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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Answers I’ll never get, or will I?

113 replies

Whatonearth2022 · 22/07/2022 20:02

This is a fairly long scenario.
I don’t want to be thrown into the bus for it.
id like some honest opinions.

in February I started a programme at a small local gym.
never had more than a few people in these sessions.
sometimes just me.

the owner/PT and I clicked.
a few weeks went by and then bam, I realised we were now flirting.

He unfortunately for me, is married with kids.
I have a partner with kids.

it took me a good few more weeks to even accept that this guy was even into me. He was omg hot. In my eyes. I would never believe someone that like would like someone like me.

now I’ve been around - I know when someone is taking the piss or just wants a bit on a the side, I was once that person…

this was completely different.

It was intuitive.
id get butterflies to the point of distraction.
he treated me differently.
he confided in me.
we laughed.
we cried.
we just clicked.

one day he took it too far in front of people whom had been training with him for some years.
(just said a compliment to me).

he would turn up on his days off.
he accepted my Snapchat request.
we never messaged each other sexually or of the like.
just a couple of funny memes and he would watch my location and stories all the time - I’m quite ‘out there’.

the next day (after taking it too far) he started referring to me as ‘mate’.
it was odd. He was acting weirdly.
I felt it inside me. It hurt. Despite not actually starting anything between us.

maybe he had a realisation who knows….

so i decided to message and ask how we felt.
completely innocent, knowing both of our situations.

I even googled what a soul mate was as it felt that strong. I had never believed in that stuff until then.

I got a complete denial response back. Denies it all.
opened my heart, I was rejected and hurt and said some of the wrong things but that was end of April…

I was asked never to return to the gym. Which broke me. I was doing so well.

I understood it all at the time… but it never sounded like him on the messages.

I later discovered I was basically messaging his wife 😳
she controlled EVERYTHING.
his WhatsApp. iMessages. PERSONAL Fb. Insta. Tiktok. Emails. Literally his whole life. Everytime he took a pic it was uploaded to the cloud.

he is one trapped MF.

maybe he’s done it before? Who knows but I learnt the hard way.

another month passed and to this day I’ve never seen or contacted him.
I tried but the wife blocked me on everything - fair enough.

oddly he still follows my business pages so maybe he does still watch my stuff but I can’t tell.

I decided I had to confront the situation as this many months on it’s still in my heart hurting.
although I’ve accepted he may be my forever love I can never have it still needed to be resolved.

I contacted the wife.
i apologised.
I made out he was totally innocent and did nothing wrong and made myself appear the bad person. Explained I had some sort of breakdown or something.

she seems ok now.

I’ve asked to return to workout.

she’s painted it as though HE was angry and upset and never wanted me to return but I guess unless o see him, I’ll never know the real truth.

his business is round the corner from mine and I’ve thought about going there but everytime I walk past I feel physically sick.

I’m currently awaiting a response to my last msg as she’s currently seeing if I can return in September.

it appears hopeful but I’m scared.

I know that we can never be together but I just need closure and this is the only way I know how.

has anyone felt this way before. Drawn to someone. Knowing he’s the love of you life.

I could wake up next to him and be happy forever and ever. Despite his flaws.

it makes me sad that he may feel trapped but nothing I can do.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 23/07/2022 10:10

I can't work out if there was an emotional thing going on, or if op just thought there was?

CPL593H · 23/07/2022 10:10

OP, he returned your personal training fee months ago and hasn't been in contact since. This wasn't even a brief affair, let alone a "forever love".

He is not interested in you and if you carry on escalating like this you are risking a visit from the police. For your own sake, stop and get some help.

Acheyknees · 23/07/2022 10:21

If you're unhappy with your current partner end it. This obsession with a man who is married is bizarre. He flirted with you and you have blown it up way, way out of proportion. Why do you want to rejoin the gym? What's your intention?

SuperdrugKeysDemon · 23/07/2022 11:31

It’s really easy to develop a crush on a personal trainer. They’re friendly and outgoing, motivated, fit and usually good looking. And if you have a crush, it’s exciting if they comment on your social media etc. I’ve been there. But I left it at stage 1, whereas OP has taken it to extremes.

You don’t need closure or to go back to the gym. Go somewhere else and work out what’s making you so unhappy that you need this fantasy as a distraction.

rocketfromthecrypt · 23/07/2022 15:03

I think you just need to accept that this is done. Find a new gym, throw yourself into exercise if that's what you're into, focus on your family.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 23/07/2022 15:20

OP have a Google of "limerence" and see if it rings any bells.

I think you have built up in your head something out of nothing at all. You have even concluded that he must be in an abusive, controlling relationship because his wife has replied to your messages to their jointly owned business account.

This is why people are suggesting you seek professional help. It's like you are describing an animal and we're all seeing an elephant - you've convinced yourself it's a zebra that's wearing a disguise.

Please do not keep trying to go back to this gym. You are going to reinforce the thought patterns. You don't need any more "closure" - this married man has shown clearly that he's not interested.

AMindNeedsBooks · 23/07/2022 15:59

Here is the OP's last thread which has more info on it. www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4545825-he-flirted-then-denied-need-to-let-go

OP you need to forget this man and get out of your unhappy relationship.

Lotusflower16 · 23/07/2022 16:09

SuperdrugKeysDemon · 23/07/2022 11:31

It’s really easy to develop a crush on a personal trainer. They’re friendly and outgoing, motivated, fit and usually good looking. And if you have a crush, it’s exciting if they comment on your social media etc. I’ve been there. But I left it at stage 1, whereas OP has taken it to extremes.

You don’t need closure or to go back to the gym. Go somewhere else and work out what’s making you so unhappy that you need this fantasy as a distraction.

