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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Answers I’ll never get, or will I?

113 replies

Whatonearth2022 · 22/07/2022 20:02

This is a fairly long scenario.
I don’t want to be thrown into the bus for it.
id like some honest opinions.

in February I started a programme at a small local gym.
never had more than a few people in these sessions.
sometimes just me.

the owner/PT and I clicked.
a few weeks went by and then bam, I realised we were now flirting.

He unfortunately for me, is married with kids.
I have a partner with kids.

it took me a good few more weeks to even accept that this guy was even into me. He was omg hot. In my eyes. I would never believe someone that like would like someone like me.

now I’ve been around - I know when someone is taking the piss or just wants a bit on a the side, I was once that person…

this was completely different.

It was intuitive.
id get butterflies to the point of distraction.
he treated me differently.
he confided in me.
we laughed.
we cried.
we just clicked.

one day he took it too far in front of people whom had been training with him for some years.
(just said a compliment to me).

he would turn up on his days off.
he accepted my Snapchat request.
we never messaged each other sexually or of the like.
just a couple of funny memes and he would watch my location and stories all the time - I’m quite ‘out there’.

the next day (after taking it too far) he started referring to me as ‘mate’.
it was odd. He was acting weirdly.
I felt it inside me. It hurt. Despite not actually starting anything between us.

maybe he had a realisation who knows….

so i decided to message and ask how we felt.
completely innocent, knowing both of our situations.

I even googled what a soul mate was as it felt that strong. I had never believed in that stuff until then.

I got a complete denial response back. Denies it all.
opened my heart, I was rejected and hurt and said some of the wrong things but that was end of April…

I was asked never to return to the gym. Which broke me. I was doing so well.

I understood it all at the time… but it never sounded like him on the messages.

I later discovered I was basically messaging his wife 😳
she controlled EVERYTHING.
his WhatsApp. iMessages. PERSONAL Fb. Insta. Tiktok. Emails. Literally his whole life. Everytime he took a pic it was uploaded to the cloud.

he is one trapped MF.

maybe he’s done it before? Who knows but I learnt the hard way.

another month passed and to this day I’ve never seen or contacted him.
I tried but the wife blocked me on everything - fair enough.

oddly he still follows my business pages so maybe he does still watch my stuff but I can’t tell.

I decided I had to confront the situation as this many months on it’s still in my heart hurting.
although I’ve accepted he may be my forever love I can never have it still needed to be resolved.

I contacted the wife.
i apologised.
I made out he was totally innocent and did nothing wrong and made myself appear the bad person. Explained I had some sort of breakdown or something.

she seems ok now.

I’ve asked to return to workout.

she’s painted it as though HE was angry and upset and never wanted me to return but I guess unless o see him, I’ll never know the real truth.

his business is round the corner from mine and I’ve thought about going there but everytime I walk past I feel physically sick.

I’m currently awaiting a response to my last msg as she’s currently seeing if I can return in September.

it appears hopeful but I’m scared.

I know that we can never be together but I just need closure and this is the only way I know how.

has anyone felt this way before. Drawn to someone. Knowing he’s the love of you life.

I could wake up next to him and be happy forever and ever. Despite his flaws.

it makes me sad that he may feel trapped but nothing I can do.

OP posts:
Remona · 22/07/2022 21:51

What on earth indeed 🤔

Walk away and try and forget about this fantasy world you’ve concocted. It’s not real and it’s never going to happen. You’ve blown friendliness and innocent remarks out of all proportion.

Do not go back to the gym. You’re going to end up making a complete fool of yourself if you’re not careful. You don’t need closure for something that never happened in the first place. You’re just trying to prolong the situation and you’re setting yourself up to be humiliated.

TedMullins · 22/07/2022 21:53

This is delusional. He most likely flirts with many female clients, does not have feelings for you and his wife is sick of his bullshit. Stop stalking him and find a new gym.

WidgetDigit2022 · 22/07/2022 22:03

Oh OP...

If he wanted you, like you want him, he'd have come to your business. He'd have found a way.

I'm sorry OP. He fancied you. His wife found out. He chose the wife.

You need to move on. He isn't who you thought he was. And chances are he'd cheat on you too in the future.

All the best.

Scorpio8 · 23/07/2022 01:32

I think you may need to come clean to your partner incase she tells him. Walk away from this guy.

It sounds like this guy a player and each time the wife gets suspicious she looks through his phone and she controls everything. It's obvious if it wasn't you it would of been someone else but it's his wife problem.

You will never get closure and just let it go.

ShrillSiren22 · 23/07/2022 01:46

Why on earth do you want to go back to the gym? Have you not humiliated yourself enough already? His wife is the co-owner and you’ve contacted her begging to be allowed back to a gym that you were asked to leave because you were obsessed with her husband, but you only want to go back so you can be in contact with her husband again? Can you genuinely not see how desperately mad this makes you look?

ShrillSiren22 · 23/07/2022 01:49

Also what do you mean when you say you’re “quite out there” wrt to updating your social media? Do you mean you’re one of those “OMG I’m crazy and unique, me, look I’m eating cold pizza for breakfast 🤪” or some such bollocks?

Od130990 · 23/07/2022 02:10

You need closure for a compliment from a pt?
And you really need to ask why you sound delusional?
Wow just Wow
Leave the man, his WIFE & their business alone ffs

Monty27 · 23/07/2022 02:23

OP you're disillusionment is frightening.
Get away from these weirdos. And get yourself better .

workworkworkugh · 23/07/2022 02:25

*It was intuitive.
id get butterflies to the point of distraction.
he treated me differently.
he confided in me.
we laughed.
we cried.
we just clicked.

one day he took it too far in front of people whom had been training with him for some years.
(just said a compliment to me).*

What did you confide in each other about and when was this happening?
What on earth did you cry to each other about?! And also when did this happen?
At the gym or after hours?

