Alcohol- how much is too much vs normal?

[JustAFew]

Sorry for posting here rather than the alcohol thread. Just doesn't seem very busy over there.

My DH drinks. I barely in fact on the very odd occasion i do but not regularly, once a year but can take it or leave it.

When i bring up the amount he drinks and try to have a conversation with him about it, he gets very defensive. He will say its nothing to worry about, he doesn't drink excessively and others also drink similar. I get shut down as he will get angry and end the conversation.

for context, he drinks pretty much all week- sometimes one day off a week. When he drinks its usually 4 cans per night tues & weds, 2 pub pints and 4 cans thurs & fri nights and then weekends probably drinks 2 pub pints, 4 cans per day plus half bottle of wine. I would say, depending on what were doing its between 65-100 units a week. I find it hard to know as dont drink but find this amount far too much

he works. Doesnt take time off work due to drinking. He does lack patience with the kids especially when its evening and hes trying to relax with drinks.

i looked through old photos the other night and pretty much all photos he has a beer in his hand.

i just hate it. I feel like i cannot just have family/ friends over spontaneously incase hes drinking. I have had to ask him not to drink too much at occasions before as he just becomes embarrassing.

i do feel like this is coming to a head now and fantasise about being on my own with the children. I fee sad for them, but from what they say, i get the impression they dont like him much, which is really sad to admit.

its just too much isnt it and hes not likely to change. Weve been together over 20 years. I just dont want this to be my retirement 😟

Alcoholism is called a whole family disease because the entire family dynamic becomes centred around the alcoholic - compensating for their failures as a parent, trying to persuade them to see that they have a problem, monitoring them, bargaining with them. Eventually the children become enmeshed in it as well and they can start to feel crazy - they see that something is very wrong but everyone around them minimises it or acts like it isn't happening at all.

In Al-Anon the three "C's" are: You didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't cure it. You will never be able to talk him into seeing he has a problem. The only thing you can do is leave and create a healthy home for your children.

But there is just something holding me back. I think its because he is going to cry, get angry etc. i hate conflict but i know i need to do this.

This has been my mum for the last 30 years. If she tries to talk to my dad about his alcohol consumption he cries. She doesn't want him to be upset. I have asked her why it's OK for him to upset her, but not the other way around. She doesn't really have an answer. So her retirement, which could have been a long and happy one, has been long and miserable. It has deeply affected her mental health and the entire family life of my birth family centres on my father's alcoholism.

I've made my own separate family now. I see my parents maybe once every three years or so, although I am in touch much more frequently than that. But I've detached from the situation.

Had my mum left, I do think she could have been happy. As for my father, it's hard to know. He would have been upset by her leaving but it's hard to know how much that's love for her and how much it's selfishness, because she does enable his alcoholism. Without her, he wouldn't have the money and he no longer has the physical or cognitive capacities to live independently. If she'd left, he'd have sank or swam. As it is, he's slowly sinking, and taking her with him. So which of those things do you want for yourself?

Also, by being there you are enabling his drinking. Totally without meaning to, but just by keeping the house running, food etc… There is no reason for him to change.

You leaving is the best action for you and your children and could well be for him as well.

I hope someday you find the strength to leave this man, you don't deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is or has been emotionally abusive, nobody does.

And his happiness is not your responsibility, if he couldn't take you leaving then that's just not your problem, he treats you badly and makes you unhappy so he doesn't deserve to have you stay.

You'll make your own decisions, everybody does but please have a long, hard think about the fact that your life is by no means over, you deserve to be happy for the rest of it.