Exactly this. I had a similar experience, the guy was friendly and hitting on each female. He added most of them on fb etc. He flirted with me too and I couldn't be bothered.
I read your other post and I can honestly say you need to let it go. It's all fantasy.
Stop it and sort out your things at home.

Dic · 23/07/2022 16:27

He's not into you. You need to stop it.

Scorpio8 · 23/07/2022 17:31

@Watchkeys

This man and his wife definitely got issues. He would of shut it down if he didn't like just his wife found out by someone he getting go close to the OP.

The wife sounds a bit crazy to pretend to be husband.
Something definitely not adding up.

We all know OP wrong but these people are twisted. How many women he got close and maybe blamed her and set his dog on her.

There's affairs we read about all the time on her but nothing like this.

Because I been in similar situation and the wife sounds crazy. You would of called the other woman on the phone not pretend to be him. Why take over his social media. She doesn't trust him the poor woman.
There married was a car crash waiting to happen. The man sound like he cheats all the time with women in the gym. It blow over and he onto the next one lol.

OP needs to come clean to her husband and run from these twisted people. He probably lied to save his backside and dropped her in it.

Vanderpump · 23/07/2022 17:33

This has been posted before

Remainiac · 23/07/2022 17:37

CheesusWept · 23/07/2022 07:51

I’ve just turned inside out with second hand embarrassment reading this.

You are making a complete fool of yourself.

Me too. Major cringe.

AMindNeedsBooks · 23/07/2022 17:46

Scorpio8 · 23/07/2022 17:31

@Watchkeys

This man and his wife definitely got issues. He would of shut it down if he didn't like just his wife found out by someone he getting go close to the OP.

The wife sounds a bit crazy to pretend to be husband.
Something definitely not adding up.

We all know OP wrong but these people are twisted. How many women he got close and maybe blamed her and set his dog on her.

There's affairs we read about all the time on her but nothing like this.

Because I been in similar situation and the wife sounds crazy. You would of called the other woman on the phone not pretend to be him. Why take over his social media. She doesn't trust him the poor woman.
There married was a car crash waiting to happen. The man sound like he cheats all the time with women in the gym. It blow over and he onto the next one lol.

OP needs to come clean to her husband and run from these twisted people. He probably lied to save his backside and dropped her in it.

How do you know the wife has pretended to be him and taken over his social media? Solely from what the OP has said even though it is clear she has an unhealthy obsession over this person and a skewed perception they are soulmates and he needs saved?

AMindNeedsBooks · 23/07/2022 17:49

Vanderpump · 23/07/2022 17:33

This has been posted before

I've already linked her other thread. She's clearly not over it and needs help.

No idea why people think it's ok to comment on someone posting about the same scenario more than once. Read another thread, there are thousands.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 23/07/2022 19:18

Babe... do you not think everyone who had an affair gets those butterfly's? Accepting on Snapchat etc? You're being an idiot...

thecatsarecrazy · 23/07/2022 19:36

Soul mates are bollocks. You became infatuated with a married man. It happened to me but once I removed myself from it all we all went about our life's. I don't look at his social media, no contact in 6 months. Times a healer

Vanderpump · 23/07/2022 20:23

Amindneedsbooks

Calm down love

Aprilx · 23/07/2022 20:56

In neither this thread nor the previous one, is there any indication that he was ever interested in you. Th first time you mention your feelings he categorically shuts the subject down. Your level of obsession is really extreme and quite disturbing. You need to stay away from them and stop embarrassing yourself.

As some other posters have mentioned, I cannot fathom what you and bloke form the gym would be crying about together. I have been with DH for twenty years and the only time we have ever cried together was when our cat was run over.

alwaysmovingforwards · 23/07/2022 21:14

You could always just burst into turn gym and scream your eternal love for the PT?
Maybe he'll run over to meet you and you'll both run off together and start a new life in Acapulco?

Or... maybe not.

Isthisit22 · 23/07/2022 21:29

You definitely need professional help. You sound like you're out of control. Regardless of what did or did not happen between you, he's stated his boundaries very clearly and you are lucky he hasn't called the police as you are harassing him.

rahjama · 23/07/2022 21:43

Oh dear OP. you sound like a stalker. I wouldn't want you near my husband either

WokingOrNot · 24/07/2022 04:27

After reading the old thread it seems PT acted badly and crossed a line. Please try to forget about him. Also the fact still is he and his wife want you to stay away. Please respect that. Focus your energy on your family situation instead. Get help with that. It'll be ok. Sending you strength.

autienotnaughty · 24/07/2022 06:39

The story you created is your story not his. He could have been being polite to a customer and at some point realised he took it too far so backed off as he is married. You need to forget about this and definitely find a new gym. People usually develop fixations to distract them , are you happy? Is your life fulfilling? Maybe consider some professional help.

Scorpio8 · 24/07/2022 07:05

It sounds like this woman is weak. Probably struggled with her weight and don't think she needs everyone to be nasty. She might seem obsessed but don't doubt this guy led her on and maybe she got the wrong idea or he was flirting and maybe he did like her.
You all blaming her as woman already vulnerable already by sounds of it. I believe this guy did encourage her instead of shutting it. None of you can't say they didn't cry together but he may of been comforting her and he may have told her his problems too. He did compliment her she said it front of everyone maybe again to make her feel better but she taken it wrong. He could have been after her too.
We just don't know and never will think you all being so harsh.
Men are men at the end of the day. I am basing my response off her other thread too.
Just maybe he confided in his wife. But at same time believe something did go on. You can't dismiss that because she seems like needy.

Fraaahnces · 24/07/2022 07:22

I am also going to point out that this behaviour is very common in that industry to get women clients invested. I very much doubt that either of you have crowned yourselves in glory.