Alcohol- how much is too much vs normal?

[JustAFew]

Sorry for posting here rather than the alcohol thread. Just doesn't seem very busy over there.

My DH drinks. I barely in fact on the very odd occasion i do but not regularly, once a year but can take it or leave it.

When i bring up the amount he drinks and try to have a conversation with him about it, he gets very defensive. He will say its nothing to worry about, he doesn't drink excessively and others also drink similar. I get shut down as he will get angry and end the conversation.

for context, he drinks pretty much all week- sometimes one day off a week. When he drinks its usually 4 cans per night tues & weds, 2 pub pints and 4 cans thurs & fri nights and then weekends probably drinks 2 pub pints, 4 cans per day plus half bottle of wine. I would say, depending on what were doing its between 65-100 units a week. I find it hard to know as dont drink but find this amount far too much

he works. Doesnt take time off work due to drinking. He does lack patience with the kids especially when its evening and hes trying to relax with drinks.

i looked through old photos the other night and pretty much all photos he has a beer in his hand.

i just hate it. I feel like i cannot just have family/ friends over spontaneously incase hes drinking. I have had to ask him not to drink too much at occasions before as he just becomes embarrassing.

i do feel like this is coming to a head now and fantasise about being on my own with the children. I fee sad for them, but from what they say, i get the impression they dont like him much, which is really sad to admit.

its just too much isnt it and hes not likely to change. Weve been together over 20 years. I just dont want this to be my retirement 😟

It doesn't seem too bad per "session' to me but the frequency is concerning. I'd do his weekend drinking once every few weeks and never during the week.

Yes, it's a lot.

However, the number of units isn't as important as the fact that it's having a detrimental effect on your relationship.

If he gets angry and defensive, loses patience with the kids, and you feel worried about socialising or having people over, then it's a problem.

My xh was an alcoholic. They are impossible to live with and highly unlikely to ever truly change. In your shoes I would be considering my options.

That’s a lot a.units per week, if he has been doing it for years then I assume he has built up a tolerance, but he possibly permanently over the DD limit, the fact that you barely drink probably makes it seem worse as you are clearly keeping count

I think its a problem but it’s difficult getting him to see this. He has been a big drinker for years and i its rare i see him drunk

Big drinkers are not likely to get drunk much because they are used to it. It’s too much and will most likely cause him long term health problems. Certainly a level of dependancy I would say.

Be on your own with your children going forward. Do not let this kind of life be your retirement. He’s built up a tolerance to drink but when can you say he is ever stone cold sober?.

This is no relationship model to be showing your children and alcoholism is also called the family disease for good reason. You are all affected by the alcoholic.

Thank you for all your replies. I do worry about health effects. I try to talk about those but he looks at me like ive got two heads! Hes late 40s.

im also worried about starting again but at the moment, i just want peace with no worrying about what someone has been drinking

He sounds like a functioning alcoholic. He doesn’t seem drunk as he’s spent a long time drinking to excess and has built up a tolerance.
If his drinking is affecting your relationship then it IS a problem. You can’t make him change. You can only change your response. Sorry OP.
Al Anon supports families.

What are you getting out of this relationship now? What needs of yours is he meeting here?.

You are never too old to start again. Feel the fear and do it anyway. Your children will notice if they do not already how preoccupied you are regarding his drinking which will affect them too.

Did you grow up seeing a heavily drinking parent yourself?

He is an alcoholic and drinks an amount that will shorten his life. He would need intensive proffesional support to stop drinking, it would be dangerous for him to just stop.
That said, I have a relative who drinks 100 plus until until week and has done for decades. The financial strain is massive and I can't imagine he'll live past his 60s.

I think spelling it out to him first would be a good idea. He probably sees you as just nagging him and as he has always been able to fob you off, will continue to do so. You need to make it clear what’s at stake and you are not prepared to continue living with someone who drinks this much. Late 40’s he is getting to the health issues has he been checked? Could easily have high blood pressure with this consumption.

The biggest issue here is how he behaves towards your children as a result of his drinking. He's risking his health, he's costing your family money, he's going to become a non-functioning alcoholic at some point. None of that is important compared to the effect on your children.

You can't make him change though, not unless he wants to. All you can do is change how you react to the situation. I've been where you are now - I ended up issuing an ultimatum and meaning it, and following through on it when he once again chose his addiction over his family.

Put your children first and consider your future because chances are you would be better off without him.

If you think it's a problem and he gets defensive and dismisses your concerns, he's essentially prioritising drinking over your relationship and happiness. It doesn't matter how drunk he gets or how many units he drinks; this is your main concern.

My addiction keyworker told me I was at risk of developing a physical dependence at 90 units per week.

I could have written the original op myself. My dh drinks more than what I think im sure and has done for around 25 years.
He never appears drunk and starts on lager then red wine. He drinks it so fast and has put weight on over the years.
I have begged and cried to him many times to stop and he does the same, gets defensive and argumentative.
He stinks at night and sweats and snores really loudly so now i sleep in the spare room.

It makes me so sad and also angry that he drinks like this. He has high blood pressure and had a heart scare last year.

What i want to say is that i don't think he will stop now and iv given up asking him to. Im resigned to the fact that he will probably die young. Iv actually told him this to shock him.

I can't leave as I am disabled with a neurological disease. I look after my health and it makes me feel angry that someone can just throw their health away like this.

Alcohol will always come first for an alcoholic before any relationship.

Sorry for the rant. I just wanted to say that your dh will only change if he wants to and he probably won't stop.
If its affecting your children and you are miserable then think about leaving for their sakes.

I dodnt grow up around alcohol. My parents didnt drink and barely socialised in pubs. It was only on the odd occasion we went to a pub like for a wedding reception etc. never saw parents drunk

his family do have issues with drinking. Younger brother and close uncle id say are alcoholics

he wouldnt go to the doctors for a check up. To him ignorance is bliss.

yes he’s overweight, snores like a pig and sweats/gets ridiculously hot and overheats when im fine. Its bizarre. He must feel like rubbish constantly. I do wonder if he feels hungover in the mornings before work

Don’t let this be your DC’s life. What you describe is unpleasant. And - sorry to say this - your DH is unlikely to stay ‘healthy’ for long.

Would you consider going to Al-Anon?

Too much is anything over 14 units.

he sometimes drinks 20+ units in a day 😣
I tried to have a conversation re units but again he looked like i was talking another language. Same with how long units take to leave the system before driving. Im just at the point, ive tried everything. He just sweeps it away and carries on 😐

Recommend maximum is 14 units per week. Drinking regularly above this increases risk of liver disease, certain cancers, decreases sleep quality, increases body fat, increases blood pressure, increases cholesterol and reduces resilience to stress.

As another pp says you can get support for yourself from al anon. You can meet in a group with others in the same situation.

I wouldn't be getting too horrified by someone who drinks over 14 units in a week, plenty of people drink 2 glasses of wine on a Friday and a Saturday and have a couple of pints over the rest of the week.

But there is a massive difference between that and what your partner is drinking. If he won't do anything about it, I think I would be planning to leave honestly.

My DH drinks a bottle of wine every night. He also uses the excuse that other people do the same.
He has been drinking like this for years, many years. They won’t change.
You need to decide what YOU want for your life.