with the other parent & then every other weekend. I think that maintains contact more easily.

@Catfordthefifth all your questions involve are 'would you say this about a woman, no I didn't think so' This isn't a post from a man talking about his ex wife, if it was maybe the same posters would be saying the same thing the other way round! You have purposely come on here to be provocative on every supportive comment to the OP! This is Mumsnet, the clue in the first three letters might suggest that a lot of mums are on this forum and support other mums! Go out and enjoy the sunshine and stop trolling!

Whatever solution is decided upon, it will be hard on all of you in differing degrees.

He does not sound entirely reasonable to me: his behaviour towards OP at home at the beginning of the split, and insisting on selling house for his own selfish reasons, despite knowing it would mean more upheaval for the children.

Give it a while - I suspect the children will make their views clearly known once the arrangement has run for a while. Bide your time and see where this all goes.

Make it clear to the children that you will miss them loads and love the dearly; but try not to do this through tears.

Parents don’t have rights, they have responsibilities. Children have the right to have a healthy, meaningful relationship with their parents - assuming it’s safe and appropriate, of course. There isn’t one size fits all. In some cases, 50-50 works well but that doesn’t happen in all situations.

OP, you are perfectly entitled to feel sad and hurting. It is going to be difficult for you as it’s a big change. I think you need to acknowledge that and give yourself some time to accept the changes and seek out a different life for yourself. Keep yourself busy but make sure you have time to enjoy yourself too. It’ll benefit you and the children. Good luck. 🙂

Report me if you think I'm trolling. They're not supportive messages though are they? They're just posts calling him x y and z with no basis. All he's done is do what we tell women they should do. Its okay to call out double standards. Mumsnet doesn't mean we should stick by women who are being unreasonable, or advocating using their children against their ex (not the op but at least two posters) just because they are a mum. I am a mum, but that doesn't mean I have to agree with all of them when they're not putting their children first.

@Catfordthefifth you just seem provocative and bored for no reason to be honest! In my original post I suggested the dad should see the kids every weekend and during the week, but according to you that wasn't good enough. Enjoy your day!

You didn't answer why mum couldn't do that though?

Its not provocative to ask a question. I wasn't the only one to ask it either, btw.

I think perhaps your reaction says a bit more about you than me, maybe think about why you're so uncomfortable about the questions?

And no it's not good enough, because I don't think mum should miss out on every weekend. Mum deserves down time with her children too. Both parents need to do actual parenting, the good and the bad. You're suggestion doesn't achieve that, and doesn't give the children any balance. If anything it teaches that boring shitty mid week tasks fall to mum, and fun weekends fall to dad. I don't think that's great, tbh.

Honestly it's time to stop thinking of you child as possessions and yours. Their father has as much parental rights as you and could actually be an equally competent parent.

I have 50/50 and it's great, I put my children before my feelings and have an amazing relationship with their father, we make it work. I was gutted but I got my own life, hobbies and have so much energy and enjoy my time with them as I get a rest. My ex has an amazing relationship with the kids too and they actually feel sorry for children who don't get the 50/50 time with both parents.

Why should she? She's probably looked after the children the majority of the time and spent the majority of time with them! Most mothers do! You won't be happy with that answer either, so I expect ANOTHER question back! I believe children need stability whilst still seeing their mother and father regularly!

Ah right, so it's all about her and not what's best for her children. I see. There is nothing to suggest this arrangement is unstable.

@Catfordthefifth I share custody with my child's dad! We both have a good relationship, I see my child at the weekend and so does the dad! We both also see our child in the week. My child is happy and thriving! As I said, you seem really bored/angry! Maybe get a hobby? Co parenting can be complicated and hard on all involved, as many have said (including me) it's about putting the children first! Doesn't mean you can't come on Mumsnet to safely share how you're feeling emotionally, which is what the OP has done!!

I'm glad it works for you. I don't think it's me that seems angry. I have experience of co parenting. I haven't had a go at the op, so I'm not sure what you're referring to there?

