Heartbroken over sharing custody of kids

[Lill1e]

After going through months of a horrible separation when there were times I really thought I couldn’t go on because of the stress it was causing and the guilt over ending my marriage and “ruining” my children's lives, things have finally come to an end. The house is sold (ex insisted on this rather than see me stay there and “maybe one day bring in another man” - his words) , all forms signed and all arrangements agreed to. The thing is one of the requests by my ex was that he wanted shared custody and therefore wouldn’t need to pay maintenance. I believe this is why he wanted this, he says it’s cause he wants to see the kids. My solicitor and I suggested every second weekend and one day after school per week but he was having none of it. The separation was horrible I mean horrible the worst time of my life. He wouldn’t leave the house, watched me like a hawk, i was literally a prisoner in my own home. He would only leave if I agreed to the terms and so I did just to be able to move on with my life but I’m here now thinking about it and my heart is absolutely broken. How am I going to spend every second week without my kids. I will die not being able to see them every day. What have I done? I feel like I’ve sold them out just to be able to get on with my life. Has anyone on here shared custody with an ex and how did it go? I’m praying it won’t work out and they’ll want to be with me but I know that’s selfish but I will miss them so so so much. I feel even more guilty now than I did when I ended the marriage. should I go back to my solicitor and tell her I don’t want to share custody. Thanks everyone xx

The thing that annoys me about these sorts of threads (not necessarily the OP but the replies afterwards) is I never know what it is people expect dad's to do. Because you can damn well guarantee if this guy had ASKED for EOW he'd be the worst guy in the world just trying to get out of parenting his kids, expecting OP to take on the bulk of childcare blah blah blah but when he asks to have 50:50 he's just trying to get out of paying maintenance and it's no good for the kids.

Which is it? What do people here actually think would be best for a separated father to suggest? No one seems to know.

Indeed.

@HardRockOwl ·but you said "it's always controlling men going after their rights" that's different from not agreeing with 50/50 care. That's saying men only go for 50/50 care because they are controlling.

@User18283 I agree with you.

That is putting a very glossy spin on the behaviour described in the OP. Forcing a sale just so that a future partner will never cross the threshold and then harrassing them in their own home until they feel coerced into an agreement are not exactly signs of a fine upstanding parent are they?

It is not misandry to point out that he, like any other parent, has no rights - only responsibilities. Its the DC who have the rights to a relationship if its in their interests (and often when it isn't, under our family courts).

If you have never come across the old pattern of the financially dominant partner trying to trade custody demands for lower maintenance then I'm surprised.

Ideally a 50/50 model would work after a (probably difficult) period of adjustment but it rarely does where one partner is starting out in the way described by the OP.

Spot on. When the dads ask for EOW, the replies are to tell him you want 50/50 and see how he likes that.

Or he won't give a shit about his manipulative ex and he'll enjoy the time with his children?

I'm assuming you wouldn't give a man this advice?

@C8H10N4O2 so a fine outstanding parent is suppose to be a doormat to their ex-spouse?

The ‘equality’ of parents is nonsense. Of course (most) mothers will have a closer, stronger bond with their babies. They were literally joined together for 9 months, and if you go on to breastfeed and be a SAHM they absolutely will be closer to mum than dad. It’s a biological system that evolved over millions of years that doesn’t care about making things equal.

But luckily courts do care about making it equal for parents now. Women are not entitled to their children in a split, more than the father. Courts encourage children to have a good bond with both parents, as it should be. It's ridiculous to think that men shouldn't have as much right to see their children as women.

Completely agree. He only wants the EOW, he's a shit parent, he wants equal access, he's a shit parent.
Children are not property belonging to one parent more than the other.

Because you can damn well guarantee if this guy had ASKED for EOW he'd be the worst guy in the world just trying to get out of parenting his kids, expecting OP to take on the bulk of childcare blah blah blah but when he asks to have 50:50 he's just trying to get out of paying maintenance and it's no good for the kids.

So true. Then woe betide any father that tries to do something fun on their weekend of the EOW week arrangement. Universal cries of 'Disney Dad'.

And the 'children need a base, 50:50 is no good for them' replies only say this when it's the mother who'd likely get more time with the kids. If it was turned around that okay the dad will be 'the base' then I'm sure they'd change their tunes very quickly.

Basically EOW is great but only if it works in the mother's favour. None of the people advocating for it would be happy to actually be the parent seeing their kids EOW I imagine.

...what harassment? Him continuing to live there like we tell women to do?

Its not harassment when women do that, is it?