How did he take it too far, What did he say?
If it was "you're so hot I want to take you right here right now" then that's obvious.
If it was just "you're looking good" because he's your trainer then you've read way too much into it.

You talk very flowery about this situation like you're star crossed lovers who can't be together due to other people stopping you. But I think you've read waaaay too much into this whole situation and what's happening in your head, your version of reality is not fact.

Leave him and his family well enough alone.

WokingOrNot · 23/07/2022 02:30

Leave them alone. It's just a fantasy. He's not your soulmate. If he did flirt with you it was probably so you keep coming back to the gym. It's not right but some salespeople still do this.
And I agree, get help. And focus on your own family.

CJsGoldfish · 23/07/2022 03:31

we laughed
we cried
What did you cry about?

Other than needing to know that, I have to say that your creative writing skills need work. As does your formatting. 🤷‍♀️

Cas112 · 23/07/2022 03:44

TedMullins · 22/07/2022 21:53

This is delusional. He most likely flirts with many female clients, does not have feelings for you and his wife is sick of his bullshit. Stop stalking him and find a new gym.

This

KyaClark · 23/07/2022 04:07

For the love of god, stop.

You're embarrassing yourself.

Suzi888 · 23/07/2022 04:34

You have a partner and children… ?!

Don’t go back to the gym. Don’t make contact with him or his family again. It’s not going to happen. Life is short- focus on your children and talk to your partner.

Appleblum · 23/07/2022 04:55

Just look for a new gym. Good riddance.

Focus on your partner and kids.

YouOKHun · 23/07/2022 05:41

Is his wife controlling him or has he asked her to deal with you because he feels really uncomfortable. It doesn’t sound like you are star-crossed lovers prevented from being together by this cruel world, it sounds like he’s regretting he didn’t have better boundaries and he’s chosen to distance. Where is your partner in all this, what about your children? Find a new gym.

MakeMineAdoubleChocolate · 23/07/2022 05:48

The fact you have your own husband and children makes this a million times worse.

Marineboy67 · 23/07/2022 07:00

Your actually making a fool of yourself. This is what an obsessive and and ultimately unrequited love can do to a person. No sense mentioning your husband & family as your mental state is currently beyond that. You need help and the acceptance that unless you make some changes you're going to be living with this for a long time. It's complete self torture and totally destructive and will impact and potentially ruin your relationship. I know I've been in your position.

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 23/07/2022 07:11

This sounds like the sort of thing a teenager with romantic delusions would write. Nor an adult woman with her own partner and kids! Soulmates and such.

Stop contacting this guy/his wife. Find a totally different gym. Get on with your life.

And consider seriously your relationship with your partner. Not once in that whole, self indulgent post have you even hinted you care about what he thinks.

Baldacci · 23/07/2022 07:18

You sound absolutely mad.

Are you really married with kids ?How do they fit into this " story "?
You might want to make your main character single 😏

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 23/07/2022 07:31

Your husband and children deserve a million times better.
He doesn’t want you, that much is very clear
All this imagining of the what ifs, and if only sounds very immature, and the texting his wife makes you sound unhinged. I’m embarrassed for you, really.
Find a new gym and leave this bloke alone

redlip · 23/07/2022 07:46

I don't even see anything in your post that suggested he was into you in the first place?

You feel he was flirty but that could just be his way? He gave you one compliment and you've classed this as taking it too far.....the fact it was in front of others suggests that he thinks it was harmless.

He was at HIS gym (that he co-owns with his wife) on his day off. He probably has no such thing as regular days off but something as small as this is being misconstrued as him being into

YOU sent him a Snapchat request, he accepted as he sees you as a "mate". Your interactions on Snapchat were limited to a couple of memes?? This isn't the behaviour of a guy that's into you and willing to cheat on his wife

I honestly don't see anything in your post to show it was anything beyond friendship or gym owner/client relationship.

FWIW I go to a gym owned by a female. Both straight. We've become friends through it and are connected on Instagram and tag each other in meme's, DM each other things we find amusing if they relate to what we've been laughing about in the gym. We also compliment each other regularly on fitness progress/looking good etc.
I'm pretty sure she's like this with the majority of her 'clients' as she's very social & outgoing. Apart from being a bubbly person it's also good for her business.....

What has he actually done to lead you to believe it was something more?

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 23/07/2022 07:48

has anyone felt this way before. Drawn to someone. Knowing he’s the love of you life.

I could wake up next to him and be happy forever and ever. Despite his flaws.

You do realise that you simply do not know this man. You know nothing if his life. His family. His interests. His actual personality.

You’ve seen him in extremely limited ways as his client in the family business.

You don’t even know what his flaws are (beyond flirting with female clients).

You should seek some help from a me task health professional because you are, at this point, weirdly obsessed and stalking this guy. The fact you even want to go back to this gym - where you already have seriously embarrassed yourself - demonstrates just how far from reality your thought processes are.

No one on mumsnet is going to tell you to do anything other than to totally walk away from all of this. For everyone’s sake - including you! No one is going to indulge your star crossed lovers fantasies.

CheesusWept · 23/07/2022 07:51

I’ve just turned inside out with second hand embarrassment reading this.

You are making a complete fool of yourself.

bevelino · 23/07/2022 07:52

KyaClark · 23/07/2022 04:07

For the love of god, stop.

You're embarrassing yourself.

This

The OP is making a complete and utter fool of herself.

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