Heartbroken over sharing custody of kids

[Lill1e]

After going through months of a horrible separation when there were times I really thought I couldn’t go on because of the stress it was causing and the guilt over ending my marriage and “ruining” my children's lives, things have finally come to an end. The house is sold (ex insisted on this rather than see me stay there and “maybe one day bring in another man” - his words) , all forms signed and all arrangements agreed to. The thing is one of the requests by my ex was that he wanted shared custody and therefore wouldn’t need to pay maintenance. I believe this is why he wanted this, he says it’s cause he wants to see the kids. My solicitor and I suggested every second weekend and one day after school per week but he was having none of it. The separation was horrible I mean horrible the worst time of my life. He wouldn’t leave the house, watched me like a hawk, i was literally a prisoner in my own home. He would only leave if I agreed to the terms and so I did just to be able to move on with my life but I’m here now thinking about it and my heart is absolutely broken. How am I going to spend every second week without my kids. I will die not being able to see them every day. What have I done? I feel like I’ve sold them out just to be able to get on with my life. Has anyone on here shared custody with an ex and how did it go? I’m praying it won’t work out and they’ll want to be with me but I know that’s selfish but I will miss them so so so much. I feel even more guilty now than I did when I ended the marriage. should I go back to my solicitor and tell her I don’t want to share custody. Thanks everyone xx

At the forefront are those of the mother and the father. I don't agree with moving children to live in a different house every other week, can you imagine doing that as an adult? Why would a child enjoy it anymore? If the father is decent why can't he seem the every weekend? And during the week? If you live close they don't necessarily need to stay over. I think the priority should be stability for your children, and being able to see both parents!

If the mother is decent why can't she see them every weekend?

I did the 50/50 as a thing as an adult for years when my kids were with their day I stayed at my partner’s house, staying between 2 happy homes isn’t a bad situation for anyone child or adult.

Your children are with their dad, you should be happy they will have a relationship with both of you. Dont let your kids know you are upset to sway their feelings of staying with their dad , get a hobby

As he seems so intent on spite perhaps hint that when he has the dc you are going to have a "good time" then watch him frantically trying to sabotage that by repeatedly "giving" you more time with them?

What on earth is this? Only controlling men want to see their children post divorce? Why would you say that?

I'm sorry for whatever's happened in your past that has made you hate men so much

Where is there evidence he is intent on spite?

This post is intent on spite. Do not play fucking games with your children to get back at your ex, ffs.

The ‘equality’ of parents is nonsense. Of course (most) mothers will have a closer, stronger bond with their babies. They were literally joined together for 9 months, and if you go on to breastfeed and be a SAHM they absolutely will be closer to mum than dad. It’s a biological system that evolved over millions of years that doesn’t care about making things equal.

What nonsense! A lot of people are closer to their father than they are to their mother. Giving birth and breastfeeding doesn't automatically make a woman a great mother either.

Bemused that you take that from what I posted. Do you honestly think the only alternative to being a bully is to be a doormat?

Then perhaps watch the DF have a lovely, happy time with his kids while not giving ex a single thought… why would he be miserable?

I had a very bitter split from my ex but the one decent thing he did was to agree every other weekend, he saw them one or two nights in week but not overnight, his choice and 2 weeks summer holidays. He started work at 6am so no way he could organise their breakfast and school drops. I don't know how you will cope not seeing your children everyday. I hope he is good to them and understands on nights he has kids he has to do everything for them including if they are sick and home from school stay home with them.

How is he being a bully?
Would you call a woman a bully for wanting her half of the house and wanting the children 50% of the time?

I didn't think so.

Dear op

Please sort this out amicably with the father of your children as acrimony will only harm the children. They will pick up on the fighting, arguments, psychological games and feel that they will have to pick a side. That will impact them now and for the rest of their lives. It will influence how they relate to people in adulthood.

The best outcomes I have seen for children are when parents put aside their feelings and coparent amicably and professionally.

As long as their are no safeguarding issues, the children will benefit from a meaningful relationship with both parents that focus on their welfare.

Did you read the OP?

Yes, I did. Would you like to point out the evidence of him bullying?

My partner has 50:50 and has weds-Friday and every other weekend. Maybe this type of arrangement might work. At least you will see your children for some part of every week?

@Catfordthefifth again, another person caring more about a parent's right than the children's stability. If you actually read my post I was pro a child spending time with both parents regularly, but believe children need stability! Stop being so sensitive!

*Disclaimer: The first paragraph of my response sounds harsh-it’s not intended that way and I am 100% on your side OP

OP I feel for you, genuinely, mums feel it the hardest when separated from their kids-but looking at it objectively, he has just as much right to custody as you do, you’re equally responsible for their existence. Neither custody option sounded fair to me if I’m being honest. Every second weekend? That’s not even a part time dad. Most custody agreements settle on weekends with dad, and mum during the week, with alterations made if the mum wants to do something with the kids on a weekend.
Imagine you being told you can only see your kids once every two weeks.

I do, however, think one week on and one week off is too extreme. ‘Most’ dads (and I say that with caution because there are some very hands on dads out there) but ‘most’-my own husband included-wouldn’t have the foggiest how to look after the kids by himself for a full week. I would go back to the solicitor after allowing the arrangements to stand for a few weeks, then go back with some expedience that the arrangement is not working in the best interests of your kids. I can’t imagine what family court thought this was a good arrangement-does your ex not work full time? It’s also highly unusual for them to allow the sale of the family home whilst the kids are still in education. The kids needs are always put first, and it’s not usually in their best interests to uproot the, from the home they know.

Your ex sounds like an interminable shit whose only interest is in getting on over on you and punishing you for not being in love with him

"He wouldn’t leave the house, watched me like a hawk, i was literally a prisoner in my own home. He would only leave if I agreed to the terms"

Do you consider that to be normal, non coercive behaviour?

Oh and btw yes, if a woman was forcing sale of the family home to ensure the DH never had another woman there and behaved in this harrassing way she would be a bully.

None of us know the reasons behind the breakdown the the marriage so it's not fair to take 'sides'. We have to look at the best interests of the children and provided they are happy with this arrangement then op must get a job to fit their hours and accept her DCs are happy. As time goes on it may not work so well and they may change

Big hugs, OP. My ex and I do 50:50 with DD. It was hard at first (closer to 60:40 then TBF) on everyone but a few years on she is thriving, so please don't believe the ridiculous scaremongering on here about 50:50 being disastrous for every child. Fill up your child-free time, remain sympathetic to your kids' worries but don't let them see you wallowing in sadness about it, be calm and reasonable toward your ex and it's quite possible that he'll end up asking you to have them on additional days anyway. Good luck.

P.s. we do alternate every few days, and split weekends in half, rather than alternating full weeks.

Yawn. No I've just asked some simple questions which weirdly nobody can answer. The double standards are shit.

If he did it just to control you then he likely won't actually see the kids anyway or would only do it to hurt you.

My bio dad did this, he wanted visitation because he was told he would get the house and not have to pay maintence but didnt get the house, he was suppose to pay maintence but never did however he was given visitation... he NEVER showed up because it wasnt actually me he wanted.

Watching her like a hawk or just remaining in his own home? The issue is, it would be framed as being sensible if it was a woman, wouldn't it? Its not harassment to remain in your home until it sells. And tbh, would you want to pay for a house if your ex moved your replacement in? I wouldn't!