Youd not advise a woman to leave the family home and if you did you'd not encourage them to let the ex keep it and walk away but continue to pay for it, would you?

Didn't think so.

The lengths some women will go to to defend shit men is astonishing sometimes.

I'd have refused to leave as well if you suggested that I only get my kids every second weekend and 1 day after school. Well done to him for not accepting that. The maintenance comment was just a dog whistle to stir up a bunch of frothing.

Where you going to buy him out of the house? No. You just wanted to stay in it with his equity. Those arrangements are very rare. It is much more fair to sell and everyone move on.

Shared custody often works out great - you get some time to yourself to not be mum, to please yourself, do hobbies, socialise with mates, maybe even meet a new man - all whilst the kids are at their dads

he has every right to see them as you do

let it happen!

But there is no evidence that this is a "shit man" is there?

Thanks everyone for the replies. I would never stop my kids from being with their dad. Their dad moved out a few months ago and the kids have been with me full time since then. It’s only this week that the 50/50 has started and I’m having a hard time with it. Maybe deep down I didn’t think it would happen. I will take all the advice about filling my time on board and look forward to when they are back with me again. Thanks again for your help.

I haven't read all these comments, but I see there is a mixture of supportive and unsympathetic comments. We don't know the reasons for the OP ending her marriage, but exh does sound controlling. I have been in a similar situation and it is suffocating. It does seem however, that the only two feelings that seem to be At the forefront are those of the mother and the father. I don't agree with moving children to live in a different house every other week, can you imagine doing that as an adult? Why would a child enjoy it anymore? If the father is decent why can't he seem the every weekend? And during the week? If you live close they don't necessarily need to stay over. I think the priority should be stability for your children, and being able to see both parents! Also, OP I would also be devastated not to see my child for so long. Maybe little and often, rather than big chunks of time might work better? Sending virtual hugs xxx

The best advice I can give is that you need to separate emotions and relationships.

The relationship he had with you is not the relationship he has with the children. They have the right to a relationship with their Dad and he has the right to see them as much as you.

Of course, if there is abuse involved and this is recorded, adjustments are made accordingly to reflect this but your personal feelings about him aren't considered. It's all about how he treats, talks and takes care of the children.

My ex wanted 50/50 which we started off with. He had Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and I had Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and we alternated each Saturday. He then turned abusive towards me and I took this to family Court based on what my child had told me too and it was then ordered to Supervised contact every weekend. I had the choice if this was a contact centre or a trusted family member. He now hasn't had contact for 8 years as he decided he didnt want to.

You really need show your children you are ok with it and not let them see your tears or upset because it's not fair to make them feel guilty for having a relationship with their Dad.

So you chose to end your marriage and then think you have a valid complaint when the house has to be sold and you have to share your children with the other parent? 🙄

If the mother is decent why can't she see them at the weekend? And during the week?

Or it it only men who we expect to see their children less? Why is that?

"If you have never come across the old pattern of the financially dominant partner trying to trade custody demands for lower maintenance then I'm surprised"

This is a type of spin itself given that the op has said nothing about who is financially dominant.

In this day in age where you need 2 incomes to run a household it is interesting that you assume selling the family home is about control instead of recognising that divorce usually involves a fall in living standards due to running 2 houses.

Surely both spouses require equal division of equity if both need to afford a home which can house them and the kids?

Or you can assume it's about control because he's a man.

He has no "rights" to his children,it is the childrens' right to see him and have a relationship. That does not mean I do not understand how you feel op.

14 years ago the courts ordered my gs (who lives with me) have eow contact with his violent abusive thug dad. I was roundly condemned for not promoting contact. I laugh when I hear that the courts would not do this on MN. He had numerous convictions already but these were brushed off as youthful indiscretion. Years later it was described as long term, escalating offending by the same courts which was what I was saying from day one. He went on to attack more people and was convicted of gbh but avoided jail unbelievably.

It took me a long time to come to terms with it. But over time you will build a separate life on these weekends. You won't believe it now though. It was suggested I had counselling to come to terms but by then I mistrusted any "experts".

You can claim CS if it is just eow contact and one day per week. CMS are terrible but they were the only way I got a penny. He wanted contact but did not want to pay for him and that really says a lot about the person. Your children are lucky they have you.

EOW often doesn't work in the mother's favour as they then complain when their ex refuses to as hoc additional on-demand childcare, when the mother realise they don't have enough leave and money to cover the school holidays.

I won't call it parenting as it is clear in those cases it actually is to do care when it suits the mother.