You say you're all for putting the children first but your last post literally said "why should she". That doesn't really evidence it, does it?

I agree, I don't have children, but my friend and his wife split when their son (now almost 11) was only 18 months. They have now only recently agreed to one whole week each after 4/3 days which they did for years. My friend has a partner now he has been with for five years and his XW remarried and has two small boys with her second husband. They find it works better and they can at least have a week away with him. The child thinks it is great too.

You sound like you think OP should be punished for wanting a divorce?

It's not punishment but the OP seems to be aggrieved that her ex did not just quietly pack his bags and exit her life while leaving her the house and full custody of the children.

Also, to those saying dads want 50/50 to avoid maintenance:

Unless they are super high earners, many would be better off just paying maintenance and having the kids as visitors a couple of times a month. It means the difference between a smaller 2-3 bed home and maintaining a decent sized 3-4 family house. It means limiting the area you are living to close proximity of schools, and doing school runs. And obviously the costs of school dinners and keeping a house stocked for the kids.

For men who want 50/50 to avoid maintenance or to exert control....it never lasts long.

If you're right and it's about him not wanting to pay maintenance, rather than him wanting to see the children, then he'll get tired of it pretty soon and you'll end up with sole custody by default and no child maintenance.

That's what happened with my ex. Demanded sole custody, managed a few years, then they moved a few miles further away and it was "just to difficult".
Paid maintenance for a while then managed to persuade the CMS that he didn't earn enough to pay it.

Hasn't see our child at all for about 8 years now - not even a birthday card.....

Again thanks to everyone for replies. I have had the kids full time for the past few months after ex eventually moved out. He wasn’t forced out but it was impossible to live together like that. When he did move out he was asked on a few occasions to have the kids overnight which he refused as he was out enjoying his single life and not by himself either I should add so he’s not the heartbroken husband and dad that some people are thinking he is. I know him and how he thinks. Been with him over 20 years. I appreciate all the comments though especially the ones with advice and I do understand where the others are coming from. Thanks again

I think you need to ride this one out, OP. It'll go one of two ways.

He'll be a hands on Dad who steps up to the plate, the kids are happy sharing their time with you both, and you get time to yourself on a regular basis.

The other way is that he'll get bored of being Disney Dad, and will end up neglecting them in some way shape or form so you can go back to court. Keep a diary and list every single thing ie one of them poorly and didn't get medical help, late for school, going to school without kit etc.

Whichever way, it's out of your control right now so stand back and see.

To be honest OP I think you need to get a life outside of your children if you feel such a possessive wrench when they are not with you.
What are you going to do when the leave home?
So many women on here expect the man to ge the main breadwinner when together then try to turn this, against them when they split, stating that she has been the main carer and dad has not done as much as her.
As a mum of three older kids, it honestly sounds like a dream to have a decent chunk of time to yourself regularly. If you are struggling to see how you will cope with this, you need to reassess your dependence on your children.

Hi,

any support would be great. The father of my child used me and our child for immigration purposes and has been able to get a visa through our child. I went through DA and we are now in court about child arrangement order.

father has only just started working and of course due to his immigration he needs to show how he is maintaining the child and having physical contact. However this man lives over 30 miles away. The child is 3yrs old has never been overnight before, struggling with certain behaviour from child since contact started last year. Father is now demanding overnights and half school holidays when I was specifically was told father would produce a tenancy agreement as father lives in shared housing.
where do I stand? I am happy for contact but not overnight until the child can talk due to abuse that has occurred. I offered overnights from school age.
please any help where I stand

I don’t think you can compare children leaving the home (as an adult) to when they are young

It must be hard for both parents to go from full time to 50/50. My friend following a divorce shared custody and she really struggled when her DC were with there DF. However after a month or two she learnt to work her life around this and did non kiddie things when he had them then made the most when she did. She actually started to enjoy her time with them more and more and equally starting to enjoy her time to herself. With a year her exDH decided it was too much for him and now sees them every other weekend and one day a week.
hand hold for you while you adapt to your